


Two-step

by airandangels



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/F, Fusion Dance, Gen, Heel Face Turn, Jasperdemption, Peridemption, Pre-Poly, THIS STORY DOES NOT REALLY HAVE AN END BUT THE HIATUS ENDED, awkward people being awkward at each other, brightly coloured lesbians, fluffy fusion, gem dramabomb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-12 18:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 142,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5676712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airandangels/pseuds/airandangels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wasn't the January 2016 Stevenbomb awesome?  Off the back of "Log Date 7 15 2," I came up with a small happy silly ficlet for my current favourite gay space rock ship.<br/>Then it grew into a whole big thing exploring Gem relationships and redemption.  It began as Amedot, and that ship does continue throughout, but a lot of Jaspearl bubbled up and somewhat took over.  So this is a love story about Amethyst and Peridot, about Jasper and Pearl, about Lapis Lazuli, and about the Crystal Gem/Universe family growing and changing.</p><p>Discontinued here but recommenced over at <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6030193/chapters/13828783">Side-Step</a>, which is E-rated.  My apologies to people who would prefer to avoid the smut elements, but it got too fiddly to keep them separated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Amethyst took an afternoon snooze in the shade of one of the trees near the barn.  There was a very soft, mild little breeze that stirred her hair and the grasses around her just enough to feel nice without disturbing her, and it kept the warmth of the day from feeling too hot.  It was a prime snooze spot and she wouldn’t have been surprised to find Steven making the most of it too, but she was surprised when she woke and found Peridot sitting next to her, looking antsy but also kind of perky.

“What’s up, P-dot?” she asked drowsily.

“I just wanted to ask you about something.  Did you enjoy your nap?  I didn’t interrupt you because Steven explained your... recreational dormancy.”

“Yeah, it was good.”  She rolled onto her side and propped her head on her hand.  “Dreamed about swimming in warm mashed potatoes.  What’d you wanna ask me?”

“Garnet suggested that you might be a good person to ask,” Peridot said, twiddling her forefingers together.  “She, um, she offered to fuse with me so I could understand what it’s like.  But I felt - hesitant.  Not totally comfortable.  So we didn’t.”

“Whoa-ho-ho.  Garnet doesn’t just fuse with anyone.  It’s a big deal to her.”

“Do you think she was offended?”  Peridot sat up straighter in alarm.  “I thought she didn’t mind.”

“No, no, she wouldn’t want you to go ahead if you weren’t ready.  I just mean you should consider it a big compliment that she offered in the first place.  Listen, don’t be afraid.  If she asks you again you should go for it.  Fusing with Garnet is amazing!”

“Have - have you?”

“Yup.”  Amethyst rolled again, onto her tummy, and picked up a twig that she stuck on end in the ground.  “We make like ten tons of solid purple _awesome.”_  She walked her first two fingers towards the stick, then gave it a mighty “kick” that knocked it flat.

“Oh.  Well, um.”  Peridot was fidgeting again.  There were some burrs from the field sticking to her socks, and she tried to pick them off.  “But not permanently like she is, right?”

“No,” Amethyst said, a little downcast.  “I mean, I don’t think I’d wanna go _permanent,_ but more often would be nice.  It’s just - well, Sugilite, that’s our fusion, she gets kinda rowdy.  Garnet says it’s too dangerous unless we definitely need her.”

“Your fusion with Pearl didn’t look rowdy.  I thought she looked - elegant.  Fancy and graceful like a Pearl but also strong and practical like you.  It was impressive.”  She had figured out now that she could stick burrs to each other, and was making a little chain of them.  

“Yeah, Opal’s the bomb,” Amethyst said fondly.  “It’s not as easy with Pearl as it is with Garnet but it’s great when it works.”

“Oh, so it’s not equally easy with any partner?” Peridot asked, looking up from her burrs.  She seemed surprised but also a little relieved.

“Well, no, I mean, it’s really personal, right?  You need to be comfortable with them, and Pearl and I don’t always feel so comfortable together.  But what did Garnet say you should ask me?”

“She asked me earlier if perhaps one reason why I was hesitant was because she was a fusion to begin with.  She could see how that could be intimidating to a beginner, and maybe it would be easier for me to try with a single Gem.  I wasn’t really sure, but I thought it might be worth trying.  And, um, she suggested you.  Because she says you’re a lot of fun to fuse with.  And.  Um.  I already think you’re a lot of fun.  So if maybe you wanted to try we would have fun together.  Butit’sokayifyoudon’twanttonopressureIwon’tbotheryouagain,” she finished off in a rapid gabble.  She was blushing so hard her cheeks burned blue.

Amethyst sprang onto her hands and knees.  “No kidding?  You want to try fusing?”

“If you don’t mind.  Wait, are you _excited_ to fuse with me?”

“Well, _yeah!_  This is going to be amazing!” She grinned and jumped up, holding out one hand.  “Amethyst and Peri-berry!”  Peridot took the offered hand and she pulled her to her feet and swung her around.  “Oh, man, we have to tell Steven.  If he misses out on a new fusion he’ll mope for days.”

“Um!”  Peridot’s voice came out in a hoarse squeak.  “I think it would make me feel nervous having someone else watching while I try to do this for the first time.  Could we maybe show him once we’ve made it work?”

“Oh, sure.  And don’t be disappointed if we don’t look as cool as Garnet or Opal right out of the gate.  Any first-time fusion can be a little wonky.  The more you do it, the better it gets.”

“Do you know what - who we’ll make?”

“Nope!  No idea!” Amethyst said happily.  “We get to find out together.”

“So she could be like _anything?”_

“Not _anything._  She’ll be a little like me and a little like you, but she’ll be her own special thing.  Garnet explains it better than I do.”  She put on an accent and morphed her head into a violet version of Garnet’s.  “You are not one person.  And you are not two people.  You are an _experience.”_  She popped back to herself with a giggle, and saw that Peridot was starting to smile too, although she still looked flustered.  “So what kind of music do you like?”

“I… don’t know?”

“You got a favourite dance?”

“Peridots really aren’t dancing Gems.”

“Well, that’s okay, I’ll show you some basics.  You’ll pick it up.  Watch me.”  She let go Peridot’s hand and skipped back a step.  “And a one-two-three- _fowah.”_

Peridot watched with wide eyes.  It looked _good,_ with Amethyst’s feet stamping and scuffling and her hips rocking and her arms pumping and her hair flying, but the idea of moving her own body like that seemed completely impossible.  It was also completely different from the way Garnet had tried to dance with her, and from the formal fusion demonstrations she’d witnessed on Homeworld, where it had been presented very much as a distressing last resort that they would probably never have to use but had better know about just in case.  It was fluid and rhythmic and fast and exciting, but it was definitely not her.

Amethyst skidded to a stop, breathing heavily but looking cheerful.  “You know, it doesn’t work if I dance and you just stand there and stare at my butt.”

“I wasn’t staring at your butt!”

“Then I wasn’t dancing right,” Amethyst said with a grin.  “C’mere.”  She grabbed Peridot’s hands again and planted them firmly on her own hips.  “Hold on, okay?”

“Okay,” Peridot squeaked.  Amethyst felt soft and warm and easily squeezable, not unlike Steven, but on the other hand completely unlike Steven because the idea of squeezing Steven, while not disagreeable, didn’t make her ears sing and her cheeks burn.  Then Amethyst put her hands on Peridot’s shoulders, and gave _them_ a small squeeze, and that was both extremely nice and quite alarming.

“I’ll start off slow, and we’ll see what happens.  Maybe we’ll synchronise.  Maybe not right away.  Doesn’t matter as long as it’s fun, right?”

“Right.  Right?”

“Right.”

They gradually travelled across the grass in a wide, uneven loop, Peridot’s feet shuffling where Amethyst’s stepped lightly.  It was nothing like dancing with Garnet or Pearl - they knew exactly what they were doing and had confident styles of their own - but the earnest way Peridot kept glancing down to see what her feet were doing was so cute it made up for a lot.  She’d started off pretty much ramrod-stiff, but Amethyst could feel her loosening up little by little.  In the not too distant future her hips might actually sway.  

“You’re doing great,” she said, encouragingly if not totally honestly.  “You want to pick up the pace?”

“Think so.”  Peridot was clearly concentrating too hard.

“Okay, change it up.”   She stepped back, grabbed Peridot’s right hand with her own and pretty much just ran in a circle round her.  Peridot caught on after a startled second, the two of them spinning round the axis of their joined hands, going faster, leaning back, Peridot beginning to laugh, her ridiculous, bubbling, snorting laugh that made Amethyst laugh too, and that got them to the right place, in synch.  Amethyst pulled back in, Peridot flew towards her and flung her free arm around her, and everything went bright.

Tourmaline rolled over the uneven ground until she bumped to a stop, dazed and giddy and euphoric.  She held up her hands and laughed in delight at their mixed colours.  She kicked her legs into the air and pedalled joyfully at the sky.  She rolled over and stumbled to her feet, swayed, caught sight of the tree Amethyst and Peridot had sat under.

A sudden adjustment of scale.

Her first words were heard down in Beach City: “Oh my stars, I’m flipping HUGE!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be specific, the type of tourmaline I have in mind is a bicolour tourmaline. The best known of these is [Watermelon Tourmaline](https://crystal-cure.com/tourmaline-watermelon.html), which is pink, white/clear and green in bands that blend into each other, but tourmalines can be [almost any colour](http://4csblog.gia.edu/2012/october-birthstone-about-tourmaline), so just imagine the pink as purple. Tourmaline is one of the two birthstones for October - the other is opal, a pleasing thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get around to describing Tourmaline better, and then things started to happen.

Steven was arranging a daisy-chain in Lion’s mane when he heard it.

“Oh my stars, I’m flipping HUGE!”  It was a voice he’d never heard before, but it had a familiar husky rasp to it.

And then, over the roof of the barn, he could see a tuft of fluffy hair, streaked lilac and lime.   _He could see her hair over the roof of the barn because she was a little bit taller than the barn._  Witnesses (well, Greg; Pearl was present too but objected to this account on factual grounds) later claimed that Steven’s eyes actually grew bigger than his face.  He leapt down from Lion’s back and took off like a jet-propelled rabbit.  They struggled to disengage themselves from the van’s engine, which once again needed a little help to keep it going for another year, and hurried after him.

When he got round to the field Steven could see that he’d been a _little_ off.  He’d forgotten that the ground rose on this side of the barn, so the GIANT WOMAN standing in the middle of it twisting and turning to check herself out was higher up and not really as tall as he’d thought, but she was still a completely fantastically amazingly glorious GIANT WOMAN.  His cheeks ached with grinning as he stared up at her.  Taller than Opal, maybe taller than Sardonyx!  Pearl scuttered up behind him and stopped with a breathless “Oh my!”  Greg followed a few seconds later, panting rather, and whistled in amazement.  Pearl elbowed him.

“It was a ‘woo’ whistle, not a ‘woo-woo’ whistle!” he protested.

“Check me out!” the new fusion exclaimed gleefully, holding out her arms, all four of them.

“You look wonderful!” Pearl said brightly.  “What should we call you?”

“I’m Tourmaline.  Did you _ever_ think Amethyst and Peridot could make all _this?”_

 _This_ was a bombshell, glowing all over with gradients of violet and green, dressed in a large baggy purple sweatshirt with a yellow star down at her right hip, vivid green tights and thick baggy lilac socks.  Her legs were long and thick and curvy, with surprisingly small and dainty-looking feet.  Plump round hips nipped in to a small waist before her upper body billowed out again.  The upper pair of arms were similar to her legs, curvaceous and massive and powerful-looking, although the hands were relatively small too.  A second pair of arms was much thinner and a little shorter, but looked as if they would be more useful for doing anything delicate.  Her face was round and snub-nosed and wide-eyed, with a big, generous mouth stretched in a grin to match, and her hair swept back from her face in wild, curving tufts.

“YOU’RE AMAZING!” Steven yelled.  “YOU’RE AWESOME!  SUPER COOL!”

“Thanks.  I’m pretty optimal.  You wanna ride on my shoulder, little guy?”  She dropped to one knee and laid a hand palm-up on the ground.  He leapt onto it and kicked his legs in glee on the ride up to her broad shoulder.

“Hold on tight, Steven,” Pearl called out anxiously.  “How do you feel, Tourmaline?  Stable?”

“Rock steady,” Tourmaline beamed.  “My morphological integrity is five by five.”

“And you smell like hot cotton candy!” Steven reported from his perch.

“Where’s Garnet?  I can’t wait to show her.”

“She went back to the temple to check that everything’s still safe,” Pearl said.  “I’m sure she’ll be thrilled, though.  Just - be careful, Tourmaline!”  Her voice rose in alarm as Tourmaline strode past her and around the barn.  Her footsteps could be felt through the ground like heavy bass from a subterranean speaker.  Pearl scurried after her, wishing her own legs were longer, and found her balancing the giant drill on one hand, showboating for Steven who was beside himself with excitement and admiration.  To Pearl’s considerable alarm, Tourmaline seemed to think her next trick should be to balance the drill on its point on the tip of her forefinger and spin it like a basketball.  

“Tourmaline!” she pleaded.  This was all getting a little too reminiscent of Sugilite’s overpowering personality.  “Remember how much time and effort we all put into that drill, especially Peridot!  Please, put it down gently.”

Tourmaline rolled her eyes and snorted.  “I’m not _dumb,_ Pearl.”  She set the drill back on its cradle with exaggerated care.  “In fact, on Homeworld terms I would clearly be the dominant Gem in this vicinity in both physical _and_ mental prowess.” She squatted down with her smaller arms folded under her bust and her larger elbows resting on her knees.  “But we’re not on Homeworld terms, so I’m not going to be a butt about it.”

“Good,” said Pearl warily.

“You want to get on in this?  I could give you a twirl.”

Pearl hadn’t for a moment expected to be asked, and she was a little ashamed of how much she immediately wanted to say yes.  It was irresponsible; someone had to be sensible.

“Maybe not just yet,” she said.  “You should get used to being _you_ before you become anyone else, don’t you think?”

“Good point,” said Tourmaline, easily abandoning the idea.  She straightened up and scanned the horizon.  “I can see so _far!_ I think my vision is unusually acute.  I can even make out people on the beach.  Is that Lars?  I think it’s Lars.  No one else is such a goony shape.  HEY LARS, YA GOON!”  She seemed about to treat Lars to a further assessment of his character, but stopped with her hands halfway to forming a funnel around her mouth.  “What’s that?”

“What’s what?”  Greg asked.  He had arrived about a minute ago but had been catching his breath, bent over with his hands on his knees.

“The sea,” Steven said, standing up and holding onto a handful of Tourmaline’s hair to steady himself.  “It looks like it’s… boiling?”

“There’s a large patch of seething turbulence about a kilometre offshore and closing,” Tourmaline reported, shading her eyes.  “Like someone turned on the spa jets.”

“Oh dear,” said Pearl.  “Can you see -”  Up above her, both Tourmaline and Steven suddenly flinched and she heard a distant crash.  “What was it!?”

Tourmaline knelt again, holding her hand out flat.  Her eyes were wide and the gleeful smile had faded from her face.  “Something big and angry,” she said.  “I can run us down there.”

“Right.”  Pearl hopped on and clutched Tourmaline’s thumb for balance.  “Greg, you’d better stay here.  If we miss Garnet somehow and she comes up here, tell her what’s going on.”

“Okay.  Take care, guys!”

Tourmaline hoisted Pearl to her shoulder and rose to her feet, taking off with a bounding stride that devoured distance.  Steven could see her grin growing back with the sheer exhilaration of her speed and power.  She avoided the road and galumphed across fields, vaulting fences and unwary cows while Steven and Pearl clung to her sweater as tightly as they could.  The bouncing made it hard to do much of anything but hang on and try not to be sick, but when he managed to get his head up Steven caught jerking glimpses of the ocean with spouts and fans of foam bursting from its surface.  They hit the edge of Beach City and Tourmaline had to slow a little, dodging between blocks and skipping over vehicles to the screech of brakes and the blare of horns.  A final flying leap took them over the boardwalk and thudding down with a great sliding spray of sand.  She skidded down to the water’s edge, where Garnet was standing with her fists on her hips, staring out at the chaotic water.  Being Garnet, she didn’t react to a small giantess making a long-jump landing just beside her.

“Garnet!”  Tourmaline panted.  “It’s me!  It’s us!”

“And us!” Steven added.  “She’s Tourmaline!”  Garnet glanced up.  The briefest smile twitched at the corner of her mouth.

“Congratulations,” she said.  “There’s a fierce fight going on out there.  I can’t see it very well.  Too much of a muddle.”

“The water’s too foamy to make anything out,” Pearl said, leaning as far as she dared to see.  “It’s been a while since the last corrupted Gem attack,” she added, half-hopefully.

“Mm,” said Garnet.  A huge wave rushed up the beach, white water swirling up to her hips and pushing her back against Tourmaline’s leg.  “Tourmaline, I’m going to want you to stay close.  We don’t know your abilities yet.  Now’s not the time to be reckless.”

“Don’t worry.  I have plenty of reck.”  Tourmaline stepped back from the water’s edge to where the sand was firmer, her voice sounding a shade apprehensive.  “It’s coming closer, whatever it is.”  She crouched and let Steven and Pearl down, drawing their shield and spear in readiness.  

“Steven, take care of Tourmaline,” Pearl said in an undertone.  

“Got it.”  He tried to give her an encouraging smile.  Excited as he was to have the new fusion with them, it would have been nice to have reliable scrappy Amethyst here right now.

The submarine disturbance drew nearer and then shot off at an angle down the shoreline, sending a wall of spume dashing against the beach.  It zig-zagged and lashed back and forth, and as it got into the shallower water an indistinct, struggling form was dimly visible through the blizzard of bubbles.  A choking scream tore through the air, and tentacles of water that twisted into chains were flung upward and curved back down, lunging like striking snakes.

“It’s them!” Steven cried.  “It has to be, those are Lapis’ chains!”

With a roar and an eruption of seafoam that pelted the boardwalk like hurricane-driven rain, Malachite burst from the breakers and landed sprawling on the wet sand.  Her form was even stranger than before; the pairs of arms seemed to be writhing away from one another, their shoulders twisting at weird, dislocated-looking angles so that the trunk of her body heaved one way and another, fighting with itself.  Her hair was draggled and snagged across her face like a tangled net, and she screamed through it at them, eyes slit with panic and rage.

“Hold steady, Gems!” Garnet shouted.  Her gauntlets were out and she had dropped into a boxer’s stance, feet wide and knees flexed.

There was no way Malachite could co-ordinate the battling segments of her body.  Dragging her rear limbs behind her, she clawed her way towards them with her two uppermost arms, her fingers tearing furrows in the beach while disintegrating chains of water lashed at her, looping and breaking and falling away.  Her back hunched violently and she screamed again, bucking and flailing until her tortured form blazed with sudden light and tore into two.

“Lapis!” Steven shrieked and ran for the smaller of the two glowing blobs.  It landed with a smack on the sand at the water’s edge and resolved into a sodden blue hump.

“Steven!” Pearl cried, and would have run after him if the larger glow hadn’t crashed down between him and his protectors.  

Jasper rolled, groaning, and lurched to her feet with desperate, exhausted strength.  Her face was haggard and she was shaking in every limb, so that she seemed to be holding herself up only through sheer force of anger.

 _“Where!?”_ she howled.   _“You!  Aaargh!”_  She charged Garnet, who blocked her with crossed arms and a grunt, her heels driven back into the sand.  Pearl darted in and struck Jasper’s legs from under her with a whisk of her spear, but she rolled again in a ferocious tumble of sand and hair and sprang at her, going for the smaller, weaker target, teeth bared.

“Yoink,” said Tourmaline, catching Jasper around the waist with her strong upper hands and lifting her up.  She held her at arm’s length like a furious wet cat, grimacing.  “Quit _kicking._ You small, me big, okay?  Recognise your disadvantage.  You bite me again and I’ll shove you up your own butt, ya little clod.”

Steven had reached Lapis, skidding on his knees in the slick sand, and pawed at her, trying to roll her over, trying to find her in the bundle of wet blue rags.  Finally, here was her face.  “Lapis!” he cried.  “Lapis, it’s Steven, it’s okay!”

She looked up at him blearily.  “Oh, no,” she sighed.  “I tried to hold her.  I really tried.  I just got so _tired.”_

“It’s okay, though!  You did great.  Look, we caught her!  Oh, Lapis, I’m so happy to see you!”  He hugged her tight, feeling the hot wet of tears cut through the cold wet on his face.

“I’m happy too,” she said, burying her face in his curls, her thin body shaking.  A sob burst out of her.  “I’m happy!”

Steven felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and looked up.  Pearl was kneeling beside him, and on Lapis’ other side, Garnet was dropping to one knee.  In the background, Tourmaline and Jasper were still cussing each other out, Jasper increasingly weakly as she clawed at the air and scrabbled her feet through nothing.

“Lapis Lazuli,” Pearl said softly.  “I’m so sorry I don’t know who you were.  I think I know who you are now, though.  You’re Steven’s true friend.”

Steven felt the point of Lapis’ chin on top of his head as she faced Pearl.  He couldn’t see her face and that worried him a little, but he thought it was important to stay where he was and keep hugging.  She felt so thin and cold.

“I don’t know if an apology will do any good after so long,” Garnet said.  “What we did was wrong.  We made a bad decision when we were afraid and confused and we never put it right.  After a while, I was afraid to try _because_ I’d let it go for so long.  I’m sorry.”

“If I were you,” Lapis said, nodding in Tourmaline and Jasper’s direction, “I’d break that Gem.  Do it now.  She’ll never stop fighting you.”

Jasper did stop fighting, though, because at that moment she burst in a puff of pink smoke, and Tourmaline was left trying to catch an orange gemstone that squirted out of her squeezing hands like a bar of wet soap.  She snatched it from the air and quickly bubbled it, then glanced at the rest of them guiltily.  “I wasn’t trying to do that,” she admitted.  “Guess I don’t know my own strength yet.  Um.  Hello, Lapis.”

“Who’s she?” Lapis asked Steven wearily.

“That’s Tourmaline.  Peridot and Amethyst fused.”

_“Peridot?”_

“She’s with us now.”

“Oh, Steven, don’t.  You can’t trust her.  You just -”

“I can.”  Steven unwound his arms from her waist and put his hands on her cheeks.  “I trust her, and I trust you.  You’ve both protected me, even though it was really dangerous and scary for you.  You didn’t even get to see what she did, but it was amazing.  It’s gonna be okay now.  We’ll be stronger together, and you don’t have to do anything else on your own.  And we’ll fix everything up, and you and me can be beach summer fun buds again.  There’s plenty of summer left.  Right?”

Lapis’ eyes were pools of misery and exhaustion, but she met Steven’s hopeful, trusting gaze and managed a small smile, followed by a short, crisp raspberry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that raspberry touched your heart as it touched mine.  
> Also, for Jasper's demeanour, basically imagine trying to give a bobcat a bath. Yeah. I think this has one more small chapter in it, for a wind-down and some chille tid.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This concludes the little pas de deux, but there might be more later? I mean, I did just dredge up Lapis and Jasper.

The beach looked as if a storm had just passed.  As quiet settled on Beach City, people began to show their faces at windows and doors, testing the air to see if they sniffed danger.  There didn’t seem to be too much damage; normally waves like those would have been accompanied by raging winds that would have torn down signs and sent any loose objects bowling down the streets to smash windows and demolish fences.

At the water’s edge, Steven helped Lapis to her feet.  She stood up straight, but he could feel her hand gripping his shoulder hard.

“Come on,” he said, “let’s go home.”

“You’d better defuse,” Garnet said, getting up and dusting sand from her knees.  “You won’t get through the door like that.”

“Oh, point,” said Tourmaline.  “Bummer.  Still, I bet I get to come out and play again soon.”  She grinned and dissolved, leaving behind Amethyst and Peridot, latched onto her like a clip-on koala.  They stayed motionless for a moment, then broke apart and shrieked in mutual glee.  Then they took turns shrieking for a few, then they grabbed each others’ hands and jumped up and down gabbling, all “YOU WERE AMAZING” and “I WAS AMAZING” and “WE WERE AMAZING” at the top of their lungs. 

“Is _that_ Peridot?” Lapis asked.  “Where’s the rest of her?”

“At the bottom of the sea?” Steven guessed.  “Oh, but not like you were.  And the MegaMan legs and stuff weren’t really part of her.  She’s nicer like this!”

“She’s certainly louder,” Lapis said doubtfully.

“Come on, you two,” Garnet said.  She scooped one overexcited post-fusion afterglower up under each arm and set off up the beach.

 

Back at the house, Steven declared that Lapis had been traumatised and needed a warm bubble bath to kick-start her recovery.

“It’s probably for the best,” Peridot said as he led her away, with the knowledgeable air of an old hand.  “The think chamber can be very therapeutic.”

“When you’re not trying to flush yourself,” Amethyst said, giving her a hip-bump.

“That was an _isolated incident,”_ she protested, bumping back without thinking, although she had less to bump with.  “Do you keep feeling as if there should be more of you?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“I expected to be bigger, but I had no _idea!_ We were a _colossus!”_  Her voice dropped from a hoarse squeal to a greedy whisper.  “We were _huuuuuuuuuuuuge.”_

“Oh dear,” said Pearl, as if remembering she’d left the stove on.  “I’d better call Greg and let him know how things turned out.”

“And I,” said Garnet, “would like some peace and quiet.  Amethyst, why don’t you show Peridot your room?”

“You’ll like it,” Amethyst promised, grabbing Peridot’s hand again.  “It’s weird.”  She towed her over to the temple doorway and tugged down the neck of her top to match her gemstone to the one in the lock, then pulled her through to a cavernous space filled with teetering piles of junk, jumble, rummage, bric-a-brac and just plain crap.  “Welcome to my domain,” she declared grandly.  “Sit wherever you want.  Eat whatever you want.  Smash whatever you want - except that pile, I’m curating it.”

“There’s more scrap here than at the barn,” Peridot said, stunned.  “What do you do with it all?”

“I mostly just _have_ it,” Amethyst said.  “You know?  I just love _stuff._ Thingamabobs.”

“Oh, a shirt,” said Peridot, pleased to spot something in the miscellany that she had a name for.

“Close.  These are shorts.”  Amethyst tugged a pair of fluorescent pink boardies out from between a stuffed Womble and a gently mulching stack of Danielle Steele.

“Shirts.  Shorts.  Are there garments called sharts?”

“Ah, no.  Sharts are something else.  You probably don’t wanna know.  You wanna try these on?  I got tons of clothes back here.  These aren’t really your colour, though.  You’d look good in yellow.”

“I thought I looked good in purple,” Peridot said, feeling rather daring, and was tremendously gratified that Amethyst socked her in the arm and doubled over snorting with laughter.

“I’m a bad influence on you,” she said, wiping her eyes.  “I love it.  I’m so glad we did that!  I mean, yeah, it was a big help to be able to squoosh Jasper, but it would’ve been worth it no matter what.  You must have _crazy_ good eyesight - that part must have come from you, right?  And I could feel how _stoked_ you were, and I was stoked because _you_ were stoked, and I was hype because _you_ were hype, and we had this great loop thing going!”

“I know!  And forgive me if I sound a trifle obsessive but I can’t get over the _size!_  Where did _that_ come from?  In fact, I think I know, I think what we were experiencing there was your _potential_ size.  The power of a Gem that size is all concentrated in _you_ as you normally are, and then fusion lets it out, and you’re a magnificent beast!”  She waved her arms over her head.

“No way.  Do Amethysts get _that_ big?”  This Amethyst’s face fell a little.

“Easily.  But no - no, Amethyst.  I don’t want you to feel bad.  I didn’t say it for you to feel bad.  After all, if you were that big we couldn’t dance together, could we?  And you wouldn’t _need_ to fuse with anyone for any practical reason, but I think I _get_ it now, the _impractical_ reason.  I mean, Garnet said like Percy and Pierre, and I thought I got it then, but this adds _dimensions_ to what I thought I knew - and I’m going to have to revisit Percy and Pierre with all this in mind, I can’t _wait_ to do another rewatch -”

“Wait, Percy and Pierre from _Camp Pining Hearts?”_

“Yes!  You know it?”

“Uh, I _taped_ it.  Short play mode for better picture.  My girl Vidalia and me used to have CPH slumber parties.  We had bingo cards and a drinking game and everything.  So are you telling me you ship Percy and Pierre?”

“What do you mean, ship?”

“You want them to get together.”

“Yes, exactly!  They’re objectively the best pairing - at least, based on the episode I’ve seen, but there’s so much material there that one can extrapolate -”

“You’ve only seen one episode?  Oh, man, then you don’t know about Terry.  Terry’s going to rock your boat.  He came to camp late because he had mono, but he doesn’t waste _any_ time stirring things up, and Pierre -”

“No, don’t tell me!  Can - can we watch it together?”  Peridot grasped Amethyst’s hand in both her own, starry-eyed.

“Yeah, of course.  I’d have to dig for my tapes, but it’d be great to watch it again with you.”

“Yes!”  Peridot hugged her impulsively.  After a moment she drew back.  “Is it all right for me to do that?  I should probably have asked.  I - I don’t aways like it if people touch me unexpectedly.”

“I noticed.  Yeah, it’s cool.”  Amethyst grinned at her.  “I mean, if it wasn’t I’d’ve shoved you through a wall, but the hugging is way more fun than the shooting and the die-die-die.”

“I was under a _lot_ of stress then.  I admit my objectivity faltered.  But Amethyst, objectively, you’re the best.  And when you smile at me, or I can make you laugh, I - I feel big.  I was never going to _be_ big, I could only look up to Gems who were.  Well, literally.  That seemed correct.  Now I’m not sure.  And you’re small like me, but I look up to you, well, figuratively, and together we can be someone so much bigger.  We - we can enjoy the bigger together, right?  Without feeling bad about the small?”

“Yeah.  Come here, ya big nerd.”  Amethyst pulled her close and hugged her.  Peridot hugged back, and wondered how long you were allowed to go on hugging for.  Just to stand here for half an hour or so pressed up to this soft, sturdy warmth, with more warmth wrapped around her, would be so gratifying.  After a moment, Amethyst made a strange sound.

“What did you say?”

“Didn’t say anything.  I yawned.  Some days one nap just ain’t enough.”  

“How do naps work?”

“You wanna try one?”  Amethyst led her by the hand to a nest of old quilts and pillows, leaking dusty feathers.  Following her lead, Peridot crawled into the depression in the middle of it and curled up beside her.  Amethyst pulled a heavy quilt over them and snuggled up to her.  “Now, you just relax.”

“Riiiight.”  Some hope, particularly in such close proximity to Amethyst’s interesting and confusing chest.

“Close your eyes and don’t think.”

“I don’t know how to do that.  Not do that.”

“Okay, then, think about clouds.  Big, soft, fluffy clouds.  White clouds high up in the blue sky.  Heavy black snow clouds.  Li’l wispy clouds going flick, flick, flick.”  Amethyst yawned again and rested her cheek on top of Peridot’s head.  

“Clouds are composed of water vapour.  Steven showed me.  They’re not soft or fluffy.”

“Think about how soft’n’fluffy they _look._  Picture curling up in a cloud.  Aaaall soft and fluffy and warm.”

Amethyst’s hair was draped across Peridot’s arm, and it felt soft and fluffy and warm.  She tried to imagine nestling in a cloud of that.  “Mm-hm.”

“An’ you just sink into your cloud… all warm’n’soft… ‘n’warm…”  Amethyst’s voice grew lower, and softer, and trailed off.  She had gone dormant, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open, her breathing deep and slow.  Peridot lay close beside her, knowing that she wasn’t going to nap, but content to be just where she was.

 

Amethyst woke a while later to find Peridot conked out, sprawled on her back and snoring gently.  She remembered Steven once running up to her to tell her that the German word for a cat’s purr was Schnurr, and wasn’t that the greatest?  Peridot was schnurring.  She’d have to tell him.  It was pretty cute.

Maybe she wouldn’t tell him, though, maybe she’d just keep this for herself.  Also cute, Peridot’s bed-head, like a little lime haystack.

Plus, she had more in common with Pearl than a love of big words and a tendency to get bossy.  The gem in her forehead was projecting her dreams.  Amethyst settled in to watch the show.  She was the guest star.  She and Peridot, in khaki campers’ shirts, seemed to be on the yellow team in Couleur War.  They were winning the three-legged race with big, bounding Tourmaline strides while the other competitors struggled behind them.  They crossed the finish line to thunderous cheers, hugged, spun round and round, still joined at the ankle.  Then Peridot, the little devil, swooped her into a heroic dip and kissed her.

Amethyst knew she wasn’t great at boundaries.  It was half of why she was always ticking Pearl off, and most of the time she didn’t give a rat’s patoot.  She was just a little embarrassed about watching any more of that particular dream, though.  She combed her fingers through Peridot’s hair so that a tuft fell through the gem’s beam and broke it up.

“Play your cards right, Pierridot, and who knows?”  She snuggled down again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peridot appears to Jasper to have a terrible case of Stockholm Syndrome, or as Homeworld psychologists will call it, Beach City Syndrome.

Jasper came to her senses gradually, not opening her eyes right away, listening carefully for sounds of anyone nearby.  All was quiet apart from a low hum, like an energy device working nearby, and some faint clicking and bleeping, probably from the same source.  That freak had done her a favour, really.  The opportunity to regenerate her form had restored her strength.  She couldn’t claim to have completely shaken off her recent ordeal, but the deep physical exhaustion was gone.

Time to take stock.  She was alive.  Good start.  She was lying on a solid surface and she was dry and warm.  Definite improvement.  She opened her eyes a little, looking out between her lashes.  She appeared to be in a cave.  She could see the rough rock overhead, fortunately not too low for her to stand up.  Rolling her eyes to the side, she could see that she was walled in by a forcefield. Probably the same type used for cell doors; it looked and sounded the same, even if she didn’t know exactly how it worked.  She turned her eyes to the other side, and with a jolt of relief, saw Peridot.  She was alive after all, and while it was no good that she had been captured, the fact that she was here showed their captors didn’t know enough to isolate them from each other.  Another unexpected favour.  Working together, they should easily break out.  She couldn’t expect any physical help from Peridot but a tech Gem should be a useful ally.  

Besides that, it was just good to see Peridot in one piece.  Not everything about this mission had gone horribly wrong.  

Her limb enhancers were gone, though, and for some reason she was wearing a baggy grey garment marked with the words BEACH CITY.  She was sitting still on a flat rock, apparently engrossed in a small hand-held device that she was operating with her thumbs.  Perhaps she was working on a way out.

Jasper rolled onto her side and sat up, and the slight sound caught Peridot’s attention.  She looked up from the thing in her hands and exclaimed, “Good!  You’re back.”

“Are you all right?” Jasper asked.  Something was strange, though.  Her smile stalled.  

She was _in_ a cell.  Peridot was _outside_ it.  She wasn’t in an adjacent cell as Jasper had initially thought.  This was a round cavern chamber, and there was a circular structure on the floor around her that she could cross in about two strides, and a matching structure bolted to the ceiling, with the forcefield stretched between the circles like the sides of a cylinder.  Peridot was in the space between the forcefield and the stone walls, and there was an arched door right over there, wide open.  Cables that connected to the circle on the floor snaked out through it.  She got to her feet, wary, ready to defend herself.

“I’m fine,” Peridot said.  “And you’re safe.  We both are.”

“What’s that thing you’re wearing?”  Was it hiding something?

“This?” Peridot looked down at her garment a little self-consciously.  “I’m just trying something out.  This is called a hoodie.  Look, it’s convertible.”  From the back of her neck, she pulled a covering up over her hair and back down again.  “And it feels… cosy.”

“Take it off,” Jasper said, unnerved.  “Are we still on Earth?  Are we prisoners?”

“The answer to your first question is yes!  The answer to your second question is… complicated.”  One of the sleeves of Peridot’s hoodie, being much too long for her, slipped over her hand and she rolled it up a couple more turns.  “Initially I was a prisoner, but things have changed.”

“What have they done to you?”

“Nothing!  I mean, nothing bad.”

“Where are your limb enhancers?”  

“I sort of lost them.  Well, they were disposed of, but that was before we came to an understanding.”

“An understanding?  They’ve crippled you.”  Jasper knew how much Peridot depended on those things.  How was she supposed to perform even her most basic functions without them?

“It’s extremely inconvenient, let me tell you, but I’ve adapted better than I ever thought I could.  And they’ve really done their best to help me, even if a lot of their efforts are frankly primitive.”  Peridot stashed the device she had been fiddling with in a pocket in the belly of her garment.

“What was that?” Jasper asked.  Everything seemed suspicious.  Was it something the Crystal Gems were using to control Peridot, or to monitor them?

“Oh, it’s a toy.  A game.  Apparently it’s a boy, although I’m not sure how it can have a gender.  I was just passing the time till you woke up.”

“Peridot, report.  Tell me simply and clearly exactly what’s going on here.”

“Right!  We’re currently in a chamber under the Crystal Gem Temple, their base.  You’re temporarily confined because, well, you’ve been antagonistic.  I’ve been asked to talk with you and help you to understand the situation.”

“You’re helping them?” Jasper was baffled.  

“I know this must be very strange to you.  It certainly is for me.  Just try to listen and consider what I say, all right?  Don’t make up your mind yet.”  Peridot sounded very earnest, and that was rattling her even worse.

“You’re helping them to keep me a prisoner in this hole!”  She stamped her foot and felt the vibrations deadened by deep, solid rock underneath.

“Hey!  If it weren’t for me and Steven arguing that you deserved the same chance I got, you’d still be in a bubble unconscious,” Peridot snapped.  She took a deep breath and softened her voice.  “You see?  They’ll listen.  They’re far from the most rational beings you’ll ever encounter but they’re not completely unreasonable, and they can be very - _kind._ ”

“They’ve brainwashed you.  I’m sorry, Peridot.  If I’d understood the threat they posed I could have done a better job protecting you.  I’ll get you out of here and we’ll see what they can do for you back on Homeworld.”

“No-no-no-no-no!  And anyway, you can’t get out.  I built that field myself with salvage from our ship.  It’s good.  You’re in there until we shut it off.  And I’m not _brainwashed._  Don’t you think it’s a little patronising to suggest I couldn’t have changed my mind and decided to join them on my own?”

“This just isn’t you!”  Jasper paced the perimeter of her prison, careful not to brush against the walls.  “I know _you_ , Peridot.  You’re intelligent and you work hard and you’re no traitor.”  She slapped the yellow diamond on her chest.  “What about this?”

“I… may have had a falling-out with Yellow Diamond,” Peridot said, shuffling her feet guiltily and tucking her hands into her pocket.

“How can you fall out with your _Diamond?”_

“Well, she was being so unreasonable.  Irrational, malicious, obstinate - I’d never realised she could be like that.  I don’t know how to lead up to this so that it’ll make sense and you can accept it.”

“She’s your _Diamond,”_ Jasper repeated, shaking her head.  “You love her!  You were made for her, just like me.”

Peridot mumbled something at the floor.

“What?”

“I said,” Peridot said, lifting her head and showing flushed cheeks, “Yellow Diamond doesn’t deserve us.  She’s just a big mean yellow clod and she’s abandoned us to die.”

“That’s not true.  Let me contact her.  I’ll explain that you weren’t in your right mind, ask her to forgive you, to send a rescue party.”

Peridot shook her head stubbornly.  “There won’t be any rescue party.  Before too long the Cluster is going to tear the planet apart with us on it, and she doesn’t care.  She just wants the Earth gone, and you and I are expendable.  What’s a Peridot more or less?”

“But I’m a Jasper,” Jasper said.  Her ears were ringing and her legs felt weak.  Perhaps she wasn’t over her exhaustion after all.  “She wouldn’t just…  I mean, she entrusted me with this mission!  She gave me this opportunity to…”  Her voice trailed away.

“To redeem yourself,” Peridot said heavily.  “Which is another way of saying, if you succeeded, great.  If you didn’t, no big loss.”

Jasper sat down.  Standing up was no longer an option.  “She never forgave me,” she whispered.  “For surviving… for retreating.”

“I’m sorry.  She’s wrong.”

“You’re just saying this to get to me!” Jasper roared.  She felt desperate.  “I should never have told you!  Now you’re using it and they’re using you and I don’t believe you, you tiny, insignificant piece of grit!”

“Obstinate musclebound idiot!” Peridot shrieked back.  “See if I try to help you again!”  She pulled up her hood and stomped out.

Jasper’s shoulders slumped.  She drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them, then rested her forehead on her arms.   _Peridot_ hated Yellow Diamond.  Peridot, of all Gems!  Did Yellow Diamond hate her, Jasper?  Was Peridot even telling the truth about any of it?  But why would she make such a thing up?  Was it something about the Earth?  Perhaps it poisoned Gems’ minds somehow.  She didn’t want it to happen to her, didn’t want to lose herself.  She looked up at the forcefield.  It would hurt, and it would only take her out temporarily.  If she could bring herself to do it repeatedly, she might overload something and shut it down, but she would probably be incapable of escaping after that.  She wasn’t a technical Gem, didn’t have a hope of finding a way out beyond brute force.  She could feel tears beginning and she ground the heels of her hands against her eyelids to hold them back.  You could cry if something bad happened to your Diamond but anything less was weak and pathetic and selfish.  It suggested you thought what happened to _you_ was more important.

“Know your place, know your duty,” she repeated to herself softly.  “Know your place, know your duty.”

Did Yellow Diamond hate her?

Peridot’s soft little feet made almost no sound on the rocky floor, and Jasper jumped half out of her skin when she cleared her throat on the other side of the forcefield.

“I’m sorry I shouted at you and called you an idiot,” she said quickly, her eyes darting away.  “That was… mean.  And it’s completely counterproductive to fight with you.”

“Help me escape,” Jasper urged her.  “We can find a way off this rock.  There’s still a galaxy warp, right?”

“Tried that.  It’s broken.  They broke it deliberately to block me coming through to monitor the Cluster, remember?”

“Lapis Lazuli escaped.”

“She can fly,” Peridot said with a shrug.  “Which I can’t without my limb enhancers, and you never could.  And I don’t want to go.”

“You don’t want to go _home?”_

“Of course I do, but I don’t want to abandon them and just let the Cluster happen.  Even if I could escape safely.  Which sounds completely and totally insane to me too, believe me, but… maybe if you got to know Steven…”

“Rose Quartz?”

“No, Steven - well, Steven Quartz Universe, I think that’s the full name.  Rose Quartz was his… his progenitor?  The word is mother.  He exists because of some kind of combination of fusion and biological reproduction.  She gave up her physical form to create him together with an indigenous life form called Greg.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Beats me.”

“She fought so hard.  She was so courageous.  She was _wrong,_ but she was noble.  Why would she give up?  Nothing you’re telling me makes any sense.”

“I’m sure there was some reason that seemed good enough to her, but it’s not as if I can go and ask her.  Anyway, Steven… believes in me.  He always wanted us to be friends.  He isn’t a Diamond, he’s nothing _like_ a Diamond, and he can’t give me orders, but - but I want to do what _he_ wants, and I want to help him and keep him safe.  And it isn’t just him!  There’s so _much_ here!  I came down here all prepared to give you my presentation and then I forgot all about it.  Wait right there!”

_“Peridot I am in a cell.”_  She wasn’t listening; she had run off to drag over some kind of board on legs.  Jasper flopped onto her back with a groan.  There wasn’t much Peridot loved more than giving a presentation.  Perhaps that was a little encouraging; it suggested that the brainwashing hadn’t completely changed her personality.  She hauled herself back up to a sitting position, cross-legged with her elbows on her knees and her chin in one hand.

“Okay, now,” Peridot was saying, setting up her board with great officious busyness.  “I realise this is archaic technology, but I’ve tried to compensate for that with plenty of visual aids.  I’m sure once I’m done you’ll understand the logical foundation for my new position.  It’s really so simple once you set aside certain limiting preconceptions!  Here goes.  The Crystal Gems: A New Perspective.”

She proceeded to bombard Jasper with rapid-fire lists, diagrams, graphs, anecdotes and flipbook animations until her head swam.  She’d seen Peridot enthusiastic, but this was on another level.  There were so many tangents and links that she couldn’t follow, about insects and chips and music and water falling from the sky, that she just let it wash over her and kept her face stoic the way she did in complicated briefings.  There were definite themes emerging, though, and she didn’t like them.

“So?” Peridot asked, at length, bright-eyed and slightly dishevelled because she had stuck her pointer through her own hair while trying to illustrate a complex issue.  “What do you think?”

“Well,” said Jasper, “the main thing I’m getting so far is that you’re infatuated with the runt.”

“I am _not!”_ Peridot snapped, her cheeks shining blue.  “It’s not infatuation.  She’s objectively the best Gem on the planet.  Do you need me to go through the graphs again?  And runt is really not a good word.  Amethyst is _compact.”_

“I don’t need to hear your detailed topographical analysis of her butt again, thank you.”

“That was just an _example_ of how her configuration is actually very efficient.  She’s amazing.  I know how counterintuitive it sounds, but size _isn’t_ everything.  And of course, it’s not _just_ her.  I can tell you a lot more about the others, too - for example, Pearl.”

“It’s a shame about the Pearl,” Jasper said.

“How so?”

“I mean, you’ve got the runt, and you’ve got those two fusion deviants.  They were never going to fit in anywhere.  But she’s beautiful.  A specimen like her should be attending a Diamond, not running around with a spear.  It makes you wonder what went wrong here to mess her up like that.  What a waste.”

“Well,” said Peridot, thoughtfully bending her pointer back and forth, “I agree that Pearl is very pretty, if you like that showy, flouncy type.  I think she’d disagree with you that she’s going to waste, though.  In fact, I would too. _I_ thought she was defective at first.  It just seemed _silly,_ a Pearl thinking she could do all that - because she isn’t just a fighter, she’s also a competent engineer.  I don’t just mean she’s good _for a Pearl,_ she’s competent by Peridot standards, and she’s almost completely self-taught.  It makes me wonder what I could do, if I tried something different - or you, for that matter.”

“I’m a warrior.  I’m _optimised_ to be a warrior.  It’s a waste of time to split my energy with things I could only do worse.”  That stuff about the Pearl bothered her, though.  Peridot was a stickler for accuracy and quality.  It could be irritating because she could be so rigid about it, holding out to do things perfectly instead of adapting to the situation as it was for the sake of the mission, but it made her extremely reliable as an analyst.  That was such an essential part of her that it was hard to see how even brainwashing could change it.  Was her assessment actually right?

More likely she was becoming defective herself, still _trying_ to analyse and assess but doing it with a brain that was slowly turning to gravel.  Soon she’d be thinking she could lead troops or do heavy construction work - or be a Pearl herself, taking a Diamond’s messages and posing by her throne looking chic and luxurious.  She’d be about as good at that as Jasper herself.

“Well, in conclusion, that’s why I decided to declare common cause with the Crystal Gems and why I encourage you to do the same, for your survival and because it just seems like the right thing to do,” Peridot said with a shrug.  

“No,” said Jasper flatly.  “Now what?”

“I suppose I have to renegotiate.  I wish you would see reason, Jasper.  I’m trying to secure my standing with these people and this doesn’t make me look very good.”

“One day we’ll be back on Homeworld and you’ll be better and thanking me for not giving in.”

“If only,” Peridot sighed.

* * *

 

Peridot trudged back to the living room and dropped onto the couch beside Amethyst, who was eating stale cheese straws and low-key waiting for her.

“How’d it go, Polkadot?” she asked, crunching.

“Discouraging.  Infuriating.  Disappointing. Frustrating.  Et cetera.”

“C’mere,” said Amethyst, patting her thigh.

“Hm?”

“I mean, put your head here.  Like it’s a pillow.  It makes things better.”

“Oh?” Peridot gingerly laid her head in Amethyst’s lap.  “How?”

“Just wait and let it work.”  Amethyst wiped her crumby fingers on the couch cushion and petted Peridot’s hair.  After a little while she tried humming quietly, not the tune Rose would hum for her, just Greg’s van song.  She could feel Peridot gradually relaxing, and it was kind of wonderful to feel that _she_ could make someone feel so much better.

“Mmrrmm.”  Peridot rubbed her cheek slightly on Amethyst’s leg.  “I’m not sure why, but it is working.”

“Sometimes it’s nice to feel little and safe like a kitten.”

“What’s a kitten?”

“It’s a little animal kind of like you.”

“In what way?”  Peridot turned onto her back and looked up at her.

“It’s hissy and spitty and scratchy, and soft and cute and cuddly.”

“You think I’m _cuddly?”_

“I know you’re cuddly, we’re cuddling right now.”

“Am I doing it right?”

“Yeah, you’re getting pretty good at it.”  Amethyst curled a twist of Peridot’s hair around her finger.

“Well, it makes me feel nice.  So wow, thanks.”

“You don’t need to say wow every time you say thanks, dorko,” Amethyst said fondly.  She bent down and kissed Peridot’s forehead, above her gemstone.  That made her blush almost purple.

“What’s a _dorko?”_ she squeaked.  

“It’s a person who doesn’t know what she’s doing but I really like her.”

Peridot abruptly lunged up and tried to kiss her, but got her on the nose.  Amethyst quickly tilted her head to compensate before she could get the idea she’d blown it.  Peridot clearly didn’t have the faintest idea how to kiss someone; she just sort of opened her mouth and crammed it onto yours, but it only took a moment for her to catch on to the basics.  She hung on tight and made little eager grunting sounds and was generally an adorable mess.  When she finally drew back her visor had fogged up.

“That’s a human thing to do when you like someone, correct?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s pretty human, but they don’t own it.”

“It didn’t really feel good at first, but I started to like it.”

“Think you might want to try it again?”

Peridot’s face fell.  “I really do, but I shouldn’t.”

“Because it’s a human thing?”

“No, I don’t mind about that.  This isn’t the time to divide my attention, though.  We should just concentrate on dealing with the Cluster, and Jasper, and when we know we’re safe, then we can do kisses and things.  I’m sure that’s right.  It’ll be like a reward.  Yes.”

“I don’t see why we can’t do both.  It’s not like it’s time to go attack the Cluster and we’re blowing it off to make out instead.”

“No, this is important.  I need to work out what to do about Jasper, since my first approach failed.”

“Okay,” Amethyst said, disappointed but resigned.  “I guess it’s motivation, which according to Pearl I need more of.”

“But - could I still put my head on your leg if I feel bad?”

“Oh yeah.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper receives more visitors.

They could at least have given her more space in this cell, Jasper thought.  If she carefully found the exact middle, she could lie down without touching the sides with her head or feet, but the walls were unpleasantly close.  Curling up a little helped.  She obviously couldn’t lean against the walls, so sitting had to be done right in the middle too.  Standing was, oddly, more frustrating than sitting or lying down because it called her attention to the fact that she couldn’t take many steps - two and a half big strides, three or four smaller steps across the circle.  She was going to go out of her mind with boredom in here.  She sat up and rested her chin on her fists, her elbows on her knees, hunching over grumpily.  

The ceiling was just bare rock, less than arm’s length above her head, but it was too thick to punch through and trying to jump straight up and head-butt it with her helmet on wasn’t any more effective.  It had made her feel stupid and she was glad nobody had been present to witness it.  She hadn’t had any luck with the floor either.  All her efforts there had yielded was a more uneven and uncomfortable surface to sit on, and she’d given up when she realised digging her way out could mean literally years of relentless headbanging.  She had hucked the larger shards of rock out of her enclosure, fuming at the way they could pass through the forcefield as if it were nothing.  

_Then_ she’d thought that if perhaps she had more _pieces_ of rock, she could build a little arch that blocked the forcefield and gave her a gap to crawl out through.  She had no idea if that was scientifically possible or a ridiculous idea, but she had nothing else to do so she tried it.  That had established that she was a really bad builder and that it was surprisingly complicated to break rocks into lumps that would even stack well enough not to fall off each other immediately.  It made her _furious_ to see them clattering off as soon as she took her hand away, and it was worse still to have to refrain from smashing the stupid things because she still needed them to _work._

And then, after all her time and effort carefully, gingerly poking them into place without getting her fingers zapped, it didn’t work, because evidently the forcefield went through the rocks as much as the rocks went through it.  They didn’t make any gap in it at all.

So now she was sitting in a shallow, cratered pit that hurt her butt with its jagged surface, and there were chunks of rock all over the cave, and she was covered in dust and crud, and she had accidentally broken Peridot’s presentation board by throwing one of her larger rocks in a minor emotional outburst, which she did feel a little bad about because stupid and weird as it was, she could see Peridot had worked hard on it.  She was never the type to do only as much as she had to and then stop.  That was what she’d always _liked_ about Peridot, why she’d always been glad to work with her, and why she had trusted her enough to treat her as a companion on the long space flight even though they were such different Gems.

Now poor Peridot was losing her mind and all Jasper could do was make her own butt more uncomfortable.  She sighed and flicked a chip of rock with her forefinger.  It flew away and plinked off the wall.

“Um, hello.”

The Steven Quartz was standing in the doorway, looking small and pudgy and useless.  He had a tray in his hands with some colourful objects on it.

“I see you redecorated in here,” he said with a nervous chuckle.  “I thought you might like some snacks.  I know you don’t _need_ to eat, but they’re nice.  Peridot says you need to try the salt and vinegar chips.  They’re in the green bag here, and then I’ve got you some apple slices, and some cheddar cheese, they’re really good together, and a couple of different juice boxes, and a Lion Licker for dessert.  Don’t let that sit out too long or it’ll melt.”  He pushed the tray through the forcefield towards her.  Jasper looked at it, wondering whether it would do her any good to smack it up into his face.  Probably a waste of energy.

“Um, are you going to take it?” Steven Quartz asked.  “No?  Okay, I’ll leave it here for you.”  He set the tray down inside her enclosure.  The startling thing was, he put his hands right through the forcefield to do it.  It seemed to take an effort, but it didn’t harm him.  And in the spaces under his arms there were gaps in the field, just the way she’d imagined with the rocks.

“That’s how you broke out before!” she exclaimed.  She hadn’t meant to speak to him.

“Oh - yeah.  I think I can do it because I’m half human.  There’s more stuff holding me together, probably.”  He shrugged and seemed to put it out of his mind.  “Anyway!  Maybe we can make it more comfortable for you down here?  Would you like some cushions, or a blanket?”

“I’d like to get out,” Jasper said, because it couldn’t hurt to just say so, “and take you back to Yellow Diamond so she can decide what to do with you.”

“Oh.  Um, no, I don’t want to go see Yellow Diamond, she seemed pretty mean.”

“She seemed?”

“When Peridot was talking to her on the communicator thing from the moon base, we could see her but she couldn’t see us - well, we hid behind the rocks.”

“So you’ve seen Yellow Diamond.”  That came as a shock.  “Didn’t that make you feel any different?”  It was hard to imagine anyone seeing Yellow Diamond and not feeling something for her, that longing to serve her, to please her, to be useful to her.

“Kind of scared?  But it was great when Peridot told her off.  You should’ve seen her face!  But yeah, I really don’t think she’s a very nice person.”

“She doesn’t need to be _nice._  She’s _strong.”_

“But… I think when you’re really strong, it’s extra important to be nice, because you could hurt people if you’re not careful.  And if you don’t care about hurting people, then you really don’t deserve to be so strong.”

Jasper snorted.  “You have a lot to learn about the real world.”

“What’s not real about our world?”  He held out his arms.  “Check it out!  Well, I mean, you can’t see the best stuff while you’re down here, but if you promise to behave you could come up and see some more.” 

“Oh, if I behave like Peridot?”

“Peridot really wasn’t very well behaved at first,” he said, chuckling, “but she’s mellowed out a lot.”

“I don’t know what you did to her, but I’m not going to give you a chance to do it to me.  Take your ‘snacks.’  I don’t want ‘em.”

“I’ll just leave them here in case you change your mind,” he said.  “Um.  See you later?”  He left her, looking back over his shoulder as he went.

The tray sat there.  The thing he called a Lion Licker must be very cold, because condensation was forming on its outside.  She wasn’t even sure what he expected her to do with them.  Smells were coming off some of them.  The white wedges with green edges smelled quite pleasant.

She tried to ignore them, but it was so hard to kill time.  She managed to finger-comb most of the crud out of her hair; that took a while.  Oddly, the white surfaces of the wedges were turning brownish and they didn’t smell as good any more.  The condensation had trickled off the Lion Licker and its shape had sagged somewhat.  The yellow cubes hadn’t changed and nor had the boxes or the green bag.

She was _so bored._

They could be a trap.  They probably _were_ a trap.  

_So bored._

Cautiously, Jasper poked the green bag.  It crinkled.  It was made of something like a fine metallic foil, but not exactly like metal, crimped together and sealed at both ends.  She pressed on it a little more firmly.  It was full of something light and rustling and fragile; she felt it crunch and break under her finger and quickly pulled back.  That was the thing Peridot had said to try, or Steven Quartz had _said_ Peridot said to try, so it was probably the most dangerous thing on the tray.  

She picked up one of the boxes, which was made of no material she recognised and had a sloshing liquid inside it.  What did you even use this for?  It was so little it was awkward to hold, even between finger and thumb.  She fumbled it, pinched to catch it, and it burst, splashing her face and soaking her hand with amber-coloured fluid.  She flinched in shock and blinked whatever it was out of her eyes.  Nothing happened.  It just dripped and felt sticky and smelled not unlike the browning white slices.  Mopping it off with a handful of her hair only spread the stickiness around and mixed grit and dust into it.  She yelled in disgust and hurled the flattened box out of the cell.

She was sitting hunched up, sticky and filthy and miserable, when the Pearl came down with an armful of pillows and blankets.

“Hello, Jasper,” she said briskly.  “Steven thought you might like these - oh dear.  What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jasper growled.  “You don’t care.  Where’s Peridot?  What are you doing to her?”

“Peridot is up at the barn fine-tuning the drill that we’re going to use to reach the Cluster,” Pearl answered readily.  “Amethyst and Garnet are with her, and Steven is having a sleepover with his father.  I stayed to keep an eye on things here.”

“What about Lapis Lazuli?”

“I’ve lent her my room.  She seems to like it there, and, well, we all want to make her comfortable.  She’s had a very hard time.  Still, you haven’t had an easy time either.  Steven wants us to consider that.”  Moving carefully to stay clear of the forcefield, Pearl gently tossed in a couple of pillows.  They landed beside Jasper with soft, flimsy thumps.  Jasper ignored them.  Pearl stood looking at her a moment more before setting down her armful of blankets and leaving the room.

Jasper had assumed that was that, but shortly afterward she was back with a large bowl of water and a towel.  She stopped just outside the doorway, touched the outer wall and stepped through.  A moment later a forcefield blocked the door, and to Jasper’s astonishment, the walls around her went down.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Before you get any ideas,” Pearl said, “the door can’t be opened while the cell walls are down.  I set that up.”  She picked her way between the scattered rocks, tutting.  “You’ve certainly made a mess.  Did you tire yourself out?”

“No,” Jasper said automatically.  She leaned back as Pearl came closer.  It would be ridiculous to be afraid of her; she was so tiny and delicate, but her nerves were strained.

“Hold still,” said Pearl, and she took a cloth out of the bowl, squeezed it out and wiped Jasper’s face.  She couldn’t think why she _was_ holding still, other than generally feeling flabbergasted.

“That should feel better,” Pearl said, still wiping efficiently.  “I do _not_ understand the appeal of food and drink.  It’s just messy from start to finish, though I do admit it can smell nice.  Oh, it’s in your _hair._  Bend down and let me rinse that out.”

Jasper had done it before she thought about it.  She knew she was being ridiculous, she knew she should be fighting and finding some way to force this defective Pearl to let her out, but on the other hand, and this was something she would not have admitted under the most refined torture, she’d always thought it would be sort of nice to have a pretty little Pearl fuss over her.  Obviously that wasn’t going to happen.  Jaspers lived strong, utilitarian lives and luxuries like Pearl attendants weren’t for the likes of them.  This wasn’t quite the kind of pampering she imagined the elite got, but still.  Pearl _was_ awfully pretty.

_She’s defective,_ Jasper scolded herself.   _You know that, she’s cracked in the head, so it doesn’t matter how pretty she is.  You don’t want her touching you._

Pearl picked up the towel, which proved to be wrapped around a brush.  She blotted the wet clump of Jasper’s hair and then began neatly, deftly brushing it out.

“This takes me back,” she said wryly.  “It’s been years since Amethyst has let me brush her hair.”  She began humming quietly to herself as she worked.

_I’m being cunning and stealthy,_ Jasper told herself.   _I’ll act quiet and docile to lull her suspicions.  Yes.  And I can just enjoy getting my hair brushed as a kind of bonus side effect._  A chilling thought crept in, though.  She had mentioned Pearl’s beauty to Peridot.  What if Peridot had gone back and told them that?  What if they’d sent Pearl in here deliberately to soften her up?  Was she actually being kind or was she a vile temptress?   _I should tell her to stop.  I should push her away.  It doesn’t matter what she thinks of me.  Is this what happened to Peridot - is this how they got to her?_

Pearl finished with her hair disappointingly quickly, while she sat paralysed by indecision.  Pearl brought the blankets over and laid them out neatly on the floor with the pillows, then stood back and regarded her work with satisfaction.  “There.  I don’t know whether you like to sleep, but that should be more comfortable to sit on, anyway.”  She stepped closer to Jasper, looking directly into her face, and leaned forward.  Jasper leaned back, wondering why in the world she was being like this, feeling like this, if she was already in the first stage of brainwashing.  Could big blue eyes be a mind-control device?

“I just want you to know, Jasper, that you’re on your second chance.  There isn’t another.  I’m going to be kind to you because it’s what Steven wants, and because I believe it’s what Rose would have wanted.  She was very compassionate and forgiving.  Not like me.  You hurt my baby, and if you ever try to do that again, I’ll find a way to kill you and you won’t even see me coming.”

She turned away and left without a backward glance, pausing only to touch the wall beside the doorway, dropping the forcefield there and raising it around Jasper again.  She sat there holding her ankles, barely breathing, flustered and frightened and completely unable to explain why that had been so incredibly hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. Jasper's in trouble.


	6. Chapter 6

Jasper was loath to use anything the Crystal Gems had given her, but the blankets were a lot better to sit on than the bare floor.  She stacked the bowl and the tray and so on and carefully pushed them out through the forcefield, using the handle of the hairbrush to get them safely all the way out.  

She kept the brush, if only because brushing her hair was something to do when the boredom got unbearable.  She was asking herself now why she hadn’t just headbutted Pearl when they were nose to nose.  With that big old gemstone sitting right in the middle of her forehead, Jasper could probably have cracked or even smashed her.  But then, she didn’t understand what Pearl had done to switch off the door forcefield.  There was a small touch pad on the wall, which she hadn’t noticed earlier, but those things always had to be operated in a particular way and the angle of Pearl’s body had prevented her seeing exactly what she’d done with those long, agile fingers.  It wouldn’t have got her very far.  Maybe she could have smashed through the wall beside the door, but she didn’t want to count on it.  The way her luck was running she would have only managed to enlarge the space she was trapped in, and make sure the others would kill her when they came back and found what she had done to their Pearl.

Which was all a roundabout way of saying that she hadn’t thought of it when she could have done it because she didn’t want to do it.  It wasn’t as if she _liked_ Pearl.  She couldn’t even say she knew her, and Pearl clearly didn’t like her one bit.  But she didn’t want to break something that pretty, and stupider and weaker still, it _bothered_ her that Pearl didn’t like her.  

_She’s not supposed to like you,_ she reminded herself.   _She’s the enemy.  That’s the point.  And she’s only a Pearl!_

She had never thought a Pearl could look at her that way, though.  Her eyes had been so fierce.  She had always felt scornful of the Gems who talked about the “terrifying renegade Pearl,” assuming that they were just unnerved by the fact that a Pearl was fighting at all, as weird and unnatural as if your chair had come to life and dumped you off its seat.  She had been completely wrong about that.  Pearl was actually scary in her own right.

It was sort of thrilling, in a weird and also completely wrong way.

Jasper was not given to introspection.  It wasn’t what she had been made or trained for.  She just couldn’t stop thinking about something so strange happening within herself.  The parts of it didn’t fit together.  Liking for someone pretty to touch you gently and do things to take care of you, well, that seemed obvious as anything.  She could excuse herself for a weakness like that.  Feeling excited about that gentle pretty person also being fierce and scary?  Being bothered that that fierceness was directed at you personally because she didn’t like you (even though she had touched you gently and done things to take care of you)?  Not being able to stop thinking about her eyes and her hands and how she moved like she was dancing and the way her voice sounded like a song and the way her hair curled around her face and the way you could probably wrap one hand right round her waist and have your fingers and thumb overlap?  Being completely bewildered by all of the above and somehow sort of enjoying the bewilderment?

And getting so confused and fascinated by this mess in your own mind that you were in danger of forgetting that you were failing your Diamond and in even more imminent danger of being pulverised by a Cluster anyway?

There were certain clear and simple, if not easy, things that she needed to do.  Escape or be released from this cell.  Rescue Peridot.  Get off Earth.  Return to Homeworld.  Thinking about anything else was a dangerous diversion of her mental and physical energy.

But there was nothing she could _do_ right now, so she lay down and tried to think about Yellow Diamond, even to imagine what she was always ashamed of imagining, that Yellow Diamond would praise her and _touch_ her.  It helped a little.  

After a while, though, something strange happened.  She was actually in Yellow Diamond’s presence chamber.  She was invited to come up and sit on her lap in the big chair.  Yellow Diamond put her arm around Jasper’s waist and looked down at her fondly.  She was allowed to lean against her; it was lovely.  She closed her eyes and felt fingers softly combing through her hair.  She felt very small, but in the best possible way, because there was someone much bigger and better taking care of her.  She completely relaxed, and there was nothing but peace and pleasure and comfort.

But then she was back in the cell, lying on a blanket that had got twisted around her.  There was a large pink creature lounging on the floor outside, watching her calmly.  It wasn’t a Gem; it must be indigenous life.  Maybe it was the “Greg” Peridot had mentioned.  She stared at it with narrowed eyes.  It yawned enormously, showing rows of sharp white teeth and a very long pink tongue.  To show how little she cared, Jasper yawned back.  There.  

The pink creature got up and padded into her enclosure, moving through the barrier as if it were nothing.  Jasper jumped to her feet, ready to defend herself, but it didn’t appear aggressive.  It wandered around sniffing everything, and then came over and sniffed Jasper herself, paying close attention to her knees.  Suddenly, it head-butted her in the side of her thigh, almost buckling her leg, and then went weaving around her legs and feet, shoving and wiping its big shaggy head against her and making rumbling noises in its chest.  It seemed friendly, if non-verbal.  She might have found it likeable if she had encountered it in different circumstances.

“What are you?” she asked.  It looked at her briefly, shook its head, sneezed, and walked out of the room.  It had left a lot of long pale pink hairs clinging to her legs, and she brushed at them irritably.  She was still picking them off when Peridot came in, pushing a blocky device with a screen on a small cart.

“Oh, I see Lion found you,” she remarked.

“Is that what it’s called?  I thought it might be the Greg.”

“Ha!  No, Greg is much less impressive.”

“What does it look like?  Have I seen it?”

“I don’t think so?  He’s about Pearl’s height but a lot thicker through the middle and in the limbs.  He’s pink, too, and he’s soft and fragile. Lots of hair, but it’s brown like dirt and it grows over part of his face too.  Apparently Rose Quartz really loved him, which goes to show there’s no accounting for taste.  He seems pleasant enough and he has some mechanical aptitude.”

“Do you think,” Jasper said slowly, “that that may be what poisoned Rose Quartz against the Diamond Authority?  Falling for an indigenous life form?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe?  We could ask him.”  Peridot was connecting wires from the devices on the cart to a plugboard at the end of one of the cables that came in through the doorway.  They appeared to be box-shaped machines, with lights and control buttons and primitive readout displays, but their function was unclear.

“There’s something very strange about this place, Peridot.  I think it interferes with your mind.  I’ve been resisting it as much as I can but I’m feeling some of the effects too.”

“Like what?” Peridot asked, sitting down.  She wasn’t wearing her hooded garment today, but instead had two strange fluffy tubes of fabric on her lower legs.  It was a relief to Jasper to be able to see that there was nothing visibly wrong with her upper body.

“Just now I lapsed into unconsciousness and had a hallucination.  It seemed completely real until I came round.”

“Hmm.  Were you lying down at the time?”

“Yes.”

“And not thinking of anything in particular, or only thinking of pleasant, calming things?”

“Yes!”

“That’s nothing to worry about.  That’s just napping.  I’ve been trying it out with Amethyst.  It’s a kind of deep relaxation technique.  You go into a sort of trance called sleep, and while you’re in that trance your mind simulates various experiences that may or may not really have happened but are often based on what’s recently been on your mind.  The simulation is called a dream.  You see?”  

“Peridot, how can you describe something so bizarre so calmly?  You’re telling me my body shut down and my mind made me think something was happening that wasn’t real at all!  I must be going insane!”

“No no no, it’s fine!  I mean, it’s certainly not something I ever experienced before visiting Earth, it may be a local phenomenon influenced by the conditions here somehow, but it’s considered absolutely commonplace and to be honest, I’ve been enjoying it.  Though apparently,” Peridot went on, “it is possible to have a disturbing dream called a nightmare, based on fears or worries.  Did you have a nightmare?”

“No,” Jasper growled.  “That would make more sense.  It was a soft weak dream.”

“Well, it’ll be all right.  If you’re aware of how it can happen you can avoid it.  Apparently humans have to sleep periodically to live, but that’s not a problem for us.”

“I’m worried,” Jasper admitted, “that it will creep up on me again.  Being alone down here with nothing to do is messing with my mind.”

“That’s why I’ve brought you some recorded entertainment!  This is called a tee vee and this is a vee see arr.  The vee see arr plays these magnetic tapes - it’s a ridiculously inefficient system but welcome to Earth, am I right?  Let me show you how to work it.  This is really neat.  It’s the _very first episode_ of _Camp Pining Hearts.”_

She was so _excited._  Jasper couldn’t understand it.  She watched the screen and tried to follow the narrative it presented while Peridot hopped around telling her that a really great part was coming up; the really great part, as far as Jasper could tell, never arrived.  It was a story about a group of young Earth beings who seemed to be gathered at some sort of military facility, unless it was a recreational facility; they were at war with each other, unless it was only a game, and people kept staring into each other’s eyes and talking earnestly about their feelings and squashing their faces together in uncomfortable-looking ways.  At one point two individuals called Pierre and Percy had a short conversation about lanyards, whatever those might be, and Peridot had to rewind the tape several times to show her details of the movements of their facial features and extremities and to shriek about the intensity and significance of their interaction.  Jasper thought the following scene in which Imogene and Sue arm-wrestled to determine who would lead their team in the tug-of-war was more interesting and made the mistake of saying so.

Peridot stopped the tape and went off into a disquisition about the suppressed passion between Percy and Pierre and the unstoppable force they would be if they could just understand their own feelings and unite.  Jasper protested that she just thought it was more interesting because Imogene and Sue were fighting _about_ something, plus Imogene was quite tall and sturdy and powerful while Sue was small and wiry and quick and clearly out of her mind to challenge her obvious superior, and yet she had beaten her, so how did she manage that and what was Imogene going to do about it?  She was going to have to reassert her dominance over Sue, wasn’t she?  So could they just get on with the show and see that?

To her frustration, it turned out Sue was a better strategic leader and Imogene was a better help to the team as their anchor at the end of the rope.  It was nice that they won and hugged each other, she supposed, even if you could only see that in the background because Paulette was losing her mind over Percy’s stupid rope burn and Peridot was equally losing her mind over the fact that, while Paulette “only” bandaged Percy’s hand with her bandanna, it was Pierre who helped him to his feet.

“See, Pierre has the kind of strength that Percy can truly depend upon.”

“You did see the part where Pierre’s team lost, right?”

“Only because Paulette is so useless!”

“I absolutely agree that Paulette is useless.  She’s all hair.”

“Well, at least we can agree on _that,”_ Peridot sighed, subsiding a little.  She perked up.  “So you want to watch the next one?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate you trying to entertain me, but is there anything else?”

“Oh.  Sure, um… well, I haven’t seen all of these, Steven and Amethyst put some suggestions in the box.  There’s the rest of CPH, there’s… _Star Wars,_ that sounds like you, there are a few of those… _The Iron Giant… Promise of the Rose,_ don’t know what that is… _Beauty and the Beast.”_ She stacked them neatly beside the cart.  “The thing is,” she said carefully, “one reason why I wanted to bring you something good to watch is that soon we have to go and deal with the Cluster.  And if you’re not willing to come with us and help, well, you’ll need to stay here.  It didn’t seem fair to leave you without anything to do.  We could be a while.  Anyway, I wanted to ask you again… do you want to join us?  You can still watch all the tapes,” she added quickly.  “It’s not either/or.”

“I know you’re still in there, Peridot, and I know you’re trying to help me.  The answer is no, but I’m not going to give up on you.”

Peridot grimaced.  “Well, it’s not that I don’t appreciate _that._  And I don’t like having to leave you here alone but you don’t leave me a lot of choice.”

“I won’t be completely alone though, will I?  I mean, I assume the Pearl will stay here.”

“Not at all.  We’ll need her with us.”

“Really?  What for?”

“I keep telling you she’s a competent engineer.  She’s the only one apart from me who is, and with stakes this high I don’t want to go in alone.  Amethyst and Garnet are both excellent fighters but they’re not technically minded at all.  If something happened to me I doubt they could complete the mission, so no, Pearl goes with us.”

“Oh,” Jasper said.  She supposed she hadn’t taken it that seriously, but clearly they all really believed it.  A small, embarrassing part of her felt distinctly disappointed at the loss of any prospect of future hair-brushings, even if they came with threats on her life.  “Is anyone staying?”

“I think Lapis is going to stay here.  She wants peace and quiet.”

“If I never see Lapis Lazuli again I won’t mind one bit.”

“I think she feels the same way.  If you like, I could ask Greg to come down and check on you - but no, I don’t think he can access the Temple like that.”

“I’m not so far gone that I need to be checked on by a little meat man.  Do you have any idea how long you’ll be?”

“None.  I’ve never tried to do something like this before.  I don’t think anyone has; the Cluster is experimental.”  Peridot was looking anxious.

“If anyone can do it you can,” Jasper said gruffly.  “And if you can’t do it, we won’t care for long, will we?”

“Ha.  True.”  Another little grimace.

“And when you get back, we can work out a way to go home to Yellow Diamond.”

Peridot sighed.  “Jasper, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.  When I talked to her Yellow Diamond didn’t even ask about you.  If you keep on believing in her, it’ll feel worse when you finally see why you can’t.”

“I believe in Yellow Diamond,” Jasper said stubbornly, “and I believe in you.  To a lesser extent, obviously, but still.”

“Thanks,” said Peridot.  “Well, let’s get the TV into your enclosure so you can use it while I’m away.  We can have a good talk about CPH once you’re all caught up.”

Between them they managed to manoeuvre the cart over the structure on the floor and into Jasper’s space.  

“Don’t forget to pay close attention to Pierre in episode three,” Peridot fussed.  “He doesn’t have many lines but it’s all in his body language.”

“All right, all right.”  It occurred to Jasper to wonder why she was bothering to agree to something so transparently pointless and stupid, but she had to admit that she would be grateful for the distraction.  “Hey, speaking of body language, one thing I didn’t understand in _Pining Hearts_.”

“Yes?”  Peridot asked, eager to get started again on her favourite topic.

“Why do they squish their faces together?  What’s the point?”

“Oh, that’s called kissing.  It’s a gesture of affection and intimacy.  I know it looks sort of disgusting but it actually feels quite nice when you get used to it.  It’s a human custom originally, but the Crystal Gems have adopted it too.”

“When you get used to it?” Jasper repeated, aghast.

_“I can do what I want don’t you judge me.”_

“Are you saying they all do that?”

“Not all the time and with everyone.  Just like… well, there are different kinds of kisses, depending on your relationship with the other person.  I’m still working on a system of classification.  I’ll get back to you on that.  I - I have to go, anyway.  They’re taking me out this evening to give me something called pizza.  Goodbye.”  She hurried off, leaving Jasper alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jasper's stubborn belief in Peridot coming back to her original allegiance is very much inspired by Wester's belief that Eas will return to Labyrinth in _Fresh Pretty Cure,_ a magical girl show about love, friendship and the awesome power of doughnuts.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jasper watches way too much television.

She was still a little surprised that they’d really left her all alone, but it seemed that they had.  Not that she could hear anything much outside this cave anyway, but there was a stillness all round that she thought hadn’t quite been there before, like a weight of silence pressing down on her.  Peridot and Steven Quartz had, at least, come down to say goodbye to her.  He had brought her more snack things.  Peridot had been wearing that dreadful grey thing again and had had the decency to look guilty.

So here she was.  Once again, Jasper took stock.  She was confined to a small space that she hadn’t found any decent chance of leaving.  She was in good physical condition.  She had two blankets (one fluffy and pink, the other fluffy and yellow), two pillows (both yellow), a TV, a VCR, a box of VHS tapes, a hairbrush, a bottle of water, three bags of chips, six bananas and a package of beef jerky.  She still had no idea what chips, bananas or beef jerky were for, but she didn’t like the way the bananas smelled.  She carefully poked them out of her enclosure, which didn’t block the smell but at least kept them out of her way.  She arranged her blankets in a comfortable pad to sit on.  She sat there cross-legged and tried to convince herself she was not going to go completely screaming mad from a combination of boredom and the general insanity field she was starting to think this planet projected.

After a while, out of a certain sense of duty to Peridot, she tried watching the next episode of _Camp Pining Hearts,_ but gave up in disgust when she realised Imogene and Sue were being relegated to a subplot about helping the dippy arts and crafts counsellor to have some sort of assignation with the swimming instructor.  She stacked _Camp Pining Hearts_ to one side - she wasn’t quite ready to consign it to the outside - and contemplated her other options.  They were pretty limited.  After a while she closed her eyes and stuck her finger out, and _Star Wars_ it was.

The first three episodes seemed to be missing, but helpfully, it started with yellow writing climbing up the screen to explain the story so far.  She had to pause it a couple of times because she wasn’t a very fast reader and the way the words moved made her eyes uncomfortable, but she got the gist of it.  The music was quite good, anyway.  She liked how blustery it sounded.  She hadn’t heard much music because it was really only for the elite, so she supposed this counted as a luxury.  She settled herself with her elbows on her knees and her chin on her fists and watched, frowning in concentration.

The pink Lion life form came up and nudged her shoulder with its snout right when the three heroes were about to be crushed by a garbage masher, and she almost jumped out of her skin.  She hadn’t realised she was so thoroughly engrossed in the story; she’d felt she was sitting here analysing it with a certain detachment.  Even though she knew that Earth people (although these might not be Earth people if the story was really from a galaxy far away) didn’t observe any logical organising principle like height or overall mass, it still kept striking her as odd that, for example, Han Solo apparently made decisions for both himself and Chewbacca, and that Princess Leia, who from her behaviour was clearly a Diamond and a pretty good one, was so feebly small.  At least Darth Vader had the decency to be tall, and an interesting shiny black, like a Jet she’d met once.  The other strange thing was that C-3PO and R2-D2 were so transparently a Pearl and a Peridot, even if they were extremely ugly, clunky-looking things, so were things here, or perhaps in this other galaxy, really done in a lot of the same ways as on Homeworld after all?

Lion made a soft rumbling noise and walked between her and the screen, weaving back and forth several times in figure eights, swiping the tuft on the end of its tail into her face on each pass.  She would have clobbered it if it hadn’t been her only company.  Eventually, though, it settled down on the floor in front of her, and she could rewind the tape and work out how they had escaped from becoming garbage.

When the story ended up with medals all round, she felt a little disgruntled.  It seemed too happy and shiny, and Chewbacca, with whom she’d identified to a surprising extent considering that she couldn’t understand a word he said, should have had a medal too.  She told Lion as much.  It was the first time she’d tried speaking to it and she’d wondered if it might speak back, but it just blinked at her.  

“Well, if that was more brainwashing it wasn’t subtle,” she went on.  “The Rebellion are the heroes?  Please.  And Ben Kenobi was all talk.  If he became more powerful when Darth Vader struck him down, why didn’t he _do_ anything?  That was pathetic.”  Lion yawned.  “You think so too?  Good.”

There were two more, though, so she started the next one.  It was more exciting, to her mind, and Diamond Leia (as she had started to think of her; Princess was clearly the local equivalent of Diamond) had got a more practical outfit.  It was strange, though.  She’d grasped that Earth was one of those planets where everything had one sex or another, and the people seemed to have two possible genders (or more - was droid a gender?), but there were far more of Luke and Han’s gender in the story than Leia’s, which seemed unbalanced, unless she was just misreading what gender the characters were through unfamiliarity.  And _then_ a ridiculous little green thing called Yoda appeared and started making weird noises and going on about not judging people by their size and she had to snort so loudly that Lion, which had been dozing with its head on her foot, woke up and looked affronted. 

But _then_ Han was frozen in carbonite and both Diamond Leia and Chewbacca were terribly upset and Jasper found that she was quite upset, too.  She’d started to like him without quite realising at what point that had happened, even if he was cocky and pushy.  He and his Diamond had just started to really understand each other and draw close and work well together, the way Peridot would go on and on about, and he was taken away from her, and because she was so unDiamondly small she couldn’t do anything about it.  She kept thinking about when he had kissed Leia on the top of her head to comfort her, which she supposed was part of what Peridot meant about different categories of kissing.  Instead of ending too happily, this part of the story left her worried.  Lion had now planted its head in the middle of her lap and draped one big heavy paw over her knee.

The third part left her with mixed feelings.  She was happy for Leia and Han, ridiculously happy for two little biological life forms who really shouldn’t matter to her (when _he_ had said, “I love you,” and _she_ had smiled and said, “I know,” Jasper had punched the air), but she was frustrated by all the stupid little furry creatures scampering around, and even more Yoda (who apparently thought being only nine hundred years old was some kind of big deal).  What she hadn’t quite caught onto, although now she thought about it there had been a glimpse of it in the middle one, was that _that wasn’t Darth Vader’s head,_ it was a helmet with a mask.  He wasn’t like a Jet at all; underneath he was a pale lumpy little Earthling who died.  It spoiled her whole idea of him.  It made her want to rewrite the whole story and make it make _sense,_ which itself didn’t make sense; she wasn’t a Beryl so how could she write a story?

It must be six or seven hours since the Crystal Gems had gone away.  Were they near the Cluster by now?  She had no idea.  Would she know when something happened?  She supposed she would know if the planet blew up like Alderaan.

“It would be a shame if you got blown up,” she told Lion.  “Even if you are only biological.”  It pushed its head under her hand to indicate that she should stroke it.  You weren’t supposed to get attached to indigenous life forms, of course.  It messed up your objectivity and made it unnecessarily hard on you if you later had to put them down.  Lion was sort of cuddly, though, and she was a prisoner, and there were no witnesses, so she obliged.  It looked pleased, as far as she could tell.

Time dragged.  She thought she should try to save the other tapes for longer; there were only three more that weren’t _Pining Hearts._  Lion was pleasant company, but no conversationalist, and everything was so quiet.  She fought going to sleep, she really did, but Lion was a very bad influence.

Then she was in a desert and the sun was going down, painting the sand and the rocks orange and pink.  The desert stretched away to the horizon in every direction.  A little way off was a large boulder, and seated on it, watching the sunset, was Rose Quartz.

Jasper hurried over.  When she reached her, though, she didn’t know what to do or say.  Challenge her to a duel?  Drop to one knee?  Just punch her?

While she stood hesitating, Rose Quartz moved her voluminous skirt to one side to make space for Jasper to sit down beside her.  She smiled calmly and patted the stone.  Jasper checked behind her, but there was no one else she could be looking at.  It look the wind out of her sails and she meekly sat down.

“It’s nice here at the end of the day,” Rose Quartz said.  

“I came here hoping to find you.  I was going to defeat you.”

“I know you would have tried, but do you really think you could have?  You alone?”

“Maybe?  Against you alone?”

“But I was never alone.”  Rose Quartz leaned back on her hands.  “Instead, you met my Steven.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask.  I can’t promise you an answer.”

“Was it because you fell in love?  With this ‘Greg’?”

Rose Quartz laughed, not unkindly.  “Think about it, Jasper.  My rebellion was over five thousand years ago.  To people here, nine hundred is an amazingly old age.  Could Greg even have been alive when I made my choice?”

“Oh.”  She felt stupid.

“You might be a romantic.”

“I am not!  There are no reasons that make sense, so I tried to think of a reason that _doesn’t_ make any sense.”

“I did fall in love, though.  I fell in love with her.”  Rose Quartz waved a hand at the Earth in general.  “And so I couldn’t let anyone hurt her.  You understand that, don’t you?”

“I understand the idea but I don’t understand why you feel that way.  What about the Diamonds?”

Rose Quartz shrugged.  “What about them?”

“How can you stop loving your _Diamond?”_

“I think you have to answer that yourself.”

“I don’t want to!  I never will.”

“Then you don’t have to.”

“I still admire you, but you are _annoying,”_ Jasper said frankly.

“I appreciate your honesty.”  Rose Quartz stretched her feet out in the sand.  “You’ve spent more time as a prisoner than you have free.”

“On Earth?  Yeah, I’m having a real run of luck there.”  She thought a bit.  “What is beef jerky for?”

“I have never been entirely sure.”

“What is that thing called under the sea with the whippy sticky legs and the big eye and the beak?”

“The Sarlacc.”

“I saw it fighting with a whale.  Reminded me of Lapis and me.  The whale was big and strong, but the Sarlacc always had one more tentacle to whip round it.  I think it drowned the whale.”

“How do you know about whales?”

“They’ve got them on Colony 88X too.  Kept them around to ride on them.”

“Oh yes.  You didn’t drown, though.”

“That’s something, then, isn’t it?  I’m not doing so bad.”

Rose Quartz was gone, and she was waking up curled around Lion with her face buried in its mane and hair in her mouth.

“Pleth,” she said, lifting her head.  “Well, _that_ was weird and unnecessary.”  She thought the dream had pretty obviously been influenced by the tapes she’d just watched; at least Rose Quartz had had the decency to be sitting on a rock watching one sun set instead of standing on a berm watching two.  Since she didn’t have the option of a change of scenery, she should probably watch something different to clear them out of her head.  She eased herself away from the sleeping creature so as not to wake it up and considered the tapes again.

One of them had “Rose” in the title, so was it a good idea to watch it after a Rose Quartz dream?  This one had been weird.  She had had so many dreams about confronting Rose Quartz, but they had always involved meeting her in battle and immediately rushing together to fight in a glorious clash.  They had never met somewhere quiet and sat down to talk.  It was enough to make her wonder if being in this place where Rose Quartz had lived had put her in touch with her somehow - but no, that was ridiculous, Jaspers weren’t remotely psychic.  She’d have to be a Sapphire or an Aquamarine for that.

She shook her head, dismissing the idea, and put the tape in the machine.

This was another one that seemed to begin in the middle of things, or at least after a lot of things had already happened, but wasn’t helpful enough to give her a text crawl explaining the background.  She spent most of the first half in irritable confusion learning who people were.  If the Earth had magic warriors like this, why did Homeworld have no intelligence about it?  Had they arisen in the time since the Rebellion?  What was up with the nautical theme?  Why did anyone give a crap about Mamoru?

Then, towards the end, it all became clear and she felt a surge of relief at the world making sense once again.  Usagi was their Diamond!  She actually _had_ a diamond, like she should, except that it was hidden inside her chest rather than on the outside and it was called the Ginzuishou, but that didn’t matter because she was the Diamond and the Princess and so _everything_ about the guardians who surrounded her made sense.  

They were the important ones here; Mamoru and Fiore could be safely placed to one side as “boys, go figure.”  Ami was a kind of perceptive Sapphire and Rei was a fierce Ruby and Makoto was a powerful, protective Emerald and Minako was a tough, wily Topaz, or maybe even a Jasper herself.  She actually hugged herself with glee.  Problems with her interpretation briefly occurred to her - Rei seemed to have precognition like a Sapphire, Ami used a screen and visor like a Peridot, how could she make Artemis and Luna fit?  Black and white Pearls? And was Chibiusa some sort of runt Rose Quartz, unable to fight? - but she decided to ignore them because otherwise it was so totally satisfying.  Now she’d broken the code, she had to watch it again and appreciate all the details more.

Lion had kept her company, in a bemused sort of way, for most of her first viewing but had wandered off during the “Moon Revenge” song.  On her second viewing she was trying frantically to work out whether Usagi’s silly, clumsy behaviour was a pose used by a cunning Diamond to ensure her enemies would underestimate her until she unleashed her true power.  That moment when Fiore had taken her guardians hostage and she had dropped her weapon rather than fight him… that just wasn’t a Diamond thing to do.  Unless it was a bluff, a brilliant bluff to draw all his attention to herself so that her guardians could rally from their injuries and come to her aid, all expressing their absolute loyalty to their Diamond.

It was confusing, though, how Fiore kept _accusing_ her of bluffing.  Was the story telling you it _wasn’t_ a bluff by having the villain say that?  A Diamond was the most important thing, the most important person.  She wouldn’t actually put herself at risk, would she?  No, she told the others she wouldn’t die, she knew she was never really in danger, right?  And she protected them, and the planet, because they were _hers._ And even when her diamond _shattered,_ she came back by a miracle, by consuming the life force of the alien who had dared to threaten her but now gave her his all because he recognised her total superiority.  Yes, that was good.  She pressed “rewind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few minor points:  
> \- Rose didn't tell Jasper anything she didn't know or couldn't have inferred, and would surely have known that what Jasper saw was a kraken. (No, not a giant or colossal squid. A proper kraken.)  
> \- I just need you to imagine that in this universe, _Sailor Moon_ got an accurate translation and an excellent English-language dub right from the beginning (but the R movie still got retitled _Promise of the Rose_ because I like that title AND IT'S THEMATIC), because I don't think Jasper could handle reading subtitles. Either that or assume Gems can understand all spoken languages. Either way, she didn't watch the version with "my special friend Serena" and "moon mama."  
>  \- But you can still imagine your favourite voice actors from the DiC dub were in it anyway, because I don't want to lose Katie Griffin as Sailor Mars or Susan Roman as Sailor Jupiter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small heart-to-heart feat. Amethyst's low self-esteem.

It was a dark, windy evening.  Peridot found Amethyst sitting up on the edge of the Kindergarten canyon, her feet dangling over the drop and her hair wafting with the breeze.

“Hello,” she said hesitantly. “Can I sit with you?”

Amethyst didn’t react for a moment, but then she looked up and said, “Oh, sure.”

Peridot sat down close beside her, although she didn’t feel like dangling her legs from this height.  Instead she tucked her knees up to her chest and pulled her hoodie down over them, wrapping her arms around her legs.

“You cold?”  Amethyst asked, and put an arm around her.  Peridot shuffled her butt closer and rested her head on Amethyst’s shoulder.

“Not really,” she said, “but it’s comforting somehow.”

“Nervous, then?”

“Maybe a little.”  The canyon was inky dark with shadows; the holes in its walls had long since blended into the general blackness.  “Is it… I don’t know, _melancholy_ for you to come to a place like this?”

“Where’d you get a word like that?”

“It was in episode three.  Remember Pierre talks about it being melancholy that summer always ends?  I asked Pearl and she told me more than anyone could want to know about exactly what melancholy is like.”

“Yeah, she’d know,” Amethyst nodded.  “She’s the word nerd.”

“I thought _I_ was your nerd.”

“Yeah, you are, don’t worry.  I guess it’s just… sitting here I’m thinking about the gap between what I was supposed to be like and what I am.”  She made a whooshing noise and waved her hand to indicate the wind rushing through the vast empty space of the canyon.  “You know.”

“Yeah, I know.  If it helps, I’ve ended up fairly different from what I was supposed to be.”  She paused.   _“Does_ that help?”

“Eh, I like how you are a lot better.”  Amethyst rubbed her cheek against Peridot’s hair.  

“I wonder if Jasper will too.”

“Like you better now?”

“End up different.  I think she likes me well enough, at least as much as she ever did.”

“So I don’t gotta compete with her big shoulders and her wide stride?”

“What are you talking about?” Peridot asked with a little snort of laughter.  “Like a _Jasper_ would ever look like that at _me?_ I was surprised she even wanted to talk on the trip here, but I guess since we’d always worked well together she felt she could relax her standards a little.”

“It sounds like Homeworld’s not all that _sociable.”_  

“It’s just very orderly,” Peridot said defensively.  “Like goes with like.  And - well, it works there, but here is different.”

“Would I be the only Gem in the whole universe who doesn’t know what Homeworld is like?” Amethyst asked, her voice low.

“Oh, no!  There have been Kindergartens on lots of colonies, so millions of Gems have been made off-world.  Everyone _wants_ to go Home, but not everyone gets to.  I was privileged, obviously.”

“Oh,” Amethyst said.  She sounded surprised and uncertain, as if she didn’t know whether she was relieved to hear that or not.  “I guess I’d just kind of assumed.  You know, everyone except me…”

“Not at all.  You are unique, but not that way.  I guess it distorted your perspective a little that you were raised with only high echelon Homeworld Gems.  There are lots of colonials.  I’ve worked with some and they’re just as competent.”

“Pearl’s not high echelon, though, right?  You made it sound like she’d be some kind of servant.”

“Yes, but a servant to the elite.  Pearl is a top-of-the-line luxury model, so she’d at least have status by association.  Though some Gems resent Pearls who get uppity because of that.  Just because you’re a Diamond’s pet or a Quartz’s favourite accessory doesn’t mean you share her qualities - but still, nobody would _say_ anything.  It might get back to her owner.”

“Okay, Peri, you don’t know, so I’m not mad, but I’m telling you so you don’t _make_ people mad.  Here on Earth, owning another person is a really, really bad thing.  If you go around talking about it that casually, people are going to be pretty shocked.”

“There are so many things to remember,” Peridot complained.  “All right, I’ll add that to my list of touchy subjects.”  She paused.  “Didn’t Pearl belong to Rose Quartz?”

“I dunno.  If she did it was before my time, and she didn’t any more.  I mean, I guess Pearl was _hers_ because she loved her so much, but that’s like saying you’re _my_ nerd, you know?  Doesn’t mean I own you, just that we’ve got a connection.”

“Well, maybe Pearl was Rose Quartz’s nerd.”

Amethyst chuckled affectionately.  “That’s a nice way to think about it.”

“Amethyst?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know if I love you, though.  How do you know when you love someone who’s not your Diamond?”

“It’s okay if you don’t love me.  You like me, right?”

“Of course.  Definitely.”

“And I like you, so we’re good.”

“But how do you know?”

“Ugh, I dunno.  There are lots of different kinds of love.  I loved Rose and I love Pearl and Garnet and Steven, and it’s different with each of them.  I love Vidalia, I love Greg.  Don’t tell them all I said that, though, okay?  It’d be awkward.  I don’t know what to tell you because I haven’t got it figured out myself.  You can love someone but want to drop an anvil on ‘em.  And you can love someone and have no idea why they would love you.  I’m kind of hard to love, I mean, I’m weird and gross and short and annoying.”

“Who told you you were gross and annoying?” Peridot demanded indignantly.  “I want a word with them.”

“No one has to _say_ it,” Amethyst said.  “I can _see_ it about myself.  But who cares, right?”  She got up and walked backwards along the edge of the cliff, holding her arms out for balance.  “Not me!”

“Don’t do that,” Peridot fretted.  “It’s a long way to the bottom and you could get cracked.  Even if you just poofed it could put us behind schedule waiting for you.”

“At least you’re honest.  I like that about you.”

“Come back to the others with me.”  Peridot got up and held out her hand.  The wind gusted unexpectedly, pushing at her, and she lost her balance.  For a second she had one foot on the ground and one foot in the air, and she thought she could still recover, but then gravity grabbed her and she felt a sickening plunge.  She bounced once against the canyon wall, the impact stunning her, knocking out of her head any thought of how she could shield herself.  She was in empty space again and suddenly she was grabbed tight.  She hit the wall again, but managed to fend off with her arms.  She was swinging at the end of a long rope - no, at the end of Amethyst’s whip.  She grabbed the lash and held on tight.

“You okay?” She could see the dark shape of Amethyst’s head and shoulders, outlined against the cloudy, ragged sky.  Her voice was shaky.

“Yes.  Yes, I’m safe.”

“Hold on.  I’ll pull you up.”  

Peridot found herself rising swiftly, jerking slightly with a series of pulls.  It was as if she could feel Amethyst’s strength through the whip.  She was dragged over the lip of the cliff all anyhow, scraping and bumping every part of her that hadn’t already been scraped and bumped, and bundled up in Amethyst’s arms so tight that she squeaked.

“Are you all right?” Amethyst asked urgently.  She pushed Peridot’s hair back from her face, holding her cheeks with shaking hands.

“I said so, didn’t I?”

“Okay.  Okay.  Jeez, that was scary.”  Amethyst rested her forehead against Peridot’s and closed her eyes.  She was still trembling.  Peridot managed to wriggle one arm out of the coils of the whip and pat Amethyst’s back.  She was beginning to shake now herself, a sort of delayed reaction.

“Amethyst?”

“Hmm?”

“I changed my mind.”

“What about?”

“About the kissing.  I - I don’t mean just now, I came up here because I wanted to talk to you about it.  I don’t know what’s going to happen!  I’m doing everything I can to make this come out right but it’s so much more than I’ve ever had to deal with, I really don’t know if I’m up to it.  And if in a few days from now I’m just shards in space, I don’t want to be shards that put off things I really wanted to do, even if it is a distraction, and I - mmph.”

Kissing still felt strange, but the parts she liked kept getting better and better.  The whip was gone and she was wrapped up in Amethyst and her mouth was tingling like nothing else ever had.  Luckily, they managed to roll away from the canyon edge.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jasper begins to contemplate the possibility that she is not a gun.

Jasper was starting to feel paradoxically comfortable in her cell.  She knew that was a kind of trap, a trap for her mind to match the one her body was in, but on the other hand, she had her blankets and pillows, and she had Lion most of the time (although it went away sometimes, seemingly on a whim), and she had her tapes to watch.  She told herself she was just making the best of a bad situation, and taking the opportunity to study and understand the enemy based on their cultural products.  That wasn’t really in her wheelhouse but opportunities for punching and kicking in here were few.  There was nobody to fight with but Lion, who she didn’t want to fight.

So she watched _Beauty and the Beast,_ and it confused the hell out of her.  All right, despite the fact that Gaston was the biggest and strongest in the village and clearly the best person available to ally with, Belle wasn’t interested.  That made sense when you considered that she was thinking in terms much bigger than just that village, so she didn’t want to encumber herself with an alliance to someone she would just have to discard when she found someone bigger and better “in the great wide somewhere.”  And she clearly didn’t want to be friends with him, and nor, really, did he with her.  He was just looking for a devoted, subordinate Pearl, and there were three perfectly good other ones he could have chosen from.  The problem with Gaston was, he needed a Diamond to direct him.  Everyone treated him as if _he_ were a Diamond but he was nowhere near that level; no real ambition or plan.  He could at least look at conquering the next village, but he didn’t have that kind of strategic mind and so he was going nowhere.  It was a waste.

He wasn’t the main character, though, Belle was.  There seemed to be a strange running theme in the stories of this world of focusing on a ridiculously small person who nevertheless possessed Diamond attributes.  The Beast was three times her size but Belle stood up to him and, eventually, forced him to respect her.  Their relationship didn’t make sense.  Jasper understood the part where they grew to care about each other, that was easy, but even after Belle had overcome the Beast’s pride and he was trying to please her, she didn’t treat him as her subordinate (or take some obvious steps like sending him to the village to smash Gaston).  It was as if she thought they were equals, but how could they be?  They weren’t remotely the same type.  She was a human and he was some sort of Wookiee, at least until he could break his spell, but how could you have True Love in circumstances like that?  True love was surrender and submission and service.

And then there was all the _singing._

And then he turned out to be almost as pathetically small as her and his voice changed and went all boring and she was so disgruntled she threw the tape out of the cell.

She regretted that almost immediately.  She couldn’t afford to just discard entertainment options in here, so she started trying to communicate to Lion that she needed it to go out and bring the tape back to her.  She tried verbal communication.  She tried verbal communication louder and slower.  She tried sign language.  She tried giving a full-body demonstration, crawling on her hands and knees and picking up another tape with her teeth.  Lion just looked at her and blinked.  Scraping the bottom of the barrel, Jasper tried saying “please,” and it yawned and lay down with its back to her.

“FINE I DIDN’T WANT IT ANYWAY.”  She put on _The Iron Giant._  In hindsight, this was a mistake.  It made her cry.  And cry, and cry, and get hiccups, and cry some more.  Even when the end showed you that the Giant could reform a bit like a Gem and in time he and Hogarth could be together again, she couldn’t stop crying.  Lion licked her face solicitously, which was kind but incredibly abrasive.  “I don’t even know why I’m crying,” Jasper blubbered, and hid her face in Lion’s warm pink mane, which smelled of dust and sand and dry flowers.  It let her stay curled around it, and in time she cried herself out and fell asleep.

She dreamed that she was one Iron Giant among many, striding through fire and ruins and destroying everything in front of her.  She couldn’t stop.  She was trying to stop, that was the strange part.  The dream just went on and on and on like that, wanting to stop and not being able to.  She might be able to stop when they had destroyed everything on the face of that planet, or they might just keep going round and round again, until they wore it away to dust under their heavy, grinding iron feet.

She woke up feeling drained and horrible.  She tried to take her mind off it by watching _Star Wars_ again, but soon she was curled in a ball and crying more.  Lion seemed quite concerned about her.  It nudged at her with its heavy paws and licked at her hair.  It went away, and she felt absolutely alone in the world, and then it came back and tried to push the _Beauty and the Beast_ tape, slightly dented by its teeth, into her hand.  That made her laugh a little bit, feebly and tearfully.  She slept again and dreamed that she held Pearl in her hands, and crushed her, and tried not to, but it was no use because crushing was all her hands could do.

“I am never, _ever_ going to sleep again,” she told Lion darkly, “and I am never going to forgive Brad Bird, whoever or whatever that is, for making me lose my mind.”

Despite the obvious folly of it, she still watched _The Iron Giant_ again and again, hoping that repeated exposure could inure her to how it made her feel.  It didn’t exactly inure her, but she thought she was learning to cope.  And it was beautiful.  That meant more to her than she would have expected.  She absolutely loved the part where Hogarth and the Giant discovered that they could fly.  Even in the midst of the danger they were in, it was exhilarating.

It occurred to her to wonder, while she was blotting her tears on the yellow blanket after the sixth viewing, how the anti-Cluster mission was going.  The world seemed to exist still, which was somewhat encouraging.  She wondered if they thought of themselves like a small squad of rebel fighters going to destroy the Death Star.  She wondered how the Death Star had felt about that.  Did it have a mind like the Iron Giant, or like R2 and 3PO?  Did it feel bad about exploding Alderaan?  And did the Cluster have a mind?  Did it know or feel anything about anything?

_“That_ was a weird one,” she said aloud.  She wished Lion was here to talk to, but it had wandered off again to wherever Lions went.  When you kept having bizarre deviant thoughts that would never have occurred to you before, it helped a little to have company to keep you out of your own head.

She watched tapes and made up stories in her head.  Not proper stories, obviously, she wouldn’t be capable of that, but just silly little things.  Adventures for Sailor Moon and her guardians.  (They defeated the Empire and let Princess Leia join their team.)  She didn’t know how much time was passing.  She never saw Lapis or a living thing besides Lion, whose visits grew shorter and absences longer.  At some stage, she felt a deep rumbling in the earth, and the lights flickered.  She wondered if the forcefield generator would lose power and release her, but then, she also wondered if everything was about to go Alderaan and render any escape moot.  The vibration increased, and she had to grab the TV cart to prevent it falling over.  But then, anticlimactically, it just faded away.  Everything seemed as normal as it ever did.  So she waited.

When they finally got back and Steven and Peridot came down to the cavern, they found her sitting bundled up in a blanket with her hair tied in two knots, staring in rapt, tearful attention at the TV screen as the music swelled and whispering along with Vin Diesel, “Superman…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it doesn't make you cry when the Iron Giant closes his eyes and whispers, "Superman..." you must have a heart of frozen stone.


	10. Chapter 10

“Jasper, are you okay?” Steven exclaimed.  He’d been a bit worried about leaving her all by herself, even if she didn’t need to eat or drink or go to the bathroom, but he hadn’t thought she’d have a breakdown.  

“Don’t worry about it,” she said gruffly, wiping her face with the heel of her hand and sniffing hard.  “This part always gets me.”

_“Oh,”_ said Steven, stepping through the barrier with a shudder and seeing what was onscreen.  “Yeah, this one gets you right in the feels.  Hey, I’m sorry we took so long.  It got more complicated than we were expecting, but everything turned out all right in the end.  And we couldn’t have done it without Peridot!”

“Thanks for noticing my greatness,” Peridot said smugly.  She bent and peered at the litter of discarded tapes on the floor.  “What’s _Camp Pining Hearts_ doing out _here?”_

“I had an emotional crisis and flung some stuff,” Jasper said.  “I would have tidied up but I couldn’t reach them any more.”

“If you’ve broken them I’ll never forgive you.  These things are rare.  It’s a crime that this show has never had a DVD release!”  She went scuttling around picking up fallen cassettes and tutting over them, brushing dust and sand off them with her sleeve pulled over her hand.

“I like your new hair,” Steven said brightly to Jasper.  It was lopsided and had strands hanging out of it, but then she’d done it without benefit of a mirror and the two big buns did actually look pretty cute on her.  Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to compliment her on, though, because she scowled and started pulling it loose.

“Did you even _watch_ these?” Peridot yelled from the far corner of the cave. 

“I tried,” Jasper protested with her fingers caught in a snarl of hair.  “I got through about five episodes till I realised nothing interesting was _ever_ going to happen.”

“Philistine!” Peridot retorted.

“I don’t know what that is!”

“Because you’re a philistine!”

“You’re just making words up!”

It was weird, Steven thought.  Jasper was grouchy and yelling, but he didn’t feel scared of her any more.  The bad feeling that used to come off her and make his skin prickle wasn’t there.  She didn’t make him feel warm and comfortable the way Garnet and Amethyst and Pearl and his dad and Connie did, and Peridot had started to, but there was definitely a change.  And then Peridot pulled down her eyelid and went “Nyaaah!” and Jasper blew a truly thunderous raspberry at her and it caught him by surprise and made him laugh.  She looked down at him, startled.  

“You’re all getting along, then.”  Garnet was standing in the doorway watching them, her hands on her hips.

“Hey Garnet!”  Steven hopped over the barrier circle and ran over to hug her leg.  She gave his head a quick pet as she stepped past him and over to the forcefield, looking up at Jasper, who had risen to her feet.  There weren’t a lot of people Garnet had to look up at.

“Hello, Jasper,” she said calmly.  Jasper gave her a curt nod in return.  She looked as if she didn’t know what to do with her hands; she’d close them into fists but them open them and nervously wipe them on her pants legs.  “Has Steven told you the crisis is over?”  Another nod.

“Well, for now,” Peridot put in, coming over with tapes stacked up under her chin.  “Sooner or later Yellow Diamond is going to wonder why she hasn’t heard a bang yet, so to speak.  Other scouts could be coming.  But!” she added cheerily, “you have me now!  And I’m totally au fait with all modern technology and systems.  They won’t be able to take us by surprise like I did.”

Garnet gave her a small smile.  “I’m glad you’re here.  Jasper, you’ve had some time to think.  You don’t have to commit to anything yet.  I wouldn’t.  The question is, do you want to come out of there?  And if you do, how are you going to behave?”

Jasper scratched her arm, shifting her feet in the dust.  “I won’t try to hurt anyone.”

“Good.  Will you try to escape?”

“Where is there to escape _to?”_ Peridot asked.

“I’m asking Jasper,” Garnet said quietly.  Peridot piped down.

“No,” Jasper answered.  “It’s like Peridot said.  And… I’m curious.  I want to see what happened here.  I want to understand why Rose Quartz did what she did.”

Garnet gave her a long, steady, impassive look, and finally nodded.  “All right.  Here’s what’s going to happen.  We’ll turn off the barrier and you’ll come upstairs.  You can meet some people.”

“We’re having a barbecue on the beach to celebrate surviving and saving the world!” Steven announced.  

“It’s a local festivity of some kind involving fire,” Peridot said, shrugging.

“Like…” Jasper paused, thinking.  “Like at the end of _Return of the Jedi?”_

“Yeah!” Steven exclaimed.

“Oh, so you did watch _something,”_ Peridot said peevishly.

“It’s okay, Peridot,” Steven said, patting her arm.  “Not everyone is going to like the same shows and movies.  That’s why there are so many of them.”

“How many?”

“I, um, I’m not sure.  It must be thousands.”

“And has anyone catalogued and ranked them all objectively?”

“You kind of can’t.  It’s _sub_ jective.  Some things are more popular than others, like more people like them, and you can say things like, this movie has better special effects than that one, but it’s always going to depend on opinions.”

“Did you like _Star Wars?”_ Jasper asked.  Maybe she was hoping finding some common ground would appease Peridot.

“I haven’t had time to see it,” Peridot said haughtily.  “I’ve been _extremely_ busy.”

“Oh.  Oh, you definitely should.  I can tell you about it if you want.  There’s this princess -”  Jasper stopped and crouched down to speak more directly to Steven.  “Hey, is there anything else about Sailor Moon?”

“Yeah, I think there’s like two hundred episodes.”

Jasper’s eyes widened.  “Two hundred?”

“And some movies.  And then there was the live action TV show.  And the stage musicals.”

She reached out as if she was going to grab his shoulders, and jerked her hands back just before they could touch the forcefield.  “Will you show me?  Please?”

“Yeah, sure!”

“No freakin’ taste,” Peridot grumbled.

 

It was strange to step outside the cell that for so many days had been her world.  She had to stoop to get through the doorway.  Steven Quartz was leading her, holding her hand - well, holding her thumb, given that her own hands were far bigger.  Garnet walked on her other side, calm and stoic.  She still gave Jasper the creeps.  How could anyone bear to stay submerged in someone else that way?  Wouldn’t it feel like being punished without end, all the time?  And apparently she _liked_ it, thought it was an expression of _love?_  Creepy-creepy-creepy.  Still, it wasn’t the time to deal with that.  She had to keep her eyes open and her head on a swivel, taking in everything she could about their base.  

They led her along a stone passage that sloped upward and came out in a strange, very warm chamber.  The walls were dark red and veined, there was some kind of seething firepit in the middle of the floor and clustered thickly under the domed ceiling were hundreds of bubbles containing Gems or shards of Gems.

“This is where you would be if Steven and I hadn’t spoken up for you,” Peridot said, glancing around with a touch of discomfort.  

“It’s where you’ll go if you show us it was a mistake to trust you,” Garnet said.  “I don’t expect that, though.”

“Why are you keeping them all here?” Jasper asked.  It seemed morbid.

“Well, all of these Gems have… they have something wrong with them.  They got messed up by the war and became monsters.  We’re keeping them safe until we find a way to help them.  I’m really hoping I find a way to help them,” Steven said earnestly.

“I didn’t know about that,” Jasper admitted.  “I knew there was heavy attrition, but not… Is it something about this place?  This planet, does it - warp things?”

“I don’t _think_ so,” he said, his bushy brows drawing together in consternation.  “Is that how it happens, Garnet?”

“We don’t think so,” Garnet said simply, “but we don’t know.”

Jasper hoped she was hiding her fear well.  Had Steven Quartz even _thought_ about this?  The things that he, that _they_ accepted as normal made her deeply uneasy.   _I have to stay myself,_ she repeated in her head.   _I have to stay Jasper.  I need to figure out what that is, what the base is that can’t change.  Like I hope Peridot has._

They led her upward, on to a large doorway that opened onto an odd wooden structure.  There was a large warp pad in front of it, old-fashioned but well maintained, but nothing else around them looked as if it had been designed by or for Gems.  This must be an indigenous dwelling.

“And this is my house!” Steven Quartz said, proving her right.  “My dad built it onto the side of the hill.  See, back there is the Crystal Gem Temple where Garnet and Amethyst and Pearl have their rooms, and there’s my mom’s room too, and we can make new rooms for you and Peridot.”

“Actually, I’m fine sharing Amethyst’s room,” Peridot said.  For some reason Garnet smiled at her when she said that and she went all blue-cheeked and shrugged herself deeper into her hoodie. 

“And out here’s the kitchen, and the bathroom, and the living room, and up there is my loft where I sleep.”  He was eagerly pointing things out to her, but something else had caught Jasper’s eye, high up on a wall and half obscured by a beam.  She stepped forward to see it better.

“That’s Rose Quartz,” she said, “isn’t it?”  It was a flat painted panel, not three-dimensional or holographic, but it was certainly recognisable.

“Yeah,” Steven Quartz said, a little wistfully.  “I think Dad painted it.”

“Actually, it was Amethyst’s friend Vidalia,” Garnet said.  “Not that Greg can’t paint, but that isn’t his style.”

“I guess not.  I never really thought about that.”

Jasper stared up at the picture.  Rose Quartz looked totally serene and contented, as if she’d never had a rebellious or violent thought in her life.  Her hair was a haze of ringlets and her eyes were peacefully closed, soft fine lashes fanned on her plump cheeks.  Everything about the picture looked soft and lush and as if you could reach out and touch, not a flat painted board, but velvety skin and silky hair, and she would open her eyes and look at only you.  Her mouth felt dry.

“She was really pretty, wasn’t she?” Steven Quartz asked her.  It was an odd question to ask when what they were looking at was essentially an earlier version of himself, but then, as he was now he couldn’t really be called pretty.  Perhaps he missed having a pretty form but didn’t know how to get it back.

“She was,” Jasper said truthfully.  “I still wish I could have known her.”  He led her out through an inconveniently small doorway just under the picture; she had to duck her head and turn her shoulders sideways to avoid scraping against the frame.  It was quite light out here, making her squint; she would have to recalibrate her sense of day and night.

She could see the sea from here, which made her uncomfortable, but there was a good broad expanse of dry sand between it and the house.  Pulled up in front of the house, below the deck they now stood on, was what she tentatively identified as a local vehicle.  Crouching next to it was a person she equally tentatively identified as a man.  Based on Peridot’s description, she thought she might be looking at the infamous Greg.  He was even less impressive than she’d thought.  He was rummaging in a toolbox.  The van was slightly elevated from the ground by a device wedged under its body, and a pair of pale, slender legs with long, narrow feet were sticking out from underneath.

“Can you raise it up a little more?” Pearl’s voice was muffled but recognisable.  “It’s just too close to my face.  I can’t look at it and fit the wrench to it at the same time.”

“I’m sorry,” Greg said - and his voice was scratchy and warbling and a pretty good fit for how he looked, really.  “This is as high as the jack goes.  Maybe we could get some bricks under it.”

“Oh!” cried Steven, hanging over the railing that edged the deck.  “I know what!  Jasper could help you!  She’s really strong, right, Jasper?”

Greg looked up at Jasper, and further up, with the appropriate look of terror and awe.  It was good to know she still had that.  She wasn’t sure what “Whoa mama” meant, but it was said in a low tone of reverence so it was probably all right.

“What?  Jasper?”  Pearl struggled out from under the vehicle.  She had black grease smeared over her hands and arms, and some on her long nose, too.  “Are you sure about this, Garnet?”

“I have a good feeling about it,” Garnet said.  “Don’t see too much going wrong.”  She stood back as Steven Quartz towed Jasper down the rickety staircase from the deck and over to the vehicle.  She’d just had a boost of confidence from Greg looking properly intimidated by her, but that was all gone with Pearl glaring at her so fiercely.  Pearl looked down at Steven Quartz, and her expression softened a little, before hardening again as she looked up at Jasper.

“Steven, please stand back.  I don’t want you to be hurt if Jasper should drop something.”

“Okay!”  He skipped back and stood by Greg.  

“All right, Jasper,” Pearl said sternly.  “I want you to lift up the van and hold it steady until I tell you to put it down.  It may take several minutes.  Do you think you can do that?”

“Of course I can,” Jasper said, stung.  She might feel shy around Pearl but she wasn’t going to have her physical strength impugned.  “Give me that thing.”  She slung one arm over the top of the vehicle, got the other hand under it, made sure her grip was secure and hoisted it up.  It wasn’t even very heavy.

“All right,” Pearl said grudgingly.  She stepped underneath and began doing something to the underside of the van that involved clanking and a few sharp, irritable intakes of breath.  “Really, Greg, I know it has sentimental value for you, but you need to think seriously about replacing this van.  I think it has more replacement parts than original ones by now.”

“Well, doesn’t that kind of mean I’ve mostly replaced it?” Greg asked with a chuckle.  “Come on, Pearl, there’s life in the old girl yet.”

“Why not get something more practical?  Like an RV that would let you have an actual bed and cabinets and things?”

“Even a small RV costs a lot more than I could get trading in this van,” Greg said sheepishly.  “I just don’t have the budget for it this year.  Can you help me keep it going for a couple more seasons?”

“Well, yes, if you drive gently and don’t make unnecessary trips, but you should try to start saving up.”

“Do you not have enough money, Dad?” Steven Quartz asked.

“Don’t worry about it, kiddo, I’ve got everything I really need.  Come on and help me set up the grill.”  They walked away hand in hand.  Pearl went on clanking.  Jasper braced the van against her hip to take some of the strain off her arms.

_“He’s_ the one Rose Quartz fell in love with?” she asked incredulously.

Pearl sighed. “I know.  Well, I’ll say this for Greg, he has a good heart.  He sincerely loved Rose, and he works hard to take good care of Steven - who quite frankly wouldn’t suffer if he didn’t get a new phone for a couple of years.  But what am I telling you this for?  I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Well, no.  But I won’t understand if no one tells me.”  She felt Pearl brush against her knee, unseen, and suppressed a shiver.

“I suppose not.  Oh, the state of this thing!  Well, this is what they get for making things out of iron.”

“How did you learn to work with machines?”

Pearl’s small, sharp face appeared from under the van and shot her a Look.  “What are you saying?”

“I’m not _saying_ anything, I was only asking.  I mean, I don’t know how to do any of that.”

“Well,” said Pearl, disappearing again and sounding very slightly mollified, “you’d be surprised what you can do when you really need to.”

“I never saw a Pearl who could do anything like that.”

“Oh, is this the part where you tell me I’m not like other Pearls and I’m supposed to be flattered?”

“No.”  Jasper thought about it.  “I’ve really only _seen_ Pearls.  I can’t say I _know_ any.  So I’m not an authority on what they’re like or not like.”

“Well, we’re not encouraged to develop ambitions other than service.”  Pearl gave a little grunt, sounding satisfied with whatever she’d done under there.  “To tell you the truth, I never thought I was capable of anything more until Rose _needed_ more - and she believed I could do it.  Rose saw possibilities no one else did.  She saw _me_ in a way no one else did.  She taught me to fight and she taught me to _learn._  No one,” and her voice quaked a little, “could ever have been more encouraging, no one could ever have believed in me enough to make me believe in myself.  There was _no one_ like Rose Quartz.”

“I wish I could have known her,” Jasper said again.  

“If you had,” Pearl said, coming out from under the van and wiping the metallic tool in her hand on an oily rag, “your life would have been very different.   _You_ would have been very different.  You can set it down now - be gentle.”

“Right.”  She placed it back on the ground without so much as a bump, not that anyone praised her for it.  The edge of the van’s underside had left a black smudge on her hip and she brushed at it with one hand.  “Ugh, what is this stuff?”

“Partly oil, partly plain dirt.  Hold still.”  Pearl wiped briskly at the stain with a cleaner-looking rag.  “And your hand.  There.  Fortunately it doesn’t stick well to us.”  She was wiping herself off too and Jasper didn’t know where to look.

“I - I’d like it if you told me more about Rose,” she said.  It was the first time she’d said the name just as a diminutive, and she thought maybe it sounded too familiar for someone who hadn’t actually known her.  “Quartz,” she added hastily, although there had probably been too long a gap between words for it to sound natural.

“I’d rather not,” said Pearl.  “Those memories are precious to me and I don’t want to share them with just anyone.”  She walked away, the ribbon around her little waist swishing behind her.

“Well, _her_ snoot’s out of joint,” said a gravelly voice low near ground level.  Jasper looked down and found the tiny Amethyst, hand in hand with Peridot.

“I was actually trying to be nice,” Jasper said, as surprised as anyone.  

“Pearl’s touchy,” Amethyst said with a shrug.  “You gotta be patient.”  She looked up at Jasper, frowning.  “Listen, I want to give you a chance because my girl Peri says you’re okay deep down.”

“But?” Jasper said wearily.

“But?”  Amethyst frowned harder.

“Isn’t there a part coming about how you’ll destroy me utterly if I put a foot out of line?”

“No.  You got the sun behind you.  It’s in my eyes.”  Amethyst put her free hand up to shade them.

“Oh.  Okay, then.”  She squatted down.

“You should come down to the beach with us,” Peridot said.  “We get to try a native delicacy called hot dogs.  Also a local dignitary called Connie is coming to meet us, and I’d like to make a good impression.  And you’re always impressive.  So.”

“Right.”  Jasper thought about it.  “Have you seen Lapis Lazuli?”

“She said she wants to stay in Pearl’s room for now,” Amethyst said.  “So don’t worry, you two don’t have to see each other.”

“Lapis is sharing a room with Pearl?”  Amethyst and Peridot were sharing a room.  Peridot couldn’t take her eyes off Amethyst.  “Is that a good idea?  Lapis is dangerous.”

“That’s okay, so’s Pearl.”

She couldn’t really argue with that, but it made her uneasy all the same.


	11. Chapter 11

Hot dogs were strange, but not unpleasant, once Peridot explained how you consumed them and demonstrated.  Jasper liked the mustard that went on them better than the dogs themselves.  It turned out you could drink it from the bottle.  This seemed to be an odd thing to like, judging by the reactions of everyone but Amethyst, who evidently approved and suggested that she eat the bottle too.  It was chewy.

The local dignitary turned out to be a small dark girl with big eyes and arms and legs as thin as sticks.  Jasper thought Peridot had been overselling her a bit.  She didn’t arrive with any retinue or bodyguards, she came on foot, and she ran up and hugged Steven Quartz without any reserve or dignity.  He brought her over to where Jasper was sitting on the sand, warily watching Lapis, who had come down from the house unexpectedly and was wading near the edge of the water, talking quietly with Pearl, who walked alongside, listening to her with grave attention.  Jasper didn’t know what they could be talking about but she didn’t like it.  If she was honest with herself, she particularly didn’t like the fact that Lapis had had Pearl’s full attention since the moment she’d arrived.  Pearl seemed anxious to please her, somehow, or perhaps to appease her.

And they were both small and elegant and delicate, Lapis was a court Gem of the high old style, and they looked perfect together, and for the first time in a very long life she wasn’t altogether thrilled to be so big.

But here was Steven Quartz, and she guessed she ought to pay attention.

“Connie,” he said, “this is Jasper, a warrior from the Gem Homeworld.  And Jasper, this is my best friend in the whole world, Connie Maheswaran.  She’s a warrior too!  But she’s also really smart and funny and good at music and book reading and bike riding and all kinds of things!  So I thought she could be a good role model for you.”

“Wow,” said Connie.  “Um.  Are you a fusion?”

“Nope!”  Steven Quartz said, before Jasper could tell her she had a lot of nerve asking a question like that.  “She’s just this big by herself!  And she’s really strong.  Remember that huge black eye I had that one time?  She did that!  Oh, but she doesn’t do that any more.  Now she likes _Sailor Moon_ and mustard.”

“That’s a good start,” said Connie doubtfully.  

“How do you fight?” Jasper asked bluntly.  “What’s your weapon?”

“I use a sword,” Connie replied, with more confidence.  “Pearl is training me.  In fact, Steven lets me use his mom’s sword.”

“Rose Quartz’s sword?”  Jasper was stunned.  A legendary weapon like that, being given to someone who wasn’t even a Gem?  Would she even be able to use it?

“Uh-huh,” said Steven Quartz.  “She’s really great with it.  We fight together, me with the shield and Connie with the sword.”

“But you weren’t there when I arrived,” Jasper said, looking to Connie.  

“No.  That was before I started training, and actually, Steven didn’t want me to know about it at first.  He was worried about putting me in danger.  Well, I’m not going to let _him_ go into danger and not try to help.”  She paused.  “This is a really weird conversation, given that you _were_ the danger at the time.  I just think you should know.  You know.  If you’d come later or I’d learned earlier, it wouldn’t have been as easy for you.”

“And you’re a human, right?  Not half and half like Steven Quartz?”  Jasper was still trying to get her head around it.  It was like… well, an Ewok with a lightsaber might be a good comparison.

“It’s just Steven,” Steven Quartz said, chuckling.  “I mean, Quartz is my _middle_ name, but you don’t have to say it all the time.”

“Don’t you want people to know you’re a Quartz?”

“It’s… not that important here?  I mean, it means a lot to _me,_ but it’s not something most people even know about, I guess.  So yeah, please just call me Steven.  You can save Quartz for really fancy occasions if you want to.”

“Every time I think I understand something here it turns out to be different,” Jasper said ruefully.  

“Well, that’s okay.  A whole alien culture is a lot to get used to,” Connie said.  She patted Jasper’s knee with one small hand.

“I feel like the Iron Giant,” Jasper admitted, “but I don’t have a dent in my head to excuse me for being confused.”

“I _love_ the Iron Giant!” Connie exclaimed.  “I mean, the movie’s so different from the book, but it got to the point where I didn’t even care because each was its own fully realised thing.  It didn’t feel like an adaptation that missed the point of the original, like _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ or _Howl’s Moving Castle.”_

“I liked _Howl’s Moving Castle,”_ Steven protested.  “I thought it was beautiful!”

“Miyazaki didn’t understand Howl’s personality _or_ Sophie’s and he cut important characters and mangled the plot.  He left out the weed-killer and made the Witch into a nice old granny!  Don’t get me started, you _know_ I can’t be calm about _Howl’s Moving Castle.”_

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Jasper said.  She had no idea what they were talking about but she was sure of that much.

“And it was a sidetrack.  Okay.  Putting that to one side.”  Connie mimed pushing a block of something off to the left.  “I think identifying with a fictional character who goes through something similar could be really helpful for you!  Well, just like the Giant identifies with Superman.  But let’s talk about it more later, I’m really hungry.”

There were plenty of people around, but Jasper felt lonely sitting there watching them.  There was no one else of her type here, none of the easy familiarity that you could drop straight into with another Jasper from anywhere in the empire.  Not a single person here matched; even the humans were different colours and shapes and sizes.  It made her brain tired.  She wanted to squash the whole situation into a wad and shove it away from her like Connie’s sidetrack.  No new ideas, no changes, no giants or princesses or staring at Pearl, who was playing a duet with Connie on two strange wooden instruments tucked under their chins.  She could play music too?  It was bordering on ridiculous.

_If she wanted to be around me I could hear music every day,_ a small traitor voice in her mind said.  She told it to sit down and shut up, but it kept muttering things about getting her hair brushed.  She couldn’t tell anyone about this.  Peridot wouldn’t understand because the completely inappropriate Gem _she’d_ fallen for had fallen for her right back.  And it was just too humiliating to be undone like this by a Pearl.

Something bopped her squarely under the chin.  She would have punched back on instinct except that there was no mistaking a head-bop from Lion.

“Oh, where have _you_ been, you big pink pile of hair?”

It put its big heavy forepaws on her shoulders and shoved her.

“What?”  That got her a headbutt square between the eyes - not a full-force one, the same kind of friendly thump another Jasper would have given her.  She fell back, laughing, but grabbed Lion’s front legs as she went and flipped the beast back over her head.  It jumped straight back on her, got a gentle jaw-hold on her arm and worried at it.

“They’re fighting!” Pearl shrieked, leaping up from the picnic blanket.  “I knew we couldn’t trust her - animals know!”

“Dude, chill,” Amethyst said through a mouthful of charcoal briquette.  “They’re playing.  That’s just wrassling.”

“Wrestling?” Peridot asked.

“Nah, wrassling is different.  It’s goofier.”

They sat and watched the rolling, grunting, laughing, growling ball of sand and pink and blonde hair, with occasional glimpses of a paw, a hand or a foot.

“Lion seems to really like her,” Steven said, surprised.  “He usually takes longer to warm up to people.”

“This may answer where he kept disappearing to during the Cluster mission,” Pearl said.  “He may have been keeping an eye on her for us.”

“He’s a good boy!” Steven said with a firm, satisfied nod.

“She looks happy,” Garnet observed.

“She’s cute when she’s happy!” Connie cried, delighted.  The others looked askance at her.  “Well, cute in a very large, burly way.”

“I have heard that Jaspers roughhouse a lot amongst themselves,” Peridot said thoughtfully, “but I never saw it before.”

“Well, I hope she doesn’t think she’s going to do it inside the house,” Pearl said, indignant.  “We wouldn’t have a stick of furniture left.”

“Probably good for her to blow off some aggression without hurting anyone,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  She was lying comfortably with her head in Peridot’s lap.  “I know I need to sometimes.”  She bolted upright.  “ _Ohmygosh I have to take her to the underground wrestling league.  This will be incredible.”_  Shapeshifting into the Purple Puma as she ran over to the playfight, she sprang into the thick of it with a cry of “Bowacunga!”  The rolling ball of sand and hair acquired a lavender streak, and a few moments later Jasper was flat on the ground, pinned by Lion lying across her shoulders and the Puma sitting on her butt and gnawing on her leg.  She was still laughing, breathlessly.

“All right!  I give.  For now, I give.”

Lion gave a snort of satisfaction and laid its head down on Jasper’s, which currently looked like it had been through a hurricane.  

“Two against one isn’t fair,” Jasper pointed out, pushing a sheaf of hair out of her eyes and spitting out some sand.

“Yeah, but you’re as big as two of us, so it evens out,” Amethyst said cheerfully, reverting to her usual small, roly-poly form and giving Jasper’s backside a friendly whack.   _“Ow._ I hurt my hand.  You’ve got an ass like a Clydesdale, girl.”  Her tone, at least, suggested that was a compliment.

_Why don’t I feel worse about getting laid out by a runt like her?_  Jasper wondered.  She thought she would have if they’d been fighting for real, but since it had just been for fun there wasn’t so much pride on the line.  She bounced her hips to see if she could throw Amethyst off that way, but she just bounced along and laughed and yelled “ASSQUAKE.”

“Amethyst, come down from there!  It’s - it’s probably unsanitary,” Pearl snapped.  She had come stamping over and stood with her arms folded over her skinny chest.

“Well sure, for _her._ I’m grimy as heck,” Amethyst said cheerfully.

“Well, it’s definitely not safe.  You don’t know the first thing about Jaspers.”

“What, is this not the right way to ride one?”  Amethyst pushed off and slithered to the ground. 

Jasper shrugged Lion off too and rolled into a sitting position, shaking sand out of her hair.

“Ew,” said Pearl, and flicked away some grains that had landed on her shoulder.  That was enough to take Jasper from feeling relaxed and cheerful to feeling unsightly and grubby and astonished and indignant to be feeling that way.

“Sorry, Fancy Pants,” Amethyst said, rolling her eyes. “If you want to rinse off, J, the hose is over by the house.”

“Not the hose,” Pearl said.  “She should have a bath like a civilised person.”

“She’d never fit in the tub.”

“You’re right.  I wonder if we could get one of those cheap above-ground swimming pools - you know, the collapsible plastic ones.”

“Would it be worth it?  How often are you planning to wash Jasper?”

“I really don’t need to be washed,” Jasper protested.  The thought of being immersed in water again made her back crawl.  Even if it wasn’t over her head, she didn’t think she could stand it.  She glanced anxiously towards the ocean.  Lapis was still paddling there.  Steven Quartz and Connie had gone over to talk to her, it seemed.  Rather them than her.  “I wipe clean.  Easy.”

“But your hair is just full of sand.  You can’t come back into the house like that, you’ll get it everywhere.”

“There’s always sand in the house,” Peridot pointed out.  She had been hanging back, looking not entirely happy about Amethyst bouncing on Jasper, but had come closer and asserted her territorial rights by linking arms with her.  “You live on a beach.”

“And I sweep out every day.  We have to at least do something about the hair.”

“You could cut it off,” Peridot suggested helpfully.

“No!” Jasper snarled, hugging an armful of her hair protectively.

“Calm down, Jasper.  No one is going to cut your hair if you don’t want us to.  A few buckets of warm water should do the trick.”

In the end it took eight buckets of warm water - four to wet her hair through thoroughly and four more to rinse it - and two bottles of shampoo.  It was a lot of hair.  Jasper had had a faint hope that Pearl might want to help her with it, but she confined her role to lugging buckets and it was Connie and Steven who decided they wanted to help, and scrubbed her head with great thoroughness and much laughter.  They combed it out and towelled it dry and combed it out again, and twisted it into two thick, puffy plaits that they fastened with elastic bands Connie had in her pockets.  

“See?” Connie said happily.  “Definitely cute.  Next time I’ll bring you the ones with strawberry bobbles on them.  Oh, and some books, at least the first few _Animorphs,_ and I’ll bring back Steven’s _Sailor Moon_ box set so you can get into that, and the first season of _Xena: Warrior Princess._  Well, I torrented that.  Don’t tell anyone.  My mom wouldn’t let me get the DVDs because she says it butchers classical mythology.  She never gets when things are tongue-in-cheek!”

 

Over the next few days, patterns and routines began to emerge.  Although Jasper was free and on the honour system, she was never out of the sight of at least one Crystal Gem, even if it was only Peridot.  If she wanted to enter the Temple, one of them had to unlock the door for her (something Peridot couldn’t yet do).  Rather than having them build her a room in the Temple proper, she’d decided that she wanted to make the rough-hewn cavern they’d imprisoned her in into something more homey.  She was allowed to keep the TV, and Amethyst helped her lug down two queen-size mattresses, slightly musty but basically all right, from her hoard.  She either stacked them to sit on or laid them side by side if she wanted to stretch out.  She had her yellow and pink blankets and a motley assortment of pillows and cushions, although she took care not to fall asleep down there.  She didn’t trust her dreams.

“It’s very Spartan,” Pearl said.  She had come down to drop off some sheets, and stood poised in the doorway frowning slightly.

“I don’t know what that means,” Jasper said.  She had said those six words so many times they were starting to blur into one.  There were patterns in the responses she got, too.  Steven would make an earnest effort to explain whatever it was, sometimes running up against the limits of his own knowledge.  Garnet’s replies tended towards the short and cryptic.  She had no idea what Lapis would say and wasn’t about to try to find out.  Amethyst would either tell you the truth or make up whatever she thought would be funny at the time, and Peridot would give long-winded explanations with an air of absolute authority on Earth life and culture which would be maybe half correct.  Pearl, on the other hand, would get a gleam in her eye and give an impassioned mini-lecture on the topic, no matter what it was, and get so excited to teach Jasper something that she would temporarily forget to dislike her.  That always felt nice.

So she sat on the stacked mattresses and listened attentively as Pearl told her all about Sparta and the Peloponnesian city-states, and went off on an extensive tangent about the Amazons and other gender-segregated societies in Earth’s history, and demonstrated the Spartan short-sword technique, and finally wound up by saying that in context, “Spartan” meant that her room looked plain and bare.

“Oh,” said Jasper.  “I thought I’d made it pretty cosy.  I don’t - I mean, I never needed to set up a room before.  I never had my own things before.  Everything was communal.”

“Oh dear,” said Pearl.  “I wasn’t thinking.  Of course it would be.”  She carefully set the folded sheets on the mattress beside Jasper.  “I forget sometimes how much my life here has changed my whole way of thinking, even though I still miss Homeworld so much.”

“But you hated Homeworld,” Jasper said, baffled.  “That’s why you rebelled, right?”

“No, no, no.  Never _Homeworld._ I hated what the Diamond Authority was _doing._  I know we tend to think of the Authority and Home as one and the same, but they’re two different things.  I miss the place I came from and the Gems I knew there.  I miss being with other Pearls sometimes.  I’ve never regretted the choice I made to side with Rose Quartz, and I’ve gained so much and lived a much broader, richer life than I would have at Home… but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a sacrifice.”

“I never realised it was so complicated.”

“That’s something I’ve noticed about you,” Pearl said thoughtfully.  “It’s not a criticism.  You’re just very straightforward.  You tend to see things in simple terms.”

“You must think I’m not all that smart.”  Even if Pearl was going to call her outright dumb, Jasper wanted to keep her talking.  

“No, actually, I think anyone who shows as much curiosity as you must be quite intelligent.”  Pearl nodded towards the stack of books, tapes and DVDs beside the bed.  “You should remember that you’re capable of more than what you were made for, too.”

“Can I ask you something?  Like a personal question?”

Pearl stiffened up a little.  “You can ask, and I’ll see if I’m willing to answer.”

“You like to do lots of non-Pearly things.  I mean, not traditional Pearly things.  You fight and you fix things and it seems like you’ve learned everything that’s ever happened on this planet.”

“Yes.”

“And I can see that you’re good at those things.  I won’t argue about that, and I’m sorry I called you defective the first time I saw you trying to fight me.  I got that wrong.”

“You only knew what you’d been taught,” Pearl said, which wasn’t quite accepting the apology but seemed to approach it.  “Where’s your question?”

“Did you ever like _any_ of the traditional Pearl things?  Or do you still like any of them?”

“I like some of them,” Pearl said cautiously.  “I get a lot of satisfaction from keeping things tidy and nice.  I like to be helpful.  I’ve always loved dancing, of course.  And… yes, I like to take care of people.  I like to feel needed.  But I would never want to go back to being taken for granted and treated like a thing.  Oh, a useful, pretty thing, but only a thing.”

“Okay, I see.”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just trying to understand.  Peridot gets on my case about it a lot.”

“Well, there’s no one so zealous as a recent convert,” Pearl said, sounding amused.  To Jasper’s total astonishment, she sat down beside her.  The mattress hardly dipped, she was so light.  She crossed her legs and laced her hands around her knee.  “And how about you?  How do you feel about traditional Jasper activities?”

“I still want to know I’m doing something that matters.  I still want to fight.  I want to have a leader I believe in, but now I don’t know who.”  She’d had a lot of long talks with Peridot about Yellow Diamond.  The more she thought back, the more she noticed things in the past that, on second thought, might have been kind of messed up.  She hated having her memories made uncomfortable like that.  “You know they call us Jaspers the most loyal.  I feel like the least loyal.  I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I still know I can’t  - not  - do it and live with myself.  Does that make any sense?”

“There’s an interesting book called _The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,”_ Pearl said slowly.  “I wouldn’t recommend it to you now; you need to learn more about the historical and cultural context before it will make any sense to you.  But to summarise, it’s about a wayward young boy who runs away from his abusive father, teams up with a runaway slave called Jim and goes on a meandering adventure down the Mississippi River.  A slave is a human who’s owned by another human, and has no rights of his or her own.  That mostly doesn’t happen any more, but there are still places with situations like that.  It’s something they have to solve for themselves.  Huckleberry is a free human, and according to the laws and beliefs of that time and place, it’s his duty to turn Jim in to the authorities so he can be punished for running away.  He’s been taught that if he disobeys, after his physical form dies, his consciousness will suffer eternally in a dimension of pain called Hell.  He’s afraid and ashamed, but he loves Jim, and even though he believes he’s doing wrong, he doesn’t want to see his friend enslaved again.  Finally he decides, ‘All right then, I’ll _go_ to Hell,’ and he feels tremendous relief.”

“Is that true about Hell?” Jasper asked, horrified.

“No, no, that’s the point.  It’s an ignorant superstition and the society Huckleberry has grown up in has corrupt values.  He’s actually made the right choice.  That’s why he feels better.  When Rose and I read that book, there were parts of it that appalled us, but that passage, that passage rang true, so much so that it made us both cry.  That was long, long after the rebellion, but sometimes old feelings can come up again and feel very fresh.  Well, it meant a lot to me.  I hope it’s some use to you.”  She cleared her throat, putting the subject behind them.  “And are there non-Jaspery things you’d like to try?”

“I don’t know.  Books are good.  Talking them over with Connie.  I like watching TV.  Spicy food.  Princesses, explosions, loud music, doing stuff with my hair.”

“Well, your hair looks very nice, so that’s worth doing.”

Today it was in two braids wrapped around her head, like Princess Leia on Hoth, although the effect on Jasper was pouffier.  She’d been embarrassed at first to put something on herself that really belonged to a Diamond, but she’d wanted to see how it would look, and if Pearl thought it looked _nice,_ it was _well_ worth doing.  Her face felt hot and she felt simultaneously too big and too small.  She managed to force out a mumbled, “Thank you.”

“One of your hairpins is slipping out, just here.  May I?”  Pearl reached up and tucked the pin back in above Jasper’s ear, then drew her hand back quickly.  “You’re shivering.  Jasper, are you _afraid_ of me?”

“Not like that!  No, of course not!  I mean, I don’t want to piss you off.  But not afraid.  Come on, that would be ridiculous.”

“Well, I think you’re afraid of Lapis.”

“I’m not _afraid_ of Lapis,” Jasper grumbled.  “Look.  I don’t blame her any more, okay?  I was being a jerk and pushing her into something she didn’t want to do.  She tricked me and she had to be brave and smart to do that.  We made a horrible fusion and I bet she hated being stuck with me as much as I hated being stuck with her.  I’m not afraid of _Lapis_ but if I have to be anywhere near her I feel like I’m trapped as Malachite at the bottom of the sea again.  I’m afraid of _that.”_

“Oh.  Well, I think I can understand that.”

“Bet she still hates me.”

“She’s still very angry at you.  I don’t know if it’s really hate.”

“How is she with you?”

“Well, she’s angry with me too.  Lapis has a lot of anger stored up.  We’ve managed to find some common ground, though, certain things that we can comfortably talk about. I’ve apologised to her, on behalf of all of us, and I think she did accept it when I told her that we didn’t know she was alive and conscious in the mirror.  It doesn’t undo how much she suffered being trapped there, but it’s not as galling as thinking we knew and didn’t care.  It’s very difficult because - well, I’ll tell you something else about myself.”  Her voice dropped to a more confidential tone.  “I tend to be a ‘people-pleaser.’”  She made quote marks in the air with her long pale fingers.  “I get very upset if something goes wrong and I can’t make it right immediately.  It’s been explained to me that if I react by doubling my efforts to make everything nice again, it’s actually very off-putting, as if I’m saying, ‘Hurry up and stop feeling your feelings.’  I’m trying to just be patient with the fact that Lapis is upset with me, and I _have_ apologised, and she still needs time to feel better.  And if that makes me feel too frantic I go and talk to Garnet or Amethyst about it and they give me some sympathy and encouragement.”

“What are the things you can talk about with Lapis?”  Jasper asked.  She was surprised Pearl would tell her about such a weak point and didn’t want to draw attention to it in case it made her clam up.  Besides, she really did wonder.  She knew Lapis too well for comfort and couldn’t think of a thing to talk about with her.

“Well, aesthetic things,” Pearl said vaguely.  “We have similar taste.  And there’s Steven, we can always talk about him.  The one time I see her really relaxed and happy is when she’s with him.  He’s such a sweet boy.”

“Yeah.  He’s good.”  Jasper gave a small smile.  She had been surprised at how quickly Steven had grown on her, even if he continued to be nothing she expected.  “He reminds me of Luke.”

“Who’s Luke?  Does he live in town?  Jasper, we’ve _said_ that you shouldn’t go into town.  These are small, fragile people and they’re likely to panic if they see you.”

“Luke _Skywalker_ is a character in a _movie_.  I’m not going into your precious human town.  There wouldn’t be anything I’d want there anyway.  Anyway, Steven is like Luke because he doesn’t look like anything much, but he’s got power he’s learning how to use and a really good heart.  The only way the evil Emperor could ever get any leverage on Luke was by threatening his friends.  Nothing else would make Luke angry enough to even wobble towards the Dark Side, he was so sweet.  That’s like Steven Quartz.”

Pearl looked surprised but pleased.  “Oh.  Yes, it is.  And I do know who you mean now that you say Luke _Skywalker._  I saw those films years ago.  Greg and Amethyst got very excited about some sort of new edition - I don’t know how it works.  My favourite character was - who’s the one with the beard?  The wise, sad old knight who teaches Luke?”

“Obi-Wan Kenobi.  Or Ben Kenobi, he’s called that too.”

“Yes,” said Pearl.  And the conversation seemed to die there.  They were both smiling.  They were both actually feeling comfortable in one another’s company.  For the life of her Jasper couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Well,” Pearl said, and patted her on the knee, and got up.  “I’ll see if I can find some little things to make it more aesthetic in here, as it were, and less Spartan.”

She left, and Jasper flopped back on her mattress with a gusty sigh of astonishment and relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the mental image of the assquake.


	12. Chapter 12

Jasper’s resolution not to sleep in her room held about as well as any resolution she made.  She faded out while watching _A New Hope_ for the fourth time and had a nightmare.  She was in chains at the bottom of the sea, in the smothering darkness, without even Lapis to fight against.  The feeling of complete and total bodily helplessness horrified her beyond words or screams.  Her eyes and mouth were plugged by thick dark water.  No one was going to look for her or come to help her.  The whole mass of the ocean was crushing her, crushing until it would pulverise her to sand, and she would be conscious for all of it, and it would never, ever end.  

She woke up stiff and trembling and gasping, and was immediately irritated to find that Lion was sleeping draped across her neck and chest, which seemed to take the symbolic weight out of the dream of being crushed.  Having something to be irritated about helped take the edge off the fear.  “That was horrible and stupid,” she said aloud, hoarsely, “but it wasn’t real.  It was just my dumb jerk mind taking something out on me.  When I find out what I’ll kick its ass.”  Saying it out loud helped too.  She shoved Lion off, not too roughly, just onto the other side of the mattress. It got all offended anyway and went off in a huff.  Jasper sat up and pushed her hands through her hair until it stuck out in spikes and groaned.

The trouble was, it was night and Steven slept at night.  To let him sleep, the others generally stayed in their rooms overnight, although Garnet often went out via warp pad to keep an eye on the world.  There was no one to talk to.  She supposed she could have called on Amethyst and Peridot.  She liked spending time with them, but the problem was that in the privacy of their room they tended to get very affectionate with each other and she tended to get embarrassed.  The other night they’d invited her over to play a video game - which she couldn’t do at first because the controller was too small for her hands, until Peridot had rigged something up from a sort of electronic rug for dancing on that she could slap - and she’d ended up playing about ten levels by herself while pretending she couldn’t see or hear them practically making out at the other end of the couch.  She’d finally pretended to get mad at the game to make an excuse for leaving, which wasn’t completely fake - the princess was _always_ in another castle.

She couldn’t even go outside to look at the stars because she couldn’t open the Temple door.  Once she was in, she was in for the night.  This was clearly part of her probation, not that she could prove much without having the _option_ of sneaking out and laying waste to Beach City or something.

She rolled onto her front and rummaged through the pile of books Connie had brought over.   _Animorphs_ books were small and papery and flimsy, so she had to hold them carefully.  It had taken her a humiliatingly long time to get through the first one because she just wasn’t used to reading for such a stretch.  There were chapters and chapters and she tended to lose her place on the page.  Sharp-eyed Connie had noticed that and discreetly showed her a useful trick of sliding a sideways bookmark down the page a line at a time, just under the line you were reading.  That helped, but she still had to concentrate fiercely and probably looked like she was mad at the book too.  She would have given up if she hadn’t been curious about what would happen, and when they discovered Tobias was stuck being a hawk she’d realised she was hooked.  She was half way through number four now and wanted to finish it before Connie came over again so they could discuss it.

It had occurred to her that if someone had told her a year ago that she would be doing this, she wouldn’t even have been able to understand what they meant, let alone believe it.

 

The day dawned bright and hot and fine, not that you could tell in a cave, and Amethyst woke her up from a dreamless doze by bouncing on her stomach and yelling that it was training time.

“Training,” with Amethyst, meant going out to a quiet part of the sand dunes and helping teach Peridot to dance so that they could get better at forming Tourmaline, and then discover exactly what Tourmaline could do, mostly by means of reacting to Jasper helmeting up and trying on a friendly basis to kick her ass.  Either that or shapeshifting practice, because after at least an hour’s brainstorming and asking an increasingly impatient Pearl for synonyms, they’d decided Jasper was going to fight as the Tangerine Tiger and had to develop a temporary form to suit.

The hard part was making herself smaller.  “But you gotta,” Amethyst had pointed out, because while wrestlers were supposed to be big they weren’t supposed to be twice their opponents’ height.  Then the even harder part was learning to stay in that form _and_ dial down every single thing she did so as not to kill some poor fool and spoil everyone’s fun.  Amethyst would play human for her while they practised, yelling out “Foul! Tore my leg off!” or “No fair fracturing my skull!”  Once she had secretly preloaded with a family-size can of tomato soup to fake throwing up blood.  They had all come trudging back cheerfully encrusted in soup and sand and Pearl had banished them from the house and sent them down to Greg’s car wash to be scrubbed off.

That had been Jasper’s first venture into Beach City.  She felt incredibly conspicuous the whole time, but staying Tiger-sized seemed to mean she mostly blended in.  Greg had laughed till his eyes watered but had then been quite helpful, since it turned out he was running a small dog-grooming operation on the side and had a vast drum of shampoo.  She still didn’t have the remotest idea what a superb being like Rose Quartz had seen in him, but Amethyst was clearly fond of him and Peridot was learning to talk to him rather than just about or around him, so she made the effort to be civil.  He still seemed shy and awed around her; at least someone did.

When both Tourmaline and Jasper had worn themselves out and discarded their bolas and helmet, they lay and watched the sky and named shapes in the clouds.  Being around Tourmaline felt weird, but it was a tolerable sort of weirdness.  Her personality was coalescing more; at first she had shifted between traits of Peridot’s and trait’s of Amethyst’s, and her voice was still a lot like Amethyst’s, but now traits that were just her own were coming up.  Tourmaline loved to run, and she wanted to build things, and she could focus her vision at a great distance like a telescope.  She was a _happy_ fusion who seemed to enjoy every second she existed.

“That one’s a bunny rabbit,” Jasper said, pointing skyward.

“It has three ears,” Tourmaline objected.  “It’s some kind of mutant bunny rabbit.”

“It’s special.  Tourmaline?”

“Yeup?”

“Do you know what’s going on when you’re not fused?”

“Kind of?  It’s like a dream.  I guess when I’m not fused it’s a bit like I’m sleeping.”

“Oh.”  She’d really been hoping for a flat no.  She didn’t like to think of Malachite still existing in some way and able to be in the world again.

“You getting fusion-curious?”

“Crap, no.”  She shuddered.  “If I never have to fuse again it’ll be too soon.”

“You still think it’s a cheap tactic?”

“Cheap’s not the right word.  You’ve got to remember - and I know you know this from Peridot - back Home fusion doesn’t mean making a new kind of Gem.  It’s like, three Jaspers make one hell of a big Jasper.  You’re still yourself and you don’t _feel_ the other ones.  We were trained to do it for an emergency, but that would be a complete and total last-ditch effort.  None of us liked to do it because who wanted to admit she wasn’t strong enough to handle anything on her own?”

“It’s funny, because this is the only kind of fusion I’ve ever known.  First hand, I mean.”  Tourmaline pointed.  “That one’s a hippo.  You know it doesn’t have to be bad like Malachite, right?  If you were fusing with someone you trusted and you both really wanted to, you’d probably make someone awesome like me.”

“I know.  I can see that.  I just don’t want to yet.”

“That’s cool.  Maybe you won’t ever want to and you won’t miss it, but I just wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea because you had a really bad experience.”  She pointed again.  “Monster truck.”

“I _was_ a really bad experience.”  Jasper laced her hands behind her head.  “It’s not just that I don’t want to go through that again.  I don’t want to put someone else through it and make them hate me.  I’ve got enough people hate me as it is.”

“Lapis is only one person.”

“Excuse me, Pearl and Garnet.”

“Why do you think they _hate_ you?”

“Well, they put up with me because Steven and Peridot wanted to give me a chance.  Why should they like me?  Look what I did to them, especially Garnet.”

“I dunno,” Tourmaline said, looking troubled.  “I just think Garnet’s over that.  And you don’t seriously think _Pearl_ hates you, do you?”

“Pearl threatened to kill me if I ever hurt Steven again!  I don’t _want_ her to hate me.  I try to get along with her  and I think I’m getting somewhere.  I just feel like… like I could mess up any time and lose any good opinion she’d started to have about me.”

Tourmaline rolled onto one elbow.  “Dude.  Do you know what Pearl’s doing today?”

“No.”

“She’s building a you-size outside shower off the side of the house so you can get cleaned up without having to go through a car wash.  She got Greg to drive her out to Home Depot to get the plumbing stuff special.  She’s sewn like eight shower curtains together.   _Humming a little tune._  If she _hated_ you she’d tell you to go jump in the ocean.”

“Seriously?  She didn’t say anything to me.”

“She probably wants it to be a surprise, so act surprised or I’ll have to rough you up.  Again.”

“Well, she just doesn’t want me tracking crud into her house.”   _Play it cool,_ she told herself sternly.   _This is nothing to get all flustered and flattered about.  This is very practical._

“True, you are a crud magnet.  That’s why _I_ like you.”  Tourmaline grabbed her in all four arms and blew a deafening raspberry against her cheek.

“Get off me, you animal.”  It was kind of nice, though - and no point in fighting it when Tourmaline was twice her size.

 

They stayed out for most of the day to give Pearl a chance to finish her project.  Occasionally Tourmaline would stick her head up to spy out the house, but refused to give progress reports beyond, “Not done yet.”  Instead she decided she was going to make a sandcastle big enough for Steven to get inside of, and Jasper agreed to help on condition that she was not required to go closer than three metres to the water’s edge.

“You _really_ don’t like the ocean, do you?” Tourmaline asked.

“Think real hard about why that might be,” Jasper grunted, packing sand together for the foundation.

“No, I get it.  Just kind of a shame when you live by the beach.”

“I’ll get over it when I feel like it.  I’ve still got a hundred and eighty-five episodes of _Sailor Moon_ to watch.  I’ve got my priorities.”

 

It was an impressive castle when it was done, in a primitive hill fort kind of way, but it still didn’t take all day and Steven was at a movie with Connie anyway.  Tourmaline defused so Amethyst and Peridot could prove that a Steven-sized person could indeed crawl through the tunnel in the curtain wall and stand up inside the keep, but that was about all they could do.  Besides, they had built it too far down the beach and the tide was coming in.  Rather than stick around and watch it collapse, Amethyst suggested that they go see Vidalia.

“Who’s Vidalia?” Jasper asked.

“An old friend of Amethyst’s,” Peridot said quickly, as if to forestall any other answer.  Amethyst gave her a look that was half amused, half puzzled.

“Yeah,” she said, “in fact, my first friend who I went out and found on my own.  I mean, Greg came to _us_ ‘cause he was hardcore in love with Rose, and I really latched onto him back then.  He was my hair role model, what can I say.  So I’d follow him around and he’d put up with it ‘cause you _do_ put up with your bodacious new girlfriend’s weird little sister-friend-kid thing, and when he was setting up for one of his little beach gigs and I was helping him lug gear, this cool punky girl came along and asked where the hell Marty was and why he hadn’t called her back - Marty was Greg’s wet fart of a manager - and Greg didn’t know but I followed _her_ and we got talking and yeah.  Soon we were best friends.”

_“Greg_ was your hair role model?” Jasper repeated.

“It’s not his fault.  He used to have _awesome_ hair like yours.  I mean, still just brown but tons of it and he’d fling it around when he sang and it was cool.  So I’d hang out with him and Rose and Vidalia, and sometimes Marty’d show up again and then disappear again after he pissed someone off, until finally at a New Year party he said something really gross about Rose - I never really heard what and no one would repeat it to me - and Garnet had to stop Greg breaking a Stratocaster over his head and V said that was the last straw and she never wanted to see him again, and I turned into a Dobermann and chased him outta town.  ‘Course by that time V was like seven months gone with Sour Cream, so that was a mess, but she said it had been coming for a while and they were probably better off without him.  Tell me if you’re not following any of this.”

“I understood the part where Greg had cool hair and sang,” Jasper said hopefully.

“Isn’t Sour Cream something you put on chips or baked potatoes?” Peridot looked lost.

“Nah, Sour Cream’s her kid.  Her older kid, anyway.  Come on, it’ll make more sense when you meet her.  Jazz, you’d better tiger up or you won’t get inside her house.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything a Goddamn Ordeal in Area Friend Group

Tigering up, or rather tigering down, wasn’t that simple.  Jasper changed successfully, but then Amethyst said she hadn’t meant the whole Tangerine Tiger costume with mask and handlebar moustache.  

“Just you, but Tiger-size.”

“I can’t do that,” Jasper said, changing back in surprise.

“Sure you can, it’s actually simpler.”

“But I mean - no, look.  It’s one thing making myself look smaller with a disguise on.  That’s not exactly _me._  I can’t make the real _me_ look smaller.  It would be…”  She was stuck for any way to explain something so obvious.  To say she’d be letting herself down didn’t really cover it, and she was getting kind of a dirty look for what she’d said already.

“What?  Degrading?” Amethyst asked, folding her arms.  “Don’t you give me that baloney too.”

“Ahem,” Peridot said.  “If I might offer a third perspective?”

“Don’t try to say we’re both right in a way, because that’ll tick me off worse.”

“No, not at all.  I just want to say that, well, being your size is normal for you.  You didn’t grow up knowing what the standard size for an Amethyst was or that size is worth.  On the other hand, Jasper has spent her entire existence being told that big is good and she’s good because she’s big.  That type of thing sinks in and takes time to process out.  I still think that way all the time, I’ve just learned not to say it so much.  And I’m _small.”_  She turned to look up at Jasper.  “What _you_ have to bear in mind is that nobody here even _knows._ All right, you and I know, but remember, we’re defectors and deviants, so we don’t count.  And no one’s asking you to change forever.  This is a temporary measure for convenience.  It won’t matter at all.”

Jasper felt trapped.  However reasonable or kind Peridot tried to be about it - and it was so totally _Peridot_ that at the same time she was being genuinely kind and reasonable, she was visibly puffing up about how kind and reasonable she was being - it _was_ degrading, and demeaning, and humiliating, and icky and gross.  She didn’t want people to see her all shrunk down and think that was what she _looked like,_ even if they were little meat people who didn’t have a clue what they were looking at.  It would be like she wasn’t a Jasper at all, and if she wasn’t a Jasper, what was she?

“Can we have a compromise?” she asked.  “If I’m smaller, but not Tiger, but not me?”  Maybe she could disguise herself as Sailor Venus or something.

“Nope,” said Amethyst, glowering.  “Cause if you do that you’re a wuss.”  That stung.

“If we’re going to meet your cool friend, don’t you want me to look my best?” she bargained.

“I want you to fit inside her house more.”

“What’ll you do to make it worth my while?”

“Ugh!  I don’t know, what do you want?”

Jasper paused to think.  There were a lot of things she wanted, most of which weren’t in Amethyst’s power to provide.  She kind of wanted to ask her to say nice things about her to Pearl, but that could backfire pretty badly, besides making her look desperate.

The guilty but cunning thought occurred to her that if she named a price and acted like it was a big deal to her, she had an excuse for caving in this one time without setting a dangerous precedent.  What did Amethyst have that she liked?

“All your fire salt and your stuffed alligator.”

“Not Genevieve!  The fire salt and the big cardboard Darth Vader I stole from the movies.”

“Ha!  That’s better than the alligator.  Deal.”  She spat on her hand and held it out.  Very formally, Amethyst spat on her own and they shook.

“Ew,” said Peridot.

“No take-backs,” Jasper said sternly, wiping her hand on the leg of her pants.  

“On my honour, what’s left of it.”

“I’m doing this _once,_ for fire salt.”  She closed her eyes and concentrated.  Amethyst changed her shape like it was nothing, but Jasper had to think her way through it with some care, especially when she wasn’t keen on the outcome.  Finally she’d got it to the point where she was just about two metres tall, and that would have to be good enough.  She opened her eyes and gave Amethyst a challenging look, and flipped her hair back over her shoulder for good measure.

“Fine!  Great!  You look bangin’.  Let’s go already.”  Amethyst stomped off, Peridot scurrying after her but turning back to offer Jasper two thumbs up and an encouraging grin.

They walked through sand dunes and suburban streets to reach a human dwelling-house.  Jasper didn’t know their architecture well enough to judge whether it would be considered big or small, fancy or basic.  It looked a lot like the ones around it to her, box-shaped with a ridged roof and rectangular doors and windows.  One large doorway, wider than it was high, had no actual door to it but was covered by a hanging sheet of something like both canvas and plastic, and from behind this came music and a singing voice.

“And I can’t wait till tomorrow, and I can’t wait another day, and I can’t wait till tomorrow, tomorrow she goes away,” whoever it was sang.

“Is that Vidalia?” Peridot asked.

“No, that’s Joey Ramone.  Don’t mind him, he’s dead.”  Amethyst cupped her hands around her mouth and called out, “Yo Vidalia!  What’s shakin’?”  There was no reply, so she drew a deep breath and bawled, “HEY VIDALIA!”  After a moment the music grew quieter, one side of the hanging sheet was jerked aside, and a head popped out.  Vidalia looked annoyed to be interrupted, but her face lit up when she saw Amethyst, and she hurried out to hug her, lifting her off her feet.

“Hey, you came back!” she exclaimed.

“I said I wasn’t gonna be a stranger,” Amethyst said, being bounced.  “Plus I wanted you to meet some people!”

“Good, I prefer meeting new people when I’m covered in paint,” Vidalia said cheerfully.  She really was streaked and smudged all over with it, and transferring a lot to Amethyst.

“Me again?” Amethyst asked as she hopped down.

“Actually, this time it’s Sour Cream’s little friend Jenny.  He commissioned me to paint a portrait for her birthday - from photos, so it’s a surprise.  It wasn’t hard finding references.  That girl is the Selfie Queen.  I thought it’d be fun to show her as an artist painting a self-portrait.  I want to show you, but come on, who are your friends?”

“High, wide and handsome is Jasper, and this little cutie is Peridot,” Amethyst said, wrapping one arm around Peridot’s shoulders.  “They’re new in town and I want them to meet the best people, you know how it is.”

“Oh yeah.  You don’t want them getting in with the wrong crowd.  Jasper, Peridot, glad to meet you.”  She gave them each a friendly nod.

“Likewise, I’m sure,” said Peridot.

“Hi,” said Jasper, which probably lacked some social grace but should be adequate.  Vidalia didn’t look impressed or intimidated one bit, which reinforced her discomfort at appearing so stunted.  On the other hand, Vidalia didn’t seem like someone who would be intimidated by much at all.  She had a strong personality, that was immediately apparent, but also a very relaxed one.  She turned and led the way into her dwelling.  Jasper had to stoop to get under the sheet but Amethyst and Peridot could walk right in under Vidalia’s arm as she held it up for them.

“Welcome to the studio,” Vidalia said.  There was a strong chemical smell in here, which was what first got Jasper’s attention, but right after that was the effect of a wall of purple.  Pictures of Amethyst were everywhere, hanging on the walls and propped against them willy-nilly.  A memory clicked into place; Vidalia was the name of the friend who had painted Rose Quartz’s portrait so beautifully.  From the looks of it, it was surprising anyone had got her to stop painting Amethyst long enough to bother.  The only piece in the room that didn’t have Amethyst painted, drawn, printed or stencilled on it was a large panel on a stand which looked only partially done.  It showed a brown-skinned young woman working at a similar panel and stand on a picture of herself, which looked like the ones Steven and Connie had shown her on their little phone gadgets, inoperable with hands as big as hers.  She could just about push the VCR’s large buttons if she was careful.  Peridot had found her a poking stick for controls that were smaller.

“There’s like twenty new pictures of me,” Amethyst exclaimed.

“Seeing you again inspired me.  You know, revisiting old themes from a new perspective.  I think I’ve done some of my best work that way.  You see that one?  That’s actually _sold._  I’m holding onto it till the buyer gets back from a trip overseas.  You’re gonna be hanging on a wall in Charm City, how about that?”

“Wild,” said Amethyst.

“Why are you _naked?”_ Peridot asked, wrinkling her nose.  

“It’s artistic licence.  Anyway, my hair’s mainly covering the fun parts.”

“I was doing kind of a Botticelli thing,” Vidalia explained, not very informatively.  “It’s frustrating when you want to show your own style, but people like stuff they recognise.  Remember when Greg tried a set of covers and people actually started showing up to his shows?  He got so down about it.  ‘People don’t want to hear Mr Universe, they want to hear Huey Lewis and the News!’  Poor guy.  Still, a summer of covers paid for the deposit on the car wash.”

“Is Nudie Me gonna pay for anything?”

“Nudie You is going to replace a decrepit washing machine, and not a moment too soon.  I actually had to do a couple loads in the bath.  At least Onion enjoyed stomping around on the laundry like he was treading grapes.”  Vidalia shrugged off the thought.  “Anyway, I was about ready to take a break from Jenny.  Let me finish cleaning my brushes and I’ll see what I can throw together for hospitality.”

The hospitality took the form of cups of tea and muffins for which Vidalia disavowed responsibility.

“Yellowtail just went back out to sea yesterday, and he always bakes before he goes,” she explained.  “It’s so hard to get food into Onion sometimes, but he loves his dad’s Plain Jane muffins.  Won’t eat them if anyone else makes them, he says they taste different.  So we’ve got a freezer full of Plain Janes just for Onion, and banana-walnut muffins for the rest of us.  Eat up.”  She settled back on the couch; Amethyst took the middle cushion and Peridot the far end, while Jasper sat cross-legged on the carpet.  “So you look a lot happier.  Garnet and Pearl make up?”

“Oh yeah, thank goodness.  Man, that’s a while ago now!  So much has happened.  Well, look at these two.  My whaddayoucallits.  Protegées!  Can you believe _I’m_ a role model?”

“You’re not _my_ role model,” Peridot said.  

“Oh, what am I then?”

“Isn’t the usual term girlfriend?” 

Amethyst’s face went royal purple, but she grinned and leaned over and hugged Peridot round the neck.  “Yeah, okay, if you want.”

“No offence, but you’re not my role model either,” Jasper said.

“Aww, Jasper!  I didn’t know you cared.”

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it!” she protested.  “Peridot, stop laughing!”  She wanted to tell Vidalia to stop laughing too; she just didn’t know her well enough yet.  And that was a strange way to be thinking, because why in the world should there be anyone she couldn’t just tell to shut up if she felt like it?  Especially a little indigenous life form who smelled of turpentine.

“You are too cute when you’re embarrassed,” Amethyst said, wiping away a tear and snorting.

“I’m not embarrassed _or_ cute!”

“It’s okay, Jasper, we know you like Pearl,” Peridot said in her I Am Being Kind and Reasonable voice.

“I do _not!”_

“Psch,” Amethyst said.  “Yeah, _right.”_

“How do you even _know_ that?”

“Because we’re your friends, duh.”

“Oh.”  Jasper looked into her teacup, which looked too large in her currently too-small hands, and hoped that when she blushed she didn’t look as strange as Amethyst did.  “I didn’t know we were friends.”

“What’d you think, we were just putting up with you?”

“Well, aren’t I kind of your job?  I assumed you’d been assigned to monitor me, like a handler.  You and Peridot do it together because you can form Tourmaline and she’s big enough to stop me if I tried to escape or do some damage.  Isn’t that why you’ve spent so much time with me?”  She had a bad feeling even as she said it.  Amethyst looked insulted, but hurt too.

“Damn, Jasper, that’s really cold.  You think I’ve just been _faking_ liking you to keep you under control?”

“But - no, but I mean I’m happy to find out you weren’t.  Being friends is much better.”

“You really thought that’s the kind of person I am?”  Amethyst got to her feet, her hands clenching.

“But, um… we _are_ monitoring Jasper, aren’t we?” Peridot asked.  “Informally, I mean.  Keeping an eye on her, helping her adapt… but also, you know, if anything went wrong… come on, don’t look at me like I’m saying something horrible.  At one point you guys kept me tied to a fencepost!”

“Because you were being a little sh- because you were being totally _difficult_ and we really couldn’t trust you then!  Everything’s different _now._ At least between me and _you_ guys.  Right?”

“Has some _really_ intense stuff been going on up at the Temple?” Vidalia asked.

“You have no idea,” said Peridot.  “I mean, I don’t know you very well, but I feel confident in saying you have literally absolutely _no_ idea.”

“I’m really confused,” Jasper admitted.  “You seem really mad at me.  Do you not want to be friends after all?”

_“OHMYFLIPPINGHECK HOMEWORLD GEMS ARE BANANAS!”_ Amethyst shrieked, raising her hands to the ceiling in claws of frustration.

“So… you _don’t_ want to be friends.”

“Of course I want to be friends, you big - big _orange!”_

“But why are you so _mad_ at me?”

There was a piercing whistle.  Vidalia held her hands up in the shape of a T.  “Time out,” she said.  “Can we just clarify something here?  Does everyone here like each other?”

“Yes!” Amethyst and Jasper snapped, and “Yes,” Peridot sighed.

“But, because of whatever the heck kind of space rock drama you’ve got going on, Jasper didn’t think you trusted her, Am.  So even if you liked her and you were nice to her, you weren’t really friends.  And _you’re_ upset and pissed off because you had no idea she saw it that way and you feel like she doesn’t trust _you._  Am I getting this right so far?”

“Yes,” Amethyst mumbled, hanging her head sulkily.

“And Peridot, are you kind of caught in the middle here?”

“Yes.  I used to be in Jasper’s position.  Now it’s like I’ve moved up one level in being accepted and trusted, but of course I’m not on the same level as the rest of you.”

“Of course you _are_ and there aren’t even _levels!_ Why do you have to _think_ like that?”

“I already explained that!  I’ve always thought that way, and everyone I’ve ever known has always thought that way, and I’ve just learned to question it and not to say it out loud all the time because it upsets people!”

“Ugh!” Amethyst said again, and threw herself face down on the couch.

“Amethyst,” Vidalia said softly, touching her shoulder.  “You seem so upset by this.  Can you tell me why?”

“Because I’m not on the same level as Garnet and Pearl and I never was and I never will be,” Amethyst said, her voice muffled and tearful.  “And everyone acts like that’s not even _there._  And with Peri and Jasper around I felt like we had a level of our own and we were all together.  And I was being stupid.”

“That doesn’t make _any_ sense,” Peridot said.  “Are you saying there are levels or there aren’t?”

“Sweetie,” Vidalia said, still lightly rubbing Amethyst’s shoulder, “I really think that level is only there because you believe it’s there.  I think maybe if you told Garnet and Pearl you feel that way, they’d be as shocked and upset as you were just now, and they’d show it in their own ways.  Maybe not yelling and calling people big oranges, but yeah.”

Amethyst sniffed loudly and wetly, but didn’t say anything.  Peridot, looking first to Vidalia’s hand as if checking how it was done, reached over and rubbed her other shoulder.  “You’re my favourite person,” she said.  “I’d be thrilled to share a level with you.  We can make our own level if you want to.”

“Excuse me,” Jasper said to Vidalia, getting to her feet.  She leaned over the coffee table, picked Amethyst and Peridot up as a unit, and hugged them both to her chest.  They all just held together for a long, quiet moment.  “There,” she said.  “Level.”

“I am a _really_ good mom,” Vidalia said, nodding her head slowly.  “Okay.  Is everyone feeling a little better?  You gonna be okay, Amethyst?”

“‘es,” Amethyst said, with her nose smushed into Jasper’s shoulder.

“Good.  I’m going to make some more tea, and we can all just relax a little.  And discuss the fact that Jasper likes Pearl, which is obviously the really juicy topic here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted there to be a point when Jasper said, "Good tea. Nice house," like Worf but I couldn't find the right place for it.
> 
> Also, it sounds like the Tangerine Tiger looks a lot like [the Golden Gato.](http://thegembeaststemple.tumblr.com/post/127812905067/next-up-in-the-momswap-au-jasper-de-facto-leader) Funny, that. (GOD I LOVE HOW THEY DRAW JASPER.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, God, Area Woman Making Her Move

Jasper had had a faint hope that Vidalia was only joking, but after an intermission for Amethyst to blow her nose and restore her strength by eating some tea bags and paper muffin cases, Vidalia set a fresh cup of tea down in front of Jasper and said brightly, “So tell us about this Pearl situation!”

“There is no situation.  Honestly.  Amethyst’s exaggerating to be funny.  You know what a joker she is.”

“But I’m saying it too, and I’m quite bad at being funny,” Peridot pointed out.  “Not to mention you directly told me you thought she was beautiful.”

“Well, there, it’s superficial.  I like how she looks, that’s all.”  She took a deep drink of tea, which as far as she could tell was just hot brown water.  “Nothing wrong with noticing someone’s pretty.”

“Who said there’s anything wrong with anything?” Amethyst asked.  “I think it’s _nice_ if you like her.   _Someone_ should.  Pearl is high maintenance, sure, but, you know, I care about her.  And I know she’s lonely a lot, even with people around.”

“Pearl is one of those people who just love so hard that they always feel like… well, I was watching _Adventure Time_ with Onion the other day and there was a line that made me think of her right away, even though I haven’t seen her in years. ‘Such is the cruel physics of love that those who crave it most will repel it, and only the dang rich get richer.’  Isn’t that just Pearl all over?”

“I do _not_ understand kids’ cartoons these days,” Amethyst sighed.  “I miss, like, _Magilla Gorilla_ and _Top Cat._ Anyway, I think that’s a little rough.  I don’t think Pearl _repels_ love.  I do think she comes off a little desperate and needy sometimes, and it’s like, wugh.  Not sure I can fill that gaping chasm you got there.  I mean, you should know this going in, Jazz.”

“But she doesn’t seem like that at all,” Jasper said, “and I mean, why should _Pearl_ be lonely?  Wouldn’t there always be someone who wanted to be with her?  What?  What’s that face for?”

“Awwwwww, Jasper!  You really got it bad.”

“Do not.”

“I bet there’s something you like about her beside her looks,” Vidalia said, leaning her chin in her hand.  “Tell me one thing.”

“She’s smart.”

“True.”

“And I know I’m not smart, but she doesn’t treat me like I’m dumb.  She’ll explain anything if I ask.”

“If you _enjoy_ Pearl explaining things at you, I think we definitely need to get you two together,” Amethyst said.  “You could be like a buffer for the rest of the world.”

“One more thing,” Vidalia said.  “I bet there’s at least one more.”

“I like her voice.  It’s a really pretty voice.  It sounds just like she looks.”

“Anything else?”

“She’s brave.  She’s not scared of me.  Usually it feels good when people are scared of me - you know, they respect me, they recognise me, I feel strong.  Big.  But it’s like… Pearl’s not scared of me… and sometimes for a second I’m scared of her… and she just… she makes me feel weird.  All fizzy and hot and big and small and…  Peridot, if you don’t stop grinning like that I’ll turn you inside out.”

Peridot evidently felt unable to stop grinning, so she held a throw pillow over the lower half of her face.

“I can still see your eyes smiling!”

“It’s not my fault you’re being cute and making me smile.”

“I’m not _cute!”_

“It doesn’t hurt to be cute.”

“Pearl’s cute,” Vidalia pointed out.  “She’s like a little ballerina birdie with blue blush.  Don’t worry, Jasper, you’re more handsome and strapping.”

“There’s just no point to this whole conversation,” Jasper exclaimed.  “She’s not going to be interested in me, I’m not her type at all.”

“Um, yeah you are,” said Amethyst.  “Pearl likes ‘em big.”  She managed to make a simple honest word like “big” sound weirdly lascivious just by dropping the pitch of her voice.

“What are you talking about?  I mean someone like her.  Someone who matches her and looks right with her.”

“Why would she want someone else like her?  She’s got _her_ already,” Peridot said.  “Also, and I realise this may sound a little callous, but how many eligible Gems do we have here on this planet?  You have virtually no competition.  If you’re interested, I bet she’d at least consider it.”

“Well, maybe she likes Garnet,” Jasper said, grasping at straws.

“Pearl _loves_ Garnet, but she’s like, self-sufficient,” Amethyst said with a shrug.

“Or Lapis Lazuli,” Jasper said, finally naming what she was most worried about.  “You know how much time they spend together, and how much they’ve got in common.”  With Pearl being so sweet to her it surely wouldn’t be long until Lapis forgave her completely for any mirror shenanigans.  She was probably getting her hair brushed every day.  Jasper knew Lapis was made of pretty stern stuff but if she herself was getting her hair brushed every day she’d have been putty in Pearl’s hands.  Hairy putty.

“Maybe she _will_ like someone else better,” Vidalia said, “or maybe you’re not quite what she’s looking for, but it would be a real shame if you just assumed so and never actually tried to find out, don’t you think?”

“What if you found out like five hundred years later that she would have been receptive but since then circumstances had changed and you’d missed your chance?” Peridot asked.

“Pearl thinks I’m just a big slobby mess,” Jasper objected.  “I mean, _once_ she told me my hair looked nice but the rest of the time it’s all, oh Jasper what have you done to yourself, you’re not coming in here in those filthy boots, well Jasper I’m sure if you didn’t give Steven spaceship rides he wouldn’t throw up on you.”

“That’s just _Pearl,_ though,” Amethyst said.  “She’s a neat freak.  Also, she’s told _me_ your hair looks nice pretty much every time you show up with a new style.  She likes you best in braids, if you want to work that angle.  And when you were giving him the spaceship ride, before the throwing up, we were watching from the deck and Pearl said, ‘I never thought I’d trust her with him but just look at them.  Jasper _loves_ Steven.  People can be so surprising.’  Admittedly the barfing did spoil a nice moment.”

“Did she really say she trusted me?” Jasper asked, astonished.  “With _Steven?”_

“Well, y’know, it was heavily implied.”

“Subtext!” Peridot exclaimed, clapping her hands.  “Oh my stars, I ship it now.”  Amethyst shot her an amused look from half-lidded eyes.

“Peridot, you’re a dork,” Jasper said.

“I am not.  I’m a nerd.  Tell her, Amethyst.”

“You’re a nerd with dork tendencies.  Jasper is a jock with dork tendencies.  I am weird trash.”

“Don’t call yourself trash,” Vidalia said, giving her a gentle shove.  “I hate it when I see kids calling themselves that on their art blogs.”

“Hey, I’m a trash can, not a trash can’t.”

“You are obviously not trash,” Peridot said, “because I am a Gem with very high standards, so there.”

“Can we get back to my situation?”  Jasper asked.

“Says the girl who didn’t want to talk about it and denied there was a situation at all,” Amethyst said smugly.

“Well, that was before you told me she likes my hair.”

“Are you, like, aware that you’re braiding it as we speak?”

“Of course I’m aware.  Have you got an elastic?”

“I never have an elastic.”

“Peri?”

“Look at my hair.  I have never needed an elastic in my life.   _It does this by itself.”_

“It’s true,” Amethyst chipped in, sounding proud.  “I’ve messed it up six ways from Sunday and it just settles back into a triangle.  It’s like memory foam or something.”

Vidalia leaned over the arm of the couch, pulled out a drawer in a side table, rummaged around and dug out a crumpled burgundy velvet scrunchie, which she lobbed over to Jasper.  “I’m going to want that back later, though,” she said.  “It’s one of Onion’s favourite stim toys.”

“Thanks,” Jasper said, fastening the end of her plait.  “Look, I’m sorry if this is an awkward question late in the piece, but you keep talking about an Onion and I have no idea who or what that is.”

“Oh!  He’s my kid.  He’s a little younger than Steven.  Not sure where he is right now - probably out playing.  So I have to say, this is starting to sound promising.  Do you have any other good Pearl intel, Amethyst?”

“Hmmm….”  Amethyst considered it.  “Nothing real specific.”

“She used to avoid looking at Jasper, remember?”  Peridot said.  “She’d only look at her if she actually needed to speak to her, things like that, and then she would have her stern serious face on.  Now she doesn’t avoid it, and she’s only stern and serious some of the time, and once or twice I’ve caught her looking around to see where you were and what you were doing and when she found you she _smiled._  Just a little smile, but it was definitely there.”

“Oh, and not to mention that she’s spending her whole flipping day today building something to help Jasper out, without even being asked.”  Amethyst quickly filled Vidalia in on the shower project.

“But that’s because she thinks I’m gross and dirty!”  Jasper wailed.  “That’s something she _doesn’t_ like about me!”

“Oh, foof,” Amethyst said, waving her hand dismissively.  “She’ll get used to that.  Pearl gave up on keeping _me_ spick and span years ago.”

“I guess that’s true,” Jasper said.  “I remember she said you haven’t let her brush your hair for ages.”

“When’d she tell you that?”

“When she was brushing _my_ hair.”

“Hold the phone, Pearl was _brushing your hair?”_

“Only once!  Only because I was in a mess.  She probably had to make herself do it.”

Words appeared to fail Amethyst.  Her eyes bulged and she gestured towards Jasper with both hands, turning first to Vidalia and then to Peridot as if to say, “behold the idiot.”

Vidalia was laughing again, but it was a kindly chuckle.  “Oh, Jasper, she didn’t make herself do it.  She found an _excuse_ to do it.  Oh my gosh, do you remember how she’d spend _hours_ brushing Rose’s hair just looking like she was in heaven?”  She leaned forward and dropped her voice to a low, conspiratorial tone.  “Have you seen that portrait I did of Rose Quartz?  The _entire time_ she was sitting for that Pearl was behind her playing with her hair.”

Jasper’s hopes leapt, but then they sank again.  “If you’re saying she’d like me if she thought I was a Rose Quartz substitute, that wouldn’t make me happy at all.”

“I think you can like some of the same things about two different people without seeing them as interchangeable,” Peridot offered.

“Pearl has been hung up on Rose longer than I’ve been alive,” Amethyst said wearily.  “I know it sucked for her.  Rose loved her so much but it was never going to be the same way Pearl loved her.  If she could just _look_ at someone else, even if it took some things in common with Rose to get her into it, I’d be happy.”

“Pearl liking big ladies with pretty hair doesn’t mean she’d only see you as a substitute, kiddo,” Vidalia said.  “You’re so different from Rose.  You’ve got your own kind of appeal.  Speaking as an artist, you’re stunning.  You have such strong, powerful features and such pretty eyes, and you look like you could hold up the sky.  And I’m just getting to know you, but you seem like you have a really earnest, honest, reliable kind of personality.  I mean, I think Pearl could go for that.  Amethyst?”

“Totally,” Amethyst said.  “If Pearl had someone she felt like she could completely totally count on, someone she could cling onto when she’s getting all weird and brittle and strung out and they’d steady her and comfort her, and someone she could feel like _she_ was taking care of, someone who’d need her and _like_ her fussing around, I think that’d be the jackpot.”

“Survey says, Jasper should go for it?”  Vidalia said, raising her hand.  Amethyst raised her hand.  Peridot raised both her hands and one foot.

“But what do I _do?_  Just… walk up to her on foot and say hey Pearl, I kind of like you?”

“Well, if you’re feeling brave!  Or if you want to test the waters a little bit, why not ask her to help you with your hair?”

“Like this!”  Amethyst exclaimed.  “Oh, _fudge!_  I just washed my hair in the very nice new shower and it’s all _tangled._  Whatever shall I _do?”_  She clasped her hands under her chin and fluttered her eyelashes.

“Fear not, fair maiden!  I’ll help you,” said Peridot.  “Perhaps you should take off that towel, it’ll only be in the way.”  That made Amethyst guffaw and pounce on her, with a tickle-fight ensuing.

“You two stop it,” said Vidalia, hitting them gently with a cushion.  “You’re mortifying Jasper.”

“I guess I could ask her _like a normal person,”_ Jasper said pointedly, over Peridot’s yelps of “Not _there!”_

“Then you do that, and come back and see me and tell me how it all went.  And if you don’t mind, maybe you could sit for me at the same time, just for some sketches?  I’m not just being nice, you have a really interesting face.”

“Okay.  I could bring the scrunchie back too.”

 

They wandered back to the Temple, squinting against the low, slanting, honey-gold sun.  It made even Amethyst and Peridot’s shadows tall, two dark giants walking hand-in-hand.  They looked so happy together, and Jasper was trying hard to believe that sometime soon she might be that happy.  If she could just keep in the confidence and encouragement the others had poured into her and not let it leak away, it seemed possible.

The new shower looked a little eccentric sticking off the side of the house like that, but entirely up to code and neat and trim.  A pipe had been run out of the wall of the house to feed a large brass showerhead, and a kind of hooped rail attached to the wall for the shower curtain to hang on.  Underfoot was a sort of miniature slatted cedar deck that the water could drain through.  The patchwork curtain was a warm peach colour with a repeating pattern of wine-red flowering branches and hanging on a hook beside it was a towel composed of three yellow bath sheets sewn together along their long sides.  Amethyst nudged Jasper in the leg.  Pearl was sitting on the deck reading a book and ostensibly not waiting for anyone to come home, see her handiwork and effusively praise her for it.

“Hey, Pearl,” Amethyst called.  She looked up from the page and smiled brightly.

“Oh, hello!” she trilled.  “I was beginning to think you’d stay out all night.  Ahem.  Jasper, there’s something for you here.”  She waved a hand towards the shower.  “It’s really not fair that you can’t use the facilities inside the house, so I brought a little of the inside outside.”

“You made that for me?”  Jasper asked, delighted.  It wasn’t a surprise that it existed, but she hadn’t realised it would be so _nice._ That was stupid, because of course anything Pearl made would be nice, but she’d even used her favourite colours.  Somehow she _knew_ her favourite colours.  “It’s - it’s great.  Thank you!  Thank you so much.”  She tried running the shower curtain back and forth along the railing.  There were hot and cold taps, and a hanging brass basket with soap and shampoo in it, and they were peach-coloured too.

“Oh, it’s just something I ran up in a hurry,” Pearl said, beaming with pride.  “You should thank Greg, he helped with the design - and he pointed out that we should find plant-based biodegradable soap and shampoo, so the suds won’t hurt the beach.”

“Oh, I will, but you’re the one who’s here.   _Thank you,_  Pearl.  This is amazing.”  She couldn’t get the grin off her face.  “I never had anything built just for me before.  Can I try it out?”

“Of course.  Goodness knows I didn’t build it for decoration.”

It was never going to be perfect, because a showerhead made for humans couldn’t produce a spray big enough to cover all of her at the same time, and you really had a choice of good pressure but cold water or trying to get your head under a steaming-hot trickle, but she was happy the whole time she was in there.  She supposed you were meant to get rid of your clothes in here and re-form them clean later.  That had better be what you were meant to do, because she had already done it.  She stretched and grew back to her full size, and you could say this for temporarily shrinking, it made you appreciate your real size when you got back to it.  She emerged damp-haired and ruddy-cheeked, smelling of peaches and feeling lucky.

She screwed up her courage and asked Pearl if she would mind helping with her hair.

“Oh, certainly!  Just a minute and I’ll find a wide-tooth comb.  A brush will just tear it when it’s wet.”

And so, unbelievably, Jasper found herself sitting on the deck, looking out over a sunset sea, while elegant, graceful, so very pretty Pearl gently combed out her hair and hummed to herself.  Since it was nearly dry when it was all combed through, she began sectioning it and plaiting it into a long braid starting up on the back of the head that she said was French, whatever that was; something to do with those fry bits Steven liked, Jasper thought.  

“With thick, fluffy hair like yours it’s easier to do this when it’s a little damp, and if you let it dry completely like this you’ll find it’s quite silky and wavy when you do brush it out.  I think loose waves would be so pretty on you.  But of course it’s up to you.”

“I’ll try that.”  For now she just closed her eyes and luxuriated in feeling like a sunset peach princess.

 

Jasper didn’t get to spend the whole evening with Pearl, because she went off saying she had something else to do, but that sunset feeling stayed warm inside her while Steven showed her how to make grilled cheese sandwiches and then watched the next five episodes of _Sailor Moon_ with her, sitting up on the floor of his loft with Jasper leaning back against the foot of his bed and Steven leaning back against her.  She felt kindly disposed towards just about everybody, including Sailor Mercury who she normally had no use for.  She wasn’t sure if it was just the blue hair or general annoyance with a weakling, but currently she was prepared to allow that she seemed like a nice girl, if not the most useful to have around in a fight.

“So are all the villains going to have Gem names?  I mean, so far we’ve had Beryl, Jadeite, Nephrite and Zoisite and I’m starting to feel targeted.”

“It is kind of a thing,” Steven admitted.  “I don’t think they mean anything by it.  Oh, but some of them end up being nice people!  And even the ones who stay bad are usually really interesting.  But I don’t want to give you spoilers.”

“One thing.  Any of them called Jasper?”

“Nope!  You’re safe.  Actually, there aren’t any called Garnet, Amethyst, Lapis Lazuli or Peridot either.  There’s a Perle, but he’s a good guy, and a Rubeus and a Safir, but they’re spelled wrong so we don’t count them.”

“Good.”

“I guess it’d be too much of a coincidence if any of them actually looked like Gems with the same names, right?”

“I’ve certainly never met a Jadeite that incompetent.  You don’t find Beryls in leadership roles, either.  They’re creative types who produce literature.  Nephrites do surveillance.  Zoisites handle logistics, transportation, that kind of thing.  So far, no matches.  Any Quartzes?”  She rested her chin on his head a moment.

“Nah, but lots of roses with Tuxedo Mask.”

“I like his cape.  I don’t _get_ him, but I like his cape.”

They watched through to the end of the beach episode, by which time Steven was yawning.  She left him to get cleaned up for bed and went to look for someone to open the Temple door for her.  No Gems seemed to be around, though.  Maybe they weren’t going to bother with her tonight.  She could sit out and watch the stars if she felt like it.  Or try to escape.  Nah.  She wandered outside and sat on the deck for a little while, but discovered the problem with being out here alone at night.  The moon was bright and the stars were lovely, with little skeins of wispy cloud passing over them in some distant, high-up breeze, but it was so quiet that all you could really hear was the ocean, endless and dark and mindless and cold.  It began to give her the creeps.  She flinched when the screen door opened with a twang and a squeak, but had managed to get herself under control by the time Pearl stepped out.

“Oh, Jasper, here you are,” she said, her voice hushed.  Steven must be asleep by now.  “Come inside, I have something to show you.”

“Hmm?”  Jasper got to her feet and performed the awkward manoeuvre of getting herself through the door.  By the time she’d done that, Pearl was over by the Temple door, bobbing up and down on her toes.

“Come on,” she called out in a whisper, if that were possible.  She opened the door and led the way, down into the underground.  They passed through the veined red room where bubbled Gems clustered and onward towards Jasper’s cavern.  A little way from the door, Pearl stopped and held up her hands.  “All right.  Now you need to close your eyes, and don’t peek.”

“Jeez, really?”  But she suddenly remembered.   _This is like in_ Beauty and the Beast _when he gives her the library.  I think something wonderful is going to happen, even if she’s the beauty and I’m the beast._  So she obediently screwed her eyes shut, and felt a waft of air against her face that must be Pearl waving her hand to make sure she wasn’t peering through her lashes.  A small cool hand took hold of her right forefinger and drew her onward.  She almost smacked her forehead on the top of the doorway, but something about the feeling of space below helped her to duck down at the right time.  Then she was standing in her own room in the dark behind her eyes, and Pearl’s hand left hers.  

“All right!  You can look.”

It was nothing like as magnificent as a library in a fairy-tale castle, but the difference between the cave this morning and the cave this evening was, well, like night and day.  Pearl had covered the rough rock floor with overlapping rugs of different patterns, but all in the same warm glowing colours, russets and peaches and ambers and golds.  Where had she even got all this stuff?  The mattresses were stacked against the wall like a couch, pillows arranged to make a back for it and covered with a wine-red quilt, the jumble of books and tapes and discs and gadgets was neatly arranged in a bookcase with a stained-glass lamp on top of it, and a string of little amber fairy lights circled the dome of the cave.  Lion was sleeping sprawled across the floor, clashing with the colour scheme terribly.  There was a tall three-panelled mirror that you could angle around to see your sides and your back, and a little table beside it to hold her brush and comb and an old cigar box full of the clips and bands and things Connie would bring her.  The only thing Pearl hadn’t really been able to pretty up was the TV cart, and she had given that a damn good dusting.

“Did you do this for me?” she asked, dropping to one knee to be nearer Pearl’s height.

“I said I would!” Pearl exclaimed.  She looked as pleased with herself as she had over the shower, her eyes bright and her hands together, fingers dovetailed and fanned.  “Remember?  So do you like it?”

“I thought you meant you’d find some things I could use, not make it _beautiful_ in here.  When did you have time?”

“I’m a fast worker, and I had it all planned out,” Pearl said.  “I just slipped down while you and Steven were watching television and whisked things together.  You’d be surprised the things that accumulate in an old place like this.”

“It’s amazing.   _You’re_ really amazing.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.  I like to have a project, that’s all.  And honestly, Jasper, you’ve earned it.  I’ve been so suspicious of you, and it finally seems none of those suspicions will come true.  You’ve just become part of our lives, part of our home.”

“I never expected _that._  When I woke up down here I was so determined that I’d never give in. Nothing’s been what I expected.”

“Well, I hope you like all these surprises.  Here’s another.”  Pearl dashed over to the wall; she pressed a switch mounted there that plunged them into darkness.  Jasper heard a second click, another switch, and the stars appeared.  After some awed blinking she realised it must be some kind of net of tiny silvery lights that Pearl had used to line the ceiling.  There was even a pale moon that she hadn’t noticed, tucked up high under the dome.

“You love all those things with the stars and the moon, don’t you?”  Pearl said, close beside her.  “I thought you’d like this.  Your own indoor night sky.”  The specks of silver light were reflected in her eyes and glinted on the smooth, pale gemstone on her forehead.  “What do you think?  Say you’re pleased.”  She turned her face upward, bright and hopeful. 

Jasper bent her head and kissed her.  That was what a Crystal Gem immersed in Earth life would want, wasn’t it, just as much as she did?  She tried to make it as light and gentle as she could, nothing like as forceful as the feeling that made her do it.  That was overwhelming.  Pearl’s lips were soft and warm and delicate and, she realised with a plunging sensation in her stomach, they were completely still under her own.  No answering pressure, no welcome.  She’d got everything horribly wrong.  Pearl didn’t push her away but she sprang back and began sputtering apologies.

“I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I should have asked, you would’ve _told_ me not to do that, I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid!”

“Jasper, please, I’m not upset.  Don’t worry.”  Pearl’s voice shook as she moved away to switch off the starlight and bring back the warmer, brighter amber.  She didn’t come back, standing poised by the wall with one hand resting against it, her eyes wide despite the stronger light.  “Please don’t think that I don’t care about you, but I think you and I would be better off as friends.  I think - yes, I think - well, I’m sorry too.  I had no idea you’d feel - excuse me.”  She clapped her hand over her mouth and dashed out.

Jasper crumpled forward until she was curled in a ball with her head on the floor.  She couldn’t even cry, only breathe raucously.  This felt worse than being Malachite, worse than being nothing but a weapon, even worse than Yellow Diamond not loving her, _hating_ her.  The misery and shame of it consumed her.

 

Pearl hurried away up the passage, her hand still clamped to her burning mouth.  How had she misread everything so badly?  Jasper!  Now, of all times!  She tried her hardest to be angry, indignant, because Jasper had no _right,_ but she could still feel how unbelievably soft and full her lips had been and how she had been trembling like a leaf, just the way she’d trembled when Pearl had fixed her hairpin.  And it would have been so easy, so terribly, disloyally easy to kiss back and wind her arms around that thick, powerful neck under the warmth of that cascade of lush hair and be gathered up in those strong arms and carried - She slapped her own cheek.  Standing in the burning room with the corrupted Gems all around her, she took deep, sharp breaths and forced herself to let them out slowly until she thought she could be more or less calm.

She went back to her own room.

Since Lapis had come, there was always a faint scent of ozone in the air.  Pearl could see her at the top of one of the columns of water, slowly turning, turning, her arms extended as bubbles danced around her.  She hurried up towards her, her feet splashing clumsily where usually she would skip over the water leaving only expanding rings of ripples.

Lapis saw her and dropped her arms, the bubbles pattering and bursting into the top of the column.  “Pearl?”  she said, her eyebrows rising in concern.  “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.  It’s silly. I just wanted…”

Lapis held out her arms and Pearl stepped into them, clutching her tight, feeling Lapis’ cheek cool and calming against her own.  Everything slowed and softened.

“I know I’m always asking, but -”

“It’s all right, Pearl.  You don’t need to apologise every time.  I already told you, we can fuse whenever you want.”

Pearl sniffed back tears.  “Oh, thank you.”

“Pas de deux?  Straight to the adagio?”  Lapis gave her an encouraging little smile.

“Please.”

They flowed together like water, and Blue Opal pirouetted in shrouds of soft mist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't settled in my own mind whose voice is Tourmaline, but I can tell you for nothing that Blue Opal's voice is Kylie Minogue.


	15. Chapter 15

Jasper stayed by herself as long as she could stand it, because she couldn’t handle telling Amethyst and Peridot yet and Steven needed his sleep.  When the clock on the VCR showed 7 AM, she clambered wearily up to the Temple door and pawed at it like she was Lion.  Her eyes felt raw, but they were dry.  She knew what she had to do.  She had to be good about it.  Not bother Pearl, not make it worse.  Get over it.  Take the scrunchie back to Vidalia, tell her she’d tried and failed, and the whole episode would be over.  She couldn’t bring herself to unravel Pearl’s braid yet, but she had slipped the scrunchie off the end of it, looped it around her wrist and replaced it with Connie’s strawberry bobble.

Steven opened the door and looked in at her curiously.  He was wearing his pyjamas and carrying a bag of bread.  “Morning, Jasper,” he said.  “I was just making breakfast, you want some French toast?”

“What does ‘French’ even mean?”

“From France.  It’s another country overseas.  It’s famous for food and fashion and fancy dancing and art and cool accents and romance and stuff.”

“And fries, and toast?”

“Yeah.  You want some?  I can put extra cinnamon on yours.”

“Thanks.”  She went over to the couch and sat down, although the seats weren’t really deep enough to accommodate her hindquarters and she always had to lean forward with her elbows on her knees.

“Are you okay?  You don’t look so good.”

“I had really bad dreams.”

“Aw, I’m sorry.  The bad part’s over now, though, right?”

“Yeah, I guess there’s that.”

He gave her knee a sympathetic pat and went back over to the kitchen.  Jasper sat with her head hanging and tried to give herself a pep talk.  Seeing Pearl for the first time today was going to be horrible, but if she could make it through that without making a scene it should get a little easier.  And she still had good things, she really did.  Lion and Peridot and Amethyst and Steven and Connie.  A hundred and eighty episodes of _Sailor Moon_ left.She’d get over not having what she’d hoped for with Pearl.  If nothing else, her experiences here proved she was resilient.  Right?  And Pearl said she did care, and did want to be friends.  Right?

_It’s going to be like she’s Rose Quartz and I’m her,_ she realised.  That sounded truly dire.  Still, if Pearl could endure it for however long she had, she could.

It was not a very peppy pep talk.

She was morosely eating French toast and assuring Steven it was very tasty and she just didn’t feel herself this morning when the big warp pad lit up and Garnet appeared.

“Garnet!”  Steven cried.  “You’re just in time for French toast!”

“Maybe later,” Garnet said.  “I need everyone together.  There’s something big in the strawberry battlefield.  Jasper, get Amethyst and Peridot - Steven, find Pearl.”

“Right.”  Jasper hurried through the Temple door after Steven; it only occurred to her while she was already obeying the order that Garnet had just given her an order, had just given her a _job._  Even with the way she was feeling this morning, that was sort of neat.  She had to go through the tunnel to Amethyst’s room hunched over, so she couldn’t go at full speed, but she hustled as well as she could.  Some kind of wrestling match was taking place under a blanket, and if it wasn’t actually a wrestling match she didn’t wish to know that. “Hey!” she shouted.  “Garnet needs everyone together for something big, so get out here.”

The heaving blanket subsided, emitting sounds of extreme disappointment and frustration in two different keys.

“This had better be _so important,”_ Peridot said, emerging with a very flushed face and haystack hair.

“Where’s Amethyst?”

“She needs a sec.  Go, we’ll follow you.”

She hurried back.  The door was standing open, so she didn’t have to wait for Steven.  Garnet was standing in the middle of the living room, arms folded and the fingers of one hand drumming against her upper arm.

“They’ll be right out,” Jasper reported.  She wondered what else she could do to show she was alert and ready to help.  Without any defined rank or duties it was tricky; she might be overstepping.

“Good,” Garnet said, and nothing else.

Peridot and Amethyst appeared a few moments later, looking dishevelled and disgruntled, although Peridot’s hair had already reassembled itself.  Amethyst slung herself onto the couch; Peridot seemed too nervous or excited, or perhaps both, to sit down.

A few seconds passed.

“What’s keeping Pearl?” Amethyst grumbled.  “I can’t be up before her.  It’s unnatural.”

“I don’t know,” Garnet said.  She sounded just a trace concerned.

Steven reappeared in the Temple doorway.  His eyes were huge and starry and he was grinning so widely the sides of his smile were in danger of meeting at the back of his head. “HEY GUYS!” he bellowed gleefully.  “PEARL AND LAPIS SITTIN’ IN HER ROOM, F-U-S-I-N-G BOOM!”

“What!?” said Amethyst.

“What?” said Peridot.

“What.” said Garnet.

Jasper couldn’t say anything.

Steven came bounding out and was followed by a tall, willowy blue figure that dipped under the lintel and rose again with effortless grace.

“Oh my flipping heck,” said Amethyst.

“Her name is Blue Opal!”  Steven cried.  “Isn’t she swell?”

“Blue _Opal?”_  Amethyst yelped.

“Yeah, there must be lots of different kinds!”

She stood on the tips of her toes as lightly as if she had a note excusing her from gravity.  Her clothes were like trailing clouds and ribbons of mist that thickened into solidity around her body.  Her ice-blue hair floated as if she were underwater, and her upper pair of hands were clasped together.  One of the lower ones gave them all a small, nervous wave.

“Hello,” said Blue Opal.  “Since you already have an Opal, I’d be happy if you called me Blue.”

“I’m glad to meet you, Blue,” Garnet said, “but we have a situation, and we really need Pearl.”

“I understand.  Steven was just so excited to show me to all of you.  I wasn’t sure when would be the right time to make my début.”

“Why are you, like, _Australian?”_ Amethyst asked.

“Everyone’s got to be from somewhere,” Garnet said, shrugging.

“Say ‘Vegemite.’  No no no, say ‘chunder.’”

“Not the time, Amethyst.”

“Who’s Vegemite?  I’ve never heard of her, and I know all the Gem and lesser mineral classifications,” Peridot said querulously.

_“Not the time, Peridot.”_

“I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.  I’d better just go.  Bye for now.”  Blue gave them another little flutter of a wave and dissipated, leaving Lapis holding Pearl aloft.  She carefully set her down.  Pearl tugged at the hem of her top and cleared her throat, blushing so much that her head resembled a duck egg.

“Excuse me,” said Lapis.  She gave Pearl’s hand a little pat and went back into the Temple.  In the midst of everything else her mind was screaming about, Jasper noticed that although she didn’t have a gemstone set into the door yet, it opened and closed for her.  What was that about?  Was it because she’d fused with Pearl?   _She’d fused with Pearl._  Back to screaming.

“Let’s talk about this later,” Garnet said firmly.  “I was just on the ancient battlefield and there’s something very large and very hostile moving around.  I believe I got back without it noticing me but that’s not definite, so we can’t assume we’ll have the advantage of surprise.  We need to investigate, and Jasper, Peridot, I want you to come with us.  Your job is to learn.  Take your lead from Steven.”

Steven had been looking confused and troubled by the general reaction to Blue, but he perked up tremendously at that and grabbed Peridot and Jasper’s hands.

“What do you think I need to learn about fighting?” Jasper asked.

“Probably not a lot, but you need to learn about the way we work together.  Clear?”

“Clear.”

“What kind of very large and very hostile thing?” Pearl asked.  She seemed to have composed herself.  “Can you tell us what to expect?”

“I couldn’t get a good look at it,” Garnet admitted.  “It’s very strange.  It feels like a corrupted Gem, but multiple.  I think it may be one of Peridot’s composite fusions that we missed.”

“I don’t think I was here for _that,”_ Jasper said, startled.

“Can I say, by the way, that I regret those?”  Peridot looked very uncomfortable.  “Bad idea.  Very bad idea.”

“Let’s go, Gems,” Garnet said, leading the way onto the pad.

Jasper hadn’t been on one of these things in quite a while, but they were always a rush.  She could feel Steven gripping her hand tightly, hopefully just because he was excited for an adventure.  She wouldn’t like him to be scared.  

The warp glitter cleared and they found themselves on another pad amid bushes, brambles, green fields and red strawberries.  It took a moment to recognise the place; all the foliage was new but the shape of the landscape hadn’t changed much.

“Were you ever here?” Peridot asked her quietly as the others stepped down, the Gems drawing their weapons, Steven letting go of their hands to summon his shield.

“Yep.”  She put on her helmet.  “Stick close to me, all right?”

“Wait,” Steven said, looking back at them in concern.  “I don’t think Peridot has a weapon.”

“We’re made not to have weapons of our own,” Peridot said.  “It would make us too dangerous, because we’re all intelligence.”

“Gee, thanks, babe,” said Amethyst dryly.  “Us dumb-dumbs will just have to protect your smart ass, huh?”

“I mean we come under the intelligence _division,”_ Peridot explained.  “We have technical expertise and access to sensitive information.  Access to limb enhancements and thus weapons requires a high security clearance - a naturally armed Peridot would just be, well.  Actually, this is suboptimal.  Maybe I can find a pointy stick or something.”

“You’ll be okay.”  Jasper rested her hand on Peridot’s head for a moment.  Garnet and Pearl were fanning out, on the lookout, gauntlets and lance up and ready to strike.  She watched them carefully.  It was warm here and buggy, and the air felt humid.  It had been much colder and dryer before.  She had just seen the broken hilt of a weapon that she recognised, sticking out of the earth.  Standard issue back then, completely outmoded now, but still, if it had been intact, capable of giving you a hell of a headache.

“What was it like?” Peridot asked.  There was a note of excitement and awe in her voice.

“Started out epic, went really bad really fast,” Jasper said.  “I ran off this battlefield with my tail between my legs and a cracked Ruby under each arm.”

“You helped evac the Rubies in the retreat?”  Garnet had circled around nearer to them.

“They’ve only got little legs.”  Jasper shrugged.  “I don’t think either of them made it.”

“From the state of this place afterwards, I’d say not many officers even tried.”  She nodded to Pearl and pointed.  “I think it’s over that way, down in the hollow.  Everyone quiet.”

As they got closer they could hear it, a rumbling, churning, growling sound.  The low-growing bushes didn’t provide much cover for Garnet, let alone Jasper, but whatever it was seemed not to notice them.  The creature was milling around at the bottom of the hollow.  Milling around was something usually done by a crowd, but it seemed like the right term.  It was a huge, protoplasmic-looking blob, a sickly brownish yellow, with glints of many colours in it.

“It looks like a glitter booger,” Steven whispered.

The glitter booger (Jasper realised immediately that there was no point trying to think of it by any other name) kept stretching out sticky-looking temporary limbs, dabbing ineffectually at the bushes and stones around it, as if searching for something fragile by touch.  The earth was damp in the hollow and it was churning up a lot of mud as it surged blindly around, streaked with red from the crushed strawberries.

“Gross,” Amethyst whispered, admiringly.  Garnet put her finger to her lips in warning.  She indicated with gestures that she would go around to one point on the rim of the hollow, Pearl and Amethyst should position themselves at ten and two relative to her, and they would converge on the creature with one fast strike.  The other three were to stay put.  Jasper tried not to be peeved by that; someone should look after Steven and Peridot, who was now bravely clutching a weather-corroded halberd she’d picked up from somewhere.  It was much too long for her and she would be off balance the moment she tried to swing it at anything, but it seemed to be making her feel better.

The Crystal Gems executed the manoeuvre exactly according to plan, and it immediately went wrong in the most nightmarish way.  With lightning speed, the blob split into many blobs that careened around with a wobbling, rolling motion, so fast it was almost impossible to keep track of them, and to make matters worse, they were constantly merging and separating again.

“Oh, crud!” Steven exclaimed.  “It’s like the goo in _Princess Mononoke!”_

The blobs laid about them furiously with thick pseudo-limbs that moved like whips.  Amethyst was knocked off her feet and landed in the mud, but scrambled up onto a rock and whipped back.  She was splashing the stuff around but didn’t seem to be hurting it.  Garnet was being backed away from the other two, just holding the seething mass at bay, and Pearl was leaping around so high and so fast to evade the blobs that she seemed to be flying.  It took everything Jasper had to stay where she was and not rush down and fight.  She _knew_ she had the speed and power to do some damage, but she had orders here, and Steven and Peridot were far less sturdy than Rubies.

The battlefield seemed to swim before her eyes, and out of focus, the speckled red berries amid the green looked like crushed and shattered Rubies.  Not the kind of thing she would ever have thought of before.  Not good.  

Beside her, Peridot fumbled her ridiculous halberd.  The shaft fell over sideways, the blade coming right down onto Steven.  Jasper’s arm was already swinging out to bat it away and she jarred it badly when it struck the large pink shielding bubble that Steven had reflexively summoned.  A loud grunt of pain escaped her before she could bite it off.  She didn’t know whether it was her making a noise or the flash of sunlight off the shiny surface of the bubble as it expanded, but something got the glitter booger’s attention.  A large portion of it came surging up the slope towards them like a thundering breaker.  Jasper shoved Peridot behind her, braced her feet, thrust her head forward and raised her crossed arms just before it hit.

She was thrown off her feet and tumbled over amid absolute confusion.  It was so like being tossed around in the waves as she fought for her final escape from Lapis that she had to grab frantically for a difference.  No bubbles in her ears, no foam.  Mud and crushed fruit and revolting yellow-brown gelatinous gunge.

She fought to find the ground, feet scrabbling and arms clawing, glanced off it with a thud, and burst out into open air, gasping.  She was in the lee of a huge boulder, the blob flowing by unstoppably on both sides.  Garnet and Pearl were huddled here.

“Where’s Steven?” they both yelled.

“We got separated.  He’s in his bubble!”  Panic and guilt made her angry.  “You realise if I had a destabiliser I’d have had this thing on its back by now?”

“Stay with Pearl!” Garnet growled, and sprang away into the torrent.  Pearl, she now noticed, was clutching her shoulder and looking pained.

“What happened?” Jasper dropped to her knees and bent over her, hands hovering, afraid to touch in case she hurt her worse.  A Pearl must be so fragile.

“There are a lot of rocks and other débris in it.  Something hit me,” Pearl said.  “I’ll be all right, just give me a moment.”  She carefully rotated her shoulder and flexed her arm, wincing.  “Right.  I did see one thing.  The glints are all Gem shards, but some are larger.  If a portion separates off, it always has a larger shard in it.  We need to target them if we can, but they stay near the centre of their blobs.  The gel is very dense and it will take a strong, concentrated strike to reach them.”  She sounded like a general, and Jasper could only stare at her and feel more hopelessly in love than ever.

“This would be easier if we fused,” Pearl said, holding out her hand.  It took a moment for Jasper to realise she meant her, but there was no one else there.  She reached out and then froze.

“Jasper?” Pearl looked puzzled, and then appalled.  “Oh no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think.  I can’t expect you to -”

“No, I’ll do it!  I’m just - just getting ready.”  She couldn’t possibly do it.  It was _Pearl,_ who she wanted more than anyone on the face of the Earth, _needing_ her to help her in an emergency, and she couldn’t do it.

“No,” Pearl said firmly.  “We’ll find another way.”  She dug the butt of her lance into the mud and heaved herself upright, looking around.  Most of the glitter booger had left the hollow, or as it now was, the mudhole.  Only a few smaller globules were left, shimmying around aimlessly.  “Small shards,” Pearl said.  She strode over to one, about knee-high to her, lifted her lance and with a soft grunt brought it down in a swift, vertical stroke, plunging straight through to the largest of the fragments inside.  Jasper should have been past caring, but still managed to be a trace disturbed by how hot that was.  The globule burst against Pearl’s shins, dissipating into light and leaving several glinting bits of gemstone scattered on the mud.  With a scooping movement of her hand, she enclosed them in a bubble and dismissed it.  “We can do this,” she said with a nod.

“But the bigger blobs are higher than your head,” Jasper pointed out.

“Then isn’t it a good thing you’re so big and strong?  Here’s what we’ll do.  You make a stirrup of your hands -”  She was just demonstrating what she meant when a blob bigger than Jasper came churning back down the slope towards them.  Smaller globules rolled eagerly into it as it drew near them.

“Jasper, _now!”_  Pearl dashed away a few paces and Jasper crouched down, her fingers interlaced to make a step for Pearl’s foot.  She was running up, she stepped in, Jasper took the weight and heaved upwards, turning and craning her neck as Pearl flew through the air and flashed down again like lightning.  Her whole body was like the lance, and they punched through the gelatinous dome of the thing and had barely slowed down when they hit the central shard.  Slime and light and shattered gems flew everywhere, and Pearl landed on slippery mud and staggered.

Jasper rushed in, her own feet skidding in the ooze, and caught her up.  “You did it!” she bellowed, overjoyed.

“I did!” Pearl squealed, and hugged her tight around the neck.  They spun in place for a few breathless seconds before Jasper’s feet shot out from under her and she landed hard on her backside with Pearl sprawled on top of her.

“Whoops,” Pearl said, and there was almost a giggle in her voice.  Jasper’s butt had taken the worst of the landing, but her head had bounced off the ground half a second later, hard enough that her helmet had absorbed the shock and temporarily dissolved.  She must have lost Connie’s strawberry bobble at some stage, because she felt all her hair abruptly fall loose around her face.

_Pearl’s sitting on me.  Her little butt is actually on my chest and my hand is on her leg and she doesn’t look bothered at all._

“I was right,” Pearl said.  “The loose waves _are_ pretty on you.  It’s a shame about the mud.”

Jasper wasn’t sure she could come up with any sort of a clever, dashing riposte to that.  She didn’t have to, because they were both brought back to reality by hearing Amethyst yelling furiously uphill.  She sounded pained.  Pearl’s expression snapped back into fierce focus.  “Come on,” she said.

They raced up the slope, Pearl skipping lightly ahead and Jasper’s heavy boots carving gashes into the softened earth.  Knowing what to do, and able to show the others, it became more of a clean-up operation than a pitched battle.  Amethyst grabbed the business end of a broken spear and Garnet tossed her skywards.  She wasn’t as aerodynamic as Pearl but she got the job done.  Steven dashed from place to place, bubbling fallen shards and sending them away as fast as his stocky legs could carry him.  Peridot sat inside a large bubble, plastered with mud and crushed strawberries and looking vaguely stunned.

At last, it was all over and they collapsed in a filthy pile, Garnet and Jasper leaning back to back and the others flopped across their laps.

“I don’t think I want to be in battles any more,” Peridot said, and Amethyst laughed and hugged her, rolling her off Garnet’s leg and back into the muck.  Steven wriggled into the space she left and hugged Garnet around the waist. On Jasper’s side, Pearl was nestled against her, curled on her side with her head resting against the top of Jasper’s thigh.  She looked completely peaceful and comfortable.  It would have been so nice to put an arm around her, to stroke her little back, but she didn’t want to push her luck.  This right here was wonderful.

She’d been thinking she would have to get over Pearl, but there was obviously no way in the world to do that.  Not when Pearl was like this, not when she’d seen her fight and felt her throw those thin, strong little arms around her and laugh into her hair.  Not when she looked so perfectly lovely even when she’d literally, at one point in the fight, been dragged through a hedge backwards.  So the only thing to do was, what?  Tell Pearl she adored her forever and leave the ball in her court?  It didn’t seem honourable.  Too much like a guilt trip.  It was going to be hard.  Maybe the way was not to give up hope, and not to stop loving her, but not to make any claims or appeals either.  Leave it to Pearl, and if she loved Lapis, well, she loved Lapis, but that might not be forever.  In the meantime, love her, and be her friend, and fight beside her, and live for moments like this.

“Good job, everyone,” Garnet said.  “Jasper?  You too.”  She reached one hand back over her head, an awkward angle, and they bumped fists.  It felt like getting a medal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things:
> 
> Since fusion Gems' voices are always great divas, Blue's voice is Kylie Minogue.
> 
> I still haven't figured out who Tourmaline's voice would be.
> 
> The joke about Vegemite is probably my favourite thing in this chapter, but I'm also proud of "glitter booger."


	16. Chapter 16

Gnawing on a corner of the box from Steven’s victory pizza, Amethyst wandered out into the night air.  It was a pretty night with the moon just off full, so it was easy to see a small huddled figure sitting down on the beach.  Yep, she’d thought so.  Better go do what she could.

She strolled down, bringing the box with her - the base was soaked with garlicky oil which made a nice contrast to the dryer top and sides - and made her way to Pearl, who had built a sad little dry sandcastle over her own feet and was now poking her toes up through it and watching the sand cascade down.

“Hey,” Amethyst said, plunking herself down.  “Can we talk?”

“What do you want to talk about?” Pearl asked guardedly.  She scooped up a handful of sand and poured it gradually over the top of her broken castle.

“Are you feeling okay?  You look pretty bummed.”

Pearl sighed.  “Sometimes I think I should just… stay away from people.  I don’t know how to _be_ and I keep making myself and everyone else so unhappy.”

“Well, I’m not unhappy, and neither’s Garnet or Peridot or Steven.  We’re really talking about you and Lapis and Jasper, right?”

“Right.”  Another handful of sand.

Amethyst chewed cheesy cardboard thoughtfully for a while.  “What happened there?  I mean, with Lapis?”

“Well, I feel as if we’ve grown very close in just a short time.  She’s told me about some very painful things that she’s been through.  Even before the mirror, when she lost favour with Blue Diamond - which was why she was in the mirror in the first place.  You haven’t experienced this - you’re lucky you haven’t experienced this - but we’re supposed to love our Diamonds with a very selfless devotion.  That was one of the things Rose came to object to… and one of the things I suppose I never really shook off.”  She gave a soft, rueful laugh.  “Displeasing your Diamond and being rejected by her is the worst thing a Gem can experience.  Being left to live with it was generally considered worse than being broken outright.”

“What’d Lapis do that was so awful?”  Amethyst asked.

“She made a joke.  Blue Diamond had always liked her jokes and encouraged her, and she thought she’d like this one too, but she didn’t find it funny at all.  It was disrespectful, she said.”

“Eesh.  I wouldn’t’ve lasted a week there.”

“I’m so glad,” Pearl said, touching Amethyst’s arm briefly, “that you’ve been able to grow up away from that.  Even if some of your jokes are in the worst possible taste.”

“No censorship for me!  So… you felt close to Lapis?”

“Yes.  I ended up telling her a lot of my troubles too.  I didn’t mean to at first, because it seemed insensitive with all she’s been through, but she was quite sympathetic.  She said it actually helped to know that I didn’t have a perfect life; it eased away a lot of the resentment she’d felt.  And that it was good to know me as _me,_ as Pearl the person, not just Pearl the voice and face giving her orders from the other side of the glass.  After a while it felt as if we could tell each other anything.  We’d talk all through the night.  We talked about her fusion with Jasper, and how painful and frightening and exhausting it was, how angry she was, and how she’d been willing to go through all that, no matter how it hurt her, so that Steven could be safe.  And, well, I felt I understood that.  It’s that selfless love again.  Perhaps we have to transfer it somewhere.  We need _someone_ to put into that space in our hearts.  Someone like Rose or Steven is the best person to love in that way, because they don’t _want_ you to sacrifice too much of yourself for them.  It’s so, so easy, even when you _know_ you do this to yourself, to miss the point where you tip over and go too far, to feel as if what you’re doing is still right because it’s for _her_ \- or for him, or whoever.”

“Then what?”

“Then… well, part of it was that I wanted her to know how beautiful and good and loving and joyful fusion could be, and how it could make two Gems stronger, stronger in the real way, in their hearts and minds together, so that they wouldn’t be afraid, wouldn’t feel that emptiness that… you know the emptiness.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“But I didn’t ask her to do it.  We talked about it, but that was only me telling her some stories, about Rainbow Quartz, and Sardonyx, and of course Opal, and how much they meant to me.  They’re so much more than a way to solve a problem, and at the same time, I think there’s no better way to face a challenge than united with someone you love and trust.  And one night she asked _me,_ and we tried, and it was beautiful.  Very, very easy and natural.  She cried a bit afterwards and said it was such a relief that she could feel that way.  And I wanted to give her that feeling, and to have it for myself again, and… well, you saw.”

“The part of this I don’t get yet,” Amethyst said slowly, sucking grease from her fingers, “is how you warmed up to Jasper at the same time if you were hearing all this stuff about what a terrible fuse she was.”

“Well, how do you not warm up to Jasper?  She’s nothing like she used to be.  She’s still got that fire in her, but she’s gentled so much, and she’s really tried to learn and understand.  And the first time I actually saw her vulnerable, sitting there all hunched up and miserable in a terrible mess - I don’t know _how_ she makes such messes, it’s like an inverse talent - well, I could see that there was more to her than bluster and aggression and cruelty.  I started to think perhaps there was so much of that bluster and aggression because there was really quite a frightened, unsure person inside, and that perhaps she’d learned cruelty because someone had been cruel to her.  That actually happened before Lapis and I began to confide in each other so much.  It didn’t mean I forgave her everything, I was still far too angry with her and afraid of her at the time, but I couldn’t ignore it.  I was worried that if she wasn’t so cowed any more the aggression would come back and she’d be dangerous - I was worried about even letting her out of that cave in case it had that effect - and instead she wanted to play.”  She said the last word with a kind of wistful wonder.  “There was that, and then there was the fact that although Lapis still hates her, she tries to be fair.  I admire that in her.  She says that she hurt Jasper just as much as Jasper hurt her, and at the time she was glad, and she doesn’t like that side of herself very much.  She doesn’t want other people to hate Jasper because she does; they should only hate her if she gives _them_ a reason.  Um… Amethyst, what do you know about Jasper and me?”

“I know you two were super cuddly after that battle today.  I know when Blue Opal came out this morning, Jasper looked like she’d been punched in the guts.  I know you worked your tail off making nice things for her and fixing her hair and all that stuff you like to do for people that’s basically Pearl for ‘hey I love you,’ and I spend enough time with her to know she’s crazy about you.  But I also know after we got back here today, you got all squirrelly and talking too fast and trying too hard and now you’re out here sighing and burying your feet.  So something’s wrong.”

Pearl sighed again, but lifted her feet out of the sand pile and dusted them off.  “Last night Jasper kissed me.”

“Ohhhhh.”

“And I couldn’t reciprocate, and I went back to Lapis, and I - oh but Amethyst, it was awful, it was such a sweet kiss, it felt so _nice,_ and I feel like such a horrible person.”

“Jeez,” said Amethyst, wincing sympathetically.  She waited, but nothing else was forthcoming.  Pearl was hugging her knees and resting her chin against them so that her nose was just about tucked down between them.  Her mouth was completely covered up that way.  It looked like she was feeling pretty guilty about her mouth.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Mhm,” Pearl said to her knees.

“Does Lapis kiss you?  Or have you kissed her?”

“No.  We dance together, we fuse, obviously, we’ll sit or lie together holding hands, but she doesn’t kiss.  Gems usually don’t, even when we’re very intimate.”

“So it’s not like you did something with Jasper that’s supposed to be just for Lapis.  Plus you said ‘Jasper kissed me’ which sounds like she started it, not you.  I think you could give yourself a pass for this one.”  She waited again.  “Pearl?”

“Mhm?”

“Do you like Jasper?”

“So much that it’s quite alarming.  I - I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”

“And you like Lapis too?”

“Not in the same way.  But I didn’t expect to ever feel that way.  Not again.  So now I feel as if I’m betraying both Lapis a- and - Ro-”  She slid her forehead down to her knees, tucking her face into the circle of her arms, and the name was lost in a sob.

“Aw, _Pearl.”_  Amethyst scooted over beside her and put her arms around her while she cried, waiting the tears out with her head on Pearl’s shoulder.  When the sobs began to be more widely spaced, interspersed with more deep breaths and sniffs, she stroked Pearl’s hair and made there-there noises.  “Hey, do you think Rose would say, ‘Pearl, you’re never allowed to love anyone else like you loved me’?”

“N-no.  Obviously.”

“Do you think she’d even say, ‘You’re never allowed to even really like someone, even if she is really strong and cute and has an ass that could launch a thousand ships’?”

“You’re so vulgar,” Pearl said, but there was a trace of a wan smile.

“Yeah, I know.  Do you think maybe she’d say, ‘Pearl, I want you to have the best life you can and not cut yourself off from stuff that could make you happy because you miss me and you think if you ever don’t miss me as much it’ll mean you never really truly loved me’?”

Pearl sniffed hard.  “Amethyst, are you reading my mind?  Because I’d really rather you wouldn’t without asking permission.”

“Nah.  You know I can’t do that.  I just feel like that sometimes too.  But life’s too short, even for us, and that’s not what Rose was _like.”_

“I know what you’re saying makes sense, but I still feel terrible.”

“Well, sure, ‘cause you’re still all wound up.  Give it some time.  Give yourself a break and try not to think about it so hard.”

“I don’t think I can do that last part, but I can probably give myself time.”  Pearl wiped her eyes and sat up straighter.  “Thank you, Amethyst.  I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you.  You’ve been such a support to me lately.”

“Yeah, well.  Make it a future goal, ‘kay?  Go easier on self, praise Amethyst more.  And I think you can figure something out.  Lapis and Jasper can both be really special to you without one taking anything away from the other.  If you want to kiss Jasper, go for it.  She’s, like, ridiculously hot so it’d be kind of a waste not to.”

“Oh, should Peridot be worried?” Pearl asked archly.

“Naw.  Peri’s special.  I never really thought I’d meet someone like her.  Not totally sure what she sees in me, but I’m hoping she wants to stick around.”

“She’s such a funny, nervous little thing.  Highly strung.”

“Yeah, you know I can’t _stand_ people like that.”  She gave Pearl’s shoulders a friendly squeeze, and was relieved to hear a soft, still slightly tearful laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis' unfortunate joke may or may not have involved a fart noise.
> 
> It's kind of satisfying to me how in this story Amethyst and Pearl both become attracted to someone with a lot of the same qualities as the other. I don't ship Pearlmethyst romantically because I think they're more like sisters (particularly after seeing Pearl carrying little Amethyst around in "Story for Steven" - indeed, after that the idea of anything romantic or sexual between them shifted from "nice but I prefer something else" to "nope," NB I am not criticising Pearlmethyt shippers or suggesting they're pro-incest or something, I think we perceive the characters and the relationship quite differently and that's entirely valid) BUT (do you remember how this sentence started) I could definitely see them being drawn to other partners partly because of those similar qualities.


	17. Chapter 17

“Ah-heh-hem,” Steven proclaimed.  “You’re probably wondering why I’ve called you all here today.”

“No,” said Amethyst with her mouth full of waffle.

“You said it was Together Breakfast,” Jasper added.  “And it was Tradition.”

“Which is a strange idea when so few people in this household eat more than recreationally, but okay,” said Peridot, who was unclear on the concept of juice and pouring herself a glass of maple syrup.

Everyone bar Lapis was seated around the coffee table, whether on the couch or a stool or a cushion or the floor.  Lapis, for her part, had decided to sit at the edge of Steven’s sleeping loft, where she could see and hear but remain a comfortable distance from Jasper (and also, Jasper suspected, be higher up than her).  The table was laden with waffles and berries and for some reason, popcorn.

“Well, I did want us all to have Together Breakfast but I also have something I want to talk about,” Steven admitted, as Garnet quietly reached over Peridot’s shoulders and confiscated both the syrup bottle and the glass.  “I think it’s important.”

“Tell us, Steven,” said Pearl, nodding.

“It’s about the Glitter Booger,” he said.  “We all got together and took care of it, which was really great, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how sad it was.  I mean… all those shards that found their way back to the battlefield which was probably where most of them… well, most of them died.  And they were just wandering around not knowing what to do, like they were looking for the rest of themselves.  They reminded me of ghosts.”

“Steven,” Garnet said softly, “There isn’t anything more we can do for them.  Keeping them safe and not letting them hurt anyone is it.”

“I know.  I know it is, for shards.  But it made me think, and I want to try again with Centipeetle.  Who, for our new friends, is in one of the bubbles downstairs.  We don’t know who she used to be, but she used to be _someone,_ and I kind of made some headway with her once.  She’s a… I don’t like saying _corrupted_ Gem.  It sounds like we think they’re bad, but aren’t they really just sick and scared and confused?”  He frowned.  “Except those don’t sound good either.  I don’t know what to call them.”

“What about ‘prisoners’?” Lapis asked from above.

“I don’t _want_ them to be prisoners, Lapis,” Steven said urgently.  “But like they are, they go around smashing things and hurting people, and we can’t understand each other.  If I can work something out with Centipeetle, maybe we can communicate.  Maybe once they can talk and we can explain they’ll calm down.  We could let them go home if they want to, or stay here and be our friends, like you and Jasper and Peridot.”

“I really don’t recommend letting them go home,” Lapis said.  

“Oh.  Yeah.  But don’t you think it’s worth trying?”

“Are you saying that they’re not in the condition I was, in the mirror?”

“No - they’re not cracked or built into an object.  They’re _Gems_ but they grow these big crazy monster bodies and go around breathing fire and spitting acid and stuff.  I don’t really understand how it happens.  Do you guys?”  He appealed to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl.  

“Before my time, Stee-man,” Amethyst said.

“We wish we did,” Pearl replied.  “It happened to some and not to others, for no clear reason, and it happened very fast and apparently irreversibly.  We lost good friends that way.”

“Do you know which ones they are?” he asked eagerly.  “Maybe they’ll remember you!”

“I used to hope so too, but I’m afraid I don’t recognise any of them any more.”  She folded her arms around her body and sat back against the couch cushion.

“Steven,” said Garnet, “I don’t want to discourage you, but I want you to understand what you’d be taking on.  This could be very hard for you.  If you want to wait until you’re older and stronger and better prepared, you wouldn’t be letting anyone down.”

“I think the only way I can learn to help a - a hurt Gem is to start trying, though.  Even if it takes me a long time, it’ll be worth it if it works in the end.”

Peridot raised her hand, gingerly.  “If you want a helper, I’d like to volunteer.”

“You would?”

“Well, I know I made this situation worse.  The… booger probably existed because of my work.  If I could help make it better, I should, shouldn’t I?”

“Thanks, Peridot.”  He leaned across the corner of the table and hugged her.

“And it’s the kind of work I’m better at.  I don’t really want to go out in the field again.  I nearly splattered you with that oversized pointy axe thing and made matters worse there, too.  On the other hand, I don’t want to be useless or redundant, so this sounds like a good opportunity.”

“Well, if you _are_ going to do something like this you’d certainly need supervision,” Pearl said anxiously.  “I would want to be there at first too.  I’m not even sure where you could try this that the Centipeetle could be safely contained out of a bubble.”

“Oh, I thought about that too!  My mom’s room.  It’s a safe place, and it can make anything I ask for, so if I ask for an enclosure where Centipeetle will be safe and comfortable and can’t hurt herself or anyone else, it’ll be there, right?”

“In theory, yes.”

“I’d like to see _that,”_ said Peridot.

“So is it okay?  Can I?  Garnet?”

Garnet looked briefly to both Pearl and Amethyst, and received nods.  “Try it,” she said.  “You’ll have our support.”

“Assuming you do manage to establish communication, I even have relevant experience,” Peridot said, her confidence rising.  “Jasper, too.  We’ve both recently been through something - not exactly similar, but at least there are parallels.”

“We weren’t monsters,” Jasper objected.  A small, scornful noise from above stopped her, and her face grew hot.  “I was an asshole, not a monster, Lapis.”

“What a distinction.”

_“We_ were a monster.”  Jasper bit her lip before she could dig herself any deeper.  It wasn’t the time to get defensive and definitely not the time to attack, especially with Pearl here.  “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the whole way I treated you.  It was really bad.  I hope you’re feeling better.  Excuse me.”  She got up and hurried out, her ability to make a dignified exit compromised as always by the mismatch between her dimensions and the front door’s.  She was getting better at twisting and bending her way out, but it would always be awkward.

“I really should do something about that door,” she heard Pearl muse as the door swung shut behind her.  In an effort to take her mind off the Malachite feeling that had clamped onto her in there, she tried imagining Pearl working on that project and herself helping her, but she didn’t know enough about carpenting or whatever it was called to fill in the details.  As she walked along the beach scuffing her feet in the sand, which was still cold from the night dew, she got stuck imagining the part where she’d lift Pearl on her shoulders to work (somehow) on the top of the doorframe, and there were far worse places to be stuck.  Thoughts of being close to Pearl, for a good reason, being helpful and useful to her, and incidentally being lightly sat on were all good antidotes to a Malachite funk.  It also helped that the tide was out, as if the sea had decided to be considerate and give her some space.

Heavy paws padded up behind her and Lion headbutted her above the knee.  “Hi, furball,” she said, and scratched behind its ear.  Actually, that was another good Malachite antidote, so she knelt down and hugged Lion and rubbed her face on its mane.  The dry-flower smell was strong and sweet today.  “Love you,” she mumbled, just quietly in case there was someone on a deserted early-morning beach to overhear and make fun of her.  Lion pushed back against her head and sneezed on her shoulder.

“Oh, gross.  You’re my most disgusting friend, you know that?  And I hang out with Amethyst.”  She sat back on her heels and wiped the sneeze off her shoulder, regretted that, and wiped her hand on her leg.  Lion plopped itself down and laid its head in her lap for more ear-scratching, so she obliged.  After a while she heard the distant sound of the door, and saw Steven coming out onto the deck, carefully balancing something in his hands.  She waved to let him know she saw him and things were generally okay, and he waved back, then descended the stairs and started trekking over the sand to her, still carrying what eventually proved to be a tray with a plate of waffles on it.

“You missed out, so I thought I’d bring you yours,” he said.  “I warmed ‘em up for you.”

“Thanks.”  She took the tray from his hands and sniffed at it in a show of appreciation.  She wasn’t much in the mood for eating this morning, but it wouldn’t hurt her, so she picked up a waffle and popped it in her mouth.  “Sorry about back there,” she said around the waffle.  “I didn’t mean to mess up your tradition, but I thought I’d better go before I said something we’d all regret.”

“Thanks.  It’s okay.  I know you weren’t looking for trouble.  And if you wanted to help, I’d be really glad to have you on the team.”

“I’m not sure I could do anything you’d need,” she said, surprised.  

“But you’re really good with animals,” Steven said, pointing to Lion, which had rolled onto its back to get its curly tummy rubbed.  “And Centipeetle’s kind of _like_ an animal at the moment.  She gets spooked easily.  Plus, Pearl said she’d feel better if someone strong like you or Garnet were there each time  to protect me.”

“Pearl said that, huh?”  That made Jasper smile.

“Jasper?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the matter between you and Pearl?  You seem like you like each other these days but you also seem really uncomfortable.”  Steven held Lion’s paw in his own lap and played with the toe beans.

“Well, we do like each other, I think, but it’s hard for Pearl when she likes Lapis too.  I don’t want to put her on the spot or make her feel like she’s got to choose, so it’s easier to back down.  And Lapis is a long way from my favourite person, but she deserves to have a friend.  At least.”

“I’ve tried to tell Lapis how nice you are now but I don’t think she believes me.”

“Yeah, I’m not that surprised.  Don’t worry about it, Steven, it’s not your job to fix it.”

“I just wish all my friends could be friends with each other,” he said sadly.  “Connie says that’s a Geek Social Fallacy, though, and she’s very smart about that type of thing.”  He brightened up.  “Connie’s mom said she could sleep over here tonight, and we were talking about watching a movie I think you’d really like, _Lilo and Stitch._  But I wanted to check with you first because I think parts of it might be scary for you.  Like there are some scenes with the ocean, and big waves, and one where someone nearly drowns, so if you didn’t want to watch it I’d understand and we could have something else.  But the rest of it is really funny and sad and cute and weird and great!  I just wanted you to know that so you could make your mind up.”

“Oh.  Well, thanks for thinking of that.”  She considered it while she rubbed Lion’s belly.  “I think if I know it’s coming up I’ll be okay.  I don’t like getting blindsided.  If you know an ocean part is next, you could give me a little signal and I’d get ready.”

“And if you weren’t having fun, you could give _me_ a little signal and I could skip that scene or change the movie.  What should our secret signal be?”

“You don’t mind having a secret from Connie?”

“This is just a little nice secret.  It’s birthday present-level.”

“You know, I don’t mind if Connie knows I have a problem with the ocean.  I don’t think she’d ever use it against me or anything.”

“Okay, but I still want us to have a secret signal!  Let’s figure one out.”

 

After a lot of anxious preparation, the transfer of Centipeetle to her enclosure in Rose’s room was anticlimactic.  With Pearl, Peridot, Garnet and Jasper hovering watchfully behind him, Steven gently set her down inside a sort of playpen of pink clouds and opened the bubble.  The round green gemstone settled on the clouds beneath it and lay still.  He waited for a while, but she didn’t reform.

“I guess she’s still recovering from when she got hurt protecting me,” he said mournfully.  “That seems like such a long time ago, though.”  He looked up at the others.  “Can any of you even recognise what kind of Gem she’d be?”

Peridot shrugged.  “She’s green.”

“Well, yeah.”

“That implies that she’s tech, intelligence, that side of things.  Warm-coloured Gems are more often involved in practical physical work and combat.  Cool-coloured Gems are more likely to be, well, like me, or artistic, intellectual types.  There are exceptions but that’s the general principle.  She’s kind of an unusual configuration, but then, she’s a lot older than most I’ve seen.  She may have been a custom job, even unique.  She might be an Emerald or a Chrysoprase.  Probably not a Jade.”  She snorted.  “Catch a Jade doing anything as adventurous as going to a new colony.  Or anything other than navel-gazing and advanced abstract mathematical theory.”

“Well, like you said, she could be unique.”  Steven tenderly patted the gemstone, and placed a bowl of chips beside it.  “There you go.  Those are real, not just magic room chips.  Tiny Floating Whale, can you keep Centipeetle company?”  A tiny floating pink whale popped into existence and cooed at Steven.  “Okay.  I want you to keep Centipeetle safe, and comfortable, but not let her get out of this room.  I’ll come back and check on her in a little while.”  The tiny floating whale saluted with one of its fins.

“That is the weirdest flipping thing,” Jasper muttered.  Garnet heard and smiled.

“Well, this room is governed by Steven’s imagination now.  Rose imagined some funny things too.”

“I guess this is as close as I’d ever get to meeting her.  Other than Steven.”  She tried to feel Rose Quartz’s presence, but it was just a nice, warm, soft pink room.  Maybe she was confusing the actual presence of Rose Quartz with the way her dreams about her felt.  Those were always strange and inconclusive, and sometimes mixed her up with Princess Leia.  Then a soft, cool little hand touched her arm and rested there, and neither Rose Quartz nor Princess Leia could hold her attention.  She glanced down and found Pearl smiling up at her.

“These days, I think she’d have liked you.”

Jasper could only smile back like a dummy.  If she’d tried to say something she was fairly sure it would just have been dopey chortling.  Pearl’s hand stayed there a moment more before she drew it back.

Steven was still forlornly petting the dormant gemstone as if hoping that saying he was going to leave would make it wake up and ask him to stay.  He sighed and got up.  “Okay, I guess I’m not doing any good hanging around.  You have a good rest, Centipeetle.  I - I really hope sometime soon you can tell me what to call you that isn’t Centipeetle.  Think about that, okay?  I love you, bye.”  He turned to the others.  “Let’s go.”

“I think that was a good start,” Garnet said as she followed Steven to the door, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“If we went back to the Kindergarten or the moon base I might be able to pick up some equipment that could help, at least to gather information,” Peridot said.  Jasper was just stepping through the door after her when she felt Pearl’s hand on her arm again, drawing her back.

“We’ll be right out,” Pearl called as the door closed.

“Um,” Jasper said, finding that her mouth had dried up.  “Yeah?”  She turned toward Pearl and went to one knee to get closer to her eyeline; it seemed only polite, although the part of her mind that still ran on automatic from training couldn’t understand why she would reduce herself like that.

“I hoped we could talk,” Pearl said.  Her hands were fluttering around like nervous butterflies.

“About before, I want you to know that I won’t ever bother you about that again -”  

“No, please, let me say this.  I wanted to explain the inconsistent way I’ve been behaving.  I know it must have been terribly confusing and it’s because I was terribly confused about the way I feel about you.”

“What’s... the way you feel about me?”

Pearl sighed.  “I don’t altogether know yet.  It’s so hard to say.  I think I did better expressing it when I was doing things for you than I can in words.  I - I want to take care of you, I want to make you happy, I want us to be closer.  Very much closer, but the trouble is that this is happening just as I’ve grown so close to Lapis and she needs me so much.  I’ve thought so much about this, and I don’t think it’s fair to you or her if I try to deal with both at the same time.  And now that I blurt all of this out I worry that I’ve blown it out of all proportion in my mind and I don’t really know how you feel.”

“The same way you feel.  I want to take care of you, and make you happy, and to be closer - and I want to _let_ you take care of me, because nothing feels better.  Oh, please don’t cry.”  She reached out to wipe a tear off Pearl’s cheek, then hesitated, because her fingers seemed so big and blunt and clumsy.  Pearl leaned into her hand, though, resting her head against Jasper’s palm, closing her eyes.  She gave a little shuddery sigh and grew very still and calm.

“It’s all right,” she said, looking up and blinking tears away.  “I’m just a little overwrought.  I rehearsed this so many times, and tried to imagine every possible thing you could say so I’d be prepared, and none of them was as nice as that.”

Jasper could feel a huge, stupid smile dawning on her face and a great glow of warmth building in her chest, because she’d somehow said just the right thing.  She couldn’t think of a thing to follow it up with.

“And of course,” Pearl went on, “I want you to know that I really wasn’t upset with you for kissing me.  I panicked.  I do that, I’m afraid, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really stop doing it.  It might be because I really wasn’t made for all the things that I’ve done, and that’s just what happens if a Pearl tries to do too much.  Well, anyway.”  She lifted her head and smiled, reaching out to touch Jasper’s cheek in return.  “You look like a sunrise.”

“I - I don’t know what to say, I just - what do you want to do now?”

The smile faded.  “Well, that’s the hard part.  I didn’t want to leave you not knowing, or to go any longer not saying, but I don’t think we _can_ do anything with this just yet.”

“Because of Lapis?”

“Because of Lapis.  It’s so difficult.  I don’t want to keep her in the dark either, that wouldn’t be any way to support her.  I’m not looking forward to that conversation.  But then, I was so nervous about this one too.  I wasn’t going to try today, but being here I suddenly felt as if Rose was encouraging me.”

“Thank you, Rose!”

“And you probably have _no_ idea how mixed up I am about that.  But perhaps it could be all right.  I hope so.  You know that I love her, don’t you?  I can’t imagine that I ever won’t.  It’s part of who I am.”

“I think I get that.  I mean, I don’t know all about it but I’ll try to understand.  It doesn’t mean there’s none of you left over for anyone else, does it?”  She tried stroking Pearl’s hair with her thumb.  It felt silky and crisp and feathery.

“For a long time I think it did, but I’m prepared to reconsider that now.”  She closed her eyes again, leaning into Jasper’s hand for a long moment as if drawing strength.  She lifted her head away then, but stepped in closer.  “So I think the position now is, I know how you feel, and I’m so, _so_ happy about that, _dear_ Jasper.”  Her hand slipped from Jasper’s cheek into her hair, and warm shivers chased each other up and down her back.  “But for now what we do is wait and hope, and, well, be friends.”  Her eyes kept straying from Jasper’s eyes to her mouth, and she was leaning in so close that her breathing tickled her lips.  “At least after this.  From before.”

It was her half of the kiss, Jasper thought, warm and sweet and strong, pushing her head back; she wasn’t prepared for how _hard_ Pearl would kiss her or how urgent it felt.  Then it was well beyond half a kiss, and Pearl’s arms were around her and hers around Pearl, and apparently tongues were part of kissing and she was all in favour.  Her knee slipped and she fell on her butt and Pearl kind of scrambled into her lap, softly whimpering and clutching at her hair, and it turned out that _her_ bottom fit perfectly into the cup of Jasper’s hand.  She thought she might be the first person in history to get ravished by a Pearl, and it occurred to her that it might be embarrassing to get ravished with a tiny floating whale watching you.

Pearl abruptly twitched back and whisked her hands out of Jasper’s hair.  “I - I didn’t mean to do that!  Oh, what you must _think_ of me.”  She clapped both hands over her mouth guiltily.

“Didn’t mean to kiss me?” Jasper asked, dazed.

“Mah-maf-muff!”  Pearl lowered her hands a bit and repeated, “Not that much.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay.”  With profound reluctance, she took her hands off Pearl and leaned back on them.  “I didn’t _mind.”_

“I got carried away.  Oh dear.  Excuse me.  I - I need to sit down.”  She sat on Jasper’s leg and fanned herself with both hands.  “I don’t _do_ things like that.  Please don’t sit like that, it’s provocative.”

“But you’re sitting on my leg.”

“Well, straighten out the other one at least.  Thank you.  I’m sorry, that’s not your fault, I’m the one getting into a state.  Oh my.”  She kept fanning.  It made the curls around her forehead flutter.  “And - and looking at me dreamy-eyed doesn’t he - no no no, don’t bite your lip, _oh.”_  She lunged in, pressing her hands to Jasper’s cheeks, and kissed her again fervently before she sprang up and walked away, brushing herself off and straightening her sash, which had twisted up under her arm.  “Ahem, a- _hem._  Oh dear!”  

“Okay.”  Jasper got to her feet.  “You see, I’m helping, because now my face is too high up to reach.”  She stretched, trying to get comfortable.

“No, no, no, if you stick your _chest_ out _-_ I’m sorry, I’m behaving so badly.”

“Are you checking me out?”  Jasper stopped in mid-stretch, startled and delighted.

“Nooooo,” Pearl wailed, covering her eyes - but she was smiling.

“You _are.”_ She bobbed down beside Pearl, took her hand and put it over her biceps.  “Feel that.”

_“Noooooooo.”_  She was giggling helplessly and trying to cover both eyes with her free hand.

“You like that?”  She gave a little flex.  Pearl gave a little shriek and slapped her shoulder, then hid her face against it, breathless with laughter.

“We _need_ to _try_ to keep our hands off each other,” she said, trying valiantly to sound stern.  “At least until I can make things right with Lapis, and prepare her to accept the idea.”

“But… I mean…”  She brushed her fingers against Pearl’s cheek again, and she turned her head to look up at Jasper, hugging her arm now.  “Maybe a little bit, in private?  It’s not as if Lapis ever comes down to my room.”

“It feels dishonest, though.  Underhanded.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  Just… your face.”  She bent and kissed the tip of Pearl’s nose, which made her wriggle her shoulders with delight.  “Okay.  I’ll be good now.  Very good, very patient.”

“Thank you.  Well, we’d probably better show our faces again.  People will talk.”

“Oh, but can I tell my friends?”

“Eeeeeesh,” Pearl said, wincing.  “If you tell Amethyst, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“She’ll just be happy for you.”

“True.  But she’ll be very raucous about it.  Oh well, I suppose I’ll eventually be never hearing the end of it anyway, with any luck.”  She squeezed Jasper’s arm and grinned up at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a point during this chapter during which Pearl almost burst into song but I just didn't quite have the audacity.


	18. Chapter 18

It was not easy to stay calm at a time like this.  Her whole body felt like it was fizzing, and all she wanted was to see Pearl, to talk with her, to touch her and kiss her and scoop her up in her arms and carry her everywhere she wanted to go.  There was no question of sleeping or dreaming to take her mind off it; she had to get Amethyst to let her out at night so she could go running up and down the beach and release a little of the energy coursing through her.  Either cold showers didn’t work on Gems or they didn’t work at all.

Pearl was clearly serious about waiting until she’d made things right with Lapis, but every once in a while she would lapse and flirt shamelessly, and Jasper was surprised and thrilled each time at just what an incorrigible flirt Pearl _was._  She’d had a vague idea of her being shy and inhibited and needing coaxing to be comfortable showing her affection.  Pearl certainly had inhibitions all over the place, and about some really strange things, but not about that.  She’d forget herself and be all inviting eyes and playful touching and sly innuendoes that made Jasper blush to the roots of her hair, all the more because they _did_ come from dainty little Pearl.  Then she’d remember herself and be prim and proper until the next time, which made the next little slip electrifying all over again.

When she told Amethyst and Peridot about it, over corn chips and _Mario Kart_ in Amethyst’s room, Amethyst was equal parts stoked for her and oddly squicked, to use her term, by the thought of Pearl smooching anyone.

“I mean obviously she _needs_ it, like whoa, because _Pearl,_ but excuse me if I throw up in my mouth a little if she starts crawling all over you in public.  Peridot!  You asshole!”

Peridot cackled and accelerated away from the scene of her crime.

“I don’t think she’ll crawl all over me.  She did walk her fingers up my arm today.”

“That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about!  Flirty Pearl.  It’s _weird.”_  

“I don’t know, I think she acts flirty with Garnet sometimes,” Peridot pointed out.

“Maybe I’ve just stopped seeing that ‘cause I’m used to it.  Jasper, you are _awful_ at this game.”

“I know!  How do I stop going backwards?”

After it was well established that Peridot was such an evil genius of _Mario Kart_ that it was unfair for her to play against lesser beings, they fell back on not really watching _Lil’ Butler_ while sprawling around consuming junk food, or in Amethyst’s case just junk.

“I don’t want to pester her about how things are going with Lapis, but I really need to know how things are going with Lapis!” Jasper complained.

“See, what worries me about that,” Amethyst said, “is that Pearl’ll get bogged down trying to make Lapis happy enough that she can tell her without her freaking out and suddenly it’ll be the year 3000 and she’ll still be trying and you’ll still be over here - not that you’re not 100% welcome over here but I bet you’d like options.”

“Wait, what year is it here now?”

“2015?  16?  Around there.  I can’t even remember what they count it from.”

“Isn’t it someone’s birthday?”  Peridot asked.  She was lying on her belly along the back of the couch, which didn’t look especially comfortable to Jasper but apparently worked for her.  She herself preferred sitting on the floor and leaning back against the seat, so she supposed she couldn’t criticise.

“Heck if I know, two thousand fifteen years ago my biggest interests were picking my nose and eating it.”

“You still pick your nose.”

“Yeah, but I don’t eat it.  If you wipe it on the furniture, it disappears.”

“It’s a good thing I love you,” Peridot said, shuddering.

“Anyway,” said Amethyst, “if you need me to get on Pearl’s case about this, I will.  ‘Cause sometimes she really just needs a shove.  A shove with love.  A love shove.”  She shoved Peridot off the back of the couch onto the seat.  “Like so.”

“Ha ha,” said Peridot, slightly muffled by having her head wedged between two cushions.  “You love me.”  She waved her feet feebly in the air.

“Well duh, it’s implied.”

“You want me to get you out of there or will it be more of a personal victory if you do it by yourself?” Jasper asked.

“I have no pride.  Pull me out.”  

“There you go.”  She set Peridot more or less the right way up, and she flopped over into Amethyst’s arms and hugged her so tight she squeaked.  “Wow, you hug her for shoving you?”

“Ah, we just kind of said we love each other.  Like, that was inaugural,” Amethyst said.  She looked pretty happy with Peridot’s head tucked under her chin and her cheek rubbing on the gem on her chest.

_“That’s_ how you two do a declaration of love?  In the middle of a conversation about Amethyst’s nose crap?”

“I think it’s nice if things are spontaneous and natural,” Peridot said defiantly.  “You can stage something special and romantic for Pearl if you want to.”

“Yeah, we’ll help if you need, like, back-up singers or roadies.”

“Gosh, I don’t even know what I’d do.  She’s so _fancy._  I think I need to get to know her better before I know what would make her happiest.  The other thing, Am?  The shove?  I’m not worried yet, but thanks for the offer.  I’ll let you know if I need it.”

“You got it.”  Amethyst held out her hand for a high-five, which Jasper provided.

“And congratulations, you know, on being in love.  That’s nice.  We should go see Vidalia tomorrow, give her the updates.  Also, I don’t want her kid to be upset if he doesn’t get his toy back.  And I mentioned it to Pearl and she gave me eighteen scrunchies she apparently had just sitting in a box.  I think she might be as much of a pack-rat as you, just tidier.”  

“You find that _cute_ now, don’t you?”

“What, the tidiness?  Yeah.”  

“Oh, dude, you’re _petting_ the scrunchie in your hair.  That’s just embarrassing.”

“It’s velvet!  It feels nice!”

 

Jasper kept herself busy, marking out the days.  She went to see Vidalia, she got her head and bust sketched, she actually did help Pearl to put in a bigger front door and thoroughly enjoyed herself, while not understanding carpentry any better at the end than she had at the beginning.  She made a momentous first excursion into Beach City proper while appropriately shrunk down, chaperoned by Amethyst, Peridot and Steven, and experienced a doughnut.  It was interesting, if not quite all it was cracked up to be.  Both humans in the doughnut facility stared at her wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, which was quite gratifying from the short wide one who was cute as a button.  The tall narrow one she could take or leave.  Probably leave.  

Because Peridot and Steven were both excited about it, she also acquired a flimsy cotton garment, a little tight although it was the largest size in stock, with “I FLEXED AND THE SLEEVES FELL OFF” printed on the front.  They sat together on the edge of a wooden walkway eating fries and watched the sun set, and all in all it was very pleasant.  They walked back under a starry sky, and she gave Steven a ride on her shoulders and he hugged her head, which made her feel surprisingly mushy and contented.

“Can you guys see your home from here?” he asked, gazing upward.

“Yep,” said Peridot, and pointed at Amethyst and Jasper and him.  Amethyst tacklehugged her into some poor homeowner’s pampas bush.

 

Late one night, at a stage when she was starting to think she might need to ask Amethyst to deploy a shove, Jasper was in her room laboriously reading _The Unfamiliar Familiar_ , lying on her belly on her bed with Lion sleeping across her legs making her far too warm.  She wasn’t expecting company and was stunned when she heard a footstep, looked up and found Pearl was standing in the doorway.  As quickly as she became _extremely_ happy, she became quite concerned.  Pearl looked shaky and miserable.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, rolling over and sitting up.  Lion thumped onto the floor and shook itself vigorously, offended.

“Can I just come in for a little while?”

“Of course you can.  Come here.”  She held out her arms and Pearl ran in and hid her face against her shoulder.  She could feel her trembling.  “Why are you all wet?”

“I had a fight with Lapis, it was awful.”

“Did she hurt you!?”

“No no no, a verbal fight.  There was splashing but not _at_ me.  I, I had to tell her to stop that or I would leave, and she didn’t stop, so I came here because I just didn’t know what to do and I feel so terrible.”

“Do we need to get everyone together and throw her out?”

“No, no, please don’t get angry.  Please let me just stay for a while.”

“Of course you can,” she said again.  “Of course.”  She folded her arms around Pearl’s body and cupped one hand behind her head.  For a long time Pearl leaned against her stiff and still, with her hands tucked up against her own chest, until she sighed and wound her arms around Jasper’s neck, and the tension in her body softened a little.

“Thank you,” she said softly.  “It would be nice if you stroked my back.”

“Like that?”

“Mm.  You’re a very good comforter.”

“I’m glad you want _me_ to comfort you, I guess.”  She felt Pearl’s head move gently against her neck, nestling in.  “I mean, I’m not glad you’re upset and need comforting, just…”

“I know.”  After a while she drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly and straightened up.  She looked into Jasper’s eys and kissed her lightly on the nose, then turned around and sat down in her lap, leaning back against her.

“You okay?”

“I feel a bit better.”  She tipped back her head to look up at Jasper and managed a small smile.  Hoping she was getting this right, Jasper dropped a little kiss on her forehead, the pearly stone smooth and cool under her lips.  It made Pearl’s smile widen and her eyes drop closed, so it was probably good.

“You want to talk about what happened?”

“Oh… well, we were having such a nice evening and she seemed to be in such a good frame of mind, I tried to tell her a little about how I feel about you now.  She was very upset.  And I was confused, and asked her why she felt that way when she’d said she didn’t want me to dislike you for her sake, and oh, it all just snowballed.  She felt I was siding _with_ you against her, no matter how I tried to explain that I wasn’t and - well, Jasper, you don’t want to _fight_ her or defeat her or anything, do you?”

“No.  I mean, what would be the point?  I was doing everything I did for Yellow Diamond, and I don’t even know how I feel about her any more.  It wouldn’t help anything or anyone I care about to beat up on Lapis.”

“But she doesn’t believe that.  She’s so sure you’ll attack her again somehow, or that _something_ will go wrong, not necessarily you but something, and she won’t be safe any more.  And she said - and she said the most awful thing.”  Pearl gathered her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them.  “She asked me what was the point of fusing with me if I wasn’t going to be on her side.”

“I - I can hear that that’s really bad to you, and it really hurt you, but I don’t understand all about why.”  Jasper was annoyed with herself for not even being able to say that she didn’t understand in an articulate way.

“Because it seems as if she thought of it as a quid pro quo, or - or a way to bind me to her - I don’t really understand _what_ she thought any more but it certainly wasn’t what I thought or felt or thought _she_ thought or felt - I thought she understood what it meant to me and that I’d been able to give her the same experience that I love so much.  Now I don’t know at all.  I feel so stupid and - and almost as if I took advantage of her without meaning to.”

“Not like she took advantage of you?”

“Well, no, because I _know_ what fusion means and she so plainly doesn’t.  I can’t blame her for that.”

“I… don’t think I know either.”

Pearl twisted around and wrapped her arms around Jasper’s waist, resting her head against her chest.  “I hope you will one day, I really do.”

“I hope Lapis calms down and figures out you _are_ on her side, too.”

“You’re so generous.”

“I’m _trying_ really hard to be generous.  It’s not like it comes naturally.  It’s more like - have you ever seen that cartoon movie _Beauty and the Beast?”_

“I’ve watched it with Steven, I think.  Does it have a singing teapot?”

“That’s the one, and there’s this part where Belle wants to leave to take care of her sick father, and all the Beast wants is to keep her with him, but he says to go.  And she says, ‘Thank you for understanding how much he needs me,’ but I didn’t think it was that at all.  I mean, I don’t think he didn’t _care_ about her father but I thought it was because he understood how much _she_ needed to do it because she was so kind and brave.  Like it was _because_ she was kind and brave that she didn’t just run away to safety after the fight with the wolves, she got him back home and took care of him and stayed after that because she wanted to, because she cared about him, she was...  

“The reason why she stayed then is the reason why she needed to go now and that’s also the reason why he loved her so much so - I mean - I’m not good at explaining it, but it would be like he _wasn’t_ loving her if he told her to stay even if he wanted her to stay _because_ he loved her.  And that would spoil everything even if she was still there.  And you know, if he could let her go for that even when he thought it meant his spell would never be broken and maybe he’d never be able to see her again, I can at least try not to be a jealous idiot when you’re just trying to be a good friend.”  

She felt Pearl’s arms tighten around her waist, with a sense of relief that she’d managed not to just babble incoherently.  Connie would have said it about ten times better; she had so many smart things to say about _Beauty and the Beast_ that listening to her made Jasper feel like she needed to watch it a hundred times more to notice all the things Connie saw and understood.

“You get jealous of me?” Pearl asked softly.

“Yeah, of course I do.”

“Well, I don’t want to _encourage_ that sort of thing, but I don’t think anyone’s ever _been_ jealous of me before, and I must say I’m tickled.”

“Oh come on.  I bet it’s happened and you just didn’t know it ‘cause you’re so modest.  Anyway, yeah.  Don’t give me too much credit for being generous when I just don’t want to wreck things by trying to keep you to myself.”

Pearl just squeezed her tighter.

“Watch out or I’ll go poof.”

That got a small laugh, and Pearl lifted up on her knees to look into Jasper’s face, placing her hands on her cheeks.  “Oh, Jasper.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re here, that’s all.  I’m glad you’re here and you’re you.”

“Is this a bad time when you’re upset, or could I kiss you?”

“Please do.  I think it’s just what I need.”

Pearl’s nose was very cold, but her mouth was warm and eager and her fingers stole into Jasper’s hair in the very particular way that made her feel like warm jelly.  She was still finding her own way to touch Pearl, to wrap her hands around her and really feel her without it seeming like she’d snap like a twig.  She was so _strong,_ though, so wiry and light and firm, and she pressed herself up to Jasper’s body so hard, so fearlessly.  It was pretty damn encouraging, and it was drawing hoarse little moans up in her own throat to match the sweeter little hums in Pearl’s.  

Pearl drew back from the kiss, but rested her forehead against Jasper’s, breathing hard.

“What do you want?”

“Oh, a bit of everything.  Probably far too much.  I think I should try to calm down a little bit.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I think I do, though.  Just because I’m getting a touch overwhelmed.  I’m very _very_ out of practice.”

“Okay.  No rush.  Want to lie down and I can cuddle you?”

“I think that’s a good idea.”  Pearl curled up on her side, and Jasper curled around her, facing her.  She was pretty sure curling up to her back was more conventional but she just wanted to be able to see her face.  It was so nice like this, with Pearl gazing up at her, and reaching up to stroke her cheek with the backs of her fingers.

“You’re so pretty,” she said fondly, and then felt like a big dope stating the obvious.  It just made Pearl smile, though.

“I just love your stripes,” she said.

“Oh?  Yeah, I’m pretty proud of them.”

“Are they like a Jasper beauty mark?”  She ran one hand up from Jasper’s wrist towards her elbow, following the lines.

“They’re more like - you know scars?”

“Scars?”  Her hand slowed down.

“Yeah.  If you ever see a Jasper who’s just clear light orange all over, either she’s really young or she’s _really_ good at dodging, and it’s more likely to be the first thing because we’re not all that agile.  Not like you.  I mean, you were made for dancing, and now you fight and it’s still like you’re dancing.  Anyway, we’re made to just take a hit and keep fighting.  But each time you take too many hits and have to reform, you come back with more of the dark orange stripes.  And every stripe is a time you were ready to die for your Diamond.”  Her pleasure in the thought was fading even as she spoke.  “I’m not sure I like ‘em so much any more.”

“They’re still beautiful,” Pearl said firmly.  “I didn’t notice you had new ones, though.”

“Well, not to be suggestive or anything, but you haven’t seen all of me yet.”

“You’re terrible,” Pearl said, beaming.

“Oh, _I’m_ terrible?  I can tell you’re going to be a handful.”

“I would hope so,” she said smugly and wriggled in closer for a proper hug.  Jasper kissed the top of her head, breathing in the faint, sweet smell of her.

“Do you want to stay the night?”

“Yes, please.”

“I hoped you would.”

“Jasper?”

“Mm?”

“Do you sleep a lot?”

“I guess?  I never did before I came here.  It’s a good way to relax and it passes the time when nothing’s happening.”

“Don’t the dreams bother you?”

“Some of them, yeah.  I have dreams where I’m Malachite again.  Or where Yellow Diamond hates me.  Or one really messed-up one where I was Malachite in front of her and she was disgusted.  I mean, she _would_ be disgusted if she could see me these days, but that’d be her problem.  I know that when I’m awake, but I can’t remember it when I’m dreaming and I just feel like the lowest piece of dirt in the universe.  I wake up thinking that’s what really happened and I’m going to have to live with it - so it’s a big relief when I realise it was only a dream.”

“The few times I’ve dreamed, it started out well and then turned completely weird and I woke up wondering what was the matter with me.  Once I dreamed that I was dancing with you and Rose - twirling back and forth between you and just feeling light as air and so happy.  And then, pizza.  Just pizza everywhere.  It was grotesque.”

“That does sound like a weird one.”

“Your hair turned into melted cheese.”

“Gross!”

“And of course, that was at a stage when I still wasn’t sure I liked or trusted you - but I was happy for the first part.  Perhaps I had an intuition that you were going to be all right.”

“Or you just thought I was hot even if I was a big jerk.”

“There is that.  I would get so _annoyed_ just at the physical reaction I had to you!”

“Tell me about it.  ‘This is ridiculous!  Why do I go so stupid whenever I’m around her?  Why is my face so hot, why are my hands so big, why is my mouth so dry?’”

“Is your mouth dry now?”

“Nah, I think I got over that symptom.”

“I’m glad.  Kisses, please?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was torn between wanting to write some Actual Sex at this point, as opposed to just implying it the way I have with Amethyst and Peridot, and feeling that it didn't fit the established tone and style of the story. After some discussion with helpful commenters I decided the best approach was to write that but post it as a separate work which is entirely optional. If you would enjoy reading Jaspearl sex, you can find it here: [Side-Step.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6030193) If you wouldn't, you can go on to the next chapter of the story proper and it shouldn't make any difference. Either way, I hope you enjoy what you read.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was torn between wanting to write some Actual Sex at the end of Chapter 18, as opposed to just implying it the way I have with Amethyst and Peridot, and feeling that it didn't fit the established tone and style of the story. After some discussion with helpful commenters I decided the best approach was to write that but post it as a separate work which is entirely optional. If you would enjoy reading warm fluffy Jaspearl sex, you can find it here: [Side-Step.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6030193) If you wouldn't, you can go on to Chapter 19 and it shouldn't make any difference (any reference to how Jasper and Pearl spent the night together will be oblique). Either way, I hope you enjoy what you read.

“Jasper.  Jasper, wake up!”  

She opened her eyes drowsily and saw, not Amethyst come to get her up in the usual way, but Pearl leaning over her.  A huge smile bloomed on her face and she reached out to touch her cheek.  Pearl looked worried, though.

“What’s wrong?”

“You were asleep so long, I thought I would go and see if Lapis had calmed down, and she’s gone.  I can’t find her anywhere.”  Her voice was a frantic whisper, as if she was afraid someone would overhear them.

“You mean she’s not in your room?”

“Or anywhere in the Temple, as far as I can tell.  I didn’t want to disturb Garnet or Amethyst and Peridot, but I don’t see how she could have gone into their rooms without their noticing.  Please, come and help me find her.”

“She’ll want to see me even less than she wants to see you right now, though.”

“Please, Jasper.  I’m going to have to tell the others.  Please at least be with me for that.”

“Of course I will.  I’ll help you any way I can.  Give me a second to get some clothes on.”  She reformed them in a hurry, forgetting her resolution before falling asleep, with Pearl’s head on her chest, to change the diamond to a star for her.  She remembered it a moment later, but Pearl was looking so antsy she didn’t have time to think her way through doing a different version of something that had been automatic all her life.

Pearl wanted to talk to Amethyst first; she seemed to think she’d be more sympathetic, or perhaps less disappointed.  She also seemed to be thinking of the situation as something she’d done wrong, as opposed to Lapis going off in a huff somewhere without having the decency to tell anyone.  So they went along to Amethyst’s room, where Amethyst and Peridot were curled up like kittens in a tangle of grubby blankets.

“Oh, crud,” Amethyst said once she’d grasped the gist of it.  “Have you checked if the ocean’s still there?”

Pearl’s hand flew to her mouth.  “I didn’t even think of that!  Wait here.”  She dashed out.

“Why would the ocean not be there?” Peridot asked, sitting up and scratching her head sleepily.  She was wearing another sweatshirt far too big for her, this time shabby heather grey with MISKATONIC U stencilled on the chest, and crumpled blue boxer shorts with a pattern of roosters.

“Last time Lapis took off in a snit, she changed the tides and piled all the water in the ocean into a tower, trying to get to space,” Amethyst explained.  “The seabed looked like a desert.”

“She is so _dramatic,”_ Peridot grumbled.  “I mean, she’s had a hard time but you should have heard her _whining_ on the trip here.  Woe is me, in five thousand years Homeworld changed a bit.  Some people just don’t appreciate progress.”

“Well, Pearl’s really upset, so try to be sympathetic, all right?”  Jasper squatted down beside them.   _“By the way she spent all night with me in my room and it was amazing,”_ she whispered.

“Don’t need to know!” Amethyst cried.  “TMI!”

“We were mostly talking, if it helps.  Hey, what’s a tiger-lily?”

“Why?”

“‘Cause apparently I’m her tiger-lily, but I don’t know what lily means.  Also her sunflower, which I get is a flower but I’m not sure about the sun part.”

“They’re both flowers,” Amethyst said.  “Tiger-lilies are big and pretty and orange, sunflowers are big and pretty and yellow.  That’s all I got.  She’s giving you schmoopy pet-names now, huh?”

“And I told her she’s my princess,” Jasper admitted.

“Equal parts barf and congratulations.  Here comes the princess now.”

Pearl came pattering back in.  “All the water’s still there, thank goodness.  I just don’t know where she could have gone.  I’ll have to tell Garnet.”  She looped both her arms around Jasper’s left and pressed her head against it.

“You say that like you think Garnet’s going to be mad at you,” Jasper said, “but if she is I don’t think that’s fair, because you didn’t make Lapis take off.”

“But I’m responsible for her,” Pearl said fretfully.

“Who says?” Amethyst asked.  “I don’t mean we don’t try to find her, I just mean I figure she’s responsible for herself.”

“Then I _feel_ responsible for her.  It amounts to the same thing.  Ohh, I don’t want to tell Garnet!”

“Does Garnet beat you up or something?  Why are you so scared to tell her something went wrong?”  Jasper gathered her into the crook of her arm.

“Naw, Pearl just hates letting her down,” Amethyst said. “I guess we both do.  We look up to her a lot, that’s all.”

“How is this letting Garnet down, though?” Peridot asked.  “I’m with Jasper on this, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know,” Pearl said wearily.  “Well, let’s get it over with.”

 

Despite Amethyst and Pearl’s angst, Garnet seemed to take the news calmly, if briskly.  They found her doing laundry up on the Temple statue’s hand, unloading a remarkable quanity of damp red teeshirts from the washing machine.

“Where have you looked for her so far?” was her first question.  

“My room, Amethyst’s, Jasper’s, though of course I didn’t expect to see her _there,_ the kitchen, the bathroom, the burning room, the broom closet…”

“Pearl.”  Garnet held up a hand to quiet her.  “I’ve been meaning to ask.  How is Lapis operating the Temple door by herself?”

Pearl looked acutely guilty.  “I gave her the Skeleton Stone.  I thought it would save trouble.”

“So she can get into anywhere,” Garnet said flatly.  “And she can use the warp pads without restriction.”

“At least not the Galaxy Warp,” Peridot pointed out.  “That’s still out of commission, so she has to be on this planet somewhere, right?”

“Think about how long it took us to find you, though.  If you hadn’t decided to kidnap Steven, you might still be on the loose.”

“When did you kidnap Steven?” Jasper asked, surprised.

“You’ve kidnapped him too,” Peridot said defensively.

“Taking prisoner and kidnapping are two different things - no, that’s not the point, I just mean I didn’t know that happened.”

“That’s behind us,” Garnet said, dumping the shirts into the tumble-drier.  “The point is, if Lapis is pad-hopping we’ve got our work cut out for us.  I suppose she may just be under the sea, but then she’ll be just as difficult to find as Malachite was.”

“Yeah, we kind of suck at finding people,” Amethyst said.

“We’d better tell Steven and get cracking, then.”

 

Lapis crouched with her skirts tucked in around her, peering into the cloudy enclosure.  She had tried calling every green-gem name she could think of, Jade, Emerald, Beryl, Serpentine, Vermarine, Chalcedony, Aventurine, Bloodstone, but the Centipeetle showed no more reaction to one than to another.  She thought it _looked_ like a Chalcedony, somehow, as much as such a strange creature could, so she was calling it Chalcedony for now.

“You and I should stick together, Chalcedony,” she said softly.  “You can count on me to tell you the truth.  I’ve got nothing to lose, you see.  Pearl, now, Pearl won’t _try_ to deceive you but you still can’t count on her.  Her loyalties are all over the place and she’s frankly very neurotic.  I wouldn’t trust the other two an inch.  They knew, I’m sure of it.  Peridot belongs to Amethyst now, so she can’t be trusted either.”  She held out her hand, palm down and limp, hoping it looked gentle and non-threatening.  

“The less said about Jasper the better.  I know she’ll come after me sooner or later, but I plan to make it hard for her.  Steven is good.  You can trust Steven for the most part, but the trouble is he cannot or _will_ not see them for what they are.  You know this place, Chalcedony, you know what it does to Gems.  We shouldn’t be here.  We should never have come.  But now there’s nowhere else to go.”  Chalcedony approached slowly, sniffing at her hand, her mandibles quivering.

“Home’s gone.  Blue Diamond is gone.  Was she your Diamond too?  Probably.  She cast me off and I still miss her every single day.  I was her favourite, you know, until I went too far.  Everyone knew who I was.  And what does it mean now?”  Chalcedony’s spiny mandibles very gently nibbled at her fingers, exploring them one by one.

“I know, nothing.  Exactly nothing.  This.”  She blew a small raspberry, and Chalcedony twitched away from her, nicking her fingertip.  “Ow!  I’m sorry.  Know your audience, Lapis.”  She sucked her fingertip.  Chalcedony had scuttled over to the other side of her enclosure and was watching her warily.  “It’s okay, Chalcedony.  I won’t hurt you.”  She tried dangling her hand again, but Chalcedony only chittered at her.  At least she wasn’t spitting acid.  “I’ll wait.”

Behind her, she heard the door open, and she sprang around to face it.  It was only Steven, though, calling out, “Hey, ‘peetle,” as he came in, and stopping in surprise when he saw her.

“Lapis!  Everyone’s looking for you.”

“What for?”

“You had a big fight with Pearl and took off, she said.  We were all worried about you!”  He ran up and hugged her tight, the bag of chips in his hand crinkling and crunching against her back.  “I was just coming to make sure Centipeetle was okay before we all went out in search parties.  I’m so glad you’re all right.”

_It saves you all the trouble of recapturing me,_ Lapis thought sourly, and then regretted it because of course Steven wouldn’t see it that way.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed, giving a grand double-take over her shoulder.  “Centipeetle’s up!  I mean she’s out!  I mean she’s awake again!  Remember me?”  He stretched out his hand to the creature, and she let him touch her head and scratch her mane while he chuckled with delight.

“I didn’t realise there would be a fuss just because I left Pearl’s room,” Lapis said.

“Well, you didn’t just leave.  You had a really big bust-up, didn’t you?”  He drew back and looked anxiously into her face.  “Pearl said you were all upset because she told you she likes Jasper.  If it helps, _I_ didn’t know she liked Jasper, not _liked_ her liked her.  I - I guess you like Pearl too, and that’s why you were so upset?”

“I’m not in love with Pearl, if that’s what you mean.  I just made the mistake of thinking she was someone I could depend on.”  Lapis rested her elbows on her knees and her chin on her arms.

“But she is,” Steven said.  He looked baffled and a tiny bit hurt.  “Pearl really cares about you, and that means she’ll be there for you no matter what.  I’ve known her all my life.  I know.”

Chalcedony had put her forelimbs up on the side of her pen and was softly hissing for Steven’s attention.  He popped open the bag of chips, knelt down and dropped a few into her jagged maw.  “There you go.  Good ‘peetle.”

“I’ve been calling her Chalcedony,” Lapis offered, twisting to rest her arm on the cloudy barrier.  “Steven, what are these pink clouds?  They’re not water vapour.  I can’t do a thing with them.”

“I have nooooo idea.  Chalcedony?  Chalcedony, that’s such a pretty name.  Well, it might not be _your_ name, but it’s a Gem name and that’s got to be better than Centipeetle, right?  And you can tell me your real name any time you want.  Any time, okay?”  He offered the chip bag to Lapis.

“Thanks, I don’t.”

“But you could feed her and make friends.”

“Oh, okay.”  She took out a chip, although she didn’t like the grainy, greasy feel of it, and offered it to Chalcedony, who snapped it up eagerly.  Steven tossed a chip above Chalcedony’s head and she leapt up to nip it out of the air.

“Clever girl!”

“Can I do one?”  Lapis tried gently throwing a chip and Chalcedony caught it too.  Steven beamed at her.

“I’m just gonna tell the others you’re okay.  Be right back.”  He hopped to his feet and scurried off.  Lapis carried on tossing chips for Chalcedony.  She didn’t feel like giving Pearl the satisfaction of seeing her at the moment, and she knew that was spiteful and mean, but she was staying put.  Besides feeling spiteful, she felt ashamed.  Pearl had been crying last night, as much as she had.  What did she have to go and say all that for?  

Steven was back and settling down beside her.  “So why’d you come in here?” he asked curiously.  

“Oh, I didn’t want to be in Pearl’s room any more.  I didn’t really have anywhere I wanted to go.  I thought about going down to the sea, but then, I don’t know why, I thought of Chalcedony.  I wanted to see her for myself.  I wanted - I suppose I wanted to see if she was anything like me after all.”

“You know why she’s like you?” Steven asked.

“Why?”

“Because she made friends with me when she couldn’t even talk.”  He gave her an affectionate nudge with his shoulder.

“I wonder if she felt the same way I did.”  Lapis reached out and found that yes, Chalcedony would permit her to stroke her mane.  

“How was that?”

“Oh, that desperate hope.  That stunning moment when you looked at me and seemed to see _me,_ not a thing.  You couldn’t have thought I was a person, but you were… open.  And I thought, maybe this is it, maybe this is finally _it,_ maybe someone will _see me,_ and it won’t just be this weepy Pearl with her endless demands to see Homeworld.  I tried so hard for so long to reach her, Steven!  She was my hope, and… well… but then there was you, and you _did_ see.  Right, Chalcedony?  That’s right.  Once you saw me, I just had to find a way to communicate.  Repetition worked.”  She smiled.  “Understanding what would make you laugh.”

“I didn’t know that about you and Pearl.  From before.”

“To be fair, I never have figured out her sense of humour.  That was always how I made my way.”

“How do you mean?”  He rested his arms along the edge of the enclosure and laid his cheek on his arms.

“Well, have you ever been at court?”

“No.  I’ve never even been in a police station.”

“I mean the court of a ruler, like a Diamond.  You need to be noticed, and you want to be remembered, but for the right reasons, not for anything embarrassing.  You need to secure favour and patronage, and sucking up isn’t enough on its own.  Some can do it with beauty, some with gallantry, some with an entertaining talent.  My way was wit and humour.  I could always make Blue Diamond smile.  Sometimes she laughed!  And I was special because of that.  I could say things other people couldn’t - I could be _cheeky,_ and she loved me for it _._  But one day I took it too far.  I was just a hair off target, and Blue Diamond thought I was criticising her.  It was so awful.  Everyone went so quiet.  And she said… she said, ‘You no longer amuse me, Lapis Lazuli.  Be of some use to me.’  And… and that was that.  They took me away and found a use for me.”

Steven was staring at her aghast.  His eyes were welling up with tears, and he took a deep, hitching breath as they began to stream down his cheeks.

“Lapis, you don’t have to make me laugh.  I don’t care if you never make me laugh again.  And I don’t care if you criticise me!  If you think I’m doing something wrong, you tell me, okay?  Friends can do that.  I _need_ my friends to do that.”

“But I love hearing you laugh!  Steven, you’re not a Diamond.  It’s not like that at all.  Please don’t be upset.  Look!”  She waved her hand and the teardrops flew from his face, collecting in the air a few inches from his nose to form a slowly revolving, wobbling sphere.  With a few deft gestures, she fashioned it into a little salty Centipeetle, shaking its mane, and then a silvery fish with fluttering fins.  Awe and joy grew on his face.  She felt like a sham, because she knew she was still just trying to entertain him, but there was a difference between entertaining someone to curry favour and entertaining them because it hurt you in the chest and the belly to see them sad.  She made the fish swim through the air to beep him on the nose, and at last he laughed and her heart lifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An alert commenter pointed out that Peridot makes a mistake in this chapter, assuming that Lapis would have to use the Galaxy Warp to leave the planet when she's actually capable of independent space flight with her water wings. I realise now that this could cause confusion, so I'll explain: yes, that's Peridot making a mistake, her statement isn't intended to be correct. Nobody bothers to correct her because that's not their main focus right now. Knowing what happened to Lapis the last time she flew away, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl are assuming she wouldn't do the same thing a second time and must be somewhere on Earth looking for a place of her own, and possibly causing damage in the process. And Jasper, well, Jasper is seldom fully on top of events at the best of times, also she just got laid and is thinking with a head full of happy marshmallow fluff right now. Someone may need to set Peridot straight about that later.


	20. Chapter 20

“I can’t believe her,” Peridot grumbled.  “She gets us all into a panic and she’s just visiting the petting zoo.”  She was stamping a circle of indignation around the coffee table.

“I wasn’t panicking,” Amethyst pointed out from the couch.  “Were you panicking?”

“Well, no, but I was very concerned.  And it was inconsiderate!  She could at least have had the decency to be trapped under a big rock or something.  I had to get up early!”

Garnet leaned in and scooped her up under the armpits and the fight went out of her, although she kept stamping in the air for a moment.  Then she dangled limply from Garnet’s arms with her sweatshirt sleeves flopping over her hands and a deeply disgruntled expression.

“It all turned out all right, so don’t dwell on it,” Garnet said.

“Ugh, I know.  I _was_ worried, though.  The only reason I _didn’t_ panic was knowing she couldn’t leave Earth and bring more trouble down on us.”

“She could totally have left Earth,” Amethyst said.

“What?”

“What, did you think she warped back last time?”

“Oh my stars, you’re right!  Lapis Lazulis have independent space flight.  It’s one of the reasons the line was discontinued!  I’d forgotten - how did I forget that?  My brain on its own is _terrible.”_  She dug her dictaphone out of some recess of her sweatshirt and clicked the REC button.  “Supplementary log entry.  Lapis can fly.  Don’t forget Lapis can fly!”  She clicked it off again.  “Is there any way we can _stop_ her flying?”

“There’s probably no need,” Garnet said, depositing her on the couch beside Amethyst.  “First, flying away didn’t go well for her the first time.  I didn’t expect her to do it again.”

“Second,” Pearl added, “I can’t think of anything more guaranteed to destroy any remaining trust between her and us.”  She was sitting in Jasper’s lap as she sat on the floor, leaning back against her chest.  Garnet glanced over to her and nodded.

“What does worry me,” she said, “is the damage Lapis could do if she went off looking for a place of her own.  She’s not inclined to be careful of people who aren’t Steven.”

“I’m so sorry,” Pearl began, but Garnet held up her hand.

“This isn’t your fault, Pearl.  You’ve made more effort with her than any of us, and we left it up to you and Steven. That was all right to begin with but we should all have started trying to connect with her before now.  Well, Amethyst and me, anyway.”

“Amethyst has been busy helping me with Jasper, though,” Peridot pointed out.  “And look how well she’s turning out!”

“I’m right here,” Jasper said, irked at being discussed like a project.

“I know.  Look at you!  Turning out well!”  Peridot pointed at Jasper.  “Bonding with people, comforting Pearl when she’s upset, assimilating nicely thanks to your mentors.  In fact, since Jasper _is_ doing so well, I _could_ attend to Lapis too, although it could interfere with my commitment to rehabilitating the Centipeetle.”

“Babe,” Amethyst said, putting one hand on her shoulder, “you know that thing you do where you think you’re being really reasonable and convincing and you need to just stop and look at the reaction you’re getting?”

“Yes, but - oh.  I’m doing it, aren’t I?”

“Just a skosh.”

“Sorry, everyone, as you were.”  Peridot subsided in her seat.

“There might be something else you could be doing, though,” Garnet said.  “You and Pearl.  We managed to get to the Cluster with some time to spare, but we’re getting close to the time it would probably have blown, aren’t we?”

“That’s right,” Peridot said, nodding.  “That’s right, and Yellow Diamond will surely be monitoring activity in this sector of space so she can send a retrieval team once the Cluster hatches.  They may even be standing by at a safe distance.”

“This isn’t my area,” Garnet said, “but would there be any way to fake a signal so that it appeared the Cluster hatched but wasn’t viable?”

“You mean so she’d think the Earth was gone, but there was nothing useful to reclaim?”  Pearl asked,  touching her chin thoughtfully.  “That would be difficult.  We’d have to not only create the initial illusion but maintain it, and that would require complex and powerful equipment.  Certainly more than we have on Earth at present.”

“Moon base?” Peridot suggested hopefully.

“The answers to all our problems aren’t on the moon,” Garnet said.  “There are things up there that are best left alone.”

“Maybe…” Pearl said, and trailed off.  “Well, there are a lot of human-made satellites in orbit these days, transmitting television, radio, GPS data, all sorts of things like that.  There might be some way to get them to transmit signals for us, but of course it’d be regarded as a hack and shut down as quickly as possible.  I don’t see how we could explain what we were trying to do and get permission without inciting panic and having to talk to a lot of very tiresome, self-important men in suits.  And then, major interference with global satellite systems could also incite panic.  All their little factions would blame one another and fight worse than they do already.”

“So how hard can it be to program something they wouldn’t notice?” Peridot asked.  “We’re both smarter than they are.  We could keep moving from satellite to satellite and have each one send just a small part of our signal.  They’re divided into factions, right?  So nobody is monitoring _all_ the satellites in a way that would let them notice a pattern of activity, and we could randomise it anyway.  Plus, they don’t communicate with any other planets so why would they even be looking for outgoing transmissions?  I think we could pull it off.”

“It would take a lot of research into the different systems they use,” Pearl said, “and we’d have to bridge the gaps between a lot of incompatible software.  That would take time I don’t think we have, especially with only you and me working on it.  And in the end, it would only be a delaying tactic.  It would only take someone deciding to make an eyeball check to prove that it was all fake.”

“True,” Garnet said.  “I suppose I was just hoping to stave off the inevitable.  We’ve got Yellow Diamond’s attention and sooner or later she _will_ want to know what’s happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Peridot said.  “That’s my fault.”

“It’s not _your_ fault Yellow Diamond’s a dink,” Amethyst said, patting her knee.

“I know, but I provoked the dink.”

“Aw, something woulda set her off sooner or later anyway.”

“Probably true,” said Garnet.  “We’re lucky we got as long as we did before she sent you.”

“And look how that backfired,” Amethyst said.

“Amethyst,” Pearl said reprovingly.

“No, a good backfire!  ‘Cause look who we got out of it.”  She gave Peridot a sidehug. “How big of a fail is that?   _Blah, I attack you!_  Oh?  Thanks for making our team stronger with hot babes.”  Peridot giggled.

“You’ve been quiet, Jasper,” Garnet said.  “What do you think?”

“Um,” Jasper said, startled.  She didn’t have a thought in her head about Yellow Diamond, for once; it was all slow-motion replays of her night with Pearl and dopey loved-up daydreams of what might come next.  “Well, I don’t have any good ideas for hiding the planet or anything like that.  If she sends troops, I can tell you all about the tactics they’ll use and the weaknesses to target, and I’ll fight for you, no question.  This planet would be hard to defend, though, especially against today’s weapons… and especially with Steven the way he is.  I just want to protect him from all that.”

Pearl squeezed her hand.  “We know the feeling,” she said.

“So we don’t have any plan better than waiting and trying to come up with something?”  Peridot asked.

“To be fair,” Amethyst said, “that’s been our plan for like, ever.”

“The fact that Earth is such an obscure place has always been our best defence,” Pearl said.

“That’s true,” said Peridot.  “I had a few people offer me their sympathies about this assignment.  They clearly didn’t realise its importance.”

“What, they think Earth sucks that much?”  Amethyst asked, sounding mildly offended on the planet’s behalf.

“Not that it _sucks,_ just that it’s kind of a remote backwater.”

“I think they’d say that if there’s a bright centre to the universe, you’re on the planet it’s farthest from,” Jasper said.

“Did you seriously just quote _Star Wars_ in a conversation?” Amethyst asked.  “P, did you realise your girllfriend was a secret nerd?”

“Jasper is a jewel of many facets,” Pearl said, quietly smug.

“Well, congratulations,” Garnet said, and her voice was warm.

The Temple door opened and Steven stepped out.  “Guys, good news!” he called.  “Centipeetle’s awake.  And we’re going to call her Chalcedony, at least for now.  It was Lapis’ idea.”  She followed him through the doorway, holding his hand, her eyes downcast.

“That’s a nice name,” Pearl said uncertainly.  “And she certainly could be.  I believe there were several Chalcedonies assigned to Blue Diamond’s court as minstrels, and there may have been others.”

“So she could be a musician?  That’s great!  I can play her songs, I bet that’ll help!  We could all take turns singing to her.”

“Oh, Jasper’s not musical,” Peridot said.

“You didn’t think _you_ were musical, but you’ve got perfect pitch,” Steven pointed out.  “Jasper, you should try to sing for Chalcedony!”

“Oh no no no.  No, I’ll do lots of things, but singing is right out.  With my voice?  Not a good idea.”

“Lapis,” Pearl said, very carefully, “would you like to sing?”

“I might,” Lapis said, equally carefully.  She let go of Steven’s hand and walked over to Jasper and Pearl, although she didn’t look at Jasper or acknowledge her.  “I’m sorry I was so angry with you last night.  I don’t understand why you feel the way you do, but you’ve only been kind to me and you didn’t deserve that kind of reaction.  I’m also sorry to have worried you.  I wanted to be alone and I didn’t think about how it might seem to you.”  Her voice was small and formal and polite.

“Oh, Lapis,” Pearl said, her voice trembling.  “I’m just glad you’re all right after all.”  She climbed out of Jasper’s lap to her feet and put her arms around Lapis.  “You’re so dear to me.  Nothing changes that.  It’s why I wanted to share with you how happy I am about Jasper, and why I hope you’ll be able to share your happiness with me, when you find it.  I want to help you find it - I want to be part of it.   _That_ was the point of our fusion, to me.  Do you understand?”

Lapis’ hands had been hanging by her sides while Pearl hugged her, but she slowly raised them and wrapped her arms loosely around Pearl’s waist, lowering her head to rest her chin on Pearl’s shoulder.  She nodded slightly, her eyes still down, then raised them to look up at Jasper, who tried hard to produce a conciliatory smile and hoped it didn’t come out as a snarl or a grimace.  She didn’t _feel_ snarly, despite a mild twinge of “stop touching Pearl she is _my_ Pearl.”  Even with that, it seemed more important to have Pearl’s back on making up with Lapis.  It was a strange look Lapis gave her.  She’d been ready for hostility or anger.  There was some of that, if not as much as she’d expected.  There was a whole mixture of other feelings, though; was Lapis sad?  Scared?  Maybe lonely?  There was a look of _wanting_ , but she wasn’t sure for what.  Then she looked down again and it was too late to try to figure it out.

“I’m not sure I do, but I hope I will,” Lapis said quietly.  “And forming Blue with you does make me happy.  I hope we can still do that.”

“Of course we can.  Whenever you’re ready to.”

“What about tonight?  We should go outside for once.  Dance on the waves under the moonlight!”  She pulled back, holding Pearl’s hands between her own, her face brightening.

“Oh - but - well, tonight may not be the best night for that.  It’s a new moon, so there really wouldn’t be any moonlight to speak of.”

“Starlight, then.”

“We should check the weather forecast before we make plans,” Pearl said.  Without being able to see her face Jasper couldn’t tell if she was stalling or just being cautious.

“To the rescue!” Steven cried, and started busily tapping at the screen of his phone.  “Aw, nuts.  It’s going to rain.”  He brightened up again.  “But rainy nights are good movie nights!  Jasper, I finally talked Connie into letting you see the _Star Wars_ prequels.  We should _all_ have movie night!”

Garnet’s mouth briefly pulled down at the corners, but then she seemed to steel herself.  “Good idea, Steven.  You ask Connie if she’s free.”

“Oh, but I didn’t -” Lapis began, and then trailed off.  “Well, if it’s important to Steven.”

 

Jasper sat cross-legged on the deck, luxuriating in Pearl brushing and braiding her hair.  It was already a cloudy day and there was a brisk wind hurrying the clouds across the sky and kicking up little whitecaps on the sea.  It whipped strands out of Pearl’s hands and made her tut in exasperation.

“We could go back inside,” Jasper offered.

“No, I want the fresh air.  Besides, I like this being our little place to do this little thing.  There’ll be enough days when we can’t do it, especially with winter coming on.”

“That’ll be weird.  I’m not used to seasons.”

“Really?  But Homeworld -”

“Has been climate-controlled for about three thousand years.  I mean, I’ve seen my share of weather in other places, but not been there long enough to get the feel of seasons going round.  It’ll be kind of nice to get back to that.”

“Do they still let it freeze?” Pearl asked.  “I loved the morning frosts we would get - oh, and the skating.”

“Not for a long time.  Every day’s a little sunshine, a little shade, warm and mild, a little rain at night.  What’s a winter like here?”

“Relatively mild, compared to some places on the planet, but it gets greyer and rainier through the fall and winter itself is usually cold, often snowy.  Steven _loves_ the snow, you should see him.”

“Does the sea freeze?”  Jasper asked hopefully.

“I’m afraid you’d need to go a lot further north for that,” Pearl said, tying up the end of the plait and sweeping it over Jasper’s shoulder for her to see.  Perhaps as a consolation for the lack of a frozen sea, she dropped a quick kiss on the back of her neck.

“Ooh!  I get sneaky neck kisses now?”

“Why shut the gate after the horse has bolted?” Pearl asked.  She leaned against Jasper’s back and draped her arms around her neck, resting her cheek against hers.  “I’ll try not to be too flagrant about it, but Lapis will need to get used to us being together.”

“Can I have a small medal for not getting mad when she was pretty much trying to make a date with you right in front of me?”

“No, no medals for just behaving yourself.  But appreciation.  Lapis doesn’t - well, I suppose I can’t really speak for how she feels about me.  I don’t _think_ her feelings are romantic.”

“I’m still not mad, just asking.  How about yours?  Like, were they, or are they, or…”

“It’s more like… they could be under different circumstances.  I don’t think I could be like Rose and love more than one person at a time.  I didn’t even cope very well with Rose loving other people at the same time as _me._  It made me feel so selfish and horrible - and sometimes I really was unkind, trying to drive the competition away.  I have to give you fair warning, if anyone else starts wooing you I may get very territorial.”

“Will you bite ‘em?”

_“Jasper,”_  Pearl said reprovingly, and pressed her cheek closer.

“Don’t worry.  I’m not expecting any woos but if I get any I’ll say thanks but no thanks.”  She picked up Pearl’s hand and kissed the back of it.  “Is that a good kind of kiss?”

“Very good.  You don’t mind me leaning on you, do you?  I don’t want to be clingy but at the same time… well, just being close to you and feeling how warm and solid and strong and safe you are… all right, I want to cling.”

“Why would I _mind_ you snuggling up to me?  If you want to quit walking and just ride everywhere on my shoulders I’m up for it.”

“Oh, don’t tempt me.  I’ll get so lazy.”  She made a weird little sound in between a giggle and a gurgle.  “Oh, but, I do want to sweep down some cobwebs that have built up in the rafters and that would be an excellent pretext for a shoulder ride.”

“You wanna go now?”

“I’ll find the feather duster.”

 

Movie Night actually began around mid-afternoon, to allow for three movies and bathroom breaks and at some point probably pizza.  The rain was already bucketing down when Connie arrived and she came running up the stairs with her umbrella blown inside out and her hair plastered to her head with water, but she was laughing.  Steven hugged her tight and found her a towel to wrap round her head, and they started scurrying around setting up a viewing area.  

Tucked under Connie’s raincoat to keep it dry, which explained the odd shape she had appeared to be and why Steven had gone “Oof!” when he hugged her, was a heavy oblong box with a lens in it that she explained was a projector that you could connect to a computer or a DVD player to play a movie.  She’d wheedled permission from her dad to borrow it.  They tacked a large white sheet to one of the ceiling beams, stretched it taut to the floor and tacked it down there as well, before messing around extensively with Steven’s laptop and the projector to get it working and focused correctly.  Once that was sorted out, more messing around ensued to hook up stereo speakers.  Peridot tried repeatedly to help/take over and had to be deflected or distracted by Amethyst.

“Well, I’m glad I dusted the beams before they started clambering around up there with a tack hammer,” Pearl said, folding her arms with an air of pride.  Jasper, sitting on the floor beside her, a position she was tending to default to when there were a lot of shorter people around, felt as if she’d been patted on the head and rather liked it.

“I don’t understand the satisfaction you seem to get from menial labour,” Lapis said.  She was sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and twiddling around in circles, occasionally pushing against the bar with one hand to keep herself moving.  “You know you don’t _have_ to do those things any more, don’t you?”

“Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.  Mark Twain,” Pearl said, which made Jasper feel very slightly smart for at least knowing that a person called Mark Twain had existed and said stuff.

“It’s hardly play cleaning up... arachnid excretions or whatever those are.”

“Oh, but the satisfaction of seeing them come down is not to be sniffed at.  Anyway, it’s done and the room looks nicer because of it.  I’m going to find some more cushions for everyone to sit on.”  She bustled off busily.

“And _you_ can help her next time if you want,” Jasper said, which she thought was very sporting of her and not at all deserving of the stink-eye Lapis gave her.

“I’m meant for finer things,” she said, continuing to twiddle.  “Things _you_ can’t give her.”

That made Jasper want to shove her off her stupid stuck-up stool, but it occurred to her that it would probably tick Lapis off even more if she didn’t take the bait.  Let her see that she couldn’t take control by provoking her.  “That’s good,” she said, “I wouldn’t want her to miss out.”

She was right; Lapis’ nostrils flared for a second before she regained her composure.  “Huh,” she said.   “The very _idea_ that I would be envious of getting to do _housework.”_

“Can you stop going round and round?  I’m getting dizzy looking at you.”

Lapis twirled on defiantly, glaring at her until her back was almost turned and she had to snap her head round to resume the glare with as little interruption as possible, and Jasper hoped it made her dizzy too.

“You’re not going to win,” Lapis said.

“The only one having a fight here is you,” Jasper said, although she knew that wasn’t quite honest.  She was having a fight with herself about not having a fight with Lapis.  She took a deep breath.  This was either going to help a lot or make everything worse, and she had to punch down every bit of pride she had to say it.  “Look.  I understand if you’re still mad at me or you feel bad or scared around me.  I feel like that too, and I’m really sorry I made you feel that way.  And I understand you really, really care about Pearl.  And I do too.  We both want her to be happy and not worry, right?  So let’s at least have a truce.  Let’s do that for her.”

At first she thought it was “make everything worse.”  Lapis slammed on the brakes, grabbing the edge of the bar to stop her stool spinning.  For a second she looked furious, and then for half a second more she looked like she was going to cry, which made Jasper feel surprisingly guilty.  Then she took a deep breath of her own and said, “Fine.  It’s a truce, then.”  She stuck out her hand stiffly and Jasper hesitantly shook it.  She hadn’t touched her voluntarily since they’d danced.  Lapis’ hands were even colder than Pearl’s, as if they were actually full of cold water.  The cold seemed to race up her arm and strike deep inside her, but the strange thing was that she felt just a trace of what she’d felt when they _first_ became Malachite - not the panic and horror and fury that soon followed, but the exhilaration, the rush.  She had no idea what to make of that.

“Thank you,” she said warily.

“You’re welcome.  May I have my hand back, please?”

“Oh, right, yeah.”  She let go and fought down the urge to wipe her hand on her leg, telling herself it wasn’t actually wet, it just felt that way because it was _cold._  It was a relief that Pearl came back just then, carrying more cushions and pillows than seemed feasible, and she could go and help her arrange them.

When everything was set up and Steven had made and reverently placed on the coffee-table a whole cauldron of popcorn, he and Connie posted themselves in front of the sheet-screen and made orchestra-tuning noises until everyone had sat down.  Jasper had parked herself in the spot that seemed most comfortable, on the floor with a cushion and the seat of the couch behind her back, and had hoped that Pearl would hop into her lap again.  It wasn’t a total disappointment that she sat with her legs tucked up on the couch behind her; she was still close and ideally placed to play with her hair during the show, but Lapis sat next to Pearl and scooched up close to her - she could tell because of the way the couch cushion shifted against her back.   _Truce,_ she reminded herself.  Maybe Lapis was even trying to be nice by sitting close to _her_ as well as to Pearl.  Garnet sat at the other end of the couch with her feet up and Amethyst and Peridot sprawled on the floor on cushions.

“Eh-heh-hem,” Steven said.  “Distinguished cinemagoers, we welcome you to this premiere.”

“It is our painful duty to begin this screening with the following warning, for the good of you all,” Connie went on.  “What we are about to see is _a bad movie.”_

“But it’s _Star Wars,”_ Jasper protested.

“Dude, trust her on this one,” Amethyst said.

“It’s not _all_ bad,” Steven said hopefully.  “I mean, the costumes are beautiful!  And even Connie thinks Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor did a good job.”

_“However,”_ Connie went on, “the following trilogy is rated ‘blah’ for ham-fisted symbolism, foreshadowing with all the subtlety of a mallet between the eyes, weirdly racist alien accents, the worst love dialogue ever committed to film, and I do mean _committed,_ and generally taking the opportunity to make a compelling heroic tragedy about the fall of Anakin Skywalker and the rise of Darth Vader and turning it into… well, you’ll see.”

“Why are we even going to watch it?” Peridot asked.

“To make fun of it,” Amethyst said with confidence.

“That’s one approach,” Connie said.  “Besides that, well, we know Jasper loves _Star Wars_ and I’d rather she saw this material with our supervision and guidance than found out about it on the streets.  And in between the terrible there actually is some interesting world-building and even a couple of characters I love.  And there’s the ‘sake of completeness’ argument, and the fact that, honestly, we are suckers.”

“We know this and we embrace it!”  Steven said proudly.  “So please, as much as you’re able, enjoy our feature presentation.  Can someone get the lights?”

While Connie clicked through the DVD menu, Steven clambered into Jasper’s lap.  “Psst,” he whispered, turning his face up to hers.

“Yeah?” she whispered back, bending over.

“There’s some underwater scenes in the first one, so I’m going to give you the secret signal when they’re coming up.  Two and three ought to be okay, I think they just have some heavy rain.”

“Thanks, kiddo.”

“You’re welcome.”  He settled down with his hands folded over his tummy.

The secret signal they’d agreed on, in the end, was just for Steven to pat her on the knee, which had the virtue of being inconspicuous, something he might do anyway, and kind of comforting.  Anyway, the theme was starting up, which always made her feel good, and she settled in to watch hoping that Connie had been a little too critical.

She spent the next two and a quarter hours vacillating between boredom, bafflement and irritation, with occasional, too brief flare-ups of genuine entertainment.  The underwater scene with the increasingly big fish swallowing each other made her tense up all over, and she might have had to leave the room if it hadn’t been for the comforting presences of Steven sitting in her lap and Pearl perched just behind her, and the general embarrassment of having to explain why she was going.  She couldn’t breathe well until that bit was well over.  There were other impediments to enjoying the movie; Peridot was just in front of her and was the squirmiest movie-watcher she’d ever seen.  She was constantly moving, wiggling her feet, wiggling her butt, changing her position, lunging for popcorn, whispering and giggling with Amethyst, throwing popcorn for Amethyst to catch in her mouth, and it was kind of distracting.

Then the end credits were rolling, and Pearl hit the lights, and Connie asked what everyone had thought.

“What the hell was that?” Jasper exclaimed.

_“Exactly,”_ Connie said.  “I _knew_ you would get it.”

“I haven’t seen _many_ films,” Pearl said, as if picking her words carefully and trying to be kind in case George Lucas or his mother could hear her, “but most of them have been better overall than that.”

Amethyst blew an extremely protracted raspberry.

Garnet was asleep.

“What was all the boring trade embargo stuff?  What was the _point_ of Jar Jar Binks?  Why the midichlorians?”

“I liked the midichlorians,” Peridot objected.

“I’m glad someone did,” Connie said.  “I thought it undercut the whole mystical nature of the Force.  It shouldn’t be something you can measure with a blood test.  And poor Obi-Wan was criminally underused.”

“And that battle with the Gungans and the droids was ridiculous!  No halfway competent commander would - I can’t even get into it without getting mad.  And why did they kill Darth Maul off?  He was so cool-looking and scary!  At least Boba Fett got to be in two movies before he got bumped off far too easy.  And why was it trying so hard to be funny without being funny at all?”

_“I knowwwwwww,”_ Connie howled fervently.

“But!” Steven said, throwing up his hand.  “Padmé.”

_“Padméééé,”_ Connie said wistfully.

“Oh, Padmé’s great, no question.  Why isn’t the whole thing about her?  She’s much more interesting than Anakin.”

_“You understand,”_ Connie whispered and flopped herself dramatically into Jasper’s lap beside Steven.

“So I guess the next movie isn’t going to be about Padmé and her team of gallant handmaidens kicking ass and saving the galaxy from evil?”

“It’s so much worse than that.  The next one has the _love story.”_

Lapis had been quiet until now, but she spoke up with the air of someone who had considered this point long and hard.  “There is something _very_ shady about that Binks thing.  I don’t think he told Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan half the truth about why he was exiled.  And I think he only _pretended_ to be clumsy and stupid so people wouldn’t take him seriously as a threat.  Why was he just standing there in the forest while animals stampeded past him?  I think he was _lying in wait_ to intercept Qui-Gon.”

Connie sprang up and pointed at Lapis.  “Ding-ding-ding!  That’s a _very_ popular fan theory!  You should get a prize.”

“I’ll find a prize!”  Steven bounded up the steps to his loft, spent some time rummaging around and came back clutching a small object.  “Here, a superball with a Squirtle inside!”

“Thank you.  I’ll treasure it,” Lapis said, looking rather doubtfully at the ball.

“Okay,” Connie said, clapping her hands together briskly, which woke Garnet.  “I propose a short intermission before we brace ourselves for _Attack of the Clones._ Then maybe pizza?  Although I don’t know if they’ll deliver in weather like this.”

“I’ll go and pick it up,” Garnet said immediately.

“Awwww, but you’ll miss part of the movie,” said Amethyst, grinning.

“I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.”

The room abruptly brightened, and a moment later the air shook with a tremendous peal of thunder.  Peridot uttered a small scream and tried to hide her head under Amethyst’s tank top.

“You could get struck by lightning,” Amethyst said with a magnificent lack of concern for the fact that she was no longer the only person wearing her clothes.

“I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.”

There was another flash followed by a further roar, and Amethyst put her arms around the quaking Peridot.  “It’s okay,” she said.  “Just thunder, remember?  Like I told you, it’s just clouds banging together.  Picture that, just big fat clouds doing body slams.”

“That’s really not acc - oh, it’ll do for now,” Pearl said wearily.

“Hey, if you come outta my shirt we can wrap up in a blanket and I’ll spoon ya.  Would that help?”

“S-slightly,” Peridot said, extremely muffled.

“Okay.  Come on out and it’s blanket burrito time.”

By the time they were ready to start the second movie the thunder had receded to the middle distance and no longer sounded as if it were going to fall directly on them, but Peridot was still looking jumpy and in need of squeezing and soothing inside the shared blanket each time it rattled around the horizon.

This one was a little better than the first in some ways.  Padmé continued to be wonderful and courageous and gorgeous and to wear absolutely excellent clothes.  Obi-Wan had a lot more to do and was reminding her of Pearl more and more with his slightly prim, worried air, not to mention his beautiful blue eyes and smile that could light up a room.  Anakin, on the other hand, was ridiculous.  The DVD had to be paused on more than one occasion due to outbreaks of indignant screaming about how completely impossible it was that a woman like Padmé, or any woman in her senses, even allowing for heterosexuality, would find that terrible little dweeb appealing.  During the meadow picnic scene Amethyst began burping loudly every time Anakin spoke and nobody even told her to pipe down.  Garnet got up, announced that there was too much frolicking by half in this movie and she was going to get the pizzas, and walked out into the storm.

Peridot had actually been listening to the picnic dialogue, despite the virtuoso burping going on just behind her head, and pointed out that what Anakin was actually proposing was government by a Diamond.  “Which, in context, is clearly supposed to be a bad thing,” she said glumly.

“Don’t you think it’s a bad thing now?” Amethyst asked, surprised.

“I just… ugh.  I still _wish_ it could work.  I still wish she’d been what I thought she was.  Yipe!”  The yipe was in response to another thunderclap which sent her into hiding inside the blanket burrito.

During the fireside conversation no one could even muster up a burp or a snore.  They just sat and stared, incredulous that this was supposed to be how two people formed a relationship, until at last the wretched thing was over.

Jasper had her own particular source of discomfort, and it was the clone army.  She kept telling herself not to take them personally, that George Lucas couldn’t possibly know that armies of near-identical Rubies and Amethysts and Jaspers even existed, that Kamino was not meant to be a Kindergarten, that none of this was a shot at her.  It still raised her hackles.  She was glad Steven had moved out of her lap to sit on a cushion beside Connie, and she drew her knees up and locked her arms around them.  The one nice thing was that Pearl was aimlessly stroking her hair.

With flawless timing, Garnet walked in with a stack of pizza boxes just as the music flared up at the end.  She had been allowed to borrow one of the insulated canvas delivery pouches so they were still dry and reasonably warm, if not piping hot.  She was greeted with cries of relief and gratitude, even from the non-eaters.

“We don’t have to watch _Revenge of the Sith,”_ Connie said as she made a sandwich of two slices of pizza.  “I mean, it’s pretty clear you guys aren’t having fun and I don’t want to inflict any more on you.”

“Oh no no no!  I’m not letting a _movie_ beat me.  I’m in this to the bitter end.”  Jasper went to thump her fist on the breakfast bar but thought better of it and settled for shaking it in the air.

“I just - I mean, you know it has to have a sad ending, right?  You’re prepared for that?  It _will_ be a bitter end.”

“We could save it for another day,” Steven suggested.  “Take a break and come back to it fresh.”

“I vote we power through,” Amethyst said.  “I mean, I feel like we owe it to Padmé and Obi-Wan and Mace Windu, being stuck in such a lousy movie.  And I am enjoying _parts._  It’s like eating around the mouldy parts of an old sandwich, you know?”

“Only you _know,_ Amethyst,” said Pearl, “but I think I can imagine what you mean.”

“I vote for getting it over with,” Lapis said.  “If we have movie night again, surely we can choose something better.”

“I agree with Lapis,” said Garnet, causing Lapis to look at her with some surprise.

“It sounds like we have a majority,” said Pearl.  “I’m sure it can’t get any worse.”

It got worse.  It was actually a better _movie,_ but the order for the clone troopers to kill off the Jedi reduced Jasper to tears.  She was horribly embarrassed and did her best to stifle them with a pillow, but everyone noticed and tried not to show that they noticed, except for Pearl who moved to sit next to her and hugged her arm.  A person as large as Jasper couldn’t cry discreetly.  It wasn’t even that she cared so very much about the Jedi, it was that she had wanted the clones to be better than that, for at least some of them to be better than that.  The worst of it was Commander Cody.  He had acted like Obi-Wan’s friend.  He had found his lightsaber when he dropped it and gave it back to him.  Then when the order came he turned and tried to murder Obi-Wan without a qualm.   _He must have already known about that order when he smiled like a friend and gave back the lightsaber._

And he wore orange, and she knew it was absolutely ridiculous to identify with him so much just because they were both orange, but she had and she had _liked_ him when she thought he and Obi-Wan were friends, and now she felt horrible and it had not helped one little bit that Obi-Wan had fallen into deep water which Steven had forgotten to warn her about.

It went on and on and got worse and worse.  Poor Obi-Wan and Padmé were so miserable and it was all so completely unnecessary because Anakin was so _stupid._ Eventually her tears dried up because she was so astonished and angry.  She waited it out because _surely_ that was a mistake, _surely_ they were going to correct it, and then it was over and they hadn’t and she felt something rip and realised she had been squeezing and twisting the pillow so savagely that she’d torn it in half.

“But that’s _wrong!”_ she burst out.  “Padmé doesn’t _die!_  Not then!  Leia remembers her when she’s grown up!  And Padmé _wouldn’t_ die!  Not unless she was smashed to pieces, and that medical droid said there wasn’t even anything wrong with her!  There’s no way, no way, absolutely no way she would give up like that!”  She was afraid she was going to start crying again and kept talking fast to stop it.  “I mean maybe it would look like she was dead, maybe she passed out from exhaustion, and Obi-Wan would start to cry but then she’d open her eyes and tell him not to worry or something!  Or she might fake her death so nobody would look for her and they could bring up Luke and Leia in secret somewhere and come back when they were grown and strong and ready to fight the Empire!  But Padmé would - _not_ \- die!  She was a _princess!”_

“I thought she was a queen,” Peridot said from the depths of the blanket burrito.  “Isn’t that one up from princess?  And then a senator which I think is part of a different hierarchy entirely.”

“That’s not the point,” Jasper said miserably.  “That’s not what I mean when I say princess.”

Connie came over and hugged her, although her little stick arms didn’t reach far.  “I’m so sorry, Jasper.  It makes me really angry and sad too.  Your ideas are much better.  You know what helps sometimes?  Writing your own story where things turn out the way they should.  I have so many fix-it fics it’s ridiculous.”

Steven rushed in and tried to find a clear space to hug.  “I’m sorry.  I wouldn’t have pushed so hard for this if I’d known.  I thought we’d have fun.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.  Come on, you don’t have to apologise.”  She managed a watery smile for him.

To her shock she felt a cold hand pat her shoulder.  When she looked, Lapis had another of her unreadably mixed expressions on, and said rather stiffly, “Don’t take on so.  She wasn’t real anyway.”

“I know,” Jasper said, and sniffed hard.  “But she’s Luke and Leia’s mother, and you don’t know Luke and Leia, and I love them so much, especially Leia.”

“But then they can’t be real either,” Lapis said, confused.  “You’re crying real tears over made-up people - made-up _humans.”_

There was an uncomfortable silence, broken by Peridot saying, “Cripes, _I_ know not to say a thing like that,” and being vigorously shushed by Amethyst.

“I’m sorry,” Lapis said, more stiffly than ever.  “That was tactless.  Excuse me, I’m tired.”  She got up and hurried away into the Temple, the door closing tight behind her.

“I’m sorry about that, Connie,” Garnet said.  

“Everyone’s saying sorry for something,” Connie said with an uneasy laugh.  “It’s okay.  She just doesn’t know any better yet.  Remember the time Peridot shoved Mr Universe off the barn roof to see if he’d fly?  This is pretty mild compared.”

“You weren’t even there for that!” Peridot said indignantly.

“Well, it’s legendary now,” Amethyst told her.  “Quit squirming or I’ll lie on you.”

“Well!” said Pearl brightly.  “I think it’s high time Steven and Connie got ready for bed.  I’ll make up the couch for you, Connie.”

“Thanks,” Connie said.  She turned back to Jasper and squeezed her shoulder.  “I don’t know if it helps, but a new _Star Wars_ movie is coming out in December.  Maybe that will be better?  We’re really hoping.”

Jasper followed Amethyst and Peridot, who was now wearing the blanket like a cape, through the Temple door and waved away their invitation to come back to their room for a chill-out.  She felt too wrung out, and her head ached.  Her body might be an illusion, but it was an illusion that ached right now.  With heavy feet she made her way down to her room and flopped on the bed.

She had started to doze when she was woken by Pearl nestling in beside her.  That was a huge comfort, and she rolled over and wrapped her up in her arms and held her close.

“You don’t have to spend the night,” she said, although she was still clinging.  “Not if you’ve got things you’d rather do.”

“Don’t be silly.  It _is_ funny to me, the habits you and Peridot have picked up in such a short time, her wearing clothes all over the place and you sleeping at night.  But no, I want to be with you.  You’re mine to take care of, tiger-lily.”  She kissed Jasper’s cheek gently.  “Do you want to see if I can make you feel better?”

“Yes.  But Pearl?”

“Mmm?”

“I think my room needs a door.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Jasper. It's always weird when you've been thinking so much about a fictional character that while you're watching an unrelated movie you think about how they'd react to it. My recent prequels rewatch spawned a lot of this.  
> On the other hand, she is going to love the HELL out of Finn, and probably start writing Captain Phasma redemption fic - if she ever actually starts to believe she's capable of creative writing.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and now, People Who Don't Usually Talk To Each Other Talking To Each Other Theatre

This time Jasper got to wake up to a calm, contented Pearl, propped up with her elbow resting on the pillow above Jasper’s head.  Her eyes were half-lidded and dreamy, and she was idly playing with Jasper’s hair.  Because she woke quietly, she had a nice long moment to appreciate Pearl’s unguarded morning face, before she noticed Jasper was gazing up at her and came into focus.

“Oh - good morning.”

“Morning.  You sleep?”

“I didn’t need to.  I enjoyed watching you.”

“Really?  I feel like I slept for hours.”

“You did.  It was nice and quiet - although you make faces when you dream.”

“Oh?  Not really surprised.”

“What were you dreaming?”

“I don’t really remember.  They must have been nice dreams, though, ‘cause they didn’t wake me up.”  She reached up and stroked Pearl’s cheek, gentle, careful, loving the way she leaned towards her hand.  “I don’t know.  Let’s say I dreamed about you.”

“I’m glad.  I was worried you might not sleep well after those frankly hackneyed films upset you so much.”

“Aw, by the time I went to sleep I wasn’t thinking about them at all any more.  You took care of that.”  That made Pearl blush and smile and look so shyly yet smugly pleased with herself that she clearly needed a thorough kissing, and then to be rolled over and kissed some more with a bit of mock growling that made her squeak and giggle.

They were interrupted by a very loud theatrical-cough-for-attention from outside.

“Is there some _reason_ why there’s a tarp over the door?” Amethyst asked from the other side of it.

“Because we wanted privacy,” Pearl said, sitting up abruptly and reforming her clothes with disappointing quickness.  “Don’t poke at it, it’s only held up with gaffer tape.”  There was a crumply tapping sound and a little peak appeared repeatedly in the stretched surface of the tarp to confirm that Amethyst was indeed poking at it.  “I have to get timber and hardware to build a proper door today.  Jasper, do you think a hinged door, or maybe a sliding one?”

“Amethyst?” Jasper said.  She wasn’t sitting up for this; it would set a bad precedent.

“Yello.”

“Be a pal and get lost for a while.”

“Okay, but if you break training like this you’ll never make your underground wrestling debut.”

“I’ll live.”

“Suit yourself, weenie,” Amethyst said cheerfully, gave the tarp one last poke for good measure and left.

“I can’t believe she actually _went,”_ Pearl said.  “I’d already given up and resigned myself to getting up and doing something.  Well, we _should_ get up and do something; we really shouldn’t waste the day.”

“But we’re underground, so if I can think of a really smooth line about underground wrestling, will you stay?”

“Oh, I think I’ll have to.”

 

They finally surfaced to face the day rather late and cheerful.  Connie was still over and she and Steven were baking brownies in their pyjamas.  Sun was streaming in through the windows; it looked like the thunderclouds of the night had blown away, and out on the beach the small blue figure of Lapis was strolling along inspecting the flotsam and jetsam cast up by the storm.  Judging by the whistling in the eaves and the way her hair and skirt were whipping around, it was still pretty windy out there.

Pearl lightly touched Jasper’s arm.  “I’m just going to say good morning to Lapis.  I hope you don’t mind.”

“Nope.”  She said it to be good, but once it was said it actually felt pretty true.  She wasn’t completely sure she trusted Lapis to abide by the truce - and she realised she hadn’t actually set any terms for it, which wasn’t the smartest, just assuming Lapis had the same idea of what “truce” meant as she had - but she wanted to give her a chance and find out if she would.  Besides, it was sunny and she was all loved up and goosey and the house smelled like baking bittersweet chocolate.  She didn’t mind much of anything.  She bent down and kissed Pearl on top of her head, and she did that astonishingly flattering thing where she rose up on her toes against the kiss (actually, Lion did the same thing sometimes when you went to pet him on the head and he bobbed up into it, although a Lion bob was a lot more forceful than a Pearl one).

Pearl was just turning to go when the warp pad lit up and Garnet appeared.

“Hey Garnet!” Steven carolled.  “You want to help scrape these bowls?”

“We made extra so there’d be a lot to scrape,” Connie added, taking a spatula out of her mouth.

“I prefer them cooked,” Garnet said, stepping down.

“Okay, but you’ve got a few minutes to wait.”

“Save some for me - I’m going out again.  Jasper.”

“Yes?”  She managed not to say “Me?” like a fool.

“Are you busy?”

“Not really.”

“Come with me, then.”

“Me?” she asked, like a fool.  “Do - you want Pearl to come too?”

“No, just you.”

Jasper cast a very doubtful look Pearl’s way.  

“Go on,” she said, with an encouraging smile.  

“But don’t you want me to help you with the door?”

“Not right away, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.  Later, then?”

“Later.  Have fun!”

Jasper stepped up onto the pad beside Garnet feeling as if the morning had changed course without consulting her.  She wished Pearl would have given her an excuse to stay, but she clearly thought it was a good thing for her to go on some sort of mission with Garnet.  Had Garnet been planning to ask her, or had she just decided on it when she saw her?  She was so hard to read, and she wasn’t giving any clues with her eyes masked like that.  Masks could be intimidating like Darth Vader and Boba Fett or heroic and dashing like Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor V.  She inadvertently imagined Tuxedo Garnet and made an odd and slightly uncomfortable noise in between a laugh, a cough and a sneeze just as they landed at the destination.

“You all right?” Garnet asked.

“Uh-huh.”  It was the strawberry battlefield again, she saw.  The weather was different here, cloudy but sultry warm.  A white butterly wafted across her line of sight and she turned her head, tracking it.  “Is something wrong here?”

“We’re here to check.  Follow me.”

Jasper took a deep breath, squashed down a whole lot of objections about rank and seniority and the fact that she was pretty damn sure that a Ruby plus a Sapphire didn’t equal a Jasper, and followed.  Garnet was clearly used to being in charge and she wasn’t in any position herself to challenge that.  Besides, she had to remember to think about how much of this was just habit and how much was her own actual opinion that she had reasons for.

Was it mixing with a Sapphire that would make a Ruby quiet like this?  She knew where she was with Rubies.  She even liked them, but you’d never call them quiet or mysterious.  Rambunctious, that was the word.  She’d never even talked to a Sapphire.  They were important and pretty and a bit spooky, and that was all the impression she’d got.

Garnet was walking ahead of her with an easy, measured tread, seeming calm but alert.  They were following a path between the shrubs, just a track made by the passage of feet, and not the feet of people as wide as Jasper, because higher-growing branches kept swatting at her hips.

“What should I look for?”

“Anything odd.”

“We probably have different ideas of odd,” Jasper pointed out.  She paused to check out an obsidian flail half buried by the path, its spiked ball as big as her own head.  It was muddy but undamaged, just dropped here by someone who couldn’t use it any more.  When she picked it up it seemed to come up reluctantly, not just because of the vines tangled through the links of its chain, as if it were heavier than its actual weight.  Disturbing it felt bad somehow, and she put it back.

“Probably do.”  Garnet hadn’t slowed down, and Jasper had to take a few long quick steps to catch her up.  She didn’t know if it was feeling bad about disturbing the flail (which was a weird enough idea in itself; it was just a thing, even if it was a very old thing) that had started it but she was starting to feel kind of bad generally.  No, bad specifically.  She’d got comfortable and let this slide.

“I owe you an apology,” she said, her voice gruffer than she wanted.

“What for?” Garnet asked, scanning the bushes.

“Take your pick.  Destabilising you, splitting you up and putting you in jail, headbutting your favourite kid, breaking your glasses.  Making a lot of stupid mean comments about your relationship.  All of them.”

“Right.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“Is that it?  I mean, are we okay?”

“We’ve been okay for a while now, but I appreciated the apology.”

“Oh.  Thank you.”

“Still think it’s a cheap tactic for making weak Gems stronger?”

“Tourmaline asked me that as well,” Jasper admitted.  She rubbed the back of her neck, trying to lift the heavy hair away from it.  It was too warm here under these low, blue-grey clouds.  She remembered with relief that she had a scrunchie around her wrist and looped it up into a high ponytail as she walked.  “I think it did make you stronger.  I mean, fusion’s normal for Rubies, right?  And they’re not weak, they’re scrappy and tough.  I was taught that I shouldn’t ever need to do that.  Then when I _did_ it bit me in the ass.  And I only did it _because_ you quite frankly kicked my ass.  It was a bad day for my ass.”

Garnet sounded amused.  “You know, you were winning right up until you lost.”

“In some ways that makes it worse.  I probably could’ve beat you if I were smarter.  But I wasn’t, I didn’t, it’s better that way.”

“Think you’re smarter now?”

“About some things.  Realising how dumb I am about others.  Which Pearl says is part of getting smarter.  Like, to know that you do not know is the beginning of wisdom, apparently.  I should be super wise one of these days.”

“We all should.”

“I still don’t get why you want to stay fused.  I just don’t think - you know, if that’s what makes you happy, whether I get it or not isn’t the point.”

“Well,” Garnet said thoughtfully, “fusion is different things for different people in different situations.  It’s always based on trust and it’s always intimate, but what kind of intimacy?  Friendship, family, romance, alliance, there are a lot of possibilities.  My way wouldn’t be right for everyone.  It doesn’t mean you don’t love Pearl if you don’t want to fuse with her.”

“Oh.”  She felt very small and uncomfortably hot.

“The fact I can see you love her is a big part of why we’re okay.”

“I know she’d like it if we did,” Jasper mumbled.

“You mean the way I do it, or more like Tourmaline?”

“Or Blue Opal.”

“Blue Opal isn’t the most stable fusion I’ve ever seen.  Tourmaline’s much better synchronised.”

“Really?  Blue is so graceful and beautiful.  Tourmaline’s one of my best friends, but she’s - well, she’s pretty goofy.”

“And she embodies the friendship and love between two Gems who needed each other, found each other, and make each other better by being together.  I’m not sure Pearl and Lapis Lazuli have that.”

“Still a heck of a lot better than Malachite!” Jasper said heartily, trying to make a joke of it.

“Malachite formed once under stress, and she was never a complete fusion.  If there ever came a day when you and Lapis actually trusted each other, and meant each other well, we’d see a different Malachite.”

“Really?”

“I’m sure of it.  I’ve changed a lot, you know.  When I first fused, I was a mess.  A happy excited mess, but still.  We separated, and got to know each other better, and fused again, and we did that again and again, and together I grew into the me I am now.   _But_ I was always me.”

“Did they - you - you two know you were going to be Garnet?”

“Not only did they not know, I didn’t know at first.  I was something entirely new.”

“So there’s no way to know what you’re going to make when you fuse with someone new?  I mean, Tourmaline says so, but you’re the expert, right?”

“You get to see patterns.  Every fusion Pearl’s ever been part of has something iridescent about her, for example.  But no, you don’t know.  You open your heart to any possibility, and experiencing it together.”

“So when you offered to fuse with _Peridot,_ you didn’t know what you’d become?”

“No.  Something wrong with Peridot?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Peridot, she’s just high-strung.  I worry about her.”

“It’s only a hunch, but I had a good feeling about Bloodstone.”

“I’ve never even seen a Bloodstone.  I thought they were extinct.”

“Fusion might be the way they come back.  They might be different - not to mention they could be called Heliotrope.  And Bloodstones are related to Jaspers _and_ Chalcedonies.  And Peridot could also be Olivine.  And _I_ could be a Spinel who just _calls_ herself Garnet.”

“And I could be made of cheese, but you don’t see me trying to weird people out talking about it.”  Still, Garnet seemed to be in a forthcoming mood, and she had questions.  “Hey, you’ve fused with Pearl too, right?”

“That’s right.”

“What’s it like?  What’s _she_ like?”

“You’re missing the point a bit.  When you really fuse you’re not going to be aware of yourself and Pearl and what each of you is like.  You’ll experience what you are together.”

“That’s the part I can’t get my head around.  Isn’t it - isn’t it _terrifying?_  Don’t you feel like you’re losing yourself?”

Garnet glanced back over her shoulder.  “No.  Remember, this is how I get to _be_ myself.  And Ruby and Sapphire don’t lose anything.”

“What if the fusion wants to go on being and the gems inside don’t want to any more, though?”

“Can’t happen.  Fusion only lasts while everyone involved wants it to.”

“Beg to differ.”

_“One_ person wanted Malachite to last.  It’s wrong, but it can prolong a bad fusion.”

“I suppose.”  She waved a bug away.  “Another thing I don’t get.  You like spending your whole life as a fusion because Ruby and Sapphire love each other so much they can’t bear to be apart.  Right?  That’s how Steven explains it.”

“You don’t get that?”

“What I don’t get is why, if you feel that way, you’d want anyone else getting in on it.  Wouldn’t adding Pearl or whoever to the mix just mess things up?”

Garnet was slowing down.  “It can do.  Doesn’t have to.  But it can get complicated.  I keep it to situations where there’s a practical need for someone bigger and stronger than any of us alone.”

“And if you needed to, you could add in Amethyst as well?”

“Oh yes.  Alexandrite’s not that well balanced, though.  There’s a reason why we didn’t face you that way.  There’s a nice place to sit up here.”

The last part didn’t seem to follow, but the path had led them up a slope and there was, indeed, a nice place to sit at the top, a soft ridge and then a downward slope covered in grass and daisies.  Garnet sat down, looking out over the fields.

“Can I ask you something?  Are we really looking for something here or did you just want a walk?”

“A bit of both.  This _is_ a place I check from time to time.  Corrupted Gems seem attracted to it.  There are some others we’ll go to later.  Sit down.”

“All right.”  She folded herself down and sat cross-legged, leaning back on her arms.

“I wanted to talk to you.  It’s not only Lapis that I’ve left to other people.  I don’t really know you, and I need to know you now you’re part of this team.”

“I am?  I mean, I _am_ am, not going to be or might be?”

“We don’t have a formal induction ceremony.  We could make one up if you like.”

“Oh.  No.  Thanks.  Oh, crap!”

“What?”

“I keep forgetting about this.”  She tapped the yellow diamond on her chest.  “I decide I’m going to change it to a star and then something happens and I don’t get around to it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to.  I’ve just never been good at changing myself.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Physically.  I suck at shapeshifting.  It’s not something I was supposed to need to do.  And then, I’ve been reforming in the same uniform for longer than I care to think about.  Even if I got poofed right now, I’d probably come right back the same out of habit.”

“I say this as someone who hopes to be your friend.  If you want I can punch your lights out and you can try.”  Garnet could have been joking or could have been dead serious and it probably would have sounded the same.

“What, and I just stand there and let you hit me?  Remember what I said about habit?  Jaspers do _not_ just stand there and take it.”

“All right, but Jaspers also don’t give children piggy-back rides or cry at sad movies.”

“Oh, great, now I’m actually thinking about it.”  And a horrible thought was occurring to her too, that this could be a trick, Garnet framing it as a friendly offer but as soon as she was helpless in her gemstone, it would be bubble time, or worse.  But _why?_  All kinds of nasty paranoid reasons came up in her head - _she doesn’t want someone stronger than her in the team, she doesn’t want me being so close to Pearl, she’s never actually forgiven me_ \- and none of them _seemed_ true but the feelings that went with them wouldn’t be dismissed.

“Just relax for a while.  You don’t have to decide anything.”  Garnet leaned back on her elbows and crossed her ankles.

“I don’t even really know how to imagine myself in different clothes,” Jasper admitted.  “If I do it’s like I’m putting on costumes.  Like, I could picture an outfit that I’ve seen on someone else on me - even if it looks really weird - but they wouldn’t be _my_ clothes.”

“Then you could just change the diamond to a star, and that would be plenty.”

“But I don’t want to wear the uniform any more.  It’s… not me any more.”

“Give it some time.  Keep looking around for ideas and you’ll probably see a lot of things you like.  You can put pieces together.”

“That sounds like a good way to end up with, like, a ballgown with a sailor collar on it and Jedi boots.”

“If you want to wear a sailor Jedi ballgown, you wear it.”

“Nah, it’s silly.  It’s not practical.  I’ve got to fight.”

“Rose Quartz fought an interplanetary war in a floor-length dress.  With ruffles.”

“Well, I think Rose Quartz did a _lot_ of things nobody else could pull off.”

“That’s true,” Garnet said, with a small smile.  

“This isn’t a Crystal Gem custom, is it?  Oh, I feel like freshening up my look, I’ll get Garnet to sock me?”

“Not the preferred method, no.”

“Then I think I’ll just wait to get my ass kicked in the natural order of things.”  She hesitated.  “Garnet?”

“Yes?”

“I guess you know Pearl better than anyone.  Is there any kind of advice you want to give me?  Like, how to make her happy?  What she really needs?”

Garnet seemed to think it over.  “She’ll always need to hear that you love her at least one more time.  And she’ll probably knit you things, so you need to look happy and wear them sometimes.  Other than that… be steady, be reliable, brace yourself to be loved more than you can imagine.”

“Consider me braced.”

“But don’t think…”  She paused, as if trying to shape the idea.  “It’s obvious that Pearl needs a lot of love and I know your heart goes out to her and you want to make her happy, and I’m glad about that.  Just keep it in perspective.”

“No, I get it, I’m not going to neglect myself because I’m trying to take care of her.”

“It’s not just that.  Pearl needs to be needed.  If you focus too much on taking care of her and you don’t ask _her_ to take care of _you,_ she’s going to go peculiar on you.”

“That is _no_ problem.  Nothing in this or any other world feels better than being fussed over and spoiled by Pearl.”

“Glad to hear it,” Garnet said, although Jasper would have liked her to sound more sure about it.

 

Pearl had been delighted to see Garnet taking an interest in Jasper, showing trust in her and involving her in her duties.  She was still glad.  She just wished they weren’t taking quite so long.  She wanted to deal with this door issue before the end of the day, and it would be much easier with Jasper to help with the heavy lifting, besides how much she enjoyed seeing Jasper lift heavy things.  She couldn’t think of anything else productive to do.  After Steven and Connie had finished their baking, and Connie’s dad had picked her up along with a share of the brownies to take home, she had gone into the kitchen hoping to find things to tidy up or clean but they had done a disappointingly thorough job already, even wiping the dishes dry and putting them away instead of leaving them to air dry in the dishrack, which would have been _something._

She had thought she would spend the time with Lapis, but although she had been warm and sweet when Pearl had wished her good morning, she had said that she wanted to take a quiet walk by herself.  That had left Pearl with the awful combined feeling of wondering what she had done wrong, _knowing_ what she had done wrong, and wondering if there was something _else_ she had done wrong that she didn’t yet know about.  So she had smiled and hoped Lapis enjoyed her walk and returned to the house trying to remind herself that she was actually wonderfully happy.

Steven was napping on his bed, probably because he and Connie had spent more of the night whispering and giggling than sleeping, and Amethyst and Peridot were no help.  She wouldn’t really have expected Amethyst to be a help under the circumstances; finding useful occupations wasn’t her forte.  She was nowhere to be seen anyway.  Peridot might have been up for a brainstorming session concerning planetary defence and camouflage systems achievable with materials salvaged from a decommissioned Kindergarten, a barn full of junk and a lifetime’s hoarding by Amethyst, on a budget generated by a car wash in a small seaside town in the off-season, but she was deeply involved in some project of her own, kneeling at the coffee table and scribbling furiously on a long scroll that looked suspiciously like the roll of baking parchment from the kitchen.  From time to time she uttered small grunts and growls of apparent frustration and gnawed at the end of her pencil, which was looking increasingly splintery.

“That looks interesting, Peridot.  Do you want any help with it?”

_“No,”_ Peridot said emphatically.  “That is, I don’t want to _need_ any help with it, but it’s impossible.  So please.”

“Are you still working on your communications satellite idea?”  She sat down on the couch behind Peridot and looked over her shoulder at a lot of crossed-out chicken-scratch writing and doodles of stars, hearts, flowers and for some reason a crocodile.

“No, you were right.  Cursory research showed that it could take years to make it work and we just don’t have the resources.  I’m trying to write a song about Amethyst.”

“Are you really?  That’s so sweet!”  

“But _nothing rhymes with Amethyst._  I just keep thinking of terrible garbage like ‘slam a fist’ and ‘clammy mist’.”  

“I’m sure there are more possibilities than that.  No direct rhymes, but plenty of near-rhymes.  Analyst, catalyst… hmm, alchemist, dramatist… we might want to avoid masochist.  Well, why don’t you avoid having to rhyme with Amethyst in the first place?  Just don’t put her name at the ends of any lines.”

“There goes my first and so far only line,” Peridot said glumly, scratching a line through it.

“Is the song _about_ Amethyst or _to_ Amethyst?  I always think love-songs that are _to_ the person are more effective.”

“You think?”

“When you sing _about_ someone you imply an audience, other people that you’re _telling_ about this person.  If you sing directly _to_ them it’s more intimate, don’t you think?  More romantic.”

“That’s not half bad,” Peridot said.  “But I mean, I sang directly to all of you before and that wasn’t romantic.”

“No, calling people insane isn’t usually romantic.  Still, Amethyst has a fond memory of you singing that way.  I remember her telling me afterwards that she thought your scratchy little voice was cute.”

“She does think that,” Peridot said, nodding.

“So just narrow the focus to Amethyst herself, and make it a bit more... complimentary.  Why not think of the main ideas you want to convey first?  Jot them down.”

“I love her,” Peridot said promptly, pencil scratching.  “She makes me feel big, like anything is possible, she has a glorious squishy curvaceous bottom -”

“Not that you _can’t_ include a tribute to her bottom, but it may not belong in the same verse as the exhilarating sense of possibiity and potential inherent in new love.”

“I thought it could be symbolic.”

“You don’t think a better symbol might be something like a bright flower opening or the sun rising on a new day or - bottoms don’t really _symbolise_ anything, Peridot, they just _are.”_

“Well, I’m sorry if poetry doesn’t come as spontaneously to me as it does to some people.  Should I cut an onion and try to make myself cry?”  She stopped abruptly.  “Wait, that came out meaner than I meant it.”

“Oh, good.”

“Onion’s quite a nice juvenile even if he isn’t very verbal and I just want to make it clear I mean the vegetable onion, not Amethyst’s friend’s son Onion.  And, well, I didn’t mean to be mean to you either.  It’s nice of you to try to help.  You must have things you’d rather be doing.”

“Well, yes, but Jasper is out,” Pearl said with a small sigh.  Peridot covered her mouth with her hand and emitted a smothered snorting noise.  She glanced over at Pearl as if checking whether she’d noticed, then ruined any attempt at discretion by snorting harder and then putting her head down on the table and cackling raucously.

“I did _not_ mean - oh, Amethyst is a _terrible_ influence on you!”  Pearl banged her fists on her knees in indignation.  “We’re building a _door.”_

“Sorry, sorry.  I’m in a weird mood.  I hope you know I’m happy for you.  It’s an odd-looking arrangement but I’m actually getting to the point where I like to see contrasts like that in a couple.  Like me and Amethyst.  Well, there are a lot of parallels, right?  The brains and brawn thing.”

“I don’t really think of Amethyst as _brawny,_ but then I have known her since she was a lot smaller.”

“Was she just ridiculously cute at all times?” Peridot asked, chin in hands and eyes sparkling.

“Oh, she was _very_ cute.  When she wasn’t being loud, messy and remarkably destructive.  Well, no, she was still quite cute then.  It was hardly her fault she was slightly feral when we found her.  It was difficult for her to understand concepts like ‘indoor voice’ and that we don’t say hello by biting.  Or… mark our property by peeing on it,” she concluded uneasily.  

“So it’s safe to say she’s come a long way then.”

“We’re proud of her.  Where is she today, by the way?”

“Oh, I told her I needed to work on a secret project so she should do something else.  I suppose I’ll have to tell her it didn’t work out.”

“Don’t give up.  This is a bigger job than writing a verse for a song someone got started for you.”  Pearl patted her shoulder.  “Give it time.  Don’t you often find that putting a problem you can’t solve yet to one side and letting the back of your mind work on it for a while helps?”

“Um… no.  I don’t think my mind works like that.  I like to start a thing and work on it until it’s done.  Still, I may as well try your approach because mine certainly isn’t getting anywhere.”  She rolled up the baking-paper scroll and tapped the ends of it level.  “I suppose there _will_ still be things that I’m just not cut out for.”

“Well, that’s the thing about self-discovery.  You go exploring new possibilities, and some of then turn out wonderfully, and others less so.  I do still find that upsetting.  I _want_ to do whatever I do well, don’t you?”

“No duh.”

“And no matter how often Rose told me that the important thing was the trying… well, I _wanted_ to believe her but… eh.”  Pearl made a see-saw motion with one hand.

“But you’d still say to keep trying?”

“I would.  So what if you don’t have the natural talent to attain excellence?  You’ll still have the determination to achieve competence.  And know your audience.  Amethyst will probably be enchanted if you write a song _entirely_ about her backside.”

“That’s true!”  Peridot said, hope rekindling.

“And you shouldn’t give up trying other things, even if you think you’re not very good at them.  I’m sure you could fight, for example, if you put your mind to it and trained hard and of course I would be happy to teach you as much as I can.”

“But I can’t even form a weapon,” Peridot objected.

“Peridot, please stop and think.  I know it’s possible that there have been changes and enhancements since my day, but do Pearls typically have weapons?”

“Oh.  No.  No, of course not.”

“And I didn’t either.  I had to use ordinary weapons, even ones forged by humans.  I ended up collecting them.  I learned to fight with those first - which I never would have believed I could, except that Rose believed in me and wouldn’t give up on teaching me - and then, in time, I was able to develop and summon my own weapon from my gemstone.  If I can do it, surely you can too.”

“Well -”

Peridot was interrupted by the warp pad lighting up.  Pearl sprang to her feet with a little glad cry that faded when she saw Jasper, alone, clutching at her sides and breathing as if she’d run a race.  She had two black eyes, one almost puffed shut, and a long gouge running from her right hip almost to her knee.

“Holy crap, what happened to you?” Peridot exclaimed.  Pearl was already running over, reaching up to try to support Jasper as she stepped down, although the weight of her made her knees buckle and her feet slide.

“Jasper, where’s Garnet?” she asked urgently.

“Here.”  Jasper’s hands were clenched shut under her arms; she drew one out and opened it.  In her palm, which was bruised and cut by their edges, lay Ruby and Sapphire’s gemstones, grimy but intact.  “She should be okay.  Took a big hit but okay.  Got her home.”  

“What _happened_ to you two?”

“Garnet wanted to check the desert.  Big thing came out of the ground, lots of teeth, lots of - just lots of parts.  We stopped it.  She took the hit to distract it so I could get in at its weak spot.  It’s been fighting me all the way back.”  She opened her other hand to show another gemstone, pear-shaped and mottled red.  It spat a brief flare of light and she closed her fist again with a grunt.  

“Oh good _grief,_ why didn’t you bubble it?” Pearl asked, prying her fingers apart and doing just that.

“Don’t know how,” Jasper admitted, sitting down with a wince of pain.  “Sorry.”  She set down the ruby and sapphire on the floor with a soft clink.

“Oh, please don’t.  Don’t, _I’m_ sorry.”  She rested her forehead against Jasper’s, pressing her hands to her cheeks.  “What matters is that both of you are all right.”  She lifted her face to kiss Jasper’s forehead, and Jasper, with a momentary look of surprise, flared brightly and disappeared.  Pearl caught the falling gemstone reflexively, more startled still.  

“Do you _often_ have that effect?” Peridot asked, with a certain horrified fascination.

“No, I - I think she was just exhausted.  She must have been holding on with all she had to get back here.  Poor dear.”

“Do you have a regen chamber?  The sooner we get them in the better.”

“I’m afraid not.  I suspect those are after our time.  All we can do is keep them in a safe place and wait for them to be ready to come back.  Well.”  Pearl visibly pulled herself together, straightening up.  “Would you find Amethyst and tell her what’s happened?  Probably nothing else will happen, there’s no reason to expect another major attack so soon, but we’d better have everyone together and on guard.  I’ll tell Lapis.  We’ll all just sit tight and take the best care of them we can.”  She bent and scooped up Ruby and Sapphire, holding them close to her chest.  “They’ll be all right.”


	22. Chapter 22

She hadn’t expected it to happen this soon; it seemed as if talking about it had invited it, tempted fate or something.  She was having to fight down all her instincts to reform as fast as she could in the most familiar way; even if it had been painful and exhausting to get into this state, she had to try to see this as an opportunity.  She had to remember too that if nothing else, Garnet had trusted her in a fight, even to the extent of using a strategy that depended on Jasper finishing the fight and getting her back to safety.  True, it had been decided on the fly when they were both half-blinded by sand and it might not have been either of their best work.  Still, it was kind of an honour.

It had left her with a splitting headache too, a consciousness of pain that lasted even when she was out of physical form.  That was what you got when you headbutted a beast after your helmet had been knocked off and you hadn’t had time to recreate it before the thing was looming up in front of you and it was snap your head forward or get it bitten off.  She hoped that would fade.  She hoped the memory of those teeth snapping together a hair’s breadth from her nose would fade too, but it would probably make guest appearances in a few dreams before she was done with it.

She tried to just think about healing, recovering, coming back better.  Her ideas were all a muddle; she was only sure about a golden star _somewhere._  She wandered vaguely in her mind, dressed herself in nothing but a mesh of shining stars, floated in quiet light while the pain faded and the sensation of warm, strong life inside her grew back.  

In the end she knew that if she waited around any longer, she was only wasting time.  She would just have to commit to a look, and if it sucked, well, she still had great hair.

She had had a little dream that she might be going to wake with Pearl beside her, maybe with her head cradled in Pearl’s lap, but she was by herself.  She was surrounded by soft coolness, and she gradually realised that she was in water, floating in - no, _on_ some kind of circular pool.  That should have been terrifying, but this water seemed to be different.  It wasn’t trying to drag her down or cover her up; it supported her like a silky cushion.  She had never been in Pearl’s room before, but when she opened her eyes and looked around she couldn’t imagine this being anywhere else, just from the cool elegance and peace of the place.  Pearl had taken her to her own room to care for her while she recovered; that felt good.  Better still if Pearl were _here_ to stroke back her hair and kiss her to welcome her back.  Maybe she was somewhere nearby, though.  She lifted herself on her elbows and eagerly looked around.

Lapis was sitting a little distance away, also on the surface of the water, with her legs tucked up daintily inside her skirt, watching her with mild interest.

“Welcome back,” she said calmly.

“Uh, thanks.”  She sat up straighter.  Of course Lapis could be in Pearl’s room, there was nothing strange about that, but it did seem a little odd that she would be watching over her.  “How long was I out?”

“Oh, thousands of years,” Lapis said.  “Everyone else left to explore deep space.  It’s only us left.”

“So… you volunteered to stay and take care of me?  Or you just weren’t up for deep space?”

“Or I was waiting for you to come back so you’d be trapped alone with me, and see your face when you realised.”  She arched an eyebrow.

“I feel like I’d know if it had been thousands of years, so I’m taking all this with a ton of salt.”

“All right, killjoy, it’s been five days.  What did you _do_ to Garnet?  She’s still not back.  I want details.”

“I didn’t do anything.  It was a monster in the desert.”

“Well, that’s boring of you.  I was hoping you at least had some kind of coup planned.”

“Why would you hope I’d do _that?”_

“It would be interesting.  The highlight of this week so far has been Chalcedony briefly looking as if she might change shape but then changing her mind and sneezing.  Pearl is no fun because she just droops around pining for you and Garnet, as well as trying to do everything Garnet normally does while she’s healing.  I fell back on watching television with Peridot and Steven.”

_“Camp Pining Hearts?”_  Jasper asked sympathetically.

“I made a few comments about the first episode and Peridot said I didn’t deserve to see the rest, so after that it was _Adventure Time._  Which isn’t bad.  There should be more episodes with Marceline.”

Was this Lapis’ truce behaviour?  The way she was speaking didn’t exactly sound friendly, but she _was_ voluntarily _speaking_ to her in a relatively sociable way.  “I haven’t seen that one yet,” Jasper said cautiously.

“Well, Pearl should cheer up now you’re back.  She can get back to hanging all over you.  Is this outfit for her benefit?  There isn’t a lot of it.”

“I look amazing,” Jasper said firmly, bluffing.  In the end she hadn’t been able to figure out anything but a copy of an outfit from a movie.  She was still wearing her old familiar colours of russet and black, but she’d made armbands and a belt in a warm old-gold colour to make it feel less like her uniform.  It was still basically the suit Padmé had worn to Geonosis in that lousy clone movie, the damaged version with the bare midriff, though she’d taken off both the sleeves, and she just had to hope no one would figure it out and think she was an extremely unimaginative dork.  Well, Connie would probably recognise the design but she wouldn’t mind that.  She was genuinely pleased with the way she’d managed to include the gold star on a clip in her hair, over her left temple.  Besides, she didn’t think she could go too far wrong with bare arms and tight black pants.  Some things just worked.

“You look like that girl in that terrible movie, except she wore her hair up,” Lapis said.  “You know, the one who died of nothing and you cried about it.  You’re _blushing._  Have you got a crush on a dead girl in a bad movie?”

“I didn’t have any original ideas so I copied something, all right?”  The plunging sense of dismay when she realised Lapis _knew_ (Lapis had no right to know!  She wasn’t even a fan!) had taken most of the fight out of her.

“All right.  It’s probably the least silly thing she wore.  I can’t believe you held back from including the cape.”

“Hrrm.”  She couldn’t decide whether this was an attempt at friendly teasing - maybe Lapis didn’t quite get that you needed to establish some actual friendliness first - or just snark.  She got to her feet, still puzzled by the way the water bore her up, but grateful that it did.  It _felt_ like Pearl and not like, well, Lapis.  Who was looking up at her with another of her confusing expressions, some kind of… lonely glare?

“I did actually volunteer to take care of you,” Lapis said, her voice quick and brittle.  “Pearl felt bad about leaving you alone so I said I’d keep an eye on you while she was busy.  You could say thank you before you leave.”

“Oh.”  Well, what had she thought Lapis was there for?  Looking at an orange crystal just lie there wasn’t exactly entertainment.  “Uh - thank you.  Really.  You’re a good friend to Pearl and I appreciate that.”  She bent a little and offered her hand, thinking that Lapis might want to be helped up.  Instead she sprang to her feet looking furious.

“Because it’s impossible I could do anything kind for _you,_ isn’t it?” she spat.  “I’m just evil old Lapis and you’ll _never_ let it go!”

“You _what?”_ Jasper asked, bewildered.

“Ugh, I _hate_ you!”  She stamped her foot and dropped straight out of sight, the water simply splitting open and swallowing her up, closing over her head with a plop.  Jasper staggered back, thinking the same would happen to her any second, the hair rising on the back of her neck and her chest turning tight and cold.  After a horribly long, heavy-breathing moment, though, it seemed that it wouldn’t.  Lapis was somewhere way down beneath her, a blurry dot of darker blue in the deep crystalline blue of the column of water.

“The hell was that?”  She shuddered, trying to shake off how scared she had just been.  Even with the gentle feeling of Pearl in this room, she couldn’t feel safe knowing Lapis was lurking around beneath her feet, pissed off about who knew what.  What was worse than an angry blue brat?  An angry blue brat with devastating elemental powers and a detailed knowledge of all your weak spots.  She turned her attention to finding a way down from here.  It took a lot of clambering and splashing, but she found her way out of Pearl’s room and along a twisting passage to the Temple door.  

From there it was easy to find Amethyst’s room, where with any luck she’d see people who didn’t hate her, and her luck was in because she found Peridot crouched in the middle of a thicket of disassembled machinery thoughtfully tapping a screwdriver against her teeth.  When she saw Jasper she shrieked with glee and sprang across the room at an implausible speed to glom onto her leg.

“I’m so pleased you’re not dead!”

“So am I.  Come on, you knew I wouldn’t die, dork.”  She reached down to scruffle Peridot’s hair.

“I knew it objectively but I was surprised to find subjectively how much I missed you.  I like your new clothes.  You look like you’re going on a heroic mission type thing.  Oh, nice star!  I still haven’t figured out where I’d wear mine.  I could obviously just replace diamonds with stars but then I thought maybe it would look good on my butt, but then would that be disrespectful to the star?  I don’t know.  And it only just occurred to me that I could have sleeves!   _Or_ I could just make my Gem clothes the equivalent of underwear and wear any other clothes I like over the the top.  I don’t know!  I’m glad you’re back.  Amethyst’s been so busy helping Pearl, who’s been so busy stressing out, I’ve had nobody to hang out with but Steven and Lapis Lazuli, who does _not_ appreciate quality drama.”

“Yeah, I heard.  Is it true she was, you know, minding me while Pearl’s been busy?”

“It’s been _so weird,”_ Peridot said, looking up at her with her chin digging into her knee.  “She really took it seriously.  Steven gave her a cushion and she carried you round on it and made sure you were in a safe place when she sat down or did anything.  Connie said it reminded her of a project where they make you treat an egg like a baby to make you terrified to have children.”

“What?”

“I don’t understand their child-frightening rituals either.  I don’t know, maybe she likes you better when you’re not exactly there?  She certainly doesn’t like _me._  Hardly spoke to me unless it was to say something snotty about my cultural touchstone.  Steven told her to be nice!  Ha!  She did make a little more effort after that, I guess, even if it was mainly to start calling me BMO.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a cute little green robot in _Adventure Time,_ so I think it actually does count as a compliment.  Though it does imply that I’m even smaller than I am.  And maybe a robot.  You’d like _Adventure Time,_ it’s crawling with princesses.  I’m glad you’re back!”

“You planning to just stay on my leg for a few hours?”

“It would be fun if you walked around with big tromping strides.”

“You got it.”  She started a circuit of the nearest large junk pile with Peridot hooting and snickering as she was swept through the air.  “Where’s Pearl now?”

“Out.  Even Garnet doesn’t go on patrol as much as she’s been trying to do.  I hope she’ll relax a little when she sees you.  Whee!”

“Yeah, I hope so too.”

 

Amethyst reappeared before Pearl did, so Jasper ended up with a Gem koala on each leg; then Steven came home and brought Connie with him and they decided they were going to take an arm each, and then Lion decided to thump its big fat paws into her chest while she couldn’t fight back, and she ended up on her back on the living room floor being aggressively hugged in every limb with a large pink apex predator lying across her middle.  

It was actually pretty nice.  Amethyst had shapeshifted into an actual purple koala and was making Peridot giggle till she snorted by saying “Eucalyyyyyyyptus” in a creepy little voice, and Steven and Connie both had a hundred and ten things to tell her, and it was kind of amazing to be in the centre of a pile of warm funny people who were all so happy to see she was okay again.  Completely different from the last time she’d reformed, obviously, but also completely different from every time before that.  She’d never got a hug just for pulling herself together and getting back to work, let alone a hug _pile._  

She wriggled out from under all of them when the warp pad lit up and Pearl appeared, stepping down wearily before she registered Jasper charging towards her with open arms; then her eyes lit up and she gave a kind of glad squawk and leapt to meet her.  She hit her with surprising force for such a little thing, so that Jasper stumbled back a step as she threw her arms around her, and then it was all hugging and spinning and laughing from just plain happiness.

Then it went weird.  Warm light filled her head and she felt something begin to change, someone begin to _become,_ and the next second was just panic.  She managed not to drop Pearl (or let go of her while spinning and launch her through a wall), but she tripped over her own feet and sat down with a crash that jarred everything.  She sat there feeling frozen, her ears ringing and her chest locked up, only half aware that Pearl was calling her name.  She dragged in a deep breath and forced it back out.  Pearl was holding her shoulders, looking into her face and urgently, earnestly saying something she couldn’t understand yet.  Another deep breath, and she was roaring at herself inside her head not to be such a _coward,_ to pull herself together and stop freaking everyone else out.  It hurt, but it might be helping, because she knew now that Pearl had been telling her it was okay, she was safe, she was going to be all right.  She sounded too scared herself to be convincing, but Jasper loved her for trying.  The others were there too, looking up at her, small people with big eyes, and for a second in her jangled head they were all Rubies that she had to lead and send to die but wanted to protect.  One more deep breath, and she was going to talk, she was going to tell them not to worry about her.  There.  Time now.

“Don’t worry,” she managed to say, hoarsely.  “’Mall right.  Need some air.”  She pushed to her feet, wishing the singing in her ears would go away, and staggered to the door.  Operating the handle took two tries and made her feel even worse, but once she was outside and the wind hit her in the face things got a little better.  She sat down, hung onto the deck railing and didn’t try to do anything but breathe and count her breaths.  When she’d done thirty, she’d promised herself, she was going to be okay.  She wasn’t quite, but she _was_ better than she had been so she just revised the target upward a little.  Five days shouldn’t be enough for a season to change, but it was kind of a bleak day and what she could see of the beach looked sort of wintry; the sea was grey and choppy, anyway, and the surface of the sand was moving, driven by the sharp breeze.  The same breeze was whipping away the dots of clammy sweat on her skin.

After a while, when she was feeling comparatively normal, she felt footsteps through the planks under her, and Pearl leaned carefully into her line of sight, with a worried little smile.  She managed to give maybe a quarter of a grin back, and Pearl sat down beside her and leaned her head on her arm.  That helped too, and she wrapped that arm around her, gathering her in to her side.  Sheltering someone else made her feel like she could be stronger.

“How are you feeling?” Pearl asked.

“Better.  I’m really sorry.  I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

“No need to be sorry.  None of that was your fault.”

“I just - I’m sorry.  It’s not _your_ fault either, you know that, right?  It’s not ‘cause I don’t want to fuse with _you.”_

“I know.  I admit, when I felt it start to happen spontaneously, I was so happy.  I thought then you _were_ ready, or I would have tried to stop first.  Let’s call it a mutual honest mistake.  This week is a bit _much,_ isn’t it?”

“It really is!’

“Too many things happening all over the place.  I haven’t even had a chance to tell you how beautiful you look.”

“I hoped you’d like it.”  She managed more like a third of a smile, glancing down at Pearl’s upturned face.

“Or to tell you what a relief it is to have you back.  Everything feels that bit safer with you here.  Isn’t it strange how quickly you can begin to rely on someone?”

“I’m sorry about Garnet, too.”

“She’ll come back.  I’m a little surprised we haven’t seen Ruby yet, but Sapphire tends to take her time.  I may as well mention now that I take even longer.  I like to get things just so.”

“But you’re perfect.”

_“Ha._  Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I hope so.”

“My gallant Jasper.”  Pearl rubbed her head against the top of her arm.  “I’m sorry I haven’t had time to build your door, but perhaps we can make a start soon.  I’d just like to have at least Ruby back before starting a project.  I don’t want to leave Amethyst without backup.  Experienced backup, I mean.”

“I’m going to do everything I can to help you now, you know that, right?  You just tell me what you need and I’ll back you 100%.”

“I need a kiss,” Pearl said hopefully.

“Okay, I support that.”  She held back her windblown hair with one hand so it wouldn’t whip into Pearl’s face and bent to kiss her lips.

_She still wants me after that pathetic display?  I’d tell her how wrong she is but I don’t know what I’d do if she agreed.  I just have to make up for it._


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slice-of-lifey chapter.

Ruby reemerged in the middle of the night a couple of days later.  Apparently she’d tried to be quiet about it, but popping back into physical existence on Steven’s pillow had discombobulated her. She’d fallen off the bed, scrambled to her feet, tripped over a rain boot in the dark and then bounced head over heels down the steps from the loft with a series of crashes and extremely bad words.  Lapis, who for reasons best known to herself had been lurking in the living room, ran to find Pearl and soon everyone was clustered at the foot of the stairs, Pearl talking nineteen to the dozen trying to describe everything that had happened, Steven and Amethyst competing to see who could hug more of Ruby, Lapis curled up on the couch pretending none of this had anything to do with her now and Peridot and Jasper standing around sheepishly feeling as if they needed to be introduced to someone they technically already knew.

“And Sapphy?” Ruby asked when Pearl had reached the end of everything that could conceivably be said in mixed company about the past week.

“Still on the pillow,” Steven said, plopping his cheek on top of her head.  “I made you guys a nest in a hat.”

“Sapphire?  You don’t need any more beauty rest, you’re already the prettiest,” Ruby called up to the loft hopefully.  There was no answer.  “Ugh, fine,” she said, getting to her feet with Steven still attached.  “I guess I can’t argue with her sense of timing.  Or I could but I’d be wrong.  Where’s Jasper?  Good job back there.  Attagirl.”  She gave Jasper a comradely slug in the knee.

“Thanks,” Jasper said, managing to refrain from patting her on the head in response.  It was weird getting praised by a Ruby, even if she hadn’t been a standard-issue Ruby for a long time.  She was short and sturdy and stocky like they always were, obviously, with hair like a foam cushion and chunky little arms and legs all ready to do some damage.  Weirder still to think that she was half of Garnet.

“We’re all just very glad you’re back with us, Ruby,” Pearl said, and bent to hug her as well.  “Steven, it’s time you were back in bed.  I don’t want you crabby in the morning.”

“Okay, but I really wanna introduce Ruby to Connie.  We can do that, right?  I mean, even if Sapphire comes back before she can come over after school?  Or would it suck too much for you guys to stay separate till then?”

“I think we’d survive,” Ruby said. “Come on, though, Pearl’s right.  You oughtta be in bed.”  She started bulldozing him back toward the stairs against his laughing protests.

Jasper gave Pearl a small nudge.  “You feel better?”

“Much,” Pearl said, looping her arm into Jasper’s elbow and leaning her head against her arm.  “We’re nearly all together again.  And perhaps we can _finally_ see about that door.”

 

Seeing about the door involved going across town to a hardware store and lumber yard where the owner evidently knew Pearl and respected the heck out of her.  Jasper followed behind them while they walked around the store discussing measurements and varnish and other things she had no idea about, trying not to knock things over and just generally feeling out of place and oversized but proud that Pearl clearly knew exactly what she was talking about and had three or four ways in mind of getting it done.  She’d settled on a barn-style door that would slide from side to side on a track attached to the wall; apart from anything else, it had the virtue of being very simple and not needing to fit the shape of the rough archway into the cavern, only to cover it.  It wasn’t going to be particularly soundproof, but she also had fancy plans for hanging a heavy curtain, possibly velvet, on the inner side that would help take care of that.

The hardware human, a slab-shaped man with grey hair and a thick red-and-black chequered shirt, kept casting apprehensive glances up at her, and that was even though she’d shrunk herself to two metres high.  She hadn’t personally seen enough humans in real life to get a good sense of their average dimensions, but she was getting the increasing impression that Pearl was actually a pretty normal height for a female adult and the fact that she was more or less the size and shape their minds were expecting helped humans to overlook things like her colouring and the size of her eyes and the large stone set into her forehead and just _talk_ to her.  She wasn’t too sure about it, but she was wondering whether if she could force herself to be maybe twenty, thirty centimetres shorter, being orange wouldn’t be such a barrier to interaction.  It was one thing to be gratified by people looking up at you in awe, another to be mildly annoyed by the way they wouldn’t look you in the eye or talk to you if there was someone nearer their own size they could talk to _about_ you as if you needed a spokesperson.

On the other hand, it was already an effort to stay this size and if she had to squidge herself down any smaller she was pretty sure her temper would suffer.  She kept her hands in her pockets (pockets had definitely been a good idea for this form) and kept her elbows in, and feigned polite interest in the question of exactly what kind of tree the door should be made out of.  Her own understanding of the different kinds of tree was limited to big, medium, small and dead, and as far as she could see all of them here were dead and neatly sliced.  Apparently oak was a good thing, though, which Pearl thought suited the room and its occupant, so several thick slices of oak it was.

“You want to borrow the truck to get these home?” the hardware man asked.

“No need.  I’m sure Jasper can carry this.”

“If you wanna try, be my guest; I can always call you an ambulance,” he said, stepping back.

It was probably mean, but Jasper made a point of maintaining eye contact while she bent, scooped up the boards and lifted them onto her shoulder.  

“Okay,” he said quietly.  “Okay, well, I’ll just get the rest of the hardware into a sack for you ladies.”

“Thank you,” Pearl said brightly.  She paid him for the wood and all the other stuff with crumpled paper money from an envelope and they began their walk home, Jasper balancing the bundle of timber on her shoulder and holding the large paper sack containing a quantity of things that clanked in the crook of her arm against the opposite hip.  Pearl strolled alongside, continually glancing up and getting into such a state of appreciation of Jasper’s size and strength that she became quite skittish and started doing silly things like skipping backwards in front of her and indulging in gratuitous twirling.  She kept up a constant happy chatter about all the ideas she had to make Jasper’s room cosy and nice.

“Quick question,” Jasper said, seizing the opportunity to slip a word in edgewise when Pearl paused to look both ways before waving her on to cross the street.

“Yes, sunflower?”  She beamed up at her.

“Well, I guess - do you want it to be your room too?  Maybe stay every night?”

“Oh,” Pearl said, her smile dimming a little, though it didn’t shut off altogether.  She reached up to hold Jasper’s arm crooked around the paper sack.  “The time I spend there with you is so precious to me, but you know my room has been _mine_ for thousands of years.  All my treasures are there, and I have it just the way I want it, and - well, I do want to _visit_ you all the time.  And don’t you think it’s good for you too to have your own private place, that other people only come into if you invite them?  A sanctum sanctorum for your own thoughts and dreams?”

“So is Lapis going to get her own private place, or will you two keep on sharing?  I’m not being jealous,” she added hastily, “I’m just not sure why you’re okay with it.  I mean, you can’t be private with her there, right?  It’s not _your_ sanctum thing any more.”

_“Jasper,”_ Pearl said, fondly but with a touch of exasperation, “you’re exactly as welcome in my room as Lapis is.  I didn’t think you _wanted_ to come in there because things have been so difficult between the two of you.  It seemed easier if your room was my special place with you, and mine was my special place with her.  Maybe we can change that, though - especially after she took such care of you when you were reforming.”

“Maybe,” Jasper said.  She didn’t think it was a good idea to tell Pearl about the stamping and the I-hate-you.  If she found out about them on her own that was different, but she didn’t want to be the tell-tale whining that Lapis was being _mean_ to her.

“I think I will talk with her about a place of her own, though.  And we really should at least offer Peridot the same, though she and Amethyst seem perfectly happy living in each other’s pockets.  I _would_ sometimes like to have my room to myself again.  The tricky part will be how to present it so she doesn’t just feel as if I want to get rid of her.”

“It would help if she had any friends besides you.”

“I know,” Pearl sighed.  “I feel so guilty about leaving her alone but I _know_ that’s not healthy or sensible.  I wonder who she might enjoy spending time with, besides Steven?  I found myself hoping the other day that Chalcedony might turn out to be a good friend for her, and we don’t even know what Chalcedony really _is.”_

“Fingers crossed.”

 

Life became downright tranquil for a while.  There was always a lot to do, and yet the days felt very peaceful.  Jasper and Pearl built the door and hung the curtains, and agreed that the effect was pretty much ideal.  Sapphire reappeared one rainy afternoon and very shortly afterward so did Garnet, looking much the same except for having new shoes and slightly puffier sleeves.  Steven, Connie and Jasper watched right to the end of the first season of _Sailor Moon,_ with frequent pauses during the second-to-last episode because at any given point either Steven or Jasper was guaranteed to be crying.  Connie was made of sterner stuff but still blubbed at the coloured-pencil ghosts.

“Why do you _watch_ it if it makes you feel so _awful?”_ Lapis asked, honestly perplexed.  “It’s morbid.”  She had been on her way out to the beach and stopped in a mixture of consternation and plain confusion.

“Because we love them!” Steven wailed.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Jasper said, wiping her face with a handful of paper towels.  The tissues had given out long ago and they were all just hoping they wouldn’t have to resort to toilet paper.

“Oh, of course, I’m incapable.”

“No, I mean because you haven’t been watching from the beginning and getting to know them and they’re all so amazing.  Even Mercury!  I was so hard on her but in the end she was so valiant!  Jupiter, Jupiter didn’t know she was going to die, but Mercury _had_ to know after what happened to Jupiter and she was so _brave_ and she, and she, and she told Usagi she’d wouldn’t die and-”

“Don’t get all worked up again,” Connie said, patting her back soothingly.  “I know Ami forgives you.”

Jasper sniffed hugely.  “But I was so _mean_ to her.”

“She’s fictional and you’re all loonies,” Lapis said, flinging up her hands and flouncing out.

“Well, you’d think she’d care more about a fellow bluehead,” Connie said, which had the benefit of making Jasper laugh and ease up on the self-reproach a bit.

The weather got gloomier, but that made the house seem cosier.  Peridot appointed herself chief firelighter and applied her full intellect to the question of optimal marshmallow-toasting technique.  Amethyst ate the burnt ones.  Pearl went on a mission to a deep dark forest to recover the other known Skeleton Stone and presented it to Jasper, saying it was well past time she had a key of her own.  

Vidalia began work on a large-scale portrait of Jasper which required a lot of sittings in Art Nouveau drapery with a sheaf of artificial sunflowers in her lap and being climbed on by Onion, who was apparently trying to make paintingbombing a thing.

“I really should have started this in summer so we could have used real sunflowers,” Vidalia said, dabbling a deeper shade of cadmium yellow on her palette.  “Still, you can’t hurry inspiration.  I know I’m asking a lot, Jasper, but can you try to relax a bit while keeping still?  Your face looks a little stiff.”

“I’m sitting in a draughty garage wearing a sheet, it’s not all that relaxy.”

Vidalia laughed.  “Fair point, but I did bring the space heater in.  Pretend we’re in Arles or something.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Arles is a town in the south of France where the artist van Gogh did some of his best work.  The golden sunshine there inspired him.  The thing about van Gogh is, he was unappreciated in his time, couldn’t sell any of his work, but these days everyone loves him.  We’re doing a tribute to him with the sunflowers, but the other artist we’re paying tribute to is Alphonse Mucha, who _was_ commercially successful - in fact a big part of the point of his work is that it _was_ commercial.  Art Nouveau belonged to the industrial age of mass production, and he was creating these works of incredible graceful beauty to sell cigarettes and biscuits.  What I’m doing here is kind of multilayered and pretentious.  I want it to be beautiful and vivid and fantastic so it has a direct visual appeal, which is obviously where you come in.  And I’m including these commercially popular, successful elements, the van Gogh sunflowers, the Art Nouveau styling, both to _sell_ it and I hope to get the viewer to think about what sells in art and why.  And what art _helps_ to sell.”

“Wow, that’s complicated.”

“Not too complicated, I hope.  Like I said, I still want it to have that direct appeal where looking at it just makes you feel good.  To help your face along, try thinking about things that make _you_ feel good.”

“What kind of good?” Jasper asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Keep it G/PG,” Vidalia said, grinning.  “We need to keep this fit for public exhibition.”

“Aw, okay.  I’ll stick to the cute fluffy stuff.”

“Just like that, that’s great.  Kind of dreamy and lazy like you’re basking in the sun.”

“In Arles?”

“Yeah!  Maybe on a picnic blanket with Pearl.”

“They have a beach in Arles?”

“They’re inland but there’s a river.”

“Okay then, we’ll lay the blanket somewhere nice on the riverbank and lie in the sun.”

“I’m happy I could facilitate this.  Your left arm’s slipping a little, remember to keep your hand above your knee.”

“Right, right.”

Vidalia didn’t need her to sit every day she worked on the painting, and on the days she did Jasper just walked over to her house, no need for anyone keeping an eye on her.  It would strike her sometimes how strange that was, just walking through this alien town as if she belonged here.  People were getting used to the sight of her, even if it was a reduced sight they were getting.  There were even some who would greet her on the street; the tiny old lady from the pizzeria, doughnut Sadie, Vidalia’s older son Sour Cream and his friends.  It got so she hoped she would see them when she went out.  

She was heading out one day when Steven called her back.  He’d been baking like a demon all morning and had racks of cookies cooling on every flat surface.

“Hey, if you’re going to Vidalia’s, can you stop on the way there or back and give these to my dad?”  He was shovelling cookies into a paper bag.

“Okay.  Why the baking frenzy?”

“There’s a bake sale at Connie’s school to raise money for the school orchestra.  I have basically no idea what any of that entails, but I’m helping with cookies!”  He folded down the top of the bag, taped it and wrote on it with a marker, “For Dad, lots of love from Steven.”

She carried it carefully; cookies were easily crushed.  It seemed easier to get the drop-off out of the way rather than trying to remember to do it later, so she made a slight detour on the way to Vidalia’s to stop at the car wash.  The neon It’s A Wash sign was shining, and stuck on the pole supporting it were a series of wooden signboards of varying age.  “Guitar Lessons,” “Dog Grooming,” “I Could Probably Wash A Horse Come To That,” and newest and snazziest, “Graphic Design.”

On the forecourt Greg was sitting on a folding lawn chair, plunking quietly on an acoustic guitar.  He looked up and smiled when Jasper approached.  “Oh hey, Jasper.”

“You having a slow day?” she asked.

“Kind of a not-moving day,” he admitted.  “What brings you here?”

“Steven sent you these.”  She held out the cookies.  “I’m just the messenger.”

“Aw, he’s such a good kid.”  He opened the bag and sniffed appreciatively.  “You want some?”

“Thanks, I don’t really like sweet food.”  She looked again at all the signboards.  “Are all those you?”

“Oh yeah, I’m the original one-man band.”

“You must be pooped.”

“Some days,” he admitted, nodding.  “Other days, well, I just get good and ready to have something to do again.”

She left him improvising a song about cookies, which struck her as a particularly Stevenish thing to do, and went on her way to Vidalia’s house, where she politely inspected Onion’s mouse’s babies (they were little wriggly pink things that gave her the serious heebie-jeebies) before settling down with her sheet and sunflowers.

“Are you thinking sunny Arles picnic thoughts?” Vidalia asked.  “You look like you’ve got a headache.”

“I’m having kind of heavy thoughts.  Can I ask you something?”

“Ask away,” Vidalia said, setting aside her brush and picking up her mug of tea.

“Money is a big thing on this planet, isn’t it?”

“Oh yeah.  Mostly because people _believe_ it is, so they tend to forget it’s just something we made up, but yeah.  Gotta have it to get anything done.”

“And you earn money selling paintings, and your guy Yellowtail earns money catching fish and seling them, right?”

“Right.  Not as much as we’d like, but we’re doing okay as long as we’re careful.”

“And people can get into a lot of trouble over money, like Han Solo owing all that money to Jabba the Hutt so he sent bounty hunters after him - or was that just part of the whole space-fantasy thing?”

“No, that’s one of the most realistic parts.”

“I mean, you said one time that if you hadn’t been able to sell that painting of Amethyst you’d have had to keep doing your laundry in the bath, right?  I didn’t really understand at the time, but these days I help with Steven’s laundry and it’s a pain in the butt even with machines.”

“True, and you’ve only got _one_ growing boy’s laundry to deal with.  Though I’m being a teensy bit disingenuous there, Sour Cream does his share.”  She tipped her head to one side curiously.  “What brought this on?  You’re just realising now that capitalism kind of sucks?”

“So to get money, you’ve got to sell something, right?  It can be something you make or something you go find or catch or harvest or whatever.”

“That, or you do work for other people, doing the stuff they don’t want to do themselves, or don’t know how to do, or doing more than they could do alone,” Vidalia said, nodding.  “You get paid for the time you spend and the skills you use, as well as for actual _things._  Like, I could sell you a canvas and some paint, or I could sell you a painting I made with those things, and they’d be the same _materials_ but the painting would be worth a lot more.  I spent time on it, I put energy into it, and I used skills most people don’t have that I’ve spent years developing.  Or if I were, say, a baker, my bread and cakes would be worth more than the flour and yeast and sugar and eggs and stuff I put into them.  Making sense?”

“I guess.  I’m just trying to figure out where _our_ money comes from, because none of the Crystal Gems sells anything or works for anyone, but there’s always money to buy Steven’s food, and all kinds of stuff we use around the house.”

“I guess I thought you knew.  Greg pays for everything.”

“Everything?  But that’s not fair.  I understand paying for things for Steven, Steven’s _his,_ but if all our money comes from Greg then he paid for my shower and the door on my room and I’ve never done a thing for him except lift his van one time so Pearl could fix it.”  A memory flickered back to life.  “Oh my gosh, they were _talking_ about that.  It went over my head at the time but Pearl was saying he needed to get a new van and he was saying he couldn’t afford it.  He can’t afford a new van for himself but he’s paying for _my_ stuff.  This is horrible!  I’m a parasite!”

“Calm down,” Vidalia said, holding up a hand.  “Don’t blame yourself for things you didn’t know about, they’re not your fault.  It’s only your fault if _after_ you know you don’t do anything about it.”

“But Pearl must know.  I don’t understand why she’d do that.”

“I guess you would have to ask her.  Maybe the way she sees it, she pays Greg back by doing things like fixing his van?  It all gets a little vague when we’re talking about favours for friends and family and so on.  I mean, keep in mind, she may have _said_ to Greg, ‘Hey, is it okay to use some of this money to help Jasper settle in?’ and _he_ may have said, ‘Yeah, go for it’.”

“But I didn’t know anything about it, and it’s _about_ me.  Partly, anyway.  I have to tell Pearl not to do that any more.”  She leaned forward anxiously.  “You don’t think Greg’s in debt, do you?”

“I honestly don’t know.  I’d be surprised if he doesn’t have _some_ debts at his age and with his responsibilities, but listen, I promise you, real-life creditors do not sic Boba Fett on you and freeze you in carbonite.  They just ruin your credit rating, which in some ways feels worse.”  She drained her tea and put the mug down.  “Okay, I can see this isn’t a good day for a sitting.  Why don’t you get your clothes back on and go talk this over with Pearl?”

“I think I need to talk to Greg first.  I should apologise - and I owe you an apology, I’m sorry I’m bailing on you like this.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it.  I’ve got some commissions I can get on with.  Go clear your conscience - but Greg being Greg, I doubt he’ll understand what you’re even worried about.”

 

It seemed he really didn’t, the way he kept waving away her concerns and assuring her that it all went towards making a happy home for Steven.

“But it’s not _fair,”_ Jasper protested.  She’d unconsciously embiggened on the way over, she was so het up, and she had to crouch just to talk to him.  “Now I have this super-sweet cosy room with fairy lights and you live in a crappy little van!  Sorry, I know you love your van, but come on!”

“Well, I’ve been living out of my van for quite a while,” Greg demurred.  “It’s not because you showed up.  Once Steven moved in with the Gems it just didn’t make sense to keep my apartment when I could live cheaper like this.  I don’t need a lot, Jasper.  I’ve got a warm dry place to sleep, I’ve got food and drink, I’ve got my musical gear - I’ve got a bathroom in back of the car wash office with a shower stall, so I’m basically aces.”

Jasper folded her arms across her knees and rested her chin on them, thinking.  “You do need stuff, though.  Pearl says you need to replace your van.”

“Well, okay, yes, that’s something I’m working on.  I’m saving a little each week.  Most weeks.  Some weeks.”

“What else do you have to spend money on?  For yourself, not Steven or us.”

“Well, there are the water and power bills for this place, plus data.  There are all the cleaning products and polishes and stuff for the cars, not to mention the dogs these days.  There’s insurance in case the whole place catches fire or something.  There’s taxes and the accountant I pay to help me deal with the taxes because woof, taxes.  Are you mad?  You look mad.”

“I’m thinking really hard.”  She scrunched her eyes closed for a long moment.  “You could get more done and earn more money if you had another person working for you, right?”

“Well, yeah, but I can’t afford to pay anyone to work for me.”

“That’s okay.  I don’t need paying.  You just teach me how to wash cars and dogs and I’ll help you out.  That way if a dirty car and a dirty dog show up at the same time, you don’t have to sent one of ‘em away or tell them to wait, right?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” he said, laughing nervously.

“No, but I’m gonna.”

“I would feel like I was exploiting you!”

“You’re the one getting exploited here, I’m trying to _un_ -exploit you.”

“Okay, okay, let’s be cool here.  How about a week’s trial?  No commitment, you can quit any time you want.”

“Deal.”  Jasper spat on her hand and held it out.  Greg looked a little apprehensive at the size of her paw but spat and shook in return.

“Um, okay then.  So… I open up at eight in the morning, but if that’s too early for you-”

“I’ll get here early and help you set up,” she said vehemently.  “Anything I need to bring with me?”

“Uh, no, but… well, I’m not criticising the way you dress in _any_ way but the kind of space-warrior-princess thing you’ve got here isn’t exactly car wash attire.  I mean, just plain work pants or shorts and a teeshirt is fine.  Nothing fancy.”

“I own a teeshirt!  I’ll see what I can do about the pants.”  She straightened up, realising belatedly that it was quite a long way down to Greg’s level.  “Oh, and I’ll be shorter.  Not too much shorter - I stop at two metres, for my dignity.”

“Okay.  Dignity’s good.”

“See you tomorrow, Greg.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like how Jasper's approach to a job search is to show up, glower, and tell someone they're hiring her until they give up and agree that she is hired.


	24. Chapter 24

What Jasper hadn’t quite foreseen was that she’d made _more_ work for Greg, since she needed training to be able to do basically anything.  The first day was a quiet one, so he managed to give her a decent grounding in the basics of hand-washing cars using the van for a demonstration model.  It wasn’t quite as solid as it looked but she managed to pop the dent out of the hood so it almost didn’t show, and she had a better sense of how hard to scrub from then on.  

The second day was busy and after some instruction she ended up giving an Irish wolfhound a bath more or less unsupervised.  The dog didn’t seem to mind her lack of professional experience, and she was starting to think Steven might be right about her being good with animals.  According to her owner, Olive normally hated baths so much she could be heard howling streets away; the whole reason she was paying for her to be washed outside the home was that she was afraid the neighbours thought she was slowly killing her dog.  The only protest Olive had raised to Jasper bathing her was some mild whining and sneezing, and once she was dried off and brushed out a bit she was all smiles again.  That was satisfying.

Over the next few days she learned an assortment of things, including but not limited to why “wax on - wax off” was a joke (she still didn’t get it), the extreme importance of making sure all windows were rolled right up tight before you started hosing a vehicle down, the extreme difficulty and tedium of drying out a Chevy Suburban after you had made that discovery, and how to play the chords C, A and G (theoretically, if there had been a guitar the right size for her to play).  She learned that she needed to go up a size in teeshirts because sleeves falling off, or at least shoulder seams ripping, were genuinely a problem.  She learned that there had to be some form of music playing all day, and that there were more songs than she’d ever realised there could be, and that nobody sang along more enthusiastically to “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson than Greg Universe.  She was still pretty sure that singing herself was a bad idea but she found she was enjoying humming.

She learned that customers were either lovely people or infuriating morons with very little in between; she learned also that it was better to let Greg field the infuriating morons than to deal with them herself because while he probably learned a salutary lesson from it, she felt a little ashamed to have made that one guy pee his pants.  She learned that dogs loved her and she loved them back and wanted forty.  She learned that Doughnut Sadie probably had a little crush on her because nobody actually needed to get their bike washed three times in three days, which was really quite flattering.  She learned that people were going to stare at her a _lot,_ particularly if her clothes got wet; some stares just felt like honest aesthetic admiration (e.g. Doughnut Sadie) but others were best shut down with a death glare.

She learned that Pearl found it entirely perplexing that she would even think to do what she was doing, but was willing to support her if she thought it was important, and, to her profound relief, _had_ actually checked with Greg that it was all right to use some of the family budget for Jasper-related projects.  

“If I’d known it would bother you I’d have mentioned it, but it never occurred to me that it would,” she said, shrugging.  “Well, if you’re… _working,_ good for you for working hard.  Steven can always use role models.”

Jasper learned that despite having literally superhuman strength and stamina, a full day’s manual labour tended to take it out of her, and by the time she got home it was nice to lie down flat on her face for a while and have Pearl walk on her back.  She learned that despite it defeating the whole purpose of their arrangement, Greg would insist on trying to pay her at the end of the week and had to be firmly refused.  When he asked her to stay on and said she was doing a great job, she learned that his approval meant a lot more to her than she’d thought, and that doing a great job washing cars and dogs actually offered satisfactions that conquering planets did not.  After all, dogs would lick your face and wag their tails so hard that they lost control of their butts and wiggled in circles.  

She found that she liked humans, at least selected individual humans, a lot more than she’d anticipated too.  She’d been thinking of Connie and Vidalia as special cases, extraordinary beings well out of the common run of their species, since after all Connie had been found worthy to bear Rose Quartz’s sword and Vidalia, well, Vidalia was Amethyst’s friend.  That had seemed a good explanation for why she felt friendship for them on the same kind of level she would for a fellow Gem.  Maybe that was wrong, though.  

There was Greg, obviously; you could argue that Greg must be a special person because otherwise why would _Rose Quartz_ ever have loved him, but then, Doughnut Sadie hadn’t been honoured by the love of a near-goddess and indeed seemed to be pretty woefully underappreciated by the local talent, and she was awesome.  There was the boy called Buck, Sour Cream’s friend, who came by weekly for guitar lessons from Greg and listened to him with the gravest respect and seemed imperturbably cool.  There was the tiny old pizza lady, who turned out to be called Nanefua and liked to come by on her daily walks and give her advice on life and filleting fish.  If there were also dropkicks like Doughnut Lars and strange sweaty dweebs like Buck’s dad (who more than once came to pick him up in a yodelling shame truck with a revolving effigy of his own head on the top), well, they were probably what Greg was talking about with the pork chops and the hot dogs.

It was a few weeks before she began to feel as if she knew what she was doing most of the time.  There were still weak points, like how horrible she was at mental arithmetic (Amethyst dug up from somewhere a calculator with very large buttons that she said was for nerdy old people, and that helped), but she also had strong points that the typical car wash employee didn’t, like the ability to pick a car up and turn it over to make it easier to scrub crud off the underside, if underside crud was an issue.  She picked up a secondary job too, exercising two huskies whose owner had bought them on the basis that they looked like magnificent direwolves and hadn’t realised they would need to be taken for an hour’s run every day, rain or shine.  That job actually paid; since Greg refused to accept donations she put the money in a jar at home which Peridot labelled the Slush Fund.  She would probably figure out something to do with it at some stage.  In the meantime Sansa and Arya were quickly becoming her favourite dogs in town, although Olive still had a place of honour due to being her first customer and she had an inexplicable soft spot for an overweight pug called Snorlax.

She dropped a few hints at home about getting a dog, but Steven was worried Lion would eat it and Garnet claimed to be deathly allergic.

And then she had Pearl, and that was so extravagantly wonderful that it was still sometimes a surprise that it was really happening.  Granted, she was starting to pick up on some of the difficulties of life and love with Pearl, like the way she clearly wasn’t going to say anything to Lapis about a room of her own until she had thought of the perfect way to say it that couldn’t possibly make Lapis angry or upset _ever,_ but on the other hand there was all the sweetness and the outrageous flirtation and the terrible jokes and the furtive gropes and the squeals and giggles that led into little sighs and moans and strange ecstatic humming and trilling.  She had been personally the subject of four spontaneous songs, one of which could be repeated in public if you cut out the third verse.  She hummed the tunes in her head when she was by herself.

The fact that she would hum at work but not sing seemed be be some kind of personal challenge to Greg.  He kept trying to trick her with call-and-response songs, which initially didn’t work because she didn’t know them.  Then he snuck under her guard with “Minnie the Moocher,” which she hadn’t even realised she had picked up, and was insufferably pleased about it for the rest of the day.

“Shouting back ‘hi-de-hi-de-hi’ does not count as singing,” she objected.

“You even got the ‘skip-de-diddle’ part right, though, and most people have given up by that point!”

“Whatever, I’m not singing.”

“But why _not?_ You clearly _like_ music.”

“Greg,” she said with heavy patience, “you can hear my voice.  My voice is loud and and deep and raspy.  It’s a good voice in a lot of ways but it’s not a singing voice.  Singing voices should be like - well, like Pearl’s.”

“Nope.  Pearl has a beautiful voice and voices like hers will always be popular, but there are all _kinds_ of great voices, including deep raspy ones.”

“Sure, for humans.  It’s different for Gems.”

“I don’t get why.  Seriously, if there’s something I’m missing, can you explain it to me?”

She thought about it.  “Crap.  I got nothing.”  Just another thing she hadn’t realised she had no reason for believing.

“I knew it!  Okay, I’m going to make you a mix tape to show you what I’m talking about.  Well, a mix CD, but that never sounds right because I’m so horribly old.”

Whereupon he disappeared into the office and left her to hold the fort, occasionally sticking his head out to ask whether she’d heard of Bonnie Tyler or Alison Moyet.

“No!”

 

The mix tape didn’t actually appear until a few days later, in lieu of payday.  It was a plain silvery CD in an orange plastic case, with “JASPER MIX (contralto or lower) - FROM GREG” written on it in black marker.  Also, Greg signed his name with a star after it, like a dork.

“There’s a track listing in the back of the case so you can look up their other stuff, and there’s also a few songs in there that didn’t really fit the vocal theme but that I just thought you’d like.  Enjoy!”

“Thanks.”

At home she borrowed a Discman from Amethyst, and since Pearl was out at sea dancing with Lapis, spent most of the evening listening to her new songs.  Some of them were vaguely familiar as if she’d heard them once or twice on the work radio.  She definitely knew “Holding Out For a Hero” because Greg was compelled not only to sing along with it but to dance and had skinned both his knees in the process.  She didn’t like them all, but there were some that went round and round in her head, especially “Is This Love?”  She slightly wanted to shake Alison Moyet and tell her that it was _obviously_ love, but it was still a damn good song.  In the end it made her lonely and she went up to the living room hoping someone would be around.

Only Steven was, and he was up in his loft playing a video game while Lion slept on his bed.  She wandered over and put one knee on the couch and her chin on the edge of the loft.  “Hi.”

“Hi!  Just a sec - I can’t save here - dah!”  He squirmed around and mashed buttons and jerked his whole body in the direction he wanted his little game person to go until he’d cleared the level and gave a little whoop of triumph before subsiding.  “How you doing?”

“Kind of bored.  Can I come up if I don’t throw you off your game?”

“I play my best when I have a big friend for a backrest!”

“Thanks.”  She climbed the stairs, he scooted forwards and she sat down, arranging her legs either side of him.  “So what’s the game?”

_“Ocarina of Time._  It’s pretty old but I love it because music’s an important part of the game, and it has all these cool side quests.  You see the little guy in green?  That’s my guy, he’s called Link.  I’m trying to get him a horse.”

She watched while he played and gave her a running commentary on all the places and people and creatures in the game.  It wasn’t so much the game she was enjoying - watching someone else play a game was never going to be her idea of entertainment - as his voice and his enthusiasm and the warm, calming feeling of comfort that always seemed to radiate from Steven.  He always smelled nice, too, which was surprising because he was frankly kind of a sweaty kid.  Human BO had come as something of a shock; she’d thought Greg was sickening for something when she first noticed the whiff coming off him on a warm day.  Steven just smelled like bubblegum, or from her point of view, bubblegum smelled like Steven, since she’d encountered them out of order.  

Bubblegum was less of a shock than BO; the first person to offer her some had been Sadie and she was frankly impressed that humans had managed to come up with food you could chew and taste but didn’t have to eat.  The basic pink kind was too softly sweet for her liking but the cinnamon kind was good.  She’d spent a whole lunch break learning to blow bubbles with Sadie coaching her.  Lunch breaks were another unnecessary thing Greg insisted she have so he didn’t feel like an evil Victorian mill owner, whatever that was.  She’d never noticed him taking more of a lunch break than he needed to eat a sandwich standing up, but apparently it meant a lot to him for her to sit around contributing nothing for at least half an hour a day, so okay.

“Jasper?”  Steven waved his hand in front of her face.

“Sorry, what?  I zoned out.”

“You’re kind of quiet, are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine.  I was thinking about bubblegum.”

“Do you want some?  I think I’ve got the end of a roll of Bubble Tape somewhere.”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Jasper?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it weird for you when Pearl goes out with Lapis?  I hope that’s not a rude question.”

“It’s okay.  Yeah, it’s sort of weird.  Mostly I just miss her.  But that might be a good thing, like I appreciate her more when she comes back.”

“Jasper?”

“Again, yeah?”

“Do you want to be friends with Lapis?”

She gave it some thought.  “I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends but I’d like it if we could feel better about each other.  I don’t know how to make things up to her when she’s so prickly, but it’s not like I can blame her for the prickles.”

“You know she took really good care of you when you were in your gem, right?”

“So they tell me.  I just can’t understand why, since right after I came back she told me she hated me.”

“Aw, Jasper!”  He wriggled round and hugged her round the waist.  “I don’t think she really truly hates you.  Lapis gets scared and mad and she… I don’t know, she acts out?  I think they call it that?  And I think she acts meaner than she really feels _because_ she’s scared, kind of like animals.”

“Maybe it’d help if I thought of her as kind of a bitey blue poodle,” she said, scruffling his hair.

“Yeah?  Why a poodle?”

“I was reading up on dog breeds for work and the word poodle basically means splash, so that suits Lapis, right?”

“Neat!  Hey, what kind of dogs would the rest of us be?”

“I dunno.  And Peridot and Amethyst are cats.”

“Okay, but the rest?”

“Uh… okay, I don’t think Garnet would mind being a boxer.  Pearl has to be something super fancy and beautiful with a pointy nose.  Maybe a greyhound or a borzoi.  I’ll be some kind of mastiff, and you can be a Newfoundland puppy that’s going to grow up huge.”

“You think I’ll grow up huge?” he asked, beaming.

“Wouldn’t it be weird if you didn’t?  You’re a Quartz and you’re not overcooked.”

“I dunno, I’m pretty little now.  One time I kind of aged myself up because of birthdays and fog, and I was a big guy then, but I don’t know if that’s how I _will_ grow up or how I _imagined_ I’d grow up.  Sometimes I don’t know if I’m going to grow _up_ any more at all.  You know in this game?  You start out playing Link as a kid and then there’s a part where he gets sealed away for seven years and comes out as an adult.  Maybe something like that’ll happen.  It’d make as much sense as anything else in my life, right?”

“Maybe, but don’t make it seven years.  Everyone’d miss you and Pearl would be miserable.”

“Maybe if I really, really _want_ to grow up in synch with Connie, that’ll happen,” he said, frowning in thought.  “I don’t want her to leave me behind, but I don’t want to mess it up and jump ahead of her either.”

“I wish I could give you advice, but I know exactly nothing about human growing-up.”

“No one knows _anything_ about human Gem growing-up, that’s the problem.”

“I bet you invent a really good way to do it and if there are other human Gems some day you’ll teach them.”

“That’d be nice, but weird.  I mean, someone else would have to give up her physical form for there to be another human Gem, as well as find a human she wanted to have a baby with, and it’s hard to imagine any of you guys doing that.”

“Yeah, true.  But there are an awful lot of Gems in the galaxy, and you never know.”

“Jasper?”

“I’m still here.  You’re still squishing me.”

“I… feel weird about asking Garnet and Pearl this, because I don’t want to make them sad.  Do you know anything about why my mom would have decided to do what she did?  It’s not like I don’t want to exist, I _love_ existing, it’s just I think she loved it too and I can’t understand why she chose a way that meant she had to stop.  It’s not like if a human mom dies.  I mean that’s exactly as sad, but when a human lady decides she wants to have a baby, she’s expecting to keep on living and bring it up.  Why did my mom decide she wanted to have a baby if she _knew_ she couldn’t live and bring me up?  Did - did she think she didn’t matter?”

“Oh, Steven.  I wish I knew.  I don’t get it either.  I guess I just try to trust she had a really special, important reason that she couldn’t tell, otherwise I get mad because it feels so unfair.  Unfair for her and you and Greg and Pearl and everyone.  Your mom was kind of my hero, if someone can be your hero and the enemy.  Well, she was a big deal to me.  And it’s not like _I_ don’t want you to exist, because you’re really neat.  I just still wish we could have had it both ways.”

“Yeah, me too.”  He sat back on his heels and sniffed back a couple of tears and wiped his nose on his wrist.

“Hey, if it wasn’t for you being you I wouldn’t be who I am now.  Beautiful girlfriend, fun job, not actively ruining people’s lives every day.  Maybe Rose Quartz could see the kind of person you could be and what you could do for people - I don’t mean just for me, _I’m_ not that important, but who knows what you’ll do in the future?  Maybe it was like… like when Anakin Skywalker has crappy sweaty prophecy dreams about Padmé dying and he wants the power to prevent that, except Rose Quartz had a dream about you coming into the world and her leaving it, and she could see you’d do something amazing if she did.  So instead of trying to change it and getting all messed up and going to the Dark Side, she looked for a way to make it come true because it would be the best thing for everyone?”

He shook his head.  “I still don’t like that.  I - I know I’ve got stuff I have to do but I don’t want to be a Chosen One.”

“If it helps, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any prophecies about you bringing balance to the Force.”

“Good.  If there are no prophecies I can make it up as I go along.”  He yawned, and it occurred to her that it was probably late by his standards.  She looked over at his bedside clock, and it was past ten.

“You should probably be in bed.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Go and brush your ears or whatever you have to do.”

“Okay.  Even if you don’t know the answers, thanks for talking about it with me.”  He got to his feet and hugged her round the neck, leaning against her for a moment before turning away to go down the stairs, yawning bigger still.

“Any time.”  She managed a fine-tuned pat on his back that wouldn’t shove him down the stairs.  When he was gone, Lion rolled over on the bed and dumped its heavy head on her shoulder with a gusty exhalation through its nose.  “A fat lot of help _you_ are when a kid’s having an existential crisis.”

Lion headbutted her in the cheek and went back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me that I invented a thing called a Skeleton Stone that acts as a skeleton _key_ as a solution to the whole Homeworld-Gems-can't-operate-the-Temple-door problem, which was pretty devious/lazy of me, but I guess I just want to clarify that I made that one up; it's definitely unofficial.


	25. Chapter 25

Jasper spent the whole night lurking around the living room, hoping Pearl was coming home soon.  Occasionally she went out on the deck to see if she could see anything out at sea, but all she could see was the sea.  She kept going back and forth between “Something terrible has happened to them and I should raise the alarm” and “They’re just having a good time and if I make a fuss I’ll look like an alarmist creep” with sideways excursions to “Lapis has persuaded Pearl to live happily ever after with her under the sea and she’ll never come back, they are making seashell bras and giggling _this very minute.”_  She read Steven’s _Sailor Moon_ manga with a flashlight shaded by her hand (she didn’t like it anywhere near as much as the animated version) and tried not to make noise shifting around restlessly.  At some stage she fell asleep on the floor and was woken by Peridot gently poking her face with her soft little sock foot.

“Urrgghhhh,” she said, rolling over.

“I really need to make an organised study of why you sleep like you do,” Peridot said.  “It’s so abnormal - well, atypical.”

“I think Lion infected me with naps back when I was locked up,” Jasper mumbled, covering her eyes with her arm.  “What time is it?”

“Still early.  I got up to make a pot of coffee for Amethyst.”

“Amethyst doesn’t drink coffee.”

“No, but she likes eating the grounds once they’re cold.  Which is supremely disgusting, but I like seeing her happy, so there you go.”  Jasper could hear her padding around in the kitchen, pouring out beans and running the noisy little grinder machine.

“Pearl didn’t come home while I was asleep, did she?”

“I don’t think so, but I wasn’t watching for her.”

“I had my mind all made up to be patient and good while she was out and happy when she came home and then she didn’t come home.”

“That’s weird.  I hope they’re okay.”  

“What actual clock time is it?”

“Microwave says six-fifteen.”

“Okay, if they’re not back by seven-thirty I’m phoning Greg and going looking for ‘em.”

“Why do you need to phone Greg?”

“If you’re not showing up for work you need to phone the boss and tell them.”

“You’re so immersed in their culture.  It’s both fascinating and disturbing.  Do you want some of the actual coffee liquid?  It’s a drink for waking up, isn’t it?”

“It tastes like burnt dirt, so no thanks.”

“How would you look for them, anyway?  You’re scared of the ocean.  Not that I blame you, but it’s a significant obstacle.”

“I don’t know.  I’ll get a boat.”

Steven woke up and came downstairs to make his breakfast.  Jasper hadn’t been planning to worry him, but Peridot went right ahead and told him Pearl and Lapis had been out all night, current whereabouts unknown.

‘Oh… maybe they just forgot the time because they were having fun?”  He glanced anxiously at Jasper.

“We’re not worried yet,” she said firmly.

“And in any case,” Peridot said, “you should eat before you _do_ worry because at this time of day you need the calories.”

Amethyst surfaced next, with a big kiss for Peridot on the basis of the coffee grounds, which she dumped into a cereal bowl and scooped into her mouth on her forefinger, sitting on the kitchen counter and kicking her feet happily.  Steven had gone into the bathroom, and Jasper was eyeing the microwave clock and thinking that she’d need to tell Garnet before setting out on a quest, when they all heard quick light footsteps pattering up the stairs to the deck.

Pearl and Lapis scurried in hand in hand, eyes bright and faces flushed and both smelling of the sea.  Jasper was stuck between wanting to growl at them for stressing her out and thinking that it was hard to be properly mad at anyone looking so pretty.

Lapis bumped her hip into Pearl’s.  “Tell them!” she said.

“All right, let me catch my breath.  Oh, where’s Steven?”

“In the can,” Amethyst said, pausing in licking her bowl.

“It’s all right, we’ll practice our announcement on you and then do Steven and Garnet later,” Pearl said.  “Tomorrow being the night of the full moon, with a forecast for clear skies, we’d like to invite you all to our very first recital.”

“Which we pretty much choreographed last night and rehearsed till the sun came up,” Lapis added.  “It will be either terrible or amazing.”  She looked unprecedentedly happy and excited.

“You could call it water ballet, except it’s actual ballet on the water.  We’re calling it _The Autumn Moon._  Will you all come?”

“Of course we will,” said Amethyst.  “Duh, free entertainment.”

Pearl spun and hugged Lapis, who hugged back, and they skipped in a little semicircle before Pearl broke away and ran to Jasper, grabbing her hands and swinging them together and apart.  “Oh, I hope you’ll like it!”  Before Jasper could answer she had jumped up and thrown her arms around her neck, pressing her cheek against hers.  Jasper’s arms closed around her reflexively to support her weight, though she felt strangely guilty when she saw Lapis’ face over Pearl’s shoulder.  She didn’t look sad so much as irritated and resigned, and she quickly turned away and went over to Peridot to criticise her choice of sweatshirt for the day (airbrushed unicorn).

Pearl’s cheek felt cold and her hair was still damp with sea-spray.  “I hope you weren’t worried,” she murmured, snuggling into Jasper’s warmth.

“I was getting there,” Jasper admitted.  “I’m glad everything’s okay.  You cold?  You feel shivery.”  On the other hand, Pearl did get trembly when she was emotional.

“You could take me downstairs and put me to bed to warm up,” Pearl suggested, with one of her sly little sidelong glances.

“I’ll be late for work,” Jasper said without much conviction.

“Be late.  I love you.”  She gave her the sort of kiss that won all arguments which the other person wanted to lose anyway.

 

Jasper would have liked nothing more than to stay in bed all day with Pearl drowily humming to herself and finger-combing her hair, but she kept thinking about the time.  She’d scavenged an alarm clock from Amethyst’s junk piles, and Peridot had got it working for her, and the alarm must have gone off and reset itelf ages ago, but if she opened her eyes she could see it just past Pearl’s pale smooth shoulder, another face reproaching her.  She blinked and the hands came into focus; it was far later than she’d thought.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ve got to go.”  

She scrambled out of bed, shrinking down, pulling on the huge teeshirt that Buck Dewey had silkscreened with the It’s A Wash elephant logo over her head, then bundling her hair back into a ponytail.

“You don’t have to,” Pearl said, sitting up.  “It’s not like a real job that you could be fired from.  Greg won’t be angry.”

“I know, but I’ve got appointments.  You can’t break promises to dogs, Pearl.”

“You might want to wear pants, then,” Pearl said drily.

“Oh, _crap.”_ She reappeared them in a hurry and dropped back on the bed on her knees to kiss Pearl goodbye.  “I love you.  Can’t wait to see your dance tomorrow.  No, I’ve _got_ to go.  Bye.”

She ran all the way there, which at least gave her a good excuse for being so sweaty, and was just in time to apologise to Greg before Mrs Park drove up to drop off Olivia.  Washing a large dog that was happy to see you was close to taking a bath yourself, so she felt a little less disreputable after that.

She was waving bye to Olivia and thinking she’d actually pulled that off okay when Greg came over and said, “Ahem.”

“Oh, what?”  Her shoulders sagged.

“Number one, of course your private life is your business.  Number two, I know what it’s like to be young and in love.”

“I’m not _young.”_

“You know what I mean.”

“When six thousand years old _you_ reach, look as good you will not.”

Greg pinched his lips together.  “Please don’t make me laugh when I’m trying to be your boss.  This doesn’t come naturally, and your Yoda voice is super weird.”

“Okay, I repeat, what?”

“Just please call if you know you’re going to be late.  That’s all.”

“At the point I knew I was going to be late, stopping to make a phone call wasn’t really an option.”

“C’mon Jasper, I really don’t need to know that.”

“Okay, okay.  I said I’m sorry.  It was special circumstances - I’ve never been late before, right?”

“Well, true, I just - okay, call before you leave the house.”

“It takes me like five minutes to get over here, what would be the point by then?”

“Five less minutes wondering what the heck’s happened to you.”

“Were you _worried_ about me?”

“I was… pre-worried.”

“Aw!”  She put him in a friendly headlock and rubbed the top of his head till it shone.

“Sometimes I think you don’t respect me as your employer.”

“I respect you as Steven’s dad and my good buddy.  And I tell you what, I got tipped, so I’ll go and get you apology coffee and doughnuts.”

“Well, I’m a fool for doughnuts.”

Around mid-afternoon she was around the back of the office playing chase with Snorlax.  The trick with Snorlax was to chase him just enough so he felt like a young springy puppy but not so much that he had a heart attack; it was a delicate balance.  She’d just nabbed him and was getting her face slobbered all over when she heard a high clear voice raised in anger.  Startled, she picked up the pug and looked round the corner of the building.  

Pearl was standing at the edge of the forecourt, looking furious, and Greg was just looking baffled.

“What are you talking about?” he asked plaintively.

“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about and I can’t believe you would sink so low!” She shook something orange and glinting under his nose.  “I’m not stupid, Greg, I know what this is!  You made these for Rose all the time - you even used some of the same _songs!_  Are you really that heartless?”

_“What?”_

“Do you get some kind of perverse thrill out of taking people I love away from me?” Pearl asked shrilly.

“Oh my god, Pearl, it’s not - for one thing, I drew a star on it, not a heart!  For another, _what!?”_

“Scuse me.”  They hadn’t noticed her walking over, and her legs felt weird and shaky.  Pearl looked up at her and seemed to wilt all over.  “What’s going on?”

“I - I was tidying up in your room and I found this.”  She was clutching the plastic case with the mix disc in it.  “And - and I -”

“Greg, can you take over Snorlax?  You’re better at trimming their nails anyway.”

“Sure.”  Greg accepted the dog and hurried away, casting an incredulous glance back over his shoulder.

Jasper crouched down.  “What the hell, Pearl?”

“It’s - you don’t understand, I thought -”

“That was embarrassing!  You thought _what?”_

“I just - I thought -”

“Why didn’t you talk to _me_ first?”

“Would you let me finish?” Pearl snapped.

Jasper sat down heavily.  “Fine.  What?”

“I - I don’t know.”  

She looked so miserable Jasper felt like an asshole for being angry with her, but she was _so_ angry.  She wiped her hands over her face - still kind of slobbery - and raked her fingers back through her hair, trying hard to keep calm and not bellow like she wanted to.  “Are you seriously saying you thought Greg was trying to steal me from you with a mix tape?”

“He used to make them for Rose when he was courting her,” Pearl said faintly.  “And you spend so much time together these days.  And - and I was scared.”

“I don’t understand.  I really, _really_ don’t understand.  You remember this morning, right?  Not to mention, I know I only learned the word lesbian recently but I’m literally the biggest lesbian on the planet.  What could I _possibly_ want with Greg?”

“I didn’t really think you wanted _him._  But he…”

“He made me that disc because he wanted me to feel better about my voice and maybe try singing sometimes.  That’s all it is.  He was being nice.”

“I didn’t realise you felt bad about your voice,” Pearl said, looking more stricken, if possible.

“Can I have that back, please?  I actually like it.”

“H-here.”  She handed it over as if it were too hot to hold onto much longer.

“I _wanted_ to play you some of these songs.  I was _thinking_ about trying to sing one for you.  Now if I listen to them am I just going to think about you coming round here to yell at Greg without even _asking_ me what it meant?  Do you not trust me enough to do that?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  They’re lovely songs, _I_ like some of those songs, like Ella Fitzgerald…”  Pearl trailed off, staring up at her with huge teary eyes.  “I’m sorry, Jasper,” she quavered, “but I was so scared.  I love you so much.”

“I love you too.  Just - leave me alone for a while, okay?”

“But we should talk,” Pearl began to say, her voice cracking and the tears starting to roll down her face, but Jasper was already pushing herself to her feet and hurrying away.  She didn’t want to yell or do something unforgivable like shove Pearl, but she was feeling really close to it.  All she wanted was somewhere to hide until she figured out how to get rid of the shame and anger and the horrible hot sick feeling rolling around in her belly like she’d swallowed a bowling ball.  She ducked into the office, slammed the door and closed the blind in the window before sitting down on the floor and putting her head in her hands to cry.

 

When she’d reached the dry-eyed headachey stage and was just sitting hunched up with her arms wrapped round her knees, the door squeaked open and Snorlax came in, or rather was put in, looking confused about it.  He trotted over to Jasper happily and whined to be picked up, so she cuddled him and he licked the salt off her face and it was a little bit therapeutic.  When she felt calmer, she set him down and went into the poky little bathroom to wash her face before going back out.

It all seemed quiet out here.  The sun was getting low in the sky and Greg was sitting on his old lawn chair with his sunglasses on and his hands folded over his belly, listening to the radio.  It was kind of an apt song; a guitar was playing and a reedy voice was singing that sunset didn’t last all evening and a mind could blow the clouds away.  She sat down beside him, and he glanced over and nodded to her.

“Sorry about everything today,” she said as Snorlax clambered back into her lap.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said.  “First fight?”

“No, I’ve been in tons of fights.”

“First fight with Pearl.”

“Oh.  Yeah.”  She hung her head.

“The first fight with someone you really love feels terrible, but if you can get through it and make up with them, the next fight isn’t as scary because you know it doesn’t have to be the end.”

“What if this is, though?”

“Well, that’d be a real waste, because you two are good together.”

“If we’re so good, why did this have to go and happen?”

“You know why.  Pearl’s Pearl.  She’s insecure.  Honestly, if I’d given it more thought I could have seen that coming and warned you.  You could have showed it to her straight away and told her about it yourself.  Then again, maybe she still would have gone off.  There’s no way to make sure everything goes perfectly.”

“I wish I’d just forgiven her so she could feel better but I was so _mad._  It’s such a gross idea that you would try to _do_ that.  Doesn’t she know you better by now?”

“I would’ve thought so, but who knows.”

“You’re not upset?”

“Well, I am a little.  We don’t live in a Taylor Swift song, for Pete’s sake.  Who has time for that sort of nonsense?  But you know what?  However cheesed off I feel I know Pearl is feeling so much worse.  I mostly feel bad for her.”

“You’re a nice person, Greg.”

“Thanks, kiddo.”

“Got any wise advice about fixing this?”

“Don’t let it fester.  Go talk to her before the end of the day.  You may need a while to get over it and really feel comfortable again, but the longer you don’t talk the longer it’s going to take.”

“I hate how I felt when we were fighting.  I love her so much but I wanted to throw her across the road.  What if I feel like that again?”

“Is this seriously feeling like you might physically do it, or more like when you’re somewhere high up and you accidentally imagine what if you jumped?  Or you’re looking at machinery whizzing round and round and you think ‘what if I just stuck my finger in there a little bit?’”

“I don’t know.  Maybe more like the second one?”

“Sometimes when Steven was a baby and I was carrying him around I used to imagine dropping him and what would happen.  Not just ‘what if he slipped out of my hands’ but ‘what if I let him go?’  It freaked me out and I was scared to ask anyone if they’d ever thought like that in case I was the worst parent ever.  Finally I heard someone talking about it on NPR, total coincidence.   _Everyone_ sometimes gets intrusive thoughts about doing things they _know_ are a horrible idea.  They can be really disturbing but they don’t mean you’re going to do it or you even really _want_ to do it.  They might even be our brains reminding us to be extra careful.”

“But there are people who do it.”  She thought of Anakin choking poor Padmé and felt sick.

“I know.  But you’ve always got a choice, no matter how upset or mad you are.  And I think you’d choose right.  I used to be nervous around you because you’re so big and strong, _and_ you’re so handsy, and I’d think what if some day she just crushes someone, even trying to be friendly?  What if she squishes Steven?  But you’re always careful, and I think that carefulness is a strong enough part of you that you’d always think twice.  So I believe in you.”

“I owe you _all_ the doughnuts for being so wise and mentory.”

“Yes, yes you do, young padawan.  Why don’t you take off a little early today?  I’ll just take it out of your imaginary pay.  Take a walk, clear your head, think about why you love her.  It’ll all get better.”

“Thanks.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter _very nearly_ ended with Jasper crying in the office, but I felt bad about it and wrote her a little bit of comfort and support from Greg, whose continuing patience with lesbian space rock drama is truly saintly.
> 
> At least this time he didn't have to pay for extensive damage to a motel and a diner.


	26. Chapter 26

At least it was a nice… what time of day was this, really?  Afternevening?  The sun wasn’t setting, just sinking, and the light slanted in low and golden and strong so that the tips of the blades of grass in people’s lawns glowed an electric green.  The air was calm without the autumnal bluster Jasper had been getting used to.  Walking home miserable in the pouring rain would have seemed more appropriate, but she guessed she should try to find the upside in not having to be both miserable and wet and cold as well.  She was trying to rehearse in her head for what to say when she saw Pearl, but she didn’t have anything good lined up.  She kept second-guessing, too, because what if she wasn’t in the right?  What if she’d unthinkingly done something Greg wouldn’t be aware of, or had failed to do something, that would account for Pearl being so suspicious?  What would be enough to make her think, even if she _did_ have a suspicion about Greg or someone else, “But I don’t need to worry because I know Jasper loves me?”  Pearl had even _warned_ her that she might get “territorial,” but at the time that had just sounded cute, not mortifying.

She turned off from the paved street and started down the sandy path toward the beach.  Walking with her head down, she didn’t notice Peridot sitting on the grassy slope beside the path until she heard a “Yoo-hoo.”

“Oh.  Hi.”  

“You don’t need to explain anything because I’ve been thoroughly briefed and I’m here to intercept you.”  Peridot got up and dusted grass and sandy dirt off her butt.

“What do you need to intercept me for?”

“Well, don’t you need a friend at the moment?  Amethyst would have come too but she’s taking care of Pearl.  Not that she’s on Pearl’s _side._  Well, she’s _sympathetic_ to Pearl, obviously, but she’s not _against_ you.  In fact she moved in to field Pearl pretty fast because she didn’t want Lapis to catch her, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Lapis’ version of comforting Pearl after a fight with you involved telling her she was probably better off.  We’re on damage control.  Anyway, I’m here, I’m your friend, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.”  She hugged Jasper round the leg, dutifully.  

“Come up here, dummy, it doesn’t work on my leg.”  Jasper scooped her up and hugged her, trying to draw some comfort from it.  It did help, even if Peridot accidentally kneed her in the boob.  “So you know what it was about?”

“According to Amethyst, Greg made you a misleadingly shmoopy mix tape that Pearl found and she ran down to the car wash like a jealous Leeroy Jenkins - whoever that is, you realise I’m quoting - to give Greg a piece of her mind.  And both you and Greg were baffled and insulted and then you were furious with Pearl and you said something that she translated in her head to mean you were breaking up with her effective immediately.  So we were wondering what you _did_ say.”

“She got breaking up from ‘I love you too but leave me alone for a while’?”

“Apparently.  Your eyes look pink.  Did you cry?”

“A little.  It was horrible.  I was so angry with her, and I hated feeling so angry with _her,_ and it was driving me crazy that she didn’t trust me enough or even have the patience to wait for me to come home so she could ask _me_ about it instead of charging over like this was between her and Greg instead of her and me.  And I felt stupid and embarrassed for not even _knowing_ that mix tapes can be a romance thing, and that she yelled at Greg when he didn’t do anything to deserve it, and I even feel bad about being embarrassed of her.  But I need to talk to her or Greg says it’ll fester, except I don’t know what to say.”

“‘I’m not breaking up with you’ could be a good start.  You came back earlier than I expected but Amethyst said it’d be a good idea to start lurking early.  She also thought I should try to keep you occupied for a while so Pearl could cry herself out and be a little calmer when she talks to you.”

“Pearl’s still crying?”

“Obviously I don’t _know,_ because I’ve been at my post here, but when I left the house she didn’t look like she was going to stop any time soon.”

“I have to go see her.”

“All right, but can you keep carrying me?  You walk too fast when you’re emotional and I hate running.”

She put Peridot down at the bottom of the steps, because the last thing she needed right now was mixed messages like walking into the house holding someone else in her arms, and rushed up and in.  She couldn’t see Pearl at first but then she heard a wretched little sob from the direction of the bathroom, and Amethyst making soothing shushing noises.  

Pearl was sitting hunched up on the bathroom floor with her back against the wall and her face buried in a towel, while Amethyst sat beside her with an arm around her.  They both looked up, startled by her entrance, and she dropped on her knees and gathered Pearl up, hugging her tight.  For a long moment she couldn’t get her act together to say anything, so there was just a lot of gusty breathing on both sides.  Then she thought she knew what to say, and tried to say it, and started crying instead.  

“Jeez Louise,” said Amethyst.

“I’m so sorry, so sorry,” Pearl was repeating into her hair.

“I don’t remember breaking up with you.”

“I _told_ you,” Amethyst said with obvious relief.

“I just, I, I thought you couldn’t…  after I was so awful...”

“Please stop.  Please don’t think things about me and not check.  Ask me before you make your mind up.  Please, that’s all I want you to change and then we can forget about the whole thing.  I can’t stand it when you’re sad.”

“I’ll try, I’ll really truly try.”

“I love you.”

“I love _you.”_

“Oh good,” Peridot said from the doorway.  “Everything’s all right again, then?  Peace and love on the planet Earth?”

“What’s going on?” Lapis, who must have been alerted by the thunder of Jasper’s feet, peered in over Peridot’s head.  “Pearl, are you all right?”

“Oh - I think I am now.”  Pearl raised her face from Jasper’s shoulder, wiping her wet cheek with the back of her hand.  “I’m afraid I’ve been making a fool of myself.”  She managed a watery smile for Lapis.

“But what happened?”

“It’s not important now,” Peridot said brightly.  “Let’s move along!”

“Shush, Beemo,” said Lapis, giving her a sidelong look.  

“You shush, Marceline.”

“Ha!” Amethyst exclaimed.  “That’s perfect.”

“Oh, shush yourself - Purple Jake.”

“Dude, that’s a compliment, Jake the Dog is _awesome._ Anyway, it’s perfect because _Oh Marceline, why are you so mean?  I’m not mean, I’m a thousand years old and I just lost track of my moral code.”_

“I am _far_ more than a thousand years old,” Lapis said haughtily.

“Oh, we all are,” Amethyst said, waving away the objection.

“I’m fifty,” Peridot said, hesitantly raising her hand.

“Say what?”

“Yeah, Peridot’s fifty,” Jasper said, nodding.  She appreciated Amethyst and Peridot’s dedication to keeping Lapis diverted with bickering.  She could feel the twitchy tension fading out of Pearl, and that was comforting.  She just kept smoothing one hand up and down her back.

“How can you only be _fifty?”_

“One day at a time?” Peridot suggested, shrugging.

“You’re a foetus!”

“I have _never_ been a foetus, shut your mouth.”

“I _want_ to know what _happened!”_ Lapis snapped.  “Pearl doesn’t cry like that for nothing.”

“Well, very little sometimes,” Pearl said, slipping down from Jasper’s arms.  “This really was very silly.  I got the wrong idea about something that turned out to be perfectly innocent.  I said some entirely uncalled-for things, and then when the facts were pointed out to me I felt awful about it.”

Lapis was looking from Pearl’s tearstained face to Jasper’s with distinct skepticism.  “Right,” she said.  “It’s silly and innocent and that’s why everyone is hiding in the bathroom.”

“Hey, at first it was just Pearl and me, but I’m so popular everyone joined in,” Amethyst said.

“I think that’s enough teasing Lapis,” Pearl told her.  She crossed over to Lapis and put her arms around her.  “It really is fine now.  I just don’t want to go into details about it at the moment.”

“Will you still be able to rehearse tonight?  We could postpone the recital - the night after should still be okay.”

Pearl glanced back toward Jasper.  “No, let’s not change the plan, but I think it should be a short rehearsal.  Say seven to ten?”  She stepped back, still holding Lapis’ hand.

“That should be enough if we focus.  Over-rehearsing isn’t good either.”  Lapis looked as if she wanted to say something more but changed her mind.  “Then I’ll meet you at seven.  I’m sure Jasper wants me to get out of the way for a while.”

“I didn’t say that,” Jasper objected.  “It is _true,_ but I didn’t say it.”

“Yes, you’re noble that way,” Lapis said, rolling her eyes.

“In recognition of you being a good sport about that, I’m willing to watch a few more _Adventure Time_ s with you until then,” Peridot said.  “For I am smaller but no less noble.”  She patted Lapis on the shoulder.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Oh, sorry.”  Peridot snatched her hand away guiltily.

“Let’s go.”

“What?”

“If you pat me again I’ll bite your hand off but I’ll watch cartoons with you if there’s nothing better going.”

Peridot brightened up.  “Fair enough!”  She scurried away and Lapis followed her.  

“Are they making friends?” Jasper asked, unnerved.

“I think maybe,” Amethyst said, getting up from the floor with a grunt.  “Peri’s got this big theory that Lapis finds her ‘relatively easy to tolerate’ and if they watch enough cartoons together that’ll morph into liking her by association.”

“Lapis actually _likes_ cartoons?  I thought she was… all sophisticated,” Jasper said, feeling pleased that she’d thought of an inoffensive synonym for “snooty.”

“It’s one area where our tastes diverge,” Pearl said, leaning against Jasper again.  “It’s not that I _dislike_ animation.  I enjoyed _Fantasia.”_

“Does it bug you that they went off without you?” Jasper asked Amethyst cautiously.  

“Nah, I’ve already seen all the eps they’re watching and I’m horrible about dropping spoilers, so it’s better if I just let them catch up.  We talked about it, it’s cool.  Anyway, _you_ guys probably wanna talk about _your_ stuff, so I’m gonna go.  Smell you later.”  She shut the door behind her.

Pearl leaned into Jasper’s side with a soft sigh, her eyes closing.  “Thank goodness for those two.  Though I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be thanking goodness for Amethyst and Peridot handling a difficult situation with empathy and tact.”

“They’re good little weirdoes,” Jasper said.  She bent to kiss the top of Pearl’s head.  “Thanks for locking down the plan about the rehearsal.  Good thinking.”  She’d kind of wanted to scream when Pearl said it, but this was the type of thing her truce with Lapis was supposed to cover.  At least it meant she knew what to expect.

“Well, dancing from dusk until dawn is exhilarating but exhausting.  I’d like to have some energy left for the performance.”

“So we’ve got till seven?  What time is it now?”  

“A quarter to five,” Pearl said immediately.  She always knew the time; it was like magic and Jasper just thought it was neat.  “Not very long, but you get me back after ten.”

“Oh, _crap.”_

“Is that not enough?” Pearl asked.  “I could try to negotiate it down.”

“No, I completely forgot about Sansa and Arya today and their dad gets home at six.  They’ll be tearing up the yard.  I have to go walk them.”

“Another promise to a dog?”

“Two dogs, and they’re _really_ cute dogs.  I’m sorry, Pearl, I really need to take care of this.”

“It won’t make them sick to miss one walk, will it?”

“It won’t make Lapis sick not to rehearse, but I know you need to take care of that.”

“All right, that’s true.  I just never quite anticipated how much this job idea would keep you away from me.  To be honest, I thought you’d get to a point where you felt you’d done enough and then stop.  It’s gone on longer than I thought.”

“I have to stick with it, though.  Greg really needs me.  With me working there he’s making better money.  He can actually pay his bills and save a little up.  You get it, don’t you?  If I help him, he can take better care of Steven.  In the end, it’s about Steven.  For both of us, me _and_ Greg.  Can you be okay with that?”

“I _want_ to be.  I’m so sorry I made such a fuss today.  I panicked.  When I saw the disc and realised what it was, all I could think of was how terrible it was losing Rose, and how I couldn’t bear to lose you too.”

“But you can’t lose me the same way.  You just can’t.  Greg’s a good egg but… well, he’s an _egg._ Like he’s literally kind of egg-shaped.”

“I think he’s more pear-shaped.”  Pearl rocked her head against Jasper’s shoulder.  “Well, what if I come with you now?  That way you won’t be betraying any dogs but I can still be close to you.”

“You want to?”

“I may as well meet them; they’re clearly important to you.”

 

Sansa and Arya’s owner hadn’t known what he was getting into, but to his credit he’d tried to adapt.  They had a large, well-fenced yard to run around in and a cosy shelter and a lot of sturdy toys they could play with together.  They still went reliably insane with excitement whenever Jasper appeared.  Pearl flinched and hid behind her.

“I didn’t realise they’d be so boisterous,” she said, eyeing them nervously as they leaped around fawning on Jasper.

“Nah, they’re girlsterous.  Down.   _Down._  Don’t try it, Sansa.  Don’t even.  Good.  Good girls.  Go get your leashes.”  They took off like rockets and came back grinning around mouthfuls of leash.  “That’s their best trick,” she told Pearl proudly, clipping the leashes on.  “Clever girls!  Thanks for not acting dumb in front of company.  You want to meet Pearl?  Sit.”

“How do you know what to _do_ with them?” Pearl asked, holding out her hands to the dogs.  They both sniffed at them furiously and licked her fingers, which she tolerated with only slight nose-wrinkling.

“I just kind of do.  I’ve been reading a lot of dog books but they mostly confirm what I thought anyway.  The main thing is they need to know you’re in charge.  The thing with dog breeds is, they’re all optimised for different things just like Gems.  Huskies are made to work in a team and to run really fast.  You can’t let them off the leash outside a fence unless you wanna watch them disappear over the horizon.  They’re super friendly, so they’re no good as guard dogs, and I just think they’re really cute.  Look at their big smiles and plumey tails.”

“They do have nice smiles,” Pearl said, rubbing Arya’s ears.  “How do you exercise them?”

“I usually just walk ‘em down to the beach and then we run up and down till they’re pooped.  When their dad walks them on weekends he stands on a skateboard and lets them pull him down the street.”

“You keep saying their dad, but you mean a man, not a dog that’s their actual father, right?”

“Oh - yeah.  Yeah, he’s human and everything, his name’s Divendra.  I think he works in the next town over at the waterworks.  I don’t know a lot about him except he has good taste in dogs and weird taste in names.  Connie says Sansa and Arya are sisters in a series of books her mom won’t let her read yet, so I’m not reading them till she can.  Come on girls, let’s go.”

Pearl made it through the first lap and a half of the beach before deciding she would rather sit and watch.  She actually seemed to enjoy that, waving and calling out as Jasper and the dogs thundered past while the sun sank and stained the sea orange and scarlet.  Eventually the dogs’ legs gave out and Jasper returned carrying one under each arm.

“They’re okay,” she said, sitting down and letting the dogs flop against her legs.  “They just like to be dramatic and get carried like babies.  Give ‘em a few minutes and we’ll walk ‘em home for a drink of water.”

“You really are in your element with them,” Pearl said, scooting closer and hugging her arm.  “I didn’t quite understand, but it was just lovely to see.  Well, I always enjoy seeing you run.  I like how your thighs and bottom jiggle.”

“Perv,” Jasper said approvingly.  “Yeah, well, it seems like Steven’s right about me and animals.”

“I knew Lion loved you, but I suppose I always thought that was because of the connection with Rose.”

“What connection with Rose?”  Jasper asked, surprised.

“Didn’t you know?  I’m sure there’s some connection between them, though I haven’t been able to work out exactly what.  Lions aren’t generally pink, for one.  For another, well, there have been signs and portents.  It made sense to think that the affinity was because of that.  Like a sign of Rose approving of you.”

“You didn’t say anything!”

Pearl shrugged.  “I’m sorry, I thought you could tell.”

“Are you saying Lion _is_ Rose?  It’s in my room all the time!  I’ve scratched my butt in front of it!”

“No no no, nothing that direct.  I never saw Lion when Rose was alive.  It always hurts to be reminded that there were parts of her life she never mentioned to me, but I think there were a few things that she prepared for Steven when she knew she’d be leaving, and that was one.”

“I _did_ start having weird Rose dreams after I met Lion.  Different from any of my other dreams about her, because in these ones we’d just talk about things.  I used to wonder if she was actually talking to me, but I’ve thought those dreams over a lot and I don’t think she’s ever said anything I didn’t already know, or couldn’t have worked out on my own.  If she ever told me something I couldn’t have known, I’d know she was real, or at least not just part of me.”

“Has your dream-Rose ever talked about me?” Pearl asked wistfully.

“Yeah.  Just things I know, though.  Like how smart and brave and sweet you are, well-known facts like that.”  That made Pearl laugh, just a soft little chuckle.  “Hey, Pearl?”

“Hmm?”

“There’s something I said today I want to take back.  I went overboard ‘cause I was upset.  You haven’t wrecked those songs for me, and I still want to try to sing one for you some time.  So while you’re dancing tonight, I’m going to be listening and trying to pick which one.  Oh, but this is going to be a private performance, all right?  I’m not singing in front of anyone but you until I’m sure I don’t suck.  And I’ll need a while to practise.  I don’t know when it’ll be ready.  Don’t hold your breath.”

“I’ll be thrilled whenever,” Pearl said, beaming up at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Egg Universe.


	27. Chapter 27

There was a definite pattern Jasper was picking up on; when Pearl spent a long time out dancing with Lapis she came home distinctly _frisky._  More so than usual, even.  She wasn’t completely sure how she felt about that.  On one hand, frisky Pearl was a joy; on the other, did she owe Lapis for this somehow?  If she said thanks she’d probably just get screamed at (not without reason, that would be a weird bordering on gross thing to say).  Or should she actually be worried that all this passion was _for_ Lapis and she was just benefiting from Pearl misdirecting it?  That was pretty much the opposite of a question she wanted to ask Pearl or prompt Pearl to ask herself, just in case it led to Pearl saying, “Oh!  I’ve realised that actually I’m _far_ more compatible with Lapis than with you in virtually every way and only the fact that you’re admittedly pretty hot blinded me to the truth.”

That was a rotten thing to think, unfair to Pearl as well as herself, but it was one of those mean little thoughts that kept rearing its pointy little head up to poke at her when she would have liked to just bask in love and daydream while she worked.  She kept telling herself not to be stupid about it, and to remember all the great reasons she had for believing that Pearl loved her like crazy.

“I’m just nervous because we had a bust-up yesterday,” she told the Morgans’ generic brown dog Barry, who had intelligent eyes and looked like he was listening while she shampooed him.  “I mean, like Greg said, it might be a while before I feel comfortable again.  Right?  And I guess I’ll admit I feel weird about this show they’re putting on tonight.  It’s like they want me to sit and watch them show off how much more they’ve got in common with each other than Pearl’s ever going to have with me.  But I _know_ Pearl wouldn’t be doing that if she thought it’d upset me, and then I wonder if Lapis is setting this up to bug me, and _then_ I think that’s really self-centred and paranoid and maybe she honestly just wants to show us something nice.  Which I’d actually like.  I wish I understood her more.”  

Barry licked his own nose sympathetically.

“But you know what?  Being around her doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.  Like I don’t feel 100% _safe_ but I feel a lot safer than I would a while ago.  I _think_ what it is, is I’ve got a lot of memories of her now that aren’t horrible.  Just everyday memories of her doing ordinary things like… sitting around, you know?  That’s got nothing to do with Malachite or the bottom of the ocean.  Kind of normalises her.  I guess it’s not like that for her, though, or she probably wouldn’t still hate me.  Maybe she liked me better when I was in my gemstone because she finally felt safe.  Anyway, I realise this is kind of heavy for a dog and you’re already maximum clean so I’ll rinse you off now.”

Apart from Barry, it was shaping up to be one of those days where they just waited around hopefully.  Greg sat on his lawn chair and played his guitar.  Jasper lay on her belly on the concrete and read _Animorphs._ The sun strolled across the sky.

“Hey, Jasper?”

“Yep?”  She put her finger at the point on the line where she was reading; no way she could read and talk at the same time.

“Steven just texted me asking me to come to some kind of dance performance Pearl and Lapis are putting on tonight.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Is it gonna cause any kind of problems for you if I show up?”

“I don’t see why.”

“I just mean if Pearl is still upset with me.  Maybe it’d be more tactful to stay away.  But on the other hand, Steven’s all excited about it.”

“I don’t _think_ she is.  I don’t know.  Maybe ask Steven if he asked Pearl if it was okay to invite people?”

“Good point.”  He clicked away at his phone.  Greg used a type of phone that Peridot had pointed out to her as archaic; apparently the difference was that you had to use a numerical keypad to enter alphabet characters, and it did voice calls and text messages and that was that.  According to Peridot this was a sign of Greg’s extreme and pitiful poverty.  “Oh, good.  Yeah, Pearl told him he could invite me and Connie, so I guess she’s fine.  Or trying to be fine.  I’m kind of surprised considering how mad she was yesterday.”

“I’m still really sorry about that.”

“Eh, it’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever thought I was doing.  Well, I dunno, is girlfriend theft worse than tax evasion?  That one was an honest mistake too.”

“You _should_ have a girlfriend.  I mean, if you’d like one.  There should be someone who’d like you, right?  There was at least one already.  What about, um, Sadie?”

“Cripes, no.  Sadie’s a teenager and I’m pushing forty.  That’s _deep_ in creep territory.”

“Oh.  I can’t always tell how old you people are,” she said, embarrassed.  “Didn’t mean to be creepy.”

“It’s nice of you to think about it, but I’m not looking.  I’m just not ready to move on from Rose.  I’ve tried a time or two with the nice ladies of the Internet but it didn’t work out.  That’s okay.  If it happens one day that’ll be great, but till then I’m pretty comfortable by myself.”  He played a little twiddle on the guitar.  

“Okay.  But I still want you to get that nice new van like Pearl said.  Raise your standards of ‘comfortable’.”

“Promise.  I’m actually saving up!  In the bank and everything.”

 

Steven had decided that a ballet recital was an extremely high-class event and had accordingly appointed himself usher.  This mean he had a bow tie on and a flashlight and was otherwise basic everyday Steven, but it obviously made him feel important directing everyone to their seats on the beach.  There were folding chairs for everyone except Jasper, who had a blanket on the sand, and Peridot, who had been provided with a folding chair but insisted on lugging her favourite beanbag chair from Amethyst’s room out onto the beach and sitting curled up in it making little scrunchy noises with her twitchy feet.  Amethyst got very mildly chided for eating chips.

“You don’t eat chips at the ballet,” Steven said in the loud whisper that was his ushing voice.  “You eat chocolate strawberries and fancy things like that.  I’ve been dipping them all afternoon.”

“Ooh!” said Connie.  She must have got the memo about being fancy because she was wearing a dress with bows on it and carrying a parasol.

“And I made _extra_ for you,”  Steven declared, uncovering a plate with a flourish.

“I’m going to eat strawberries until I’m _sick,”_ Connie said gleefully.  “Sick as a _dog.”_

“There’s no hurling at the ballet, so pace yourself, mademoiselle _.”_

“Ahh, you’re no fun,” Amethyst grumbled, but she folded over the top of the chip bag and hid it under her chair like a good sport.

By the time everyone was properly settled down with strawberries and drinks it was quite dark and stars were beginning to show in a navy-blue sky while an unusually large pale butter-yellow moon slowly rose.

Nothing happened for a while, but it gradually became clear that two small figures were skimming along the shining path the moonlight painted across the sea and drawing nearer.

“Here they come now!” Steven whispered unnecessarily.  

“Are they going to dance without music?” Connie whispered back.

“Shh,” said Garnet.

The figure that had just drawn near enough for them to see that it was blue raised both its arms, and two vast, thin sheets of water peeled up from the surface of the bay and hung in the air.  Drops began to fall, large and small, spaced and timed so that their splashes and patters had rhythm and pitch, forming a strange, soft, many-layered tune.

“Hey, that’s actually pretty clever!” Peridot exclaimed and was shushed by all present.  “Well, it’s quite complex,” she whispered, subsiding with a rustle of styrofoam.

The dance began.  The two small figures drew nearer, circling one another, gliding across the surface of the water like skaters over ice, or perhaps the surface of the water was gliding with them.  It became clear that the way Lapis moved the water was as much a part of how she danced as the way she made music.  She didn’t lift Pearl or spin her or throw her in the air and catch her with her own arms, but with gestures that swept up clear shimmering limbs of water that held her just as safely.  They were nothing like the chains that had held Jasper down for so many months, but she still tried not to look right at them, just at Pearl and the way she flew.

As the pattering music swelled into a roar, they drew together in a swirl of silver water, a rising spiral column that bloomed at the top into a fountain and burst apart in a shower of light, leaving Blue Opal twirling in its place.

That seemed like the climax until Blue began to dance, turning and leaping faster and higher, dancing with the water as her partner, or partners, huge swirling silver figures rising as she needed them and falling as the need passed.  Jasper watched with her mouth sagging open in awe.  It was the most amazing, exhilarating thing she’d ever seen.  She was half in love with Blue just watching her (which ought to be allowed, since she was in love with half of Blue).  And then for some reason there were _dolphins_ dancing around her and leaping over and under her arms and flipping through the air, and Blue was laughing, and she was like a princess in one of Steven’s Disney movies.

The dolphins left, the last of the musical water pattered down, and Blue spun to a gentle halt where the ripples broke on the shore, bowing low.

There was a moment of stunned silence as the audience realised that the show was over, and then they leapt to their feet, applauding with all their strength, the sound of hands slapping together small and unimpressive under the big night sky.  Steven was standing on the seat of his chair whistling furiously with two fingers in his mouth; Greg, for some reason, was holding a burning lighter aloft.  Amethyst was pretty much just screeching in appreciation.  Jasper had found herself on her feet without being aware of how she got there, clapping so hard her palms stung.

Blue lifted her head, smiling joyfully.  She swept one more deep curtsey before springing up into one last dizzying spin, blazed into bright light and separated into two shapes that were still not separate.  From the height of Blue’s leap Lapis and Pearl gently descended, slowly turning, Pearl’s arms around Lapis’ waist and Lapis’ arms around her shoulders.  Jasper continued to clap mechanically while thinking, _oh crap, oh crap, look at the way they look at each other, no, they’re not_ looking, _they’re_ gazing, _that is_ flagrant _gazing._  Before she could completely freak out they had touched down, and hugged, and parted.  Pearl was running up the sloping damp sand towards her, arms outflung and face glowing with happiness and pride.  

_Come on,_ she told herself, dropping to her knees and opening her arms, _she’s running to_ you, _dumbass._ Then she was hit with a solid little _whump_ as Pearl ran into her embrace without slowing down, smacked a kiss onto her cheek and started hopping and chattering as if she couldn’t stop.

“What did you think?  Oh, I think we really pulled it off!  We didn’t have much rehearsal time but Lapis is _so_ talented and the weather couldn’t have been better and look at that _moon!_ Isn’t it beautiful?”

“How did you get _dolphins_ to dance with you?”

“We didn’t!  They just turned up!  The whole thing was improvised from there!”  She turned and shouted to Lapis, who was getting heavily congratulated by everyone else.  “Lapis, they thought the dolphins were _choreographed!”_

“I didn’t,” said Peridot.

“Pipe down, goblin,” Lapis said, not without affection.  “I mean, we saw them watching us rehearsing, but I never thought they’d join in.  I guess they were bored.”

“Or they wanted to be part of something _amazing!”_ Steven cried.  “You guys should put on shows all the time!”  He rushed over and hugged Pearl around the waist.

“All the time wouldn’t be special,” Pearl said, patting his hair.  “But I think occasionally would be nice.”

“My next birthday!?”

“Oh, I’m sure before then.  But yes, I think we could come up with a birthday ballet, don’t you, Lapis?”

“Of course.  Maybe next time we can rope in a whale.”

“And think what we could do with music!”  Pearl exclaimed, darting back over to Lapis and catching her hands.  “I didn’t have time for this one but I definitely want to compose a violin theme for next time; then either I could record it to be played back during the performance or oh!  Perhaps Connie could learn to play it!  She’s _very_ good.”  She evidently couldn’t stop dancing either; as she held Lapis’s hands she kept skipping in a circle around her; Lapis turned to follow her, laughing.  “You were absolutely wonderful, Lapis, and I’m so glad we could finally show everyone how brilliant you are, my shining nereid!”  She swept a very mildly embarrassed-looking Lapis into a hug.

“Shining what now?” Peridot asked Amethyst in an undertone.

“Nereid, like, ocean nympho,” Amethyst said.

“The Nereids were ocean _nymphs,_ ” Garnet said.  “The fifty daughters of the sea-god Nereus and the Oceanid Doris.  Nice girls.”

_“Doris,”_ said Amethyst and snickered.

The bowling ball feeling was back in Jasper’s belly, but this time it was cold.  She thought she was keeping it under decent control, but it still felt pretty awful.  It shouldn’t matter so much that Pearl had pet-names for Lapis too.  “Nereid” wasn’t as cute as “tiger lily” or “sunflower” anyway.  Pearl was still hugging Lapis, and as they turned in place Jasper could see Lapis’ face.  Lapis looked up and caught her eye.  She was used to Lapis giving her strange, unreadable, ambiguous looks with what looked like forty different feelings mixed up in them.  This wasn’t one of those.  This had exactly two ingredients, spite and triumph.  It was shocking.  She actually felt her hair try to stand up, and a ten-thousand volt current of anger went through her body.  If Pearl hadn’t been in the way, and if there hadn’t been children and nice people present, she might have gone straight for a power-charge and headbutt.

_I have to get away from here.  But if I suddenly run off everyone will know something is wrong and it’ll be a hundred times worse.  I want to smash something, I want to scream.  But I can’t wreck this for Pearl.  Or Steven, look at his face.  Oh. Oh, you know what?  I’m not going to react because I’m not going to give Blue Brat the satisfaction of seeing me crack.  There._  It was good motivation but it was still incredibly hard to do.  She tried to act like Lion when it did something clumsy and pretended it was on purpose, while Pearl and Lapis received more congratulations and applause, along with eager suggestions for a concept album from Greg.

Amethyst and Peridot were nearby, walking hand in hand toward the sand dunes, Peridot explaining that she’d thought for a moment that Pearl said “shining nerd” and frankly it didn’t seem applicable to Lapis, even if the complexity and precision of the water music hinted at hitherto unseen nerdy tendencies.

“Nah,” said Amethyst, grinning.  “There’s only one shining nerd and she’s with me.”  Peridot giggled like a dweeb and towed her duneward, and Jasper hurried up to intercept them.

“Wait for me.”

“Dude, we’re looking for some privacy,” Amethyst said.  

“I know, I’m sorry, I need your help.  Can we talk?”

Amethyst sighed.  “Yeah, okay.  I mean, I can guess why.  You okay?”

“No, I’m freaking out.  I think I might have to fight Lapis or something.”

“What, at the beach?  That’s like fighting Popeye at the spinach factory.”

“No idea what you mean,” Jasper said flatly.

“Not a damn clue,” Peridot agreed.  

“You don’t fight someone with elemental powers right next to their element, duh.”

“Oh yes, absolutely duh.  But probably not a good idea even if you could beat her,” Peridot said.  “Also spinach isn’t an element, even in the completely inaccurate sense that water is.”

“I _know_ it’s not a good idea, I need people to talk me out of it.”

“Why in _particular_ do you feel a need to fight her _now?”_  Peridot asked.  “If we can isolate it we can probably deal with it more effectively.”

“She gave me a look,” Jasper said, aware of how lame it sounded.  “I could handle all of that,” she waved her hand in the general direction of the water, “if I didn’t think she was doing it _at_ me on purpose, but she _was_ and now I know it.”

“Are you sure?  That’s a lot of trouble to go to just to make you feel bad.”

“Okay, not _just_ to make me feel bad.  But that was definitely part of it, and it pisses me off!  It’s not fair to Pearl, she’s the innocent one in all this.”

“Or the wilfully blind one in all this,” Peridot said, shrugging.  “This is so like episode 14 of CPH - remember that mess Paulette got into because she always wants to pretend everything’s going to be fine and not confront any unpleasantness, and Percy got so upset he didn’t talk to her for a week?  Which he should obviously have spent getting to know Pierre better instead of that awful subplot about hunting the skunk with Sue, but I think my main point stands.”

“A, the skunk hunt was comedy gold, two, it’s not like it’s bad if Pearl wants to have two girlfriends but if she does she needs to be upfront about it or both of you guys are always going to feel like she’s picking one of you over the other and Lapis is probably gonna keep being a dink about it,” Amethyst said.

“No one is saying Pearl wants two girlfriends!  Can we try and stay on topic?”  Jasper protested.

“Oh okay, were you not watching the same extremely gay water ballet as us?  Because the way it stands now, she _has_ two girlfriends, she’s just not admitting it.”

“I don’t want her to admit _that,”_  Jasper said, dismayed.  “If it was someone I could be friends with, okay, maybe, but Lapis hates my guts.  I’m not too fond of her guts at the moment either.”

“I don’t think Lapis _has_ guts.  I’ve certainly never seen her eat anything, and I was a good hostess and offered her snacks when she came over to watch _Adventure Time,”_  Peridot said thoughtfully.  “I don’t care that much about food but every time Jake cooks something I always wish I could have some.”

“Steven actually figured out a recipe for bacon pancakes, you should bug him to make you some,” Amethyst said.

Jasper sat down heavily.  “Okay, I guess you did what I asked.  I don’t want to fight Lapis any more, I want to… dig a hole and sit in it for the rest of my life.”

“Don’t do that,” Peridot said, in what she probably meant to be a kind and soothing tone.  More helpfully, she clambered up to stand on Jasper’s leg and hug her round the neck.  “Pearl does love you, you know.”  

“Yeah, I know.”

“And while I used to scorn multishipping as a wishy-washy attempt to have one’s cake and eat it too, these days I think that if it’s well handled it can be quite satisfying.”

“Are you two both serious about that?  Thinking I should just _accept_ Pearl being with Lapis the same way she’s with me?”

“What the heck do we know?”  Amethyst asked.  “I’m a hot purple mess and Peri sees everything through a filter of 90s Canadian teen drama.”

“I could try to talk to her and find out what she’s up to,” Peridot said, “but I’m not sure she’d put up with that yet.”

“I think _I_ have to talk to her and find out what she’s up to.  Ugh, this is gonna be brutal.”

“Maybe we could lure her inland to make it easier,” Peridot suggested.

“I don’t think she’s going to clobber me with water,” Jasper said.  “I mean, she _did_ agree to a truce, and she’s got to care what Pearl thinks too.  That’s probably why she’s so weird and sneaky about it.”

“So how exactly are you going to do it?” Peridot asked, sliding down to sit on Jasper’s knee.  

“I dunno.  Wait for an opportunity?  But I don’t want to wait too long because who knows what she’ll pull next.”


	28. Chapter 28

The opportunity came sooner than Jasper had expected, a little sooner than she’d hoped, really.  She had to stop and remind herself that she was actually a warrior and a veteran and it was more than a little feeble to be wussing out of a difficult conversation.

Steven had decided that you had to have a soirée after a ballet, because they rhymed and were French and fancy, and he’d made canapés and crême brulée for the same reason.  That meant everyone sitting or standing around in the living room chatting with plates in their hands, whether they were eating from those plates or not, the conversation led by Steven and Connie, who had eaten an unwise amount of strawberries but not kept her promise to be sick.  She had also got Pearl started on a very long and involved historical story which she was illustrating by building a diorama out of canapés on the coffee table.  

Jasper was just sitting and watching, kind of doting on how animated Pearl got when she was narrating, when she felt a prod in her arm.  She looked up and found Peridot “discreetly” waggling her head in the direction of the screen door, which was just closing.  It was dark out there and the lights in the room made it hard to see through the reflections in the windows, but there was a brief flutter of a blue skirt visible before the door swung to.  She decided to wait a couple of minutes, enough for it not to look as if she was following Lapis directly, not long enough for her to get too far away to find.

She felt both sneaky and incompetent at sneaking as she got up.  It wasn’t as if a person her size ever had much hope of sneaking anyway, but at least she could look casual, as if she was just heading out for some fresh air.  She had her excuses all ready, so it was almost disappointing when nobody even seemed to notice her leaving.

She climbed down from the deck and stood for a few moments in the shadows underneath, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness.  The moon didn’t look so huge or so yellow now that it was higher in the sky, but it still cast plenty of silvery light, so the adjustment wasn’t a big one.  A breeze was blowing and the sea sounded like a big animal steadily, raspily breathing.  She walked onto the beach, peering ahead, and saw Lapis a few hundred yards off, walking by the water’s edge.

_I need to get some of my aggression back,_ she thought.   _I’ve been being so damn nice to people and puppies and things I’ve forgotten how to be tough.  I’ve got to balance this.  I’m definitely not taking any crap, but I’m giving her a chance to explain.  I don’t think she can have a_ good _reason for the way she’s been acting but I want to know the_ reason.   _I’m not going to let her leave until she tells me.  Well, unless of course she wades into the water and then I can’t do a thing._ The mental picture of Lapis standing knee-deep and taunting her came up far too easily.   _I’m just going to go._  When total surprise wasn’t an option, arriving so fast they had to scramble to meet you was a good second choice.  She strode over, staying a little higher up on the beach, as if the high ground made a tactical difference for this.  That made her think of that terrible final fight between Obi-wan and Anakin; if the Dark Side made you able to hurl gobs of lava at people the high ground wouldn’t have helped at all.

Lapis turned to watch her approach and took a step backward so that the lacy edges of the water lapped at her heels.  She’d meant to use her height to advantage, to tower over Lapis and intimidate her, but Lapis was so little and her eyes were so big and the possibility that she was actually afraid to be alone with her made her feel like such a monster that she crouched down on one knee.

“I want to talk to you.”

“That makes one of us,” said Lapis.  “Leave me alone.”

“No.  You think I like this any better than you do?  I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.”

“I’ve stuck to the truce.”

“Like hell you have!”

“Oh yeah?  How about _you,_ telling her she has to be home by ten?  Trying to keep her away from me!”

“I never said that, she came up with ten on her own!  I’ve _never_ told her she couldn’t spend time with you.   _And_ you can have her all to yourself the whole time I’m at work.”

“Yes, because you’re Jasper the Martyr out doing her good deeds.   _You_ decided you were going to waste your days, you don’t get any _points_ for that.  Are you going to try to suggest that you decided to work for Greg because you’re so fair-minded you thought I deserved a chunk of the day without you around for competition?”

“I’m working for Greg to help him provide for Steven, who’s a lot more important than you or me.”

“How _dare_ you throw Steven in my face.  You _know_ what I’ve gone through for him.”

“Yeah, I do know, I was there!”

“Well then,” Lapis said quietly, staring up at her.  She looked expectant, almost excited, and Jasper couldn’t figure out what for.  Did she think she was winning?

“That’s not the point right now.  I’m here because of Pearl.”

Lapis turned away with a kind of tut of disgust.

“I don’t know what you two have said to each other, I don’t even know what you really want, but everything I see makes it look like you’re in love with her and - and she’s in love with you.  If you’re not, you’ve got no excuse to act the way you do, but if you do -”

“Oh, is _this_ the part where you _selflessly_ offer to step aside so that Pearl can be happy?”

“No, because I’m not _mental._  I’m not letting go of Pearl for anything short of _her_ telling me to let go, much less leaving her to you when I don’t even know if you’d appreciate what you’d got.”

“Because only Pearl matters!”

“Can you please stop talking in sarcasm for a few minutes and tell me what you actually think about this?  I need you to be honest with me.”

“Why should I?  When have you _ever_ been honest with _me?”_ Lapis whirled round and stamped her foot with a smack on the wet sand.  She looked furious, but furious about the _wrong thing,_ and Jasper had no idea what to do with it.

“I don’t know what you mean.  What have I said that’s not honest?”

“Everything!”  Lapis cried.  “Every mealy-mouthed, goody-two-shoes, oh I’m so sorry, I was so bad, poor you, I understand, I’m sorry, I’m _sorry -”_

“If you don’t believe I’m sorry I don’t know how I can -”

“I _know_ you’re sorry!”  Lapis bent and scooped up a handful of wet sand and flung it at Jasper.  It hit her raised arm with a smack.  “And you’re going to hold it over my head for the rest of my life!  And everyone’s going to love you, everyone’s going to be on your side, _I’m_ going to be the bad guy!”

“Look, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t think _anyone_ expects - cut that out!”  She swatted away another blob of wet sand.

“I _know_ how this _works,”_ Lapis said bitterly.  Tears were spilling down her face, but she still looked wild with anger.  “This is a very old trick.  You make a big show of apologies.  You never bring up any wrong _I_ did to _you._  I can’t make things right, I’m in your debt forever.  Your position only gets stronger, you have more friends, more allies, you’re so _humble_ and _grateful,_ aren’t you?  If I hadn’t had a chance to make sure of Pearl’s loyalty before you got your hooks into her I’d have really been stuck.  Don’t _look_ at me like that, you _know_ what you’re doing.”

“Is this all just a _strategy_ to you?” Jasper asked, appalled.

“Well, it was.  She was so lonely and guilty it was easy.  It’s not my fault I actually started to love her, and now you can hold that over me too.  I can’t even fight back properly _because_ I love her and I feel horrible if I manipulate her.  Congratulations, you win again!”

“I’m not winning anything!  I don’t even know what we’re playing!”

Lapis stared at her with dawning pity and horror.  “Oh my stars, you don’t.  You have no idea what you’ve been doing to me.”

“What _have_ I been doing to you?  Because I _don’t_ want to hurt you, not any more.”

“Would you please just have the basic decency to demand an apology?”

“For what?”

_“For holding you prisoner under the sea for months, you enormous orange idiot!”_

“But that whole thing was my fault!”

“I don’t care!  I feel terrible!”

“Then why the hell didn’t you apologise already on your own?”

“Because then you’d win,” Lapis said.  Her face crumpled with misery.  “And I hate you, and I miss you all the time, and I hate missing you so much.”

“You _miss_ me?”

“You were part of me!  It doesn’t go both ways though, does it?  You just hate me, and so you’re free.”  Now her body crumpled too, and she sat down on the sand, hunched up with her arms around her knees and her face down inside their circle.  She was making sounds that weren’t quite crying, but the gusty, wet breathing of someone fighting not to cry.

Jasper stared at her.  She thought she understood one thing a little more; the way Lapis seemed to have forty different feelings at once.  Right now she was confused, angry, a little disgusted, scared, relieved, sorry, worried, frustrated and tired, and those were just the main ones.  She put her hands down on the sand, shuddering a little at the cold salty wet of it so close to the edge, and bent lower to try to see Lapis’ hidden face.

“Lapis,” she said.  “Come on.  I don’t hate you.  If I hated you I would’ve done something about it by now.  Not some weird twisty sneaky fake apology thing, I’d have punched you into next week.  Sometimes I really don’t like you, but it’s not as bad as that.”  The only answer she got was a huge tearful sniff.  “And if you think I’m free, you don’t know about my nightmares.  They’re not just from you, they’re from a lot of things, but they still wake me up feeling like I’m drowning.  Pearl doesn’t get it.  She comforts me and cuddles me but she says why sleep, then?  And I can’t explain why I need dreams but I do now.  Something happened to me and I don’t know just what or when but I’m different and the dreams are part of it, good and bad.  I dream about you and us and what we were, so no, not free.”  Still no answer.  She tried a different angle.  “Apologise.”

“No,” Lapis said, very muffled.  

“You are _such_ a brat.”  She poked Lapis in the shoulder, which almost pushed her over.  “Apologise!  You kept me chained up in the cold and the dark for months, you keep hitting on my girlfriend right in front of me, and you invented a fake me in your head who’s some kind of evil guilt-trip mastermind.”

Lapis’ head snapped up.   _“Fine, I’m sorry!”_ she screamed.

“That was a crappy apology!”

“I’m really bad at them!”

“You’re not kidding!”

They glared at each other, breathing heavily.  Jasper half wanted to laugh, but she was too tense.  The breaking waves were too close.

“I am actually sorry about the way I’ve treated you,” Lapis said through clenched teeth.  “I still think I had to do what I did, but I’m sorry I made you suffer.  I don’t want you to suffer any more.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”  Jasper pushed herself back and sat down.  “Talking to you is exhausting, but at least we’ve worked that out.”  She drew up her knees and rested her elbows on them.  “So.  When I was reforming and you took such good care of me, that was because you actually cared about me?  Not because it mattered to Pearl?”

“It mattered to Pearl _too,_ but I had enough of a reason on my own.  I wanted you to see that, but when you came back you only thought about her and I got too angry to explain.  I hate feeling this jealous.  It doesn’t make any sense that I feel like you’re _mine.”_  She added fiercely, “I don’t mean I love you too!  I only love Pearl.  And of course Steven.”

“Well, we all love Steven.”

“I loved him before you did.”

“I know.”

“I love him more than you do.”

“You probably do.”

“Sometimes I feel as if I love Chalcedony, but I know I only love the version of her I’ve built up in my head.  I get scared that she _will_ come back to herself and be completely different from the person I’ve imagined and I won’t be able to like her at all.”

“You at least like Peridot, right?”

Lapis gave a sudden, tearful laugh.  “I think Peridot’s my best friend.  I can’t tell her because I know I’m not hers.  It’s too pathetic.  Besides, what kind of friendship is that?  We watch cartoons together and that’s it.”

“Doesn’t have to be all you ever do.  Peridot _wants_ to be friends with you.”

“I haven’t actually honestly made friends with someone just because I liked her for… I’ve forgotten how long.  Thousands of years.  It feels _fake_ when I try to do it for real.  Even making friends with Steven was because I hoped he’d help me and set me free.  Whereas _you_ go around making friends like it’s natural, which is really unfair and another reason why I hate you.  I see how you’re always touching them and hugging them and -”

“Listen, I’ll hug _you_ if you want me to.”

“It doesn’t count if it’s not your idea.  Anyway, I don’t need _you_ to hug me, I have Pearl.”

“Yeesh, okay.  We need to talk to Pearl.  About you and her and me and the whole thing.  What _is_ it?”

“You ask as if I’d know.”

“I mean - have you kissed her?”

“Thought about it, never tried it.  It looks disgusting but she obviously enjoys it with you.”

“And - look, I’m not trying to be gross or pry into your business, I’m just trying to figure out where we all stand.  Are you two having sex?”

Lapis looked embarrassed and then defiant.  “Everything but,” she said.  “I happen to think you can have a loving and intimate relationship without bringing sex into it.”

“Sure, of course.  I mean, if you don’t like sex there’s no way -”

“I didn’t say I don’t like it.”

“I just mean it’s okay if that’s not what you want.”

“I’m used to sex being a strategy to _get_ what I want, to please someone and make sure I’m in good standing with her.  I want my relationship with Pearl to be more honest than that.  As much as it can be after the way I started it.”

“Oh.”

“I guess you didn’t spend as much time at court as I’d somehow assumed you did.  You know you’re blushing?”

“Well, excuse me for having a real job.  It’s a little different in the military.”

“You two _do_ have sex,” Lapis said flatly.

“Well, yeah.”

“And that’s clearly incredibly important to Pearl, that kind of physical affection.  So it’s probably a good thing it’s part of your relationship.  I don’t know if it’s the way I’ve learned to think of it or just the way I am, but I just don’t seem to want sex for its own sake.  It can be nice, I’ve certainly enjoyed it, but I wouldn’t really bother to do it unless it achieved something else at the same time.  Making Pearl feel happy and loved, that’s a worthwhile thing, but I was feeling sort of proud that I managed to do it in other ways.”

“Oh.”

“Which I suppose sounds horrible and heartless to you.”

“No, it just sounds really different from how I feel, and I’m kind of impressed how you can just explain it like that.  I don’t know how to explain how I feel about it, except it’s a huge deal to me.”

“Ultimate expression of true love and all that kind of thing?” Lapis asked wryly.

“Um, no.  Pearl’s the first person I’ve been in love with but um.  Wait, how did this conversation turn into me telling you who I’ve banged?”

“I didn’t ask!  Don’t tell me!”

“All right, sorry, overshared.  Getting back to the point. Talking to Pearl.  Figuring something out so we all know where we stand.”

“Can’t we just go on as we have been except you and I don’t hate each other?  Peace instead of just a truce?”

“Don’t you want to tell her how much you love her?”

“She knows.”

“She knows because you’ve actually told her or she knows because you expect her to figure it out?”

“Unlike you, Pearl actually has some appreciation of subtlety and inference.  But yes, of course I tell her I love her, and she tells me.  It’s just that I’m fairly sure she loves me as her friend, and I have enough things that make me feel horrible without having to have _that_ particular conversation.”

“Yeah, no.  Because she looks at you like she looks at me.  Those are the two things that really got to me tonight.  Seeing Pearl give _my_ look to you, and that super snotty look _you_ gave me over her shoulder.”

“You really think so?”  Lapis looked stunned and a little uncomfortable.

“While we’re at it, apologise for that look.”

“I’m not going to apologise for my _face.”_

“For what you did with it!  Looking at me over her shoulder like ha ha, she’s all mine, we’ve got a connection you can’t have and - it was just a really mean look.”

“Oh.  That’s not what I was saying at all.  I was actually saying ha ha, I got a reaction out of you, I actually had your attention for a while even if it was only by hurting you.”

“So… what… I’m competing with you for Pearl but at the same time you’re secretly competing with Pearl for _me?”_

“Oh, this is the worst, now you’re going to get all puffed up and condescend to me and I wish I was dead.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“I don’t even like you!  You’re obnoxiously loud and you talk about _Star Wars_ constantly and you’re ridiculously vain about your hair and you act like you think you’re human half the time!”

“I don’t feel human at all, I just like some of their stuff.  And if I talked about _Star Wars_ less it would only mean I’d talk about _Sailor Moon_ more.  And make up your mind, either you want me to pay attention to you or you don’t like me.”

“It’s both!”  Lapis flicked another small glob of wet sand at her defiantly.

“I mean, Leia had a good reason for acting like she didn’t like Han.  She’d lost her homeworld and she was incredibly scared and lonely and guilty and trying to be strong for everyone in the Rebellion so she suppressed all her personal feelings, and he didn’t help matters by being so whiny and pushy about it -”  A double handful of wet sand hit her in the knee, but it had already occurred to her that if Lapis was flinging sand instead of slinging chains of water around, then she wasn’t really attacking her.

_“I’ve_ lost my homeworld, you insensitive clod!  And shut _up_ about _Star Wars!_  I’ve _watched_ it and it’s _rubbish!”_

“Oh, pff, you’ve only seen the prequels.”

“No, I watched the originals to find out what you were going on about, so there!”

“What, seriously?”  In spite of everything, Jasper smiled.  “That’s kind of sweet.”

“Ugh, I only did it to prove you wrong.”  Lapis looked away pointedly.

“Sorry about the homeworld thing.  I should have thought about that.  It’s still there but I understand you feeling like you’ve lost it.”

“As if you care.  You like it better here anyway.”

“Well… yeah.  Don’t you like anything about this world?”

“I can tolerate it because Steven and Pearl are here.”

“And it’s, what, seventy percent ocean?  That’s got to be nice for you, right?”

“It has its moments.  It used to be nicer, though.  These people have polluted it so much.  They don’t live long enough, that’s the problem.  None of them ever have to see long-term consequences.”

“Yeah, you have a point.  I can’t really compare because I wasn’t here long back then, but I think I remember the air being nicer.”

“So are you suggesting that you and I talk to Pearl together?”  Lapis asked abruptly.

“Well, that way we’d all be on the same page.  You could tell her how you feel.  It just seems like things would be better that way.  We could figure out some way to share.”

“You _want_ to share?”

“We already are, we’d just be honest about it.  And you and me can’t work this out between us, it’s Pearl’s problem too.”

“I don’t want to upset her, and I don’t want to mess up the nicest thing I have by asking for more.”

“I’m telling you she loves you.”

“If she doesn’t, I’m going to wait till you sleep and cut off all your hair and make it into a cape.  You would be hideous bald.  Your head would look tiny.”

“Whatever, I’d still be hot.”

“You see, what you’re suggesting is somewhat out of the blue, but it’s one possible way I might use if I actually wanted to break two people up but to get them to do it to themselves.”

“I think I like you better when you’re physically attacking than being a sneaky snake.”

“It does feel more honest,” Lapis admitted.  “Here.”  She scooped up another handful of wet sand and plopped it onto the toe of Jasper’s boot.

“You’d better watch out or I’ll do it back, and my handfuls are a lot bigger than yours.”

“You would not.”

“Oh?”  The feel of the cold, sloppy sand still made her skin crawl, but there was a point to prove.  She held it over Lapis’ head, too high for her to push away with her hands.

“You still wouldn’t.”

“Here it comes.”  She started to tip her hand, very gradually.  “It’s gonna plop on you.”

“Like fun it is.”  Lapis waved her hand and the water in the sand shot out and splashed in Jasper’s face.  She spat in disgust and dumped the handful of dry sand straight on Lapis’ head.

“Augh!”  Lapis punched her in the shin, hurt her hand and screamed again.

“It went in my _eyes,_ you little - okay, we can’t playfight.”

“I’m not _playing,_ I _hate_ you,” Lapis said, clutching her hand to her chest.  “I’d kick you right now except I’m in bare feet and your boots are made of iron or something.”  To Jasper’s dismay, her eyes were welling up again and she dropped her head and began to cry.

“Oh crud.  I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to cry, I was trying to be friendly, I read you all wrong.”

Lapis gave a huge wet sniff, scrubbing at her eyes with the backs of her hands.  “I was too but then it felt so awful.  I want to be around you but I _hate_ being around you.  I just get pulled and pushed and pulled and pushed and it’s exhausting.  And I’ve got sand in my eyes and up my nose.  And I hate you.”

“Yeah, you said,” Jasper said wearily.  “Would you hate it if I hugged you?  Because _I_ hate seeing you so miserable and it’s all I’ve got to offer.”  She flinched when Lapis pulled a globe of water from the surface of the sea, but she only used it to rinse her face and let it splatter to the ground. She brushed her wet hair off her face and glared up at Jasper.

“Only like this,” she said, and turned and backed up to her, her skinny shoulders rounded and her arms crossed over her chest.

“Okay.  That works.”  She let Lapis shuffle into the shelter of her raised knees before carefully putting her arms around her.  She felt stiff as a board and unlikely to soften any time soon, and she smelled of salt and sand and her hair was wet and cold.  It was probably the most unpleasant hug she’d ever experienced and she wondered how long she needed to keep it going before she could bail without being offensive.

“I’m sorry I threw it in your eyes,” Lapis muttered.  “I know you hate seawater and I know it’s my fault.”  A shiver went through her.  “Why don’t you hate me back?”

Jasper shrugged.  “I sort of did but it wore off.  When you’re not being heinous you’re even vaguely cute.  And I think the seawater thing… I don’t know, it’s not better yet but I feel like it could wear off too.  I only really have to deal with fresh water, but I’m getting more comfortable with that.  When I started at the car wash I could handle using a hose but I just couldn’t put my hand into a bucket of water.  Having it all over the surface of me, even if it was only my hand, it made me panic like something terrible was going to happen.  But I told myself I was going to do it and I was going to prove that nothing would happen, I’d just have a wet hand - well, and a brush or a sponge ‘cause that’s what I was reaching in for.  And it took me a few tries, I had to do it round the back of the building so nobody saw me, but I did it.  Olivia helped a lot.”

“Who’s Olivia?”

“A really good dog.  She didn’t understand what I was doing but she knew I was scared and she kept leaning on me and licking my face.”

“The only dog I know anything about is a bright yellow shapeshifter that plays the viola.”

“Is _Adventure Time_ your _Star Wars?”_

“Ugh, no.  That would be pathetic.  It just takes my mind off things.  It’s colourful and funny and strange and I can share it with Steven.  He loves it when I do impressions of the characters, especially Lumpy Space Princess.  Making Steven laugh is probably the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“Your voice warms up when you talk about him.”

“I love him.  He’s the one person in all the world that it’s completely safe to love with all my heart.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“I was never close enough to get a really good look at you, but your shoulders are all freckled.  Like tiny little gold speckles.”

“Speckles is what Pearl calls them.  She plays connect the dots on them sometimes.”

“With a pen?”

“Just with her finger.  And she writes me little messages on my back.  Again, with her finger, not a pen.”

“Oh.”

“What, she does that for you too?”

“No, she doesn’t.  I guess it’s just for you.”

“Oh?  Neat.”  It was the smuggest ‘neat’ Jasper had ever heard and she had to remind herself she was feeling sorry for Lapis right now.

“So is the hug helping with anything or should I knock it off?”

“It’s a decent hug.  It’s good to have some proof that we can be close to each other and not just hurt each other.”

“Like the bucket.”

“Not unlike the bucket.  I’d like to stop now, though.”

“Okay.”  Jasper opened her arms and Lapis stepped away.  She turned to face her, still hugging her own arms.

“I understand why you want us to talk to Pearl,” she said, “but I’m not ready to do it.  You wouldn’t force my hand into the bucket, would you?”

“No.”

“I’m going to try to get ready, though, so I just have to ask you to try to be like Olivia, except that if you lick my face I’ll punch you in the tongue.”

“I’ll try, but you can’t take forever.  It’ll get weirder the longer we leave it.”

“I know, I know, but please don’t rush me.  Let’s just let people think we had a good talk, we cleared the air a little, we’re not really comfortable with each other yet but we feel better than we did.  All of that is true, isn’t it?”

“Most of it, but I’m not sure it was a good talk when we threw sand at each other and I made you cry.”

“Under the circumstances, considering who we are and our history together, I rate that as a good talk.”  Lapis rubbed her upper arms as if she was cold.  “So I assume the end of your bucket story was that now you can put your hand in a bucket of water, no problem?”

“Most of the time.  There are still times when it makes my back crawl but I can _do_ it anyway.  Up to the elbow once!  That was a rain barrel, not a bucket.”  Jasper got to her feet and dusted sand off her backside.

“I realise how strange it sounds, but I’m sort of proud of you for that.”

_“I’m_ sort of proud of me for that.  Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those chapters I was too close to for me to feel sure it looks okay when I stand back from it. I've been wanting these two to confront each other, and rehearsing parts of their conversation in my head (out of order), for weeks and weeks. So it's a bit of a patchwork mess, but I'd rather post it and move on (and come back to make revisions if I feel the need) than go over it any more.  
> I mean, they had a hug. An awkward, unpleasant hug that they were both relieved to get out of but that they went into and stayed in voluntarily. That's some kind of progress.


	29. Chapter 29

“What I want to know,” Peridot said, scrunching herself deeper into her beanbag chair, “is what they actually talked about.”

“What _I_ want to know is why Jasper’s ass was all sandy and Lapis’ hair was messed up when they came back.”  Amethyst, lying on the couch, waggled her eyebrows.

“What?  No.  Noooo.  That’s just silly talk.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to scandalise you.  You should see if you can get anything out of Lapis when she comes over tonight, though.”

“You could stay with us.  We could rewatch some we’ve already seen, so you can’t peeve Lapis off with spoilers.  Oh, and she only pretends she hates the emotional episodes, because she _asked_ me if we could have ‘Memory of a Memory’ and ‘What Was Missing’ again sometime.”  Peridot lowered her voice into a hoarse, conspiratorial whisper despite the two of them being alone in Amethyst’s room.   _“She totally ships Bubbline and I’m just waiting for her to fully embrace it.”_

“Sorry babe, I already made plans with Vidalia.  Yellowtail took Onion out on the boat overnight and Sour Cream’s spending the night at Buck’s so she was like ‘yay I have the house to myself for the first time in years! Oh wait I’m lonely’ and called me.  I promise to call you first if I get arrested.  It’s always so funny when I get arrested, they freak out when they realise I have no fingerprints.”

“I didn’t realise we _could_ be arrested by human authorities.”

“Well, legally we don’t exist, but good luck stopping a cop who thinks _someone_ needs to get arrested.  I’m just pulling your leg, we’re probably going to watch old _Behind the Music_ s and pass out on the couch.”

 

That prediction turned out to be completely accurate, which made Amethyst feel kind of old-farty, but it was a nice lowkey evening.  What she hadn’t anticipated was that when she dragged herself home in the morning, Peridot and Lapis would be fast asleep curled up together in the beanbag chair.  She’d thought Lapis wasn’t the sleeping type, but she was snuggled in with her head on Peri’s shoulder, and Peri’s hand was sort of protectively curled round the back of her head.  

This was probably the sort of thing that should make her mad jealous and upset, but it actually just looked cosy and cute, like they were blue and green kittens.  Peridot’s laptop was pushed aside at their feet, playing its screensaver, and there was a litter of empty cans from the godawful energy drinks Peri had got addicted to lately, because even though the energy ingredients had no effect on her she was possibly the only person on Earth who just liked the taste.  They had a blanket, the really soft old grey one with the unravelling red stitches round the edges, but it was slipping off them so she pulled it up.  Then, since it had been a pretty late night and she’d woken up tired, and it was a big beanbag, she changed her mind, kicked off her boots and got under the blanket scootched up to Peridot.  That made a lot of scrunching noises, but they stayed asleep and within a few minutes she had very comfortably joined them.

 

Lapis experienced waking up for the first time in her life with a lot of confusion and some irritability.  She felt embarrassed that she’d let Peridot talk her into trying this napping nonsense in the first place, and even more so when she saw that Amethyst had turned up at some point and made herself comfortable.  Peridot’s leg was over hers and she didn’t think she could get up without waking her.  It had been such a mistake to get curious about what Jasper saw in sleep.  She hadn’t dreamed anything at all and now she felt stupid and was probably going to have to have a conversation with Amethyst, who she found bewildering and more than a little icky.  

She was still going over and over that long, strange conversation with Jasper, trying to remember exactly what she’d said, to analyse the tone of her voice and the look on her face and each movement and gesture.  She was still just a trace afraid that Jasper might have lied to her, might have something else in mind, or just that she’d misunderstood her yet again.  She’d thought she might dream about Jasper and Pearl and that it might mean something or give her some sort of guidance, but nothing.  She’d been pointlessly unconscious for several hours.  She could at least have spent the time with Chalcedony, who was the best of listeners if not the best adviser and seemed sympathetic to her worries in an insectile way.

You couldn’t get a cuddle from a centipeetle, though, and it had been nice to feel that close to Peridot.  It was easier to feel close to someone when you were alone together in the middle of the night, in a room dark except for the light of a screen on your faces.  She’d done what she had absolutely sworn she would never do and got sincerely upset about the plight of a fictional character, and since she’d broken her own vow had to swear Peridot to secrecy about it.  She had to grudgingly admire the way a silly little cartoon had played her, setting up the Ice King as a comic grotesque and then investing him with more pathos and mystery than should ever have been possible.  Ice King and Marceline were quite young compared with her, but she found herself sympathising strongly with the way they were survivors of an older, lost world.  It had all led to sniffling and Peridot awkwardly attempting to comfort her, which she had appreciated.

The other thing she kept going over and over was the question of what to say to Pearl and how.  She kept slipping into happy but unhelpful fantasies of what could happen _after_ she’d found the right thing to say and said it, that Pearl would return her feelings and love her forever and she would always have a place with her; that she would be able to share Pearl peacefully with Jasper and in some ill-defined way it might be possible for Pearl to share _her_ with Jasper.  

It wasn’t that she wanted the same relationship with Jasper that she had with Pearl, but to think that there _could_ be a relationship, that she might be able to leave the hatred and misery behind and move on towards some kind of understanding and intimacy, something that they both chose and weren’t trapped in, was both encouraging and highly nervous-making.  It was sweet and peaceful to be held by Pearl; it was easy and cosy to be hugged by Peridot.  Jasper hugging her had been absolutely weird.  It had seemed like a genuine offer and so she’d wanted to accept it, to welcome the possibility of kindness between them, but she was terrified she was just getting lured in to be crushed.  Turning to face the water had helped; not having to look Jasper in the face had helped too, because she was managing to be afraid on one practical, survival-oriented level and, at the same time, to feel ridiculously shy and skittish.  Her skin was prickling all over.

It was alarming to be held by someone that big and powerful, knowing that if Jasper wouldn’t let her go she could only get away by raising the ocean.  She’d braced herself, told herself very calmly and firmly that she wouldn’t panic whatever happened.  She was so ready for it to be claustrophobic and frightening that it took a little while to be clear that it felt… quite nice.  There was just enough pressure from Jasper’s arms around her and her chest behind her to feel like a real, willing hug, but she was obviously being careful.  And there was a dense softness about the arms, and the chest, that she hadn’t expected or remembered.  And she was _warm,_ as if she’d been lying in the sun, even at night and in a chilly breeze.  Then she’d commented on her speckles and got her thinking about the way Pearl would touch her when they were quiet and at rest, _and_ let her know that that was something Pearl did only for her, and she had been feeling so special and odd and goosey that it had been a relief when Jasper gave her an opening to call a halt without being ungracious about it.  It was all a bit too much to absorb, and she didn’t want to move until she was sure she understood it.

_I need to separate them out,_ she thought, _the Pearl feelings and the Jasper feelings, so one doesn’t muddle my thinking about the other.  Then when they’re clear separately I can put them side by side and think about them together._

How did she feel about Pearl?  She loved her, and she knew there was something wrong with her, but since there was also something wrong with her that didn’t seem like a disqualification.  She trusted her now, though she also knew that not everything she said was true.  That wasn’t Pearl’s fault; she believed what she was saying, but Lapis was equally sure that Pearl had not known she was conscious inside the mirror (and would have tried to help her if she’d known), and that the others had (and didn’t try).  Why they hadn’t wanted Pearl to know that was unclear.  She suspected the decision came from Rose Quartz, whose motives were mysterious and generally gave her a deeply bad feeling.  

That was something she couldn’t discuss with Pearl, who would probably always believe that everything Rose had done was ultimately, unquestionably for the best, and even believed that despite the miserable homesickness she’d endured because Rose had wanted her to isolate herself on this stagnant backwater of a planet with her.  Lapis had spent so many hours showing a tearful younger Pearl the places she missed and longed for that she felt almost as if they’d been there together.  She’d spent so long hoping that Pearl would see _her_ it had broken her heart that she didn’t, and that in time she moved on and lost interest in her.  That sorrow had hardened into anger and fuelled everything that she did.  When at last Pearl had come to her with her earnest apologies and her eyes full of cringing hope she had only wanted to see her grovel and squirm.  

She’d realised, though, that at least appearing to forgive her would bind Pearl to her; Pearl’s guilt was probably the only appeal Lapis had to anyone but Steven.  Garnet and Amethyst felt regret about the way they’d treated her, she was pretty sure, but they weren’t horrified and ashamed the way Pearl was.  They regretted it because it had turned out badly and caused a lot of problems more than because they cared for how she’d felt.  That was understandable in its own way.  They’d obviously had to harden themselves and numb their fellow feeling for other Gems to be able to fight them, kill them and imprison them.  It would be the only way to do it relentlessly for thousands of years without breaking down.  She found it darkly funny how they thought of their captives as “corrupted” when they had so clearly been corrupted by their own choices.  Compassion could be extended to someone once she was brought into the Crystal Gem circle, but since Lapis had no desire to be in that circle she didn’t expect anything from them.  There was no point in wasting her energy on them; it wouldn’t make her any safer.

Pearl was different.  Pearl was desperate to please her.  Pearl couldn’t bear the thought that she had made a fully sentient Gem suffer, without the consolation of the way she could tell herself she was _protecting_ those she’d imprisoned.  She needed to feel that she was a good person or she would know that she’d never been worthy of Rose’s love, a thing she doubted all the time anyway.  That much was clear.  It was kind of ridiculous how much the renegade who fought under a banner of freedom wanted to be someone’s slave, just as long as she was sure that someone loved her.  Not that Lapis didn’t know exactly how that felt or couldn’t remember aching to belong to Blue Diamond completely, to lose herself in the absolute peace of loving submission, she just thought she was a bit more consistent and self-aware about it.

So she’d let Pearl appease her and played the part of slowly softening towards her.  She’d established trust and created intimacy and wrapped Pearl up in chains of gratitude and guilt, and Pearl had kept helpfully offering her new loops to wind around her neck as she told her secrets and bared her heart and offered her all her weaknesses.  It had been a very difficult strategic decision to try fusion again, and what made her mind up was the fact that she was fairly sure if Pearl never got what she so obviously, desperately wanted in that respect, it would eventually lessen her devotion.  She had such effusive romantic ideas about fusion; if Lapis wanted to keep her on the hook she’d have to provide something in that direction and make it convincing.

That had been the first shock, how completely different Blue Opal was from Malachite and how innocent and joyful she was.  It didn’t seem as if it should be possible when she came from two wrecks like Lapis and Pearl, but you couldn’t argue with what was self-evident.  Blue was someone happy and whole.  There must have been enough good bits between them to give rise to that.  And bit by bit Blue had grown stronger and more stable because bit by bit, Lapis was giving more of herself, more of the new feelings that were starting to grow like little green fiddleheads pushing up through matted layers of dead bracken - and how long had it been since she’d felt _anything_ that was new or fresh to her?  It was so strange to see something in herself that was clean and good and honest, and she knew it must be because of Steven.  Steven was healing her every day with the radiance of his heart; if her feelings were little growing plants he was the sun.  What was good and living in her now was a gift from him and the second shock was how much she wanted to share that gift with Pearl.  

The third shock was the night they lay floating together under a crescent moon after being Blue, hand in hand like sea otters, the ocean softly moving them in a deep, slow swell, and Pearl had sighed and said that she loved her so, and she had replied “I love you too,” the way she always had, and actually completely meant it.  She had said it just because it was true and she wanted Pearl to know it, not because she needed to work Pearl to feel a certain way.  She felt sick and afraid when she saw that, because she’d managed to wind the chains around her own neck, and there were times when she felt them tighten until her throat closed and tears ran from her eyes.  She’d trapped herself with Jasper and now she’d trapped herself with Pearl.  This time she was just going to have to live with it.  But it wasn’t so bad, after all, to be bound to someone who wanted to be bound to you.  Gradually the chains were softening until they almost felt like ribbons.  She smiled a little and thought, _or a string of pearls._

The fourth shock struck her lying on a beanbag chair in a musty-smelling room full of junk with Peridot’s soft breathing tickling her cheek.  She’d made up her mind Jasper was manipulating her because she despised herself so much for manipulating Pearl and being able to despise Jasper was an attempt to stop missing her.   _Ugh._  She winced with pity and disgust as if she’d just watched someone walk smack into a wall.  That was _moronic_ but it had the ring of truth.  Jasper didn’t know a damn thing about life at court and the games you had to play to rise.  She was sure to have had her own struggle for security and standing, because nobody was safe by right, but Lapis doubted now that it had been all that subtle.  Jasper wasn’t subtle and she wasn’t hiding a secret subtle side.  She was just big and sincere and in some ways not all that bright, not that a self-projecting moron could criticise.

It was probably time to think about Jasper properly, but her feelings there were such a mess.  She wanted her time and attention and to be important to her, but what if she got that and Jasper turned out to be nothing but boring and annoying?  It was too easy to imagine.  How could she get out of that?  How could she explain it to Pearl, who _loved_ Jasper, without just looking like an awful person to her?  Jasper must have her qualities for Pearl to love her in the first place, and for other people to be as fond of her as they clearly were.  That was something.  The fact that people other than Pearl enjoyed Jasper’s company helped assuage the suspicion that the only real basis for _their_ relationship was sexual attraction.  (That was still obviously a big chunk of it, and she sometimes felt paradoxically hurt by the way that Pearl would scurry off to Jasper when she felt amorous.  Even if neither of them wanted to alter the nature of their sort of romantic friendship, a certain sense of pride meant she wanted to know that it would have been an option.  Still, if Pearl’s type consisted of ten tons of hair and a physique that could only fairly be described as ginormous it wasn’t that surprising.)

_Do I trust Jasper?  Not very much.  I’d say that I trust her not to directly, deliberately hurt me, except that I still worry a little bit that she will.  Do I like Jasper?  I don’t know yet.  I_ feel _as if I know her but if I try to think of_ what _I know about her it’s difficult to say.  What can I tell Pearl that I want?  It’s easy enough for Jasper,_ she _knows how she feels.  She_ has _what she wants.  She doesn’t actually want anything to do with me, she’s just trying to accept me to be kind.  She’s such a jerk.  A big… kind… jerk.  Aaaargh._

Peridot moved, and Lapis thought she was waking, but she only rolled towards Amethyst and put her arm around her.  That freed Lapis’ leg and she was able to wriggle off the beanbag without disturbing them.  She hurried over to one of the pools of water and dropped through, wanting the peace of Pearl’s room.


	30. Chapter 30

Days were going by, and Lapis still didn’t seem ready to stick her hand in the bucket.  She kept avoiding Jasper, too, so she couldn’t ask her how she was doing without having to chase her, and that felt really wrong.  Unless Lapis was _hoping_ she would chase her to prove she wanted to talk to her, or some overthought thing like that, and that seemed risky to guess at.  She kept thinking about the bucket, though, not the metaphorical bucket of the big talk with Pearl but the literal bucket of water.  That had been a while ago now.  She could probably stand to make a bit more progress but she didn’t think she could get much further on her own.  

Steven, Connie and Pearl were up at the sky arena for a fencing lesson, and she waited around for them in the living room.  She’d been up to the arena once to watch a lesson but it had made her weirdly uncomfortable to be there.  Yellow Diamond’s arena looked so similar and she’d spent so long training, teaching and fighting there herself that she felt as if she was in two places at once and it was profoundly unsettling.  It wasn’t the kind of thing that made her panic but she definitely didn’t want a second visit.  Pearl had seemed disappointed that she didn’t want to go again and from her confused reaction, Jasper thought she’d done a pretty bad job of explaining why.  Still, she had let it be and Jasper was grateful for that.  She’d felt she’d disappointed Pearl again lately; Pearl had invited her into her room one night when Lapis was visiting with Peridot and she’d gone in eagerly, remembering that the water hadn’t bothered her when she’d reformed there, only to find that that had been some kind of fluke because she hadn’t been in there a minute before she had to back out in a cold sweat.  And Pearl had hugged her and told her it didn’t matter at all, and maybe it didn’t but it would still have been nicer if she’d been okay.

The kids came tumbling off the warp pad talking nineteen to the dozen and Pearl stepped down a moment later.  She skipped over and deposited herself in Jasper’s lap, astride her leg, and bounced up to kiss her.  “Hello, sweetie!”

“Why are you so cute?  What do you think you’re playing at?  You could cause a ruckus or something.”

“I have no excuses,” Pearl said, beaming.  “I’m irresponsibly cute with a reckless disregard for the consequences.”

“This is why we young people are going to the bad,” Connie said.  “We have such terrible role models.”

“Oh, well, it’s probably _not_ very good role modelling to carry on this way,” Pearl said, blushing and turning to sit sidesaddle as if that was a more decorous way of being on her girlfriend’s lap.

“No-ooooooooooh,” Steven protested, on his way back from the fridge with glasses of ice water and lemon.  “We like you being happy, it’s nice!  Go on, hug it up.”

_“Ste_ ven,” Connie said, “you’ll embarrass them.”

“I’m not embarrassed,” Jasper said, shrugging.

“I am just a little,” Pearl admitted.

“Do you think you two might ever get married?” Steven asked brightly.

“Oh, no,” Pearl said dismissively.  “Marriage isn’t a Gem custom, and I’m afraid on Earth it began primarily as a way of treating women like property that could be transferred from fathers to husbands.  It’s not something I personally approve of.  Even today, marriages are mostly entered into for religious or legal reasons, and neither applies to us.  It’s just irrelevant.”

“But people can get married just because they love each other,” he said, his eyebrows crumpling together.  “Like my mom and dad.”

Pearl blinked.  “Your parents were never married.”

“They weren’t?”  Steven’s expression was shifting from confusion to concern.

“Of course not.  Did someone tell you they were?”

“No, I just thought they must have been!”

“I hope it doesn’t upset you that they weren’t,” Pearl said uncertainly.  “It’s really not important.”

“I didn’t know you were so traditional,” Connie said.  “I don’t want to get married.”

“You don’t!?”

“Well, I think Pearl’s right about the whole institution being pretty bogus and patriarchal.  And it’s so conventional.  How many people do it because they think that’s just what you’re supposed to do to be happy, as if they’re following a script?  And our media just reinforces the script as if a wedding and a happy ending are synonymous.  That’s not for me.  I mean, my mother will have a kitten but by then I’ll be an adult so she’ll just have to deal with it.”

“But - but if you really truly loved someone forever and always -”

“I didn’t say I don’t want to love someone and spend my life with them.  That sounds wonderful, I just don’t want to marry them.”

“Oh.  I guess that’s good too.”

“You’re basically bummed because this means no wedding cakes and flowers and big fluffy bride dresses to look forward to, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Steven said forlornly.

“Well, why don’t you just be a wedding planner when you grow up and enjoy it all vicariously?”

Steven clapped his hands to his cheeks, his eyes shining.   _“Oh my gosh I have a new aspiration.”_

“I think you may be a little busy,” Pearl said dubiously.

“Nope!  Gonna do it all.  Career, love, family, saving the world.”

“I support your aspiration,” Connie said, and high-fived him.

“Yay!”

“Jasper, please back me up here.  Steven isn’t going to have time to fulfill his responsibilities as a Crystal Gem _and_ plan people’s weddings.  Why don’t they just plan them themselves?  How hard can it be?   _I_ could organise a wedding in an afternoon.”

“I’m a Crystal Gem and I also wash cars and dogs, so maybe he could.”

Pearl frowned.  “I hope you’re not saying that you would stay at the car wash if you were bathing a dog when we needed you to come and fight for us.”

“No, of course not!  I’d be here like lightning, and Greg knows what’s up.”

“And can you expect any old person who probably thinks their own little wedding is a matter of the greatest importance to be as understanding?”

“Oh,” Jasper said.

“Oh,” Steven echoed, visibly crestfallen.

“Oh, I don’t mean you shouldn’t - keep busy.  It’s just that because of the demands of your true calling, any other work you choose to do should be flexible,” Pearl said.  “Something where you can set your own schedule.”

Steven nodded slowly.  “I guess there’s still a lot of time to think about it.  I’m still a ways off from growing up.  And there’s lots of things I’d like to do.  Like be a musician, or a professional beach hunk, or go around helping people with angry scared cats like Jackson Galaxy.  Who is also a musician!  But not too busy to answer his fan mail, which is the mark of a true star.”

“Can I… well, derail the whole conversation?”  Jasper asked.  “I wanted to ask Steven and Connie something.  In private.  Not that I don’t want you sitting on me at all times, Princess Pearl.  But in private.”

“Oh, is it a secret?”  Pearl asked archly.  “Perhaps a surprise?”

“It’s probably not going to be all that surprising, but it’s something I hope you’re going to like but I don’t want to unveil anything until I’m sure it’s going to work.”

“Oh!  Oh, I know exactly what it must be!”  Pearl clapped her hands together as if they were on mute, a sort of “pat-pat-pat” under her chin to help keep the secret.  “Well, I won’t get in the way.  I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful.   _You’re_ wonderful.  Have fun!”  She got up, pressed another kiss to Jasper’s cheek and hurried away into the Temple.

“What does _she_ think it is?”  Connie asked.  “Because you look confused.”

“Oh, crap.  She must think it’s for - look, don’t say anything to anyone but I’m trying to learn a song for her - button it, Steven - I think she thinks you guys are going to play the music.  This is getting out of hand.”

_“What song?”_  Steven asked, indistinctly because he was pinching his lips together with his fingers and thumbs.

“I haven’t even picked yet.  Anything I think _sounds_ good _feels_ stupid as soon as it’s me trying to sing it.  That’s not what it _is,_ though.  I do want your help.”

“We could help you _write_ a song that’s just right for you!”  He saw her beseeching expression and relented.  “Okay, we’ll have a musical secret team another time.  What’s the theme for _this_ secret team?”

“Both of you can swim, right?”

“Sure,” said Steven. 

“I have certificates,” said Connie.

“Okay.  I want to start trying to get on top of my water problem a little more.  I’m feeling stronger, plus I think if I go too long without trying to make some progress I’m going to get stuck where I am.”

“That’s good thinking, and it’s brave of you,” Connie said, which felt to Jasper a lot like getting a medal, even if she hadn’t earned it yet.  Anyway, it made her shoulders wriggle.

“So what I want to try to do is, well, I don’t know.  I don’t think I can do seawater yet, but is there any kind of… big pond or anything around here?  Or is the weather too cold for you to go swimming now?”

“Oh, you want us to teach you to swim?” Steven asked, excited.

“Oh, I’m nowhere near ready to swim, I just want to be sure you’re safe while I slowly, pathetically learn to maybe wade.”

“I know some swimmin’ holes,” Steven said.

“Actually, you know what would be better?  The pool at the community centre.  A nice controlled environment, clear water, it’s indoors and heated so the weather doesn’t matter, and you can start at the shallow end and work your way along,” Connie suggested.

“Would I be allowed?  I mean, it’s a humans’ pool, right?”

“I don’t see why not, I mean, as long as you don’t try to wear jeans in the pool or break any other Pool Commandments,” Steven said.

“That’s all right, I don’t even own jeans,” Jasper said.

“Do you own a swimsuit?  That’s kind of compulsory.”

“No, but I could shapeshift one.  I stink at doing that kind of thing spontaneously but if I’ve got time to prepare it I’m okay.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Connie said.  “Let’s see, I’m busy after school tomorrow but Friday afternoon’s free. Why don’t we meet up at the pool at four?”

“Yeah, I think Greg would let me take off early.  Well, Greg basically lets me do whatever.  Pearl had a point.”

“And I have no responsibilities!” Steven crowed.  “Oh.  Except all life on Earth, but no plans for Friday!”

 

The plan didn’t stay quite that simple.  Jasper thought she’d made a minor error in consulting with Peridot on appropriate swimwear.  In retrospect she didn’t know why she’d thought Peridot was a good person to ask; just because she obsessively watched a TV show set at a summer camp where people went swimming in a lake didn’t mean she was an expert.  Maybe she’d just wanted to ask her because she was her friend.  That had meant Peridot decided she needed to _be_ an expert on swimwear and did extensive online research, and as night followed day that had meant Amethyst soon knew all about it and contributed her opinions and a variety of slightly sketchy suggestions about how cute Peridot might look in a bikini.  

Before long they had invited themselves on the outing and presented Jasper with so many design options she didn’t know what to think.  In the end she wimped out and made it a completely plain blank tank suit with short legs like bike pants, because according to Amethyst if she wore anything higher cut her ass was going to cause a riot.  Amethyst was all in favour of inciting an ass riot, but she wanted to concentrate on her primary mission.

By the time they met outside the community centre she was so nervous that only pride and gratitude to Steven and Connie kept her from calling the whole thing off.  It was sort of a relief that there was no practical need to go into the changing rooms.  Seeing nude humans would just be one new experience too many.  The three Gems sat on the spectator benches waiting for Steven and Connie to emerge.

“Dude, you’re going to wear socks in the pool?” Amethyst asked.

“They’re scuba booties, because I feel too undressed with bare feet in public,” Peridot replied.  “Look how snazzy they are!”  She stuck her legs out to admire her little black boots.

“Fair enough.  Still the cutest girl at the pool.”

“Oh no no no no, _you_ are the cutest girl at the pool.”

“Thanks.”

“Argue with me about it some more!”

“Too late!  You gave it up.”

“Jasper!  Adjudicate.”

“What?”  She’d been concentrating so much on breathing steadily that it took a moment to remember what she’d just heard them saying.  “Um, okay, Peridot’s the cutest one wearing a suit with ruffles on the butt and Amethyst’s the cutest one in a two-piece.”

Amethyst blew a raspberry.  “Pick a side!  And it’s a tankini.”

“Isn’t a tankini really a swimsuit that can’t pick a side?”  Peridot asked.

“Ooooooh, that’s deep.  This is why I date a smartie.  With ruffles on her butt.”

Peridot gave a sudden squeak and bounced in her seat.

“No butt-pinching,” Jasper said sternly, shaking her finger at Amethyst.  “And try to keep the weird flirting under control.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Amethyst said, putting her feet up on the bench in front and looking smug.  Peridot poked her in the half-inch of tummy that was showing between the top and bottom of her suit and she folded up wheezing.

“Oh, excellent, you two, if I don’t drown I’ll die of second-hand embarrassment.”

“You can’t _actually_ drown,” Peridot said, patting her knee reassuringly.  “You may experience sensations _similar_ to drowning but it’s impossible for you to asphyxiate.  Just bear that in mind.”

“I’ll try.”

“How are you doing?”

“Not… _bad._  Connie’s always so smart.  There’s a lot of water and it _is_ giving me heebie-jeebies, but look how they’ve got it contained in a box.  And she’s right, it’s clear, I can see to the bottom, I know there’s nothing hiding down there.”

“Yeah, I think the worst thing you’re gonna get hit with in there is a stranger’s floating Band-Aid,” Amethyst said.  Peridot suppressed a dry heave.

“So I don’t _like_ the looks of it but I don’t hate it as much as I could.”

“You sound impressively calm,” Peridot said.

“I _sound_ calm but if anything even damp touches me before I’m psyched up for it I’ll scream and die.”

“You’ll be okay, and we’ll be here for moral support.”

“I do immoral support,” Amethyst said.  “It’s still supportive, but the jokes are dirtier.”

“I… actually wanted to try with just Steven and Connie.  I appreciate you two _wanting_ to help but they’re the ones I _asked_ to help.  Too many helpers is a crowd, you know?”  

“Oh.  Okay,” Peridot said, looking a little disappointed and a little relieved.  “I guess it could be distracting to have four coaches at once.”

“I’m thinking Connie as coach and Steven as cheerleader.  Here they come now.”

“We can go goof off, then,” Amethyst said.  “C’mon Peri, I’ll show you the sign with the rules, or as I call them, _the challenges.”_  They scuttled off hand in hand.

“Hey Jasper,” Connie said.  “Where are they going?”

“It’s probably better if we don’t know.  Thanks for coming to help me with this - I just don’t want you to be too disappointed if we don’t get anywhere today.”

“Perfectly all right if we don’t.  If you just want to watch people swim and acclimate a little that way, it’s still worth doing.”

“We’ve figured out a whole big step-by-step plan but there are no deadlines in it,” Steven said.  “Flexible like Pearl was saying.”

“Okay.  What would be step one?” Jasper asked while tying up her hair.  It wasn’t so much that she thought it would get in her way as that it had become a way to make herself feel more prepared for things when putting on a helmet wasn’t appropriate.  You probably weren’t supposed to wear a helmet in the pool.

“Step one, let’s go over by the shallow end and take a look.”  They led her over and stopped a little way from the edge.

“At this end, Steven and I can both stand up and have our heads out of the water,” Connie said, “so for you it’s pretty much a wading pool.  You’ve got your basic swimming pool infrastructure.  It’s free swim now so they don’t have the lane divider rope thingies out, but there’s a ladder for getting in and out, there’s the depth marked on the side, there’s the lanes marked in tiles on the bottom.  And over there on the high chair, you’ve got the lifeguard who’ll pull you out if you get into trouble.”

“Seriously, him?  It’d take five of him to budge me an inch.”

“Okay, he’s more of a psychological prop.  Sometimes it’s just comforting to know someone in a red swimsuit is nearby.”

“My suit is red,” Steven pointed out helpfully.

“I’m very comforted by that,” Jasper told him.  “Step two?”

“Step two,” he said, “well, here’s where we pause and ask if you’d like to go on to step two or figure out a step one point five.  We thought a good step two might be to sit down and put your feet in the water, but if that’s moving too fast we can dial it down.”

“No, I think I can do that.  I mean, if I can put my hand in a bucket of water I should be able to put my feet in a pool.”  The pool was _much_ bigger than a bucket but still a lot smaller than the ocean.

“Okay!  So we sit down on the side,” Steven said, planting his bottom on the tiles and drawing his knees up under his chin.  Connie did likewise beside him, and Jasper, telling herself that if she fell she was going to fall backward, even if she did crack her head, followed.

“We look like three wise monkeys,” said Connie.  She put her hands over her ears and Steven put his over his eyes, and they laughed.  Jasper was too busy staring down the water to ask what that was about.

“Okay Jasper,” said Steven, “whenever you’re ready you can try, I don’t know, maybe just to touch the water with your foot?”

“Instead of whenever I’m ready, can you give me a countdown?”

“Sure, but you know you can tell me if you need more time, right?”

“Steven, if you’re too nice to me I will wuss out.  Counting me in is not like yelling ‘look over there!’ and then shoving me in the water, okay?  It’s pretty gentle.”

“Okay.  From ten.  Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.  Dab, dab.”  He patted the water with his foot and flinched back from the splash Jasper had made shoving her own leg in up to the knee.  “Whoa!”

“Thisisenoughforoneday,” Jasper said, pulling in her leg and hitching herself rapidly backwards until she bumped into the spectator benches.  They both came pattering over to her, eyes wide.

“Are you okay?”  Connie asked gently.  

“Yeah, I just - you know how sometimes you know you’re going to have to _make_ yourself do something and then you do it way too hard?”

“Say again?  You’re talking kind of fast.”

“I’m okay.  I know it sounds weird, but I feel like I need to do the other leg to even it up.  Can we go back and do that?”

“Yeah, of course.”

She managed a more controlled dipping movement the second time, and the dirty look the lifeguard was giving her faded.

“That was really good!”  Steven said, beaming.  

“Okay.  I did one at a time.  I’m gonna do both together.   _Then_ that’s enough for one day.”

“Want me to count you in?”

“Once I get them _in,_ give me a count of ten.  Then I can take them out.  Okay?”

“You don’t have to push yourself.”

“Yeah I do.  Here we go, both feet in.”

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…”

The water didn’t feel cold or warm, and it felt softer than seawater but harsher than rainwater, with a stronger added-chemical smell than tap water..  It just held her legs; there was no downward drag and no current, other than the directionless sloppy lapping against the sides of the pool which kind of reminded her of a dog drinking.  She was remembering to breathe and holding it steady.  Maybe this was too easy?  Maybe she was being weak, doing it this way.  She abruptly imagined something unseen brushing against her foot, an invisible chain coiling around her ankle, and knew this wasn’t easy at all.  

“...five, four, three, two, one.  Go Jasper!”

“Okay, yeah, go me.”  She hauled herself backwards again and tried to look casual about sitting there until she felt sure her legs were going to hold her if she stood up.

“That was fantastic,” Connie said, and hugged her arm.

“No it wasn’t.  You’re not scared to do that, none of these people are scared to do that.  I’m the only wimp treating it like a big deal.”  Suddenly the whole supposed achievement felt like a big disappointment.  Who was she kidding?  And how weird and stupid must she look to everyone around them?

“Jasper.  You just did something you’ve been scared to do as long as I’ve known you.  I know you’re not where you want to be yet, but you’re allowed to be happy with what you did today.  Actually, you’re required to be.”

“And we’re proud of you,” Steven said, hugging the other arm.  

“I _want_ to feel good but I mostly just want to feel dry.”

“So let’s get our towels.”

 

They had some trouble finding Amethyst and Peridot again.  They turned out to be lurking outside the building, having been banished for horseplay.

“What a stupid word,” Peridot grumbled as they walked home, Steven riding on Jasper’s back.  “We weren’t pretending to be horses at all.  If I’m going to be banished from a public facility, at least let the charge fit the crime!”

“What _were_ you doing?” Steven asked.

Amethyst clapped her hand over Peridot’s mouth.  “Never tell them,” she said.  “It’ll be so much more epic in their imaginations.”

Peridot nodded seriously.  When she had her mouth back she asked, “So are we banished forever or could we sneak back in if we wait for a different lifeguard to be on duty?”

“Well, they didn’t have my picture up behind the front desk any more.  It usually takes a few years for full staff turnover.  Let’s try again in five.”

“Wow.”

“I’ve been getting banned from that pool since it opened!  It’s tradition.”

“Jasper’s being quiet,” Peridot said.  “You’re being quiet, Jasper.  Are you okay up there?”

“Mmhm.  Just feeling kind of small.”

“Ah.  Anything we could do to embiggen you again?”

“You know who I haven’t seen in a while?  Tourmaline.”

“Oh yeah.  We might know where to find her,” Amethyst said.

“Think she’d be up for a friendly fight?”

“She’d like nothing better,” Peridot said.

“Getting roughed up is going to make you feel better?” Steven asked doubtfully.

“Yeah, I think it will.”

 

And she was right.  They destroyed two sand dunes and kicked up three new ones and the sheer exhilaration of taking and giving a pummelling melted out a cramped tightness in her body that had snuck up on her so she hadn’t quite noticed it was there.  Once it was gone she felt wonderful by comparison and could only roll around laughing with relief until she was limp and giggly.

_“That_ was weird,” Tourmaline said fondly.

“Yeah, I know.”  Jasper rolled onto her belly, across Tourmaline’s belly like a plus sign.  “Thanks for being weird with me.  I didn’t realise how much I needed it.”

“Don’t wait so long next time.  Who else am I gonna roughhouse with?”

“Garnet?”

“That could actually work.  I should tackle her sometime.”  Tourmaline slapped her on the backside.  “Assquake.”

“I think I need to fight more.  Maybe I’ve got too caught up in the whole dog-washing-walking thing.  I still love the dogs, but the Crystal Gems need me too.”

“What is that, work-life balance?  Which is which?”

“Beats me.”  Jasper scratched her head and a small dune slid out of her hair.

“Your new name is Sandy.  You’re gross.”

“You’re just as gross.”

“Yeah, but I pop apart into two cuties who are going to take a bubble bath together.  They’re having a _good_ day.”

“I just always feel better about things seeing how happy they are together.  I think _you’re_ so swell beause they’re so happy.  But then, Blue Opal’s amazing, and there’s some stuff going on for Pearl and Lapis.  No wait, I didn’t tell you that, that’s still confidential.”

“I wanna meet Blue Opal.  Blopal.  I’m gonna call her Blopal.”

“She likes Blue.”

“Good ol’ Blopal.  I’m not surprised if there’s stuff, though.  She always looks kinda fragile, sort of wispy and thin at the edges.  Well, that’s how she looks to Amethyst.  Peridot thinks she looks all frippery-doo-dah and impractical.”

“Really?  I mainly just think she’s beautiful.  I guess I _am_ a sucker for a pretty face and long legs.”

“What, you’re into Blopal now?”

“Just to look at.”

“I’m just imagining you two dancing and her dipping _you.”_

“No thanks.”

“You notice how some of those water backup dancers in her show looked a bit like you?”

“Nah, I was watching her.  I guess that’s Pearl’s input.  I know she’d love for us to dance, but…”

“No, I get it, deal with one crippling neurosis at a time.  You did good at the pool today.”

“What did _they_ do at the pool today?”

“They did _baaaaaaad_.”

“You’re not gonna tell?”

“I agree with Amethyst, I want you to blow it out of _all_ proportion in your imagination.”

“Will do.”  She rolled off Tourmaline and onto her feet, stretching with her arms over her head.  “We should beat each other up again tomorrow.  It’s refreshing.  Oh, and I need to see Vidalia too.  I’ve really let her down on that portrait thing.”

“You going back to clean up?”  Tourmaline asked, sitting up.

“Yeah, I’ve had enough.”

“I’m going to stay out a while longer.  Watch the sun set.”

“You enjoy it.”  Jasper leaned over and hugged her.

She showered the sand out of her hair and the weird chlorine smell off her legs, wondering if it would make any difference getting into water if that water were warm or hot.  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Hard to test.  She wasn’t prepared to make herself small enough to fit into the bathtub in the house, even if Pearl _would_ get in with her (and they could have bubbles).  Even when she was a relatively human height she was still pretty wide, and she was fairly sure that tub wouldn’t accommodate her hips.  She was also fairly sure Pearl didn’t find her quite as attractive when she shrank down, while still of course loving her the same amount whatever her dimensions.  She dried herself, reformed her clothes and wrapped her towel around her hair as she left the shower.  

The sun had nearly sunk right into the horizon by now.  It looked like someone had smashed a blood orange against the sky and it was leaking into the sea.  Tourmaline had picked a good evening for sunset viewing.

Apparently Lapis thought it was a good evening for sunset viewing too.  She was sitting on the steps up to the deck, with her elbows on her knees and her chin on her folded hands, frowning a little, though that might have been squinting against the low red light.

“Oh, hi,” Jasper said, and attempted to smile politely.

“Hello,” said Lapis, not looking at her.  “I heard you went swimming today.”

“Not really _swimming.”_

“Nevertheless, Steven was impressed.”

“Aw, I love Steven, but he impresses easy.”  Jasper rubbed her arm sheepishly.  

“I know.  I was thinking about it, though.  It’s weird and annoying how you try to relate everything in life to _Star Wars,_ but I thought you might appreciate this.  In _Adventure Time,_ the hero Finn the Human is afraid of the ocean.  He doesn’t know why, and if it’s revealed later on I’m not up to that episode yet.  It just terrifies him.  He tries to force himself past that fear and he can’t.  This evil smoke ghost called a Fear Feaster emerges from his navel to taunt him about it.”

“Well, _that_ sounds weird.”  Jasper looked at her own belly, navel-free.

“Anyway, Finn’s best friend Jake the Dog tries to help him overcome his fear.  It doesn’t work.  The most Finn can do is to find ways to get _around_ the fear when he really has to, to save Jake’s life.  At the end of the adventure he feels like a failure, since he wants to be a valiant hero, and the Fear Feaster is still mocking him, but then a spectral limousine appears and three wise ghosts pop out.”

“A spectral limousine.”  She leaned her elbow on the side of the staircase, trying to envision that.

“Yes.  And they tell Finn that he can still be a hero and in fact the mark of a true hero is his flaw.  And the fact that he doesn’t give up despite his fear, blah blah blah, the sort of thing you like.  I thought that could be encouraging for you.”

“Lapis, that’s seriously nice of you.”  No more attempted polite smile; a huge dumb happy smile had bloomed on her face and she couldn’t have stopped it if she’d tried.  “Thank you.”

“Yes, well.  Take the towel off your head.”

“Why?”  She did it anyway.  Lapis sketched a gesture in the air and drew off all the water still soaked into it, dispersing it in a spray of drops over the sandy ground.  “Thanks again.”

“But I haven’t told you my favourite detail.”

“Which is?”

“The horrible, malevolent Fear Feaster’s voice is performed by somebody called Mark Hamill, who played your precious Luke Skywalker in _Star Wars.”_ Lapis smiled.  It wasn’t a mean smile, even if what she said sounded mocking.  She just looked honestly amused.

“Huh!”

“Peridot is compelled to tell me background trivia.  Anyway, I thought you deserved some kind of reward for your heroic efforts today, so I told you a story and dried your hair.  There.”  She stood up and brushed invisible dust off her skirt, and turned to climb the stairs.

“Hey, wait.”  Jasper reached out her hand, not meaning to _grab_ Lapis’ ankle, just awkwardly touching her bare foot.

“What?”  She stopped, one foot raised, looking down at Jasper suspiciously.

“You do know that really meant a lot to me, right?  You waiting out here for me, telling me about something just because you thought it’d make me feel good - that’s _special.”_

“That’s the idea.”  Her expression softened a bit.

“What could I do back for you?  Something to make _you_ feel good.  I mean, you said you’d missed me.  What do you miss _about_ me?  I could try to do some of that.”

Lapis bit her lip and glanced away.  “I miss you being part of me; I miss not having to be _me._  It isn’t really something you can do.”

“Oh.  Sorry.”  She hesitated.  “Was being Malachite _better_ than being Lapis Lazuli?”

“They were both awful, but Malachite had novelty value.  You know, a change is as good as a rest?”  She lowered her foot; Jasper’s fingertips brushed the side of it.  “Being Lapis Lazuli is gradually improving, though.”

“Good.  If you think of something I _could_ do, will you tell me?”

“Just asking what you could do felt like something.”  The corner of her mouth quirked up.  “I like how you and I have such ridiculously low standards of positive interaction.  The slightest bit of niceness feels like such a big deal.”

“Lapis?  You want to try talking to Pearl tonight?”

She shook her head and turned away.  “Don’t spoil it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Giant Hairy Hippie Steven](http://maariamph.tumblr.com/post/115622836083) is my number one favourite future vision of Steven. Giant Hairy Hippie Wedding Planner Steven would be heckuva cute. 
> 
> Also at this point it's probably sensible to tag this as poly. That's pretty much the way it's going, though I don't know how successfully.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long talks. Loooooong talks.

The next day, to Pearl’s surprise and satisfaction, Jasper didn’t go to work.  Greg had informed her via text to Steven (he’d tried to phone the house but only got a busy signal that was later traced to Lion having batted the phone receiver off its cradle) that he was taking a personal day and leaving the car wash closed, so she was on vacation aside from any dog walks she’d already booked.  That meant she was available to do mundane yet pleasing things like sit on the floor and help fold the perennial huge pile of clean red teeshirts, which she did with an intent and careful concentration that Pearl found inexpressibly sweet.

“I sometimes think,” Pearl said, stacking nicely folded shirts in the clean-laundry basket, “that it’s the calm, quiet times like these that are most precious.  They don’t have the _intensity_ of more emotionally heightened occasions, but they’re… _pure,_ I suppose.  Just the fact that we _have_ days like this, days when nothing much happens and we’re at peace, is precious, isn’t it?”

“Days like this still feel kind of strange to me,” Jasper said.  “Not a bad strange, just a new-world strange.  I mean… _laundry.”_

“I know, right?  Of course, it’s only been a few years we’ve had Steven living here, and it was quite a learning curve at first.  I turned out to have a natural aptitude for it, though!  Well, things like laundry were a little easier to get the hang of than other aspects of childcare.”

“Really?  I don’t know what’s normal, but you seem like a natural.  Just… motherly.  Though I don’t even know if I’m using that word right.”  

“Do you really think so?”  Pearl was a little surprised that it should mean so much to her that Jasper thought she was motherly.  It had nothing to do with _their_ relationship, and Jasper had just acknowledged herself that she was no judge of these things, but it gave her a warm sweet ache in her chest to hear it.  

“For what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth a lot to me.”

Jasper leaned down and kissed her, once lightly on each cheek.  She sometimes wondered if Jasper had any idea what an overwhelming experience she was up close, with the warmth of her skin and the heavy sweep of her hair, falling forward over her shoulder, and the soft slightly cinnamon smell of both that made Pearl’s toes curl up inside her shoes.

“What was that for?” she asked.

“I needed to kiss the places where you blush, that’s all.”  She was still so close, and looking up at Pearl from under her lashes with just a little curl of a smile, and yes, clearly very well aware of the effect she was having and thoroughly enjoying it.  There were times when Pearl could enjoy this sort of thing calmly, but she must be having a susceptible morning, the kind where just a mild touch of flirtation reduced her to helpless giggles and blushes and a need for a tight hug from strong arms to steady her.

“I’m so ridiculously in love with you,” she sighed, nestling in against Jasper’s chest.  Jasper made a small appreciative sound and kissed the top of her head.

“Know what?”

“What?”

“There’s a sunbeam over there, and Lion hasn’t got to it yet, so I think we should lie down in it first.”

“Oh, yes please.”

Another wonderful thing about Jasper was that not only was she the right size to double as a sun-lounge, she actually liked to be lain on.  Pearl could soak up the warmth of the autumn sunshine through her back and the warmth of Jasper through her front, with her head tucked under Jasper’s chin and the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed rocking her like a calm sea.  One large hand lay soothingly heavy at the small of her back.  For a while she just closed her eyes and basked like a cat on top of a sun-baked brick wall, but she could never stay quiet for long.

“Jasper?”

“Mmm?”  She could feel the soft, deep rumble through Jasper’s chest like a purr.

“Once you told me that your stripes are like scars from all the times you’ve been poofed.”

“‘Sright.”

“So are they in the places where the critical injuries were?”

“Yep.”

“Why is your _whole_ left forearm dark orange?”  She stretched out her own hand to trace from elbow to wrist.

“Got chopped off.”

“All right, I’ve been stabbed a lot and crushed a few times, but I’ve never actually had a dismemberment.”

“Well, it stings like a bitch.  And it’s one of the worse ones I’ve had because it takes a while to actually poof you.  Most things take a while to poof me ‘cause I’m built to be extra durable, but there are times when it’s like, ‘Good, I made it back to base, now I can let go,’ and times when it’s like ‘Holy cow kill me now.’  I haven’t thought about my arm in _centuries,_ though.  I mean, it grew back.  I’m a lot luckier than the Skywalkers that way.”

“You’re a very resilient person, my darling.  I wish it came as naturally to me as it does to you.”  She slid her hand into the palm of Jasper’s, and interlaced their fingers, thin and pale between strong and thick.  Jasper gave another gentle rumble and rubbed her cheek against the top of Pearl’s head.

“Call me your darling as much as you want.”

“Yes, my darling.  Question, my darling.”

“Yes, my darling?  Hey, let’s do this in front of Amethyst, it’ll really bug her.”

“Mmmmmno.  Only because she hasn’t done anything this week to deserve it.  It’s… well, I won’t ask you to betray a confidence, of course.”

“Of course.”

“What you talked about with Lapis the other night is between the two of you, I understand that.”

“Right.”

“But… did you get any sort of hint or impression about why she might be upset with me?”

“Upset with you?”

“Yes.  I was so happy that night because the performance went so well and I felt so wonderfully close to her, but since then she’s been… a bit remote?  She seems troubled.  It’s so hard to tell.”

“No, she’s not upset with you.  It’s not up to me to tell you what’s on her mind, but I can promise you it’s not your fault.  You could ask _her.”_

“I want to, but I’m afraid she may be avoiding me.  I seem to be getting snubbed for Peridot.  Oh, I shouldn’t complain about that - it’s nice for her to have another friend, and it’s hardly the sort of thing I should tell _you._  It’s very selfish and tactless of me.  I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”  Jasper lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of Pearl’s.

“I do worry, though.  Oh, I just want things to be all right for all of us.  I’m _so_ glad that you and Lapis are finding a bit of a détente.  Perhaps she’ll begin to see some of the wonderful things about you, and you’ll get to see the wonderful things about her.”

“I don’t know about wonderful yet, but I can see good things about her.  Some of them are ways she’s like you - she’s smart and she can explain what she means really well, at least once she decides she’s going to explain and not leave it up to you to guess.  That part’s less like you.  She’s starting to see things about me that don’t suck, too.  Yesterday she kind of said she thought I was brave.  That felt really special.”

“You talked again yesterday?”  Pearl had to press down firmly on a pang of fear of being left out before it grew into a full stab of “everything important is happening without me and no one misses me at all.”  That train of thought went only to very bad places, in which she was certain that no one really needed her and that she would always lack whatever it was that made people need you and nothing about you mattered if nobody needed you so much that they couldn’t be happy without you.  It was easier by far to stay off it with Jasper holding her than it would have been without that steadying contact.

“Yeah, and that was the other thing that felt special, she came to find _me._ Aw.  Sorry, that wasn’t a great thing to say when you feel like she’s avoiding you.  You want me to help you ambush her?”

Pearl chuckled.  “That’s probably not a _terribly_ good idea, but I appreciate the offer.”

“I didn’t think it was one of my best ones even while I was saying it.”

“Oh, pooh.  The sun must be clouding over.”  Pearl looked up; the light had grown greyer and the golden warmth on her back had faded, except where Jasper’s hand was still resting.

“Wonder where she is today.”

“Oh, I do know that.  Helping Steven with Chalcedony.  They’re teaching her a song.”  Pearl lifted her head up a little and propped her chin on folded arms.

“How do you teach a centipeetle a song?”

“She plays percussion, apparently - all her little clicking and chattering sounds.  Steven’s very excited because she seems to be really understanding and communicating - he can play a little phrase and she can improvise something to go with it, and later she’ll remember what they came up with together.”

“I’d really like to see that.”

“At the moment I think it’s something Steven and Lapis are enjoying having to themselves together, but who knows, perhaps we’ll get a recital from the three of them before long.  Suite for ukulele, water drops and mandibles.  Doooo… you have any idea when you might be ready to perform something for me?”  She finished with a bright, encouraging smile.

“Haven’t forgotten about it, still working on it, don’t hold your breath.”  Jasper tapped her gently on the tip of her nose.

“It doesn’t even need to be very _good,_ I just want to hear _you.”_

“Well, _I_ want it to be good, so you just have to be patient.”

“I speak from experience, Jasper - perfectionism is the next-door neighbour to procrastination.”

“I know, I know.  Right now I’m a lot stronger on humming than singing.  I’ll hum you something.”

“Oh!  Yes please.”  Pearl tucked her head down again.  Jasper’s humming, an unfamiliar tune, was soft and husky at first, but it deepened and sweetened into a reverberating musical thrum that sank in through her skin like the returning sunshine.

 

Jasper had meant to do a thing or two more with her day off, maybe to go and see Vidalia, but it ended up being so nice just to follow Pearl through _her_ day that that was all she did until she tore herself away mid-afternoon to walk the huskies.

“You girls are _really_ lucky I’m so responsible,” she told them as she clipped on their leashes, “because I was having a great day.”  Sansa pushed her snout into the cup of her hand and licked her.  “Well, I’m not going to argue with that, but you should know, that’s all.  First we folded laundry, which I admit doesn’t sound that cool, but you had to be there.”  She shut the gate behind them and started off for the beach.  “We had a pretty excellent nap in a sunbeam.  Well, I napped eventually, she just enjoyed the whole snuggle aspect of the thing.  I think Pearl’s got a hug deficiency, poor kid.”  

Both dogs had stopped to earnestly sniff around the base of a lamppost.  “Okay, check your messages, your gross, pee-based messages.   _Then_ we went to check on a cave where she thought there might be a lurking monster or a numinous object, which there wasn’t either but we found these really neat fish fossils and she told me all about them and a lot of prehistory stuff.  Then _I_ found the part of the cave with glow-worms and that was so beautiful, even after she Pearlsplained a little and told me the glowing part is basically a strand of snot.  I love her so much, doggies, she’s such a dweeb.  Anyway, we stayed there a while, you don’t need the details.  Really, Arya?  Okay, I know, you eat meat, you have guts, you can’t help it.”  

She scooped the dog turd into a bag from the little plastic drum that hung off Sansa’s leash and tied it up.  “Now it’s your job to look out for a trash can.  So then we went back to the house and you guys are really not going to understand the appeal but we basically spent a couple of hours sitting in silence reading our books.  I used to be embarrassed to read in front of Pearl because I thought she’d notice how slow I go but the trick is, if _she’s_ reading she doesn’t notice anything else.  And she likes to lie across my lap with her book, and she says I have pretty much the best lap ever because my thighs have the ideal fat to muscle ratio.  That’s probably official.  Okay, beach.  You two ready to run?  Yeah?  You sure?  You really think so?  I don’t know, you seem like maybe - okay go!”

They thundered up and down the beach, the dogs’ tongues lolling and their eyes manic with happiness, sand spraying up from their feet.  They were on the second lap when Jasper noticed, from the corner of her eye, something blue amongst the grey-green ripples in the sea.  She looked again on the third lap and it was clearly a little blue head.  On the fourth lap the dogs had run off their initial burst of energy so she could skid them to a halt without spoiling their fun too much.

“Lapis?”  she called out.  “Watching me from the sea?  Super weird.  Get over here.”

“No,” Lapis said, bobbing.

“Fine, then I’ll ignore you.”

“Okay.”

She hadn’t wanted her bluff called.  “I can’t ignore you if you’re lurking and staring at me.  What are you even doing it for?”  An encouraging thought occurred to her.  “You like dogs?  Hey, you can come and meet ‘em, these two are sweeties.”

“I think I prefer cartoon dogs.  Actual human dogs look a little bit unhinged.”

“That’s just ‘cause they’re huskies.”  They were swarming around her and tugging on their leashes, not understanding the interruption.  “Look, they need a couple more turns up and down before they’ve had enough.  Meet you after that.”

She did her best not to look for Lapis, just to concentrate on the dogs and when they started to slow down; they were such good sports they would keep running till they dropped if you didn’t notice they were tired.  They needed three more laps, and then they were happy to put on their ‘we are the tiredest puppies ever’ act and be carried back to their favourite resting spot, where there was a big weathered log that made a good backrest for Jasper.  Lapis was sitting on one end of the log, hunched up with her arms wrapped around her knees.  There was a dark damp patch on the wood around her, but she herself seemed to be dry.

Jasper sat down and got comfortable, wondering what was up now.  Maybe this was just a friendly visit, even if it was awkward and weird.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello.”  Lapis tucked the hem of her skirt over her feet, which the dogs were sniffing at curiously.

“Better let ‘em smell your hands.  They won’t bite, but they might lick.  Okay, they’ll probably lick, they’re big kissers.”

Lapis gave her a strange look as her hands were thoroughly examined and somewhat slobbered on.  “Is _this_ what kisses feel like?”

“Oh, no.  I mean, not exactly, not necessarily, it really depends on the person.”

“Good, because _gross.”_ She wiped her hands on her skirt.

“So you’ve got mastery over fresh and salt water, but not over dog drool?  It’s mostly water.”

“It’s not the water I want to get off me, it’s the _residue.”_

“Yeah, that can be a little smelly.  Dogs are overall a little smelly, they can’t help it.  So what brings you here?”

“I’ve often watched you, you’ve just never noticed me.  Perhaps I let myself be a little more noticeable than usual because I wouldn’t mind you seeing me now.”

“You follow me around and watch me?”

“I _realise_ it’s creepy, thank you.  I didn’t know what else to do when I wanted to see you but couldn’t stand being around you.”

“Just at the beach?”

“I may have occasionally looked in on you at the car wash from the drains.”

“Oh, _please_ don’t do that any more.”

“Only the stormwater drains, not the sewers.  I do have standards.”

“If you want to see me, come and _see_ me, okay?  Talk to me like a person and I’ll be happy to see _you.”_

“I know,” Lapis said irritably.  “Here I am!  I’m making an effort _already,_ I don’t actually need you to tell me it was strange and pathetic, I knew that the whole time I was doing it and despising myself for it.”  She fell silent, her chin on her knees and her hair falling forward to screen off her face.  Jasper couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t wind her up more.  The dogs looked from one face to another, panting and tipping their heads from side to side in confusion.

After a long pause, Lapis tucked back a strand of her hair and spoke again.  “The part about having standards because I travel by stormwater drain and not by sewer was meant to be a joke, but I think I failed in the delivery.”

Jasper snorted.  She hadn’t meant to but once she’d made a noise that weird she started to laugh from embarrassment, the kind of laugh that burst out in a spray and buzzed your lips and made you sound like a horse.  She put her hand over her mouth and glanced guiltily at Lapis, who was watching her with narrowed eyes.

“Are you laughing because you got it belatedly or because you think I’m bizarre and creepy?”

“I’m laughing because we’re so damn awkward all the time,” Jasper said, wiping the corner of her eye.  Something occurred to her; how weird Lapis was about apologies.  “You seem like someone who maybe wants to apologise for her past creepy behaviour.”

“Maybe,” Lapis said, tucking folds of skirt between her toes.

“You didn’t have to tell me you were doing that stuff, you know.  I had no idea, and what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.”

“I wanted to be honest with you, and I wanted you to know the worst so you could decide if that really put you off me.  It’s only fair, isn’t it?”

“I guess, if you’re feeling really bad about it.  So now I know the worst, do I get an apology?”

“I don’t think that’s the worst thing I did.”

“If you did something like spy on me in my shower I don’t _want_ to know.”

“No!   _Standards,_ remember?”  Lapis looked honestly indignant.   

“So what was it?”

“I’ve been into your room,” Lapis said, quickly and quietly so that Jasper almost didn’t catch it.

“When?”

“While you were out, obviously.”

“Are we talking about more than once?”

“A few times, but only a short time each.  I did tell you I watched the _Star Wars_ films.  I wasn’t about to ask you to lend them to me, so I went down there to borrow your tapes.  I always put them back before you got back and I never took anything else - I never _touched_ anything else unless you count the door, the light switch and the carpet.  I did look around but that was all.  I felt so guilty the whole time I was there because I knew you wouldn’t want me to be there and if you’d come in and seen me there you would have been… furious, but not just angry, really upset.  Wouldn’t you?  I felt sick.  I _knew_ what I was doing was bad but the best I could do was to just do the least bad version of it I could think of.  And I was a little bit excited in the horrible way that you sometimes are when you’re doing something you’re ashamed of and you know it’s very risky.”

Jasper had dug her hands into the sand and was squeezing handfuls of it so tightly she wouldn’t have been totally surprised if she’d made glass.  She didn’t want to blow up.  For one thing there were innocent doggies present and they couldn’t possibly understand what was going on and would only be scared and upset, and in the worst case scenario someone might get bitten or might take off and run away and get hit by a car.  It also wouldn’t have been entirely surprising if the biter and runner-away had been Lapis, the way things were going.  She was angry with her and baffled by her and kind of disgusted, but she felt so sorry for her, for how desperate she’d been, and how furious she’d be now if Jasper used a word like “desperate” to describe it.

“So what would have been the _most_ bad version?”  It probably didn’t even matter, but she was curious.

“Oh, to watch them on your TV from your bed,” Lapis said at once.  “That’s what I wanted to do.  I’m not suggesting I deserve any praise for not going that far but I suppose I want you to know it could have been worse.”

“The thing is,” Jasper said slowly, “if Pearl wanted to do that, if she was missing me and wanted to feel close to me, I wouldn’t mind.  I’d be happy.  I probably wouldn’t even care if she hadn’t asked me first.”

“I know, Pearl and I are different -” Lapis began.

“No, shut up, let me finish.  My point is, what’s sweet, if a little clingy, if your girlfriend does it is really different when someone does it who not only is not your girlfriend but tells you she hates you.”

“I didn’t _actually_ do it,” Lapis muttered.  “Let’s just remember that.”

“Okay, true, you didn’t.  I kind of let myself in for that asking what the worse thing was.”

“And if you restrict yourself to only creepy things I _have_ done you’ll still have enough to hate me for.”

Jasper poked her in the arm.  “I don’t hate you, remember.”

_“Ow.”_ Lapis rubbed her arm and gave her a dirty look.  “I’m really sorry.  I wish I hadn’t done any of it.  I was doing all those things when I thought you’d never want anything to do with me and were kind of actively working to isolate and ultimately destroy me, so there was no other way I could possibly… well, anyway, now it _is_ possible you might want anything to do with me I suppose I’ve sabotaged that by doing those things when I thought it wasn’t.  It’s not an excuse, it’s just an explanation.  And I’m sorry.”

Jasper sighed and hung her head backwards, feeling her hair pool on the drift of sand that built up behind the log.  “Okay,” she said.  “Apology accepted, on the understanding that you’re never going to sneak around me like that again.”

“Understood.”

“I mean, you do realise that there are completely innocent non-creepy versions of all the things you described, and the difference is I know about them and have a chance to tell you whether or not they’re okay with me?”

“Yes.”

“So from now on, it’s hey Jasper, I thought I’d drop in and see you, working hard or hardly working?  Or hey Jasper, do you want some company when you walk the dogs?  Or hey Jasper, is it okay if I borrow your room to watch a movie?”

Lapis leaned over, the better to stare at her.  “Are you saying you’d actually _let_ me be in there, after what I’ve just told you?”

“It’s not the _being_ in there that’s bad, it’s the _sneaking._ And if I know you’re sorry for the sneaking and it’s not going to happen any more, then yes.  I mean, not if you’re going to leave puddles everywhere and bend back the spines of my books.  I’m not a pushover.”

Lapis straightened up, looking rattled.  “Well, _that_ didn’t go according to plan.”

“The plan for me to hate you?  Do you _want_ me to hate you?  That plan sucks.”

“It was rehearsal for Pearl hating me, which I’m fairly sure has to happen when I tell her the truth.”

“Don’t tell her _that.”_

“What are you talking about?  I have to.  You _want_ me to.”

“I want you to tell her how you feel about her now, not tell her you were only pretending to like her at first.  She doesn’t need to know that.  It can only hurt her feelings and who does it help?  You, me, her?  Anyone?”

“The more I think about it the more ways I think of for it to go wrong.  At first it was just that she won’t feel the same way I do and she’ll feel uncomfortable around me and I’ll lose what we’ve had so far.  And then from there…”  She shook her head hopelessly.

“You know I’m going to tell you to stop thinking about it and do it, right?”

“As if it were easy,” Lapis said, rolling her eyes.

“I know it’s not easy, but won’t it just get harder if you keep psyching yourself out?”

“You wait,” Lapis said with a wry smile.  “If I overthink this enough I can find a reason why I should move to the moon.”

“That was a joke,” Jasper said, pointing at her.  “Wasn’t funny, but it was a joke.  Just giving you credit.”

“How dare you.  I’ve never been more serious about _anything.”_ Lapis slid down the curve of the log and sat on the sand, her head rocking back against the wood with a small _thunk._  “Pearl shouldn’t love me,” she said.  “I’m horrible.”

Jasper blew out a long slow breath.  She reached over and touched Lapis’ cold hand.  “All of us have done horrible things,” she said.  “I can’t even think about everything I’ve done.  I mostly just don’t.  Pearl was asking me today about some of my stripes and I was just thinking, woof, you don’t wanna hear the stories behind these things.  I managed to get around the subject.  And what about what she’s done?  She’s fought in a war too.  She’s spent thousands of years on Earth taking out corrupted Gems and who knows what else.  I don’t _want_ to know.  I just want to love the person she is now and be happy while we can.”

“There’s one innocent person at our house and that’s Steven,” Lapis said, nodding slowly.  “I suppose if any of us are going to love someone else, some mental gymnastics are in order.  Are you trying to hold my hand?”

“I’ll stop if you don’t like it.”

“No.  It’s nice.”  Lapis tipped her head to the side, looking Jasper up and down.  “I understand if you don’t like to tell their stories, but your stripes are beautiful.  I hope you like them for that.”

“Yeah, of course I do.  I hope you like your speckles.  Same reason.”

“If there was some dramatic backstory like a fleck of gold for every lie I’ve told, that would seem kind of appropriate, but in fact I’m just naturally speckly.”

“Your hand warms up if I hold it long enough.”

“Sorry about that.”

“No, it’s nice too.”

“Jasper?”

“Mmm?” 

“I know you’re sure Pearl loves me.  I don’t really understand why that doesn’t bother you more.  She can’t be in love with both of us.”

“I don’t know, maybe.  She acts like she is and I don’t think she’s faking any of that.  She tells me Rose Quartz was like that - she loved Pearl and a lot of other people, humans, men and women.  But that was really rough on Pearl, she was always jealous and worried.  I think things really fell apart around the time Greg showed up, like Rose was more serious about him than the others and that was the last straw for Pearl and she had to back out so she wouldn’t get hurt worse than she already was?  That’s not something I want to pry about, though.”

“Oh, that’s absolutely what happened,” Lapis said.  “I don’t think it counts as telling you her secrets to confirm something you’ve guessed.  But then how is she going to be happy if we drag her into a situation like that again?”

“It’s not the same, though.  Number one, back then she only loved Rose.  And she _still_ loves Rose, present tense.  But she loves me too.  And you, but you just need confirmation on that, I know.  So she’s in a really different place now.  Number two, instead of her old position, she’s kind of in Rose’s old position.  She’s the person who loves more than one, instead of one of the more than ones, right?  I think that changes things enough that she could feel differently about it.”

“Maybe,” Lapis said doubtfully.  “I don’t understand your part of it, though.”

“When Pearl and I got together she explained about Rose, how she’s still a part of her, how she’s never going to stop loving her.  So I got involved already knowing I was sharing her, and I decided I could handle it.  It’s actually been good.  I can kind of make the adjustment to add you.”

“It seems like an awfully big adjustment.  It’s got to be easier sharing with someone who’s, well, dead and gone.”

“Some ways yes, some ways no.  Rose gets to be perfect in Pearl’s heart now, and she’s never going to change.”

“Talk about a tough act to follow.”

“And I’m saying that with a huge crush on her myself.”

“I gathered from the way you talked about her on the trip here.  I was too miserable and angry and scared to think anything about it that wasn’t savagely mean, but the cleaned up version is ‘oh, she’s got it bad’.”

“According to Peridot, embarrassment to the point of nausea at your past behaviour is a sign of personal growth.  I think I grew a bit since then.”

“You’re blushing so hard your face is nearly one colour again.”

“Can we please talk about Pearl again?”

“It would be _so_ much fun to really tease you about it, so I think it’s pretty magnanimous of me to stop.  I’ve stopped.  There.”  She patted Jasper’s hand before taking hold of it more comfortably.

“You done?”

“All done, promise.”  

“So I’m not saying I’ll never feel jealous or get all insecure and weird and snitty, I’m not immune.  I just think there’s a fighting chance it could be okay.  Even if it’s pretty bumpy I think it’s got to be better than trying to work around each other like we do, and this is the thing I can’t stress enough, we’re not going to know if Pearl can handle this if we never ask her to try it.”

“Right.”  Lapis still looked sceptical.  “Or if we can.”

“Right.  You know the other thing that’s different here?  As far as I know, Pearl never really had any relationship with any of Rose’s other partners.  She didn’t want to.  She’s got a kind of relationship with Greg these days but that’s because of Steven, I don’t think she’ll ever really be comfortable with Greg himself, even when she’s not convincing herself he’s seducing me with mix tapes.  But you and me, we’re not a Pearl and a Greg, or a Pearl and whoever else, like this.”  She tried to mark it out in the sand between them, although it was too dry and soft to take fingermarks clearly.  Three dots in a triangle, but only two lines connecting them like a V.  “We’ve got our own mess.”

“This is our mess,” Lapis said, dibbling in a dotted line with pokes of her forefinger across the opening of the V.

“Right.  And I’m not saying that’s better, because hey, it’s a mess, but it’s a different situation.  That’s all.”

Lapis began to laugh, a small bubbling laugh in the back of her throat.  “Do you ever just get hit in the middle by how weird your life is now?  I’m sitting on a beach on Earth holding hands with a Jasper and talking about how the two of us could maybe have some kind of three-way love-affair with a Pearl.  I’m looking at spending the rest of my life on this rotten world so I can take care of a little boy who’s a human-Gem fusion, and by the way, the child of the Gem who destroyed the colony I used to live in, although not before I got myself sealed up in a mirror to be totally miserably alone for thousands of years by making a bad joke.”

“What even was the joke?  Or is it like asking me about my stripe stories?”

“It’s very like that.  Let’s leave it in the past.”  The laughter had passed but now her eyes were leaking tears.  She dropped Jasper’s hand so that she could wipe her face, her hands leaving smears of wet sand across her cheeks.

“I _do_ get hit by how weird my life is now.  My best friend’s a Peridot, how’s that?”

“Peridot’s your best friend too?  That’s bordering on ridiculous.”

“I know, the sharing’s just getting excessive.  I’m putting my foot down.  You can’t be friends with Nanefua Pizza.  I mean, be nice to her ‘cause she’s _my_ friend and if you mess with her I’ll stuff you in a dumpster, but yeah.  No friendsies.”

“I freely agree not to be friends with someone I’ve never met in my life,” Lapis said, managing to smirk a bit through the tears.  

“The tiny little old lady from the pizza shop!  You know, she looks like a walnut with hair.  She’s great.  I owe her big time because she tipped me off I was being too flirty with Sadie and she was getting the wrong idea ‘cause she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.”

“So… what… you sat Sadie down and told her not to get her hopes up because you have a girlfriend?  Bet she loved that, whoever she is.”

“No, I just started talking about Pearl more.  Nanefua said to give her the clues, let her work it out and keep some dignity.  I think she was a little bummed but she can’t have been that serious about it.  She perked up again pretty quick.”

“Is Sadie the short stocky blonde one who visits you at work?  Who I will never covertly observe visiting you at work again, obviously.”

“That’s her.  Sadie’s great, she’s so cute.”

“I don’t know what she’s _thinking._  Her?  You?”

“I don’t think I like where you’re going with that.”

“It just seems _dangerous._ Physically.  Besides the fact that yes, I’m glad Steven exists, otherwise I find the idea of humans and Gems together… just completely without appeal.”

“Me too, but I don’t want to be mean about it.”

“All right.”  Getting sidetracked had clearly helped Lapis to calm down.  She gave Jasper a small smile and, to her great surprise, leaned over to rest her head against her arm.  “I promise not to be friends with Nanefua _or_ Sadie.  I’m not really thinking in terms of befriending humans anyway.  It’s hard enough making friends with other Gems these days.  I used to be so sociable, too.  And I was so lonely in the mirror!  It’s a pretty clumsy piece of irony.”

“You’re doing a good job with me.  I mean, unless this is secretly awful for you.”

“It’s not awful.  It’s an effort.”  Lapis was silent for a moment, and Jasper could feel her growing tense.  “I don’t know,” she said in a small voice, “what’s me doing things to make you like me, just _working_ you, and what’s me really talking to you.  I don’t know if I’m touching you because I just want to or because you’re so tactile and I know it’s the fastest shortcut to create a sense of intimacy with you.  I don’t know if I’ll ever even like you properly, the way you deserve.  Maybe hating you was the only honest emotion I could feel.”

“I really, really hope not,” Jasper said, feeling helplessly lost.  “I really hope this is just you psyching yourself out some more.  Would you even _bother_ if you didn’t like me at least a bit?”

“That actually gives me a little bit of hope,” Lapis said, slowly nodding, her hair brushing Jasper’s arm.  “I’m pretty pragmatic.  I can’t think of anything else I gain by hanging around you.  Well, everyone loves you so being on good terms with you makes me more secure, but I could get on reasonably good terms with you without - well, this.”  She nudged her head against Jasper.  “So I think deep down there must be some vestige of sincerity.”

“Good.”  She was still trying to process that bit about touching her being a shortcut.  It probably actually was, or why was she already feeling so comfortable with Lapis?  It was sort of nice to think that there _was_ a shortcut through or around all that tension (convenient!), but it was also sort of uncanny to have someone calmly point out that _you_ had shortcuts they could use to change your feelings, or at least nudge them in the direction they wanted.  It seemed as if once you knew that was happening it should stop working, but feeling Lapis hesitantly snuggling against her arm was still making her want to put that arm round her.  She felt an unexpected touch above her knee, but that was just a dog; Arya had decided her head needed scratching and had thoughtfully plunked it onto Jasper’s leg for easy access.  She obliged.  You didn’t need to worry that a dog was messing with your mind or your heart.

“Could we try…” Lapis began and trailed off.

“Hmm?”

“When you hugged me before, it was nice but I think we could do better.  Could we try it again?”

“Okay.  You still want to reverse in?”

“It’s easier.  I’d feel strange facing you.”  This time was different in several ways, though.  For one thing, she wasn’t soggy and cold and an angular little bundle of shoulders and elbows.  She clambered over Jasper’s leg and sat down, leaning back against her belly.  “Is this all right?” she asked, tipping her head back to look up.

“It’s fine.”  She cautiously folded her arms around Lapis, taking care not to squeeze her, just to hold her steady.  “The only thing is, I’ll have to take the dogs home soon, but we can stay for a little while more.”

“Good.”  Lapis sat still, looking out at the water.  She didn’t feel calm or relaxed to Jasper, exactly, but she didn’t feel tense with the kind of jagged touch-me-don’t-touch-me energy she’d had that night.  She had been quiet long enough that Jasper was starting to wonder what was on her mind when she spoke again.  “Suppose I were to talk to Pearl tonight.  Would you come with me?”

“Of course I would, if you wanted me there.  And Pearl said it was okay.”

“What would you do for me in exchange?”

“I’m already going with you, and you’re not doing this for _me,_ it’s for you and Pearl first.”

“All right, I was just fishing.  I was curious about what you might consider as a favour or a treat.”

“I don’t know if I know you enough yet to be sure what you’d like,” Jasper admitted.

“Something that no one else has had yet; something new.  It doesn’t have to stay secret or exclusive, just to be that way in the beginning.”

“Sorry, I’ve got nothing like that at the moment.”

“Well, you know for the future, if you ever need that information.”

“You could do _me_ a favour.”

“Such as?”

“I told Pearl I’d learn to sing a song for her.  I don’t know if I can, though, I’m really nervous about how it’ll sound and whether she’ll really like it or just be kind about it.”

“What’s the song?  Did you write it?”

“No, I wouldn’t know how to do that.  It’s just a song off Greg’s mix tape that I really liked.  It doesn’t match up to my situation with Pearl or anything, but it’s pretty and I hear it in my head a lot.  Would you listen and tell me - I guess whether you think it still needs a _lot_ of work, or a medium amount of work, or it’s close to ready?”

“Hmm.  Yes, I think I could be a sounding board.  Do you want me to turn around for this?”

“No, it’ll be way easier if I’m not looking at your face.  You’re onto something with that.”

“Okay.  Give it a try.”  Lapis folded her hands around her knees, as if that were the proper posture for listening to a song.

She made it through the first verse of “Is This Love?” without going flat, but heading into the chorus she suddenly realised she was going to have to sing, “I want our lips to kiss and our limbs to entwine,” and lost her voice in embarrassment.

“What’s the matter?” Lapis asked.  “I was enjoying it so far.”

“Sorry, I just - I don’t think it’s the right song.  I can’t get through it.”

“Because it’s me, or would it be just as hard with Pearl?”

“Easier with Pearl,” Jasper admitted.  “Sorry.  It’s hard when I can’t rehearse on _her_ because I want to give her the song when it’s _done,_ and not show her all the mess getting there, but there’s things in the song I’d feel stupid saying to anyone else.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t like your situation.”

“It’s not exactly, but there are points.”

“Could you try again just focusing on the thought of Pearl?  Ignore me if you need to.”

“Okay.  I’ll try, but if I screw it all up you’ll know why.  I’m so nervous I can’t see straight.”  She started again at the beginning, and sang the chorus too fast, and made a horribly awkward croaking sound when she breathed in for the start of the second verse, but things began to smooth out after that, and she even liked how she sounded on the last few lines.  The dogs looked like they’d appreciated it.  Lapis was still and quiet.  “That was it.  What did you think?”

“Well, you’re singing too much from your head.  You sound a little strained.  You need to bring the sound up from down low in your chest.  I know you can do that.  I could hear how nervous you were, but also that you got more comfortable as you went on, so that’s good.  If you keep practising I don’t see any reason why Pearl wouldn’t love it.”

“I’m not a very good singer, am I.”

“You’re… not _yet_ a very good singer, but it’s a skill, not just a talent.  You’re going to get better if you keep doing it.  I think you’re going to have a _pleasant_ singing voice, one people who love you will enjoy hearing, even if it’s not spectacular.  Besides, if it’s _you_ singing to her about _love,_ Pearl’s going to overlook any number of technical flaws because she’ll be over the moon.  Of course you should still work hard so you can feel proud of it, but that’s your advantage.”

“Okay.  That’s useful.”  Of course she’d secretly hoped to be told she had a wonderful unpolished talent, but you couldn’t have everything.

“I was wondering.”

“What?”

Lapis was still facing away from her, so Jasper had no idea what her expression was like, and her voice sounded carefully neutral.  “Do you really have dreams like the ones in the song?  Picturing yourself and people who are important to you?”

“Yeah, all the time.”  

“As well as nightmares about you and me.”

“Yeah.”

“I want to dream but I haven’t been able to yet.  I tried sleeping with Peridot, but nothing happened.”

“Euphemism sleeping with, or -”

“Oh no, I’m not about to use a human euphemism for something like that.  Literally just sleeping, together on her big beanbag.”

“Just once, or more?”

“So far only once.  I can’t see what you see in it.  I just came out of it feeling all rumpled and bleary and unpleasantly warm.”  Lapis gave a little shudder of distaste.

“Maybe try again?  I don’t dream every time.”

“You said to me that you don’t know why you sleep and dream so much.”

“That’s right.”

“Do you remember when Steven found us, while we were still under the sea?  He was dreaming then.  I can’t help wondering if that has something to do with it…  if he _got dream on us,_ or something.”

“Why would it affect me more than you, though?  I only saw him a little bit, but you two had a whole big talk.”

“Maybe you’re just more naturally receptive.  You seem that way generally.”

“I always felt like it had something to do with the cave… or Lion, or Rose, or maybe a leftover bit of Rose reaching out to me through Lion.”

“It may just be something to do with this planet.  I know it changes us.”  Lapis shivered slightly.  “It’s almost like it has… not intelligence, exactly, but some kind of big, deep, unseen _will._  It’s always made me nervous.”

“I know a little bit what you mean,” Jasper admitted.  “It just doesn’t feel bad to me.”

“Anyway,” Lapis said briskly, “I’ll give sleep another try and see if any dreams eventuate.”

“You just made me remember something, though.”

“Hmm?” Lapis looked up at her, struck by the change in her tone.

“One of the first dreams I ever had when I was first here, locked up.  I saw Rose Quartz.  I didn’t understand what was happening but I was just trying to figure things out a little at a time.”

“Doggedly, as you do,” Lapis said, nodding.

“I was asking her why she did what she did.  I was really grasping at straws and I asked if it was because she fell in love with Greg.  She pointed out that Greg couldn’t be anything like that old and teased me a little about being a romantic dummy but then she said that she _did_ fall in love.  She kind of waved around at the world in general and said, ‘I fell in love with her.’  Like, the Earth.”

“Do you really think Rose Quartz gave you a message in your dream?”

“I just don’t know.  I was really sure for a long time that she couldn’t have, because I never really knew her and believe me, I picked over _everything_ I could remember her saying and none of it was stuff I didn’t know or couldn’t have worked out.  There was even something I figured out later was a mistake - we talked about monsters and she called a kraken a Sarlacc.  I didn’t know the word _kraken_ yet but I’d just seen _Return of the Jedi_ and that’s where the Sarlacc’s from.”

“That is just you all over,” Lapis said wryly.

“I know, so that made me sure she was just… my mind talking to me, telling myself what I already knew.  But she was Steven’s mother, and his powers come from her, and what if she could get into people’s dreams too?  What if she still _can_ because she still _exists_ in a way?  That’s equal parts amazing and really spooky.”

Lapis was quiet for a while.  She seemed to be thinking, and she raised one hand to rest on Jasper’s wrist.  “I don’t think you should say anything about that to Pearl unless you can find out a lot more and get it really clear,” she said eventually.  “She still misses Rose so much, to suggest it’s even possible that Rose still exists as a spirit or something would be… it would be irresponsible.  For one thing, it would break her heart to think that Rose _could_ have come and talked to her in dreams but _didn’t._ And instead talked to _you -_ and of course Pearl loves you but you’re right, you didn’t know Rose Quartz, you didn’t dedicate your whole life to her and _earn_ being special to her.  That would probably drive a wedge between you.  And then I don’t want to get her hopes up that she might be able to reach Rose again if there’s nothing in it.  It could easily just be your imagination or intuition.  Please don’t say anything.”

“No, I won’t.  But I wanted to tell someone because it’s such a weird thought, and…”

“I’m a weird thoughts kind of gal,” Lapis said.  Her fingers were chilly again, tracing around Jasper’s wrist.  

“So we’ve each got something we agree not to tell Pearl, because we’re agreed it couldn’t do her any good. _But_ you’re still willing to talk to her tonight?”

“I _did_ realise you’d hold me to it,” Lapis said.  “It’s why I mentioned it in the first place.  You can be a failsafe for my nerve.  I’m trying to think practically.  Suppose I speak to her privately and say you and I would like to talk with her together.  Then we need somewhere to talk, somewhere private where we won’t be interrupted and we can all feel fairly comfortable.  I’d like to say neutral ground, but we’d need to find another planet.”

“So the idea I just had of going to Rose’s room would really stink?”

“I think of it more as Chalcedony’s room - but it _is_ her room, she can’t really go anywhere else and I don’t want to discuss our personal messes in front of her.”

“Too bad, Pearl would like that.”

“Really?”

“First place she kissed me.  Good memory.”

“Seriously?  Under Rose’s nose?  Conceptually, I mean.”

“No, under _my_ nose, on the mouth,”  Jasper said, smiling.

“And in front of poor innocent Chalcedony!”

“She didn’t care, she was a ball at the time.”

“I’m still surprised at _Pearl,”_  Lapis said.

“She said she felt like Rose was encouraging her.  I was happy for her to feel that way, believe me!”

“I wouldn’t like that,” Lapis said, shaking her head.  “My life is none of Rose Quartz’s business.”

“Okay.  Well, if the weather’s okay we could go out on the beach again.”

“Really?”  Lapis tipped her head back again, peering backward at Jasper.  “That’s not a comfortable place for _you.”_

“I don’t know any comfortable place for all three of us, and if it helps you that’s the main thing.  If we could stay up on the dry sand that’d be nice.”

“It’s starting to sound like a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know whether anyone will even be bothered by this, but people who don't read the off-to-one-side smut chapters may wonder _when_ Pearl and Jasper discussed her stripes. And that was when. But I don't think you're missing any information you need to understand their conversation in _this_ chapter. It's always tricky because I wouldn't be interested in writing a chapter in which characters have sex but _don't_ have a conversation about anything important to them; on the other hand I don't want to create continuity problems for myself or for the reader by having conversations that establish important points in their relationship take place behind the curtain in the adult video section. OH WELL.
> 
> It should also be noted that Jasper is making allowances for some of Lapis' behaviour that I wouldn't recommend making in real life, but that people sometimes DO when they have a very limited pool of people they actually know who get them and their particular deal, and when they very much WANT those people to be people they can trust, because who else is there?


	32. Chapter 32

“There is sure to be a perfectly innocent explanation.”

Saying it aloud didn’t make it sound any more plausible.  Pearl pressed the heels of her hands to her closed eyes, sitting huddled in the farthest corner of her room where the soft rushing sounds of water drowned out any other noise.  She was angry with herself as much as with Jasper and Lapis.  If she hadn’t decided that it would be nice to go and surprise Jasper while she walked the dogs, if she hadn’t decided that after spending over half the day with her already and having the loveliest time she just _had_ to go and try to get a bit more of her time, if she had _ever_ been able to be satisfied or _leave well enough alone_ then at least she wouldn’t have had to know about this for a while more.

And exactly what sort of innocent explanation could there be for Jasper holding Lapis in her arms and softly singing to her?

And it was overwhelmingly, astonishingly horrible to be hit from both sides by simultaneous blasts of agonising jealousy and rejection.  Jasper was stealing Lapis from her and Lapis was stealing Jasper from her and she had only _ever_ been a stopgap for either of them until the inevitable.  How had she _ever_ thought that such wonderful people would prefer her to anyone else?  That she could be anyone’s first choice?  They would go on and be rapturously happy and she would just be left over, not needed, not wanted, not _chosen_ by anyone.

With all those miserable feelings pummelling her, she could still _think_ enough to have reasonable objections.  Jasper _loved_ her and showed it all the time; she had that whole first chunk of the day as the latest evidence.  Lapis loved her, in a more subdued and complicated way.  There were _so_ many problems between the two of them that should stand in the way of any sort of _canoodling._ There surely hadn’t been _time_ for any such thing to develop.  Yet there was cuddling and there was singing, and for goodness’ sake, she might have only gone to the beach with Jasper and the dogs once but once _did_ count as precedent, that was _her_ thing.   _Multiple_ betrayals.

She wiped her hands down over her face, drawing in a deep, shaky breath.  What could she possibly say when she saw them again?  The trouble was that she had seen something she wasn’t supposed to see, so she _couldn’t_ bring it up without being in the wrong, even if they almost certainly shouldn’t have been doing that in the first place.  If she had had the slightest bit of sense or composure she would have walked straight on down the path to the beach and sung out “Hello!” and let _them_ explain themselves.  Just the way they reacted to her appearance would have told her all she needed to know - furtive and guilty, blurting out excuses before they were asked for, or simply surprised to see her?  Instead of that she had felt as if her whole body was caving in on itself and had had to scurry away before it actually did.

What if it would have been fine?  What if Jasper would have held out her hand and given her that sunbeam smile and told her she had enough lap for two?  What if she’d nestled in beside Lapis and she’d put her arm round her and given her own small, sweet smile?  The moment when that would have been possible was gone; she had let it go and there was no calling it back.

She thought she should try to act as if there was nothing wrong and see what they would do, but then that seemed too much like lying in wait to catch them out, setting a trap.  Besides any ethical problems with it, there was the practical objection that she was just terrible at hiding any strong emotion.

She ought, she knew, to talk it over with Amethyst or Garnet.  She didn’t want to bother Garnet, especially didn’t want to show her the raw ugly mess of her feelings.  Garnet _knew_ , of course, but she had the decency or at least the reticence not to allude to it unless it was really necessary.  Amethyst was so much easier, being messy herself, and yet she couldn’t drag herself to her feet to go and find her and inflict her troubles on her yet again.

Why should either of them choose her, anyway?  They were real Gems, real _people,_ and she was just a Pearl.

That worst thought had just occurred to her and she was crushing it down to its usual place in her core when she heard Lapis calling her name.  She sounded happy (of course she was happy, she was in love at last) but perhaps a little nervous (of course she was nervous, she had to tell Pearl she was leaving her and must be afraid she’d make an embarrassing scene - _there was no conclusive evidence of any of that and it was a nasty, paranoid thing to think)._

Pearl wiped her face again, told herself that at the very least she could _behave like_ a mature and rational being, and went up to meet her.

 

Pearl looked awful.  Her pretty face was all pinched and tight and her eyes looked raw and weepy and she was doing that strange posture thing where somehow her misery made every angle and projection of her body look rickety and knobbly and poorly joined together.  Lapis hurried over to her, feeling a pang that might even be her conscience.  Jasper had told her before they’d said goodbye to go be extra nice to Pearl because she thought Lapis was upset with her, freezing her out for some reason.  She’d said it in a friendly sort of way but she hadn’t been joking, and Lapis knew what she meant.  You couldn’t leave Pearl to her own devices; if there was _anything_ she could worry about she would fret herself into a decline.  She’d used that enough, in ways she definitely wasn’t proud of, periodically withdrawing her affection to punish Pearl for some imaginary slight and letting her get into a tizzy before relenting, softening and ensuring that her desperate gratitude tied them closer together.  It was a bit ridiculous to have done almost the same thing again by accident.  

“Oh Pearl, what’s the matter?  You look so upset.”

“It’s nothing,” Pearl said, with an attempt at a brave little smile.  “It’s silly, let’s not - never mind.”

“Are you sure?  Is there something I can do?”  She was already jumping at the hope that she could back out of the Big Talk, at least postpone it, because bringing up such a topic when Pearl was already upset about something surely wasn’t a good idea.  On the other hand, that would mean dealing with an annoyed and disappointed Jasper, and that was actually bothering her for reasons beyond the implied ass-kicking.  She put her hands to Pearl’s shoulders, lightly, because the least she could do was offer her some kindness through touch.  Pearl needed touch all over, all the time just to soothe her down; no wonder Jasper was good for her, all warm hands and big arms.

“It always helps just to see you,” Pearl said.  She hesitated oddly for a moment, but then stepped in and wound her arms around Lapis’ waist and dropped her head on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Lapis whispered.

“What on earth for?” 

“I’ve been so wrapped up in my thoughts I’ve been ignoring you without any explanation.”  She reached up to stroke Pearl’s hair.  “If I’m going to ignore you, I should at least tell you before I start.”

Pearl made a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh, more of an audible half-smile.

“But I think some good’s come of all the thinking - and all the talking, because Jasper and I have had a couple of _long_ talks.  We’re a long way from working everything out, but we’ve worked _something_ out and - only if you feel up to it - we wondered if we could talk about it with _you_ tonight.”  She felt Pearl stiffen up and hastily added, “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”  She fervently hoped Pearl wouldn’t think it was bad, anyway.  “If it works out, I think we could all be a lot happier.  I so want you to be happy.  I can’t tell you all about it yet, it’s about the three of us so we thought we should all be together - and I realise I’m saying this when Jasper and I have talked about it separately, but we had some things that were really just between us to hash out first.  She’s so much better than I thought, Pearl.  Either she’s really changed or at least the finer parts of her show more now.  So much of what I was afraid of, and what I was hating, I had built up in my own mind.  I mean, she’s still absolutely too large and loud and bright and she has horrible taste, except of course about you.  But she’s not the enemy I imagined.”

Pearl’s arms tightened around her waist.  “I’m glad,” she said softly.

“Do you want to talk about it tonight?  It doesn’t have to be tonight.”

“I think we should, don’t you?”  She lifted her head and gave Lapis another little smile, this one more wan and watery.

“Pearl…”  She put her hands to Pearl’s cheeks, feeling the tackiness of dried tears there.  “Please tell me if there’s anything else you need, anything I can do that would make you feel better.  You don’t have to tell me what’s made you sad if you don’t want to, but it would be a waste to have someone who wants to help and not use her, don’t you think?”

“Do we have time for a dance first?”

Good, that was easy.  “Of course we do.”

 

Waiting on a chilly, windy beach while it got dark was both nerve-racking and incredibly boring.  Jasper had had a project to start with, because she’d decided a small driftwood fire would be a nice idea for warmth and light, but she’d been so efficient at building it that it hadn’t eaten up much time. It was burning merrily in the little pit she’d scooped in the sand, while the salty wood hissed and popped, so there was nothing much to do but occasionally feed it new sticks.

She thought she should shut up and let Lapis do the talking, but then she thought if she was too quiet it would make Pearl nervous.  She wanted to hold Pearl in her arms the whole time to make sure she was all right, but that would look like she was telling Lapis “MINE,”  hardly offering to share.  She kept bouncing between feeling that they’d finally found the way to do things and everything had gone so well so far that surely they were on the right track, and being pretty damn sure that everything with Lapis so far was too good to be true and _something_ was bound to blindside them and make things weird and awful.

How long would it take Lapis to get Pearl out here?  Was she losing her nerve, bailing out?  Maybe she’d got sidetracked by something completely unrelated; maybe she was deep in conversation with Steven or being infobombed by Peridot or Chalcedony was reforming right now (and was probably really cool-looking) and Jasper was missing it sitting out here in the dark like a chump.  

The fire made her a little night-blind, and she didn’t see them coming along the beach hand in hand until they were close enough for her to hear their footsteps.  Anyone else would thump and scuff, but Lapis and Pearl’s feet just patted the sand.  She looked up eagerly as they reached the fading edge of the firelight.  Pearl looked… a little tired, not quite 100%, definitely not as contented and relaxed as she’d left her.  Had Lapis already told her and only upset her?  That didn’t seem to fit, though; she would be much more upset than that and anyway Lapis still looked hopeful, if nervous.  Something else must have got to her - maybe she’d bickered with Amethyst?  They still got on each other’s nerves sometimes.  Anyway, she walked right into Jasper’s arms and kissed her cheek so nothing could be too bad.

“Hello, sweetheart,” Pearl said.  “You’re both being very mysterious, I must say.  The flickering firelight is a nice touch, but you could do with some black hooded cloaks if you _really_ want to look like conspirators.”

“I wish I’d brought something to burn,” Lapis said, sitting down in a neat little pool of blue skirt.

“We can depend on you to extinguish it completely before we go,” Pearl said, turning and perching on Jasper’s knee.  “I don’t want a repeat of the summer Amethyst discovered matches.  Well, then, you didn’t bring me out here for a tea party, unless the tea-set is _very_ cunningly hidden.  This should be the part where somebody says, ‘You’re probably wondering why I called you all here today.’”  She sounded a little bit brittle in her brightness, a touch too arch.

“Well,” Lapis said, knitting her fingers together in her lap, “I suppose I should take that.  I - I don’t know where to start.  There’s something we need to clear up. For such a long time things have been complicated and uncomfortable because Jasper and I both loved you but couldn’t stand each other.  We’ve tried to have a truce so you wouldn’t be hurt but we did that behind your back and I don’t honestly think it helped that much.  The only way to really make things right is if the three of us all know what’s going on.”

“I see,” Pearl said, apprehensively.  

“I have so many muddled thoughts about all of this, and I’ve been stewing over it so long, that I really have to stop and think what I can tell you that will make sense if you’re not me,” Lapis admitted.  She paused, nibbling at her lower lip.  “Well, the big, important things should come first.  You know one, that Jasper and I are sort of getting comfortable together.  That’s a lot better than a truce where neither of us actually trusted the other.  And we might actually be able to spend time together, the _three_ of us, and not have it be tense and horrible!  Imagine that.  And I wouldn’t have to be feeling weirdly jealous of both of you at the same time.  The other big, important thing that I need to tell you is also something that you already know, or sort of know, but you may not know all of it.”  

She hesitated again, twining her dovetailed fingers around.  “Pearl, I don’t think you can know how precious to me you are.  I can’t believe the second chance we’ve had, or how ridiculous and beautiful it is that my enemy, a rebel, someone I should never have been at peace with has become my dearest friend.”

Jasper took a quick look at Pearl’s face.  She had her hand on her chest, her lips were pulled in between her teeth until they were invisible and her eyes were like bubbles of tears.  She put her hand on her back, just to steady her if she needed it, and felt a subtle tremor running through her.

“I love you,” Lapis said to her hands.  “I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve learned to love you and I really don’t deserve you but I don’t think you care.  Oh!  I mean you don’t care whether I deserve you.  I know you care about _me,_ there’s no doubt about that.”

Pearl slipped down from Jasper’s knee to her own knees and put her arms around Lapis.  “I know you _love_ me, you silly goose.”  There was a quiver of relief in her voice that made Jasper wonder, though.

“Well, yes.  I’ve said.”  Lapis pressed her forehead against Pearl’s, rocking her head slightly from side to side.  “But… oh, this might be a stupid, unnecessary thing to say.  Maybe you know?  But I worry that you don’t, I worry that I haven’t really been clear.”  She looked up briefly, caught Jasper’s eye and looked as if she almost broke and laughed.  “Jasper is getting so worried that I’m not going to be able to spit it out, I can see her sweating.  Okay.  I love you.  I mean I - I romantic love you.  Oh, that sounded terrible.”

Pearl drew back and looked into her eyes, or tried to; they kept darting away.  

“Lapis,” Pearl said, her voice very quiet and low, “oh, my Lapis.”

“And if you don’t love me in the same way I’ll understand, but, but…”

“I…” Pearl glanced back over her shoulder at Lapis, wide-eyed and almost guilty.

“I knew she was going to say that, remember,” Jasper said.  “Not surprised, not upset.”

“Are you… letting go of me?”

“Not if I can help it.”

Pearl blinked, her mouth half open, irresolute.  “Are you asking me to choose one of you?”

“Not if you don’t want to.  Really kind of hoping you don’t.”

“Then I don’t understand.”

“Well, I already share your heart with Rose, and I’m saying that if you’d be happy that way, _I’d_ be happy to share with Lapis as well.  I really think that could work.  I mean, I know you love her too.  That’s okay.”

“I - I’ve _never_ been unfaithful to you, Jasper, I promise, I couldn’t bear to hurt you like that.”

“I know.  I’m not saying that at all.”  She was getting a bit concerned at the way Pearl seemed to keep hearing something different from what she was trying to say.  She wasn’t putting it that badly, was she?

Pearl looked as if she was swallowing something painful.  “Are - you two in love?” she asked, pointing from Lapis to Jasper as if there could be anyone else she meant.

“We’re just working on being friends.  Maybe something like friends with a mutual girlfriend?  But only if you feel right about it.  And you don’t have to choose either of us or lose anyone or anything like that.  It’s not like an ultimatum, we just want you to know so you understand what’s going on.  Right, Lapis?”  

“Exactly,” Lapis said.  “You don’t have to decide about anything right now either.  You can take as long as you want to think about it.”

“You don’t have to do it this way,” Pearl said, folding her arms, beginning to hunch over.  “It won’t make things any easier on me in the end.”

“What are you _talking_ about?” Jasper asked, baffled.

“Pearl?”  Lapis said, ducking her head, trying to catch Pearl’s downcast eyes.  “This is _not_ an exit strategy.  I don’t like Jasper _that_ much.  Even supposing I did want to weasel out on you, wouldn’t this be a really strange way to do it?”

“I don’t even get what we’re supposed to be doing,” Jasper admitted, scooting around so that she could see Pearl’s face.  

“At first we would be all together,” Pearl said, her voice small and miserable, “and then in a while it would be just you two, not me any more at all.”

“What?  No!  Forget it, call it all off, that’s not what we’re going for at all!”

“Think about it, Pearl,” Lapis coaxed.  “If we wanted to be together without you, we could just _do_ that.”

That seemed to be exactly the wrong thing to say, because Pearl buried her face in her hands and started to cry.

“No no no, we’re _not_ doing this, abort, reverse, whatever.”  Jasper gathered Pearl into her lap and hugged her tight, cupping her hand behind her head.  “This was a horrible idea, forget about it.  I’m so sorry, so sorry, I never wanted to upset you, I love you so much.”  She looked up and saw that now Lapis was both hurt and pissed.  She’d just have to deal with that later, the first thing was to try to make Pearl feel better.  Pearl was pushing against her, though, so she had to ease off.  She was saying something muffled and weepy about singing, and then she actually hit her, a pretty weak hit to the chest with the heel of her hand but it was hard enough to startle her a bit.  Her arms loosened.

Lapis had drawn up her knees and was sitting with her elbows on them, her arms crossed and supporting her chin.  She gave Jasper one of her forty-feeling looks, weary and resigned and not unsympathetic, with a certain wry undertone of “This _would_ happen to us,” yet also deeply peeved.

Pearl sniffed back half a gallon of watery snot and managed to say, “I saw you yesterday.  I heard you singing.  So I know.”

“That was a _rehearsal,”_ Lapis said, closing her eyes with a wince.  “You’d know that if you heard the conversation as well as the song.”

“Where were you?” Jasper asked, dismayed.  Pearl sniffed wretchedly and shook her head.

“It’s not even a very good song,” Lapis muttered.  “Nothing like the ones you’ve sung for _me.”_

“Or me,” Jasper said.  “Well, it’s not the song’s fault, I’m just a lousy singer.  Pearl?  Please?  I can sing it for you now, I can - crap, I can’t even remember how it starts.”

“In a fleeting moment of a restless day,” Lapis said, like it bored her.

“Driv - driven to, um -”  She was just too rattled to recall, too distracted - oh.  “Driven to distraction, I was captured by the game. I have often wondered why I ever wanted to…”  Then she was stuck again.

“Leave these scattered hours behind me, and speed myself to you,” Lapis supplied.  Jasper realised she’d never heard her sing before, and her voice was lower than she’d expected.  Abruptly, she moved and crawled into Jasper’s lap, wrapping her arms around Pearl.  “I… choose… never to forget.  I want our lips to kiss and our limbs to entwine, let our bodies be twisted but never our minds - is this love?”

Pearl sniffed again, hard, but she looped her arms around Lapis’ waist and dropped her head on her shoulder.

“And that’s as far as I remember,” Lapis admitted.  “I heard most of the first verse twice because she messed up her first try.  She got too embarrassed to sing the part about kissing to me, because she wanted that to be just for you.  Do you see what she’s like?  It’s a good thing I don’t want to take her away from you, because I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“I’m sorry I panicked,” Pearl said.  It sounded as if the crying had made her throat sore.  “I’m stupid that way.”

“Is this what you were so upset about when I came to find you?”  A small nod.  “And do you really, truly think that we want to ditch you?”  A small shake.

“I didn’t know you felt so bad,” Jasper said.  It put a cold weight of guilt in her belly to think she hadn’t noticed any signs.  “I thought I was really making you happy.”

“You were and you do,” Pearl said.  “When I’m happy I _am_ truly happy.  It’s just there are things that creep up on me, nasty little worries and doubts, and I don’t want to show you that.  I don’t want to give in to them when we _can_ be so happy.  Except sometimes obviously I do and end up showing you all the things I didn’t want to show anyway.  You can see all the things that are wrong with me.”

“Well, I have things wrong with me too,” Lapis said.  “Anyone who’s lived to our age in a place like this is going to have things wrong with her.  You and I get messed up pretty easily.  Part of what I used to hate about Jasper is that she’s… it’s not as if she’s braver or wiser but she bounces back, she heals faster.  It’s so unfair, but it’s not as if she does it on purpose.  She’s just lucky that way.”

“Naturally resilient,” Pearl said, nodding.  “I always hope it will rub off on me.”

“What a mess we are,” Lapis said, rubbing her cheek on top of Pearl’s head.  “I feel like there’s _something_ to say that would make this better for you or at least help us work out what to do next, but I’m coming up empty.”

“I don’t want everything to change.  I know that’s selfish if you’re not happy, though.”

“I didn’t want _everything_ to change,” Jasper said.  She wasn’t quite sure how to physically comfort Pearl at the same time as Lapis, but she really needed to try.  Well, she was providing the lap for them to sit in, or more like the nest of her crossed legs.  There was enough space under Lapis’ arms for her to rest her hand on Pearl’s back, too, and gently, slowly rub up and down.  “I didn’t want to lose any of my time with you or change what we do when we’re together.  All of that is the best thing I’ve ever had.”

“That’s right,” Lapis said.  “Well.  I suppose rather than _changing,_ I wouldn’t mind _adding_ to what we have now.  Not even that much.  Just you knowing how much I love you and me knowing that you know would be a really nice start.”

“It feels like a cheat,” Pearl said, lifting her head and wiping her eyes.  “Just getting _around_ how… oh, I’ve been working so hard to convince myself that the way you feel about me can’t be romantic, or the way I feel about you, because that would mean I was betraying Jasper, but all the time feeling like I betrayed you by falling in love with her.  And I still _did_ all of it because I couldn’t bear being without either of you.  I need you _both_ so much.  For the two of you to come along and give me _permission_ just doesn’t seem fair.  I shouldn’t get away with it like that.”

“Do you need a punishment to feel better about it?” Lapis asked.  “I mean, I could slap you or something but my heart wouldn’t be in it.”

“No one slaps anyone,” Jasper said quickly.  “What are you meant to be getting away with, anyway?  Having weird messy feelings and not knowing what to do about them?”

“I didn’t tell either of you the truth,” Pearl pointed out.  “I was in love with both of you and I didn’t say so.”

“Yeah, but keeping something back because you’re really confused about it is kind of different from lying on purpose, right?  I mean, it’s not _good_ but it’s a lot easier to get over.  For me, anyway.  And Lapis?  Pearl loves you, I told you, so there.”

“How can that not _bother_ you?” Pearl asked forlornly.

“I don’t know, maybe I’m really weird.  If she’s not competition any more, if I know you’re going to keep coming back to me and loving me the same, it just doesn’t seem that awful.”

“I could never feel that way about Rose.”

Lapis exhaled sharply.  “I know you hate it when anyone criticises her, and look!  I’m not saying she didn’t care how you felt as long as she got hers!  I know she loved you.  But I think she was kidding herself everything would be okay because Love.”

“That wasn’t her fault,” Pearl said, “because I didn’t tell her the truth either.  I didn’t want to ruin things by being so small and selfish and jealous.  Please, I don’t want to talk about that.”  She unwrapped her arms from Lapis’ waist and sat back a bit, taking one of Lapis’ hands in hers and one of Jasper’s in her other.  “What was it that you said you wanted?  To try to be friends with a mutual girlfriend?”

“That’s one way of looking at it,” Lapis said.  “I’m not sure how it looks from your side.  I thought really we’d be the ones making most of the changes.  I just want you to keep being, well, my wonderful Pearl who calls me silly sweet names like nereid and writes messages on my back and dances with me in the moonlight.  I hope I can be a little bit more to you than I have been, because I won’t be holding so much back any more.”  She paused and bit her lip.  “But nothing should change unless you want it to.”

“I don’t want to change any of _that,”_ Pearl said, with a small, watered-down smile.  “I just need time to think about how things should be.  Will that be all right?  I’m not sure how long exactly, but I’ll try not to drag it out.  Also not to do the entire thing inside my head where I’m reliably informed things can get overly... intense.  Well.  As we have just seen.  I’m so sorry.”  She sniffed again and gave a little self-deprecating laugh.  “It would help, though, to have a little time by myself just now.”  Carefully, she got to her feet, steadying herself with a hand against Jasper’s shoulder.  “Why don’t you two go home?  I’ll be along in a little while.”

“You’ll be okay?” Jasper asked.  She wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to keep pawing, but she couldn’t quite stop; she looped her hand loosely around the back of Pearl’s waist, wishing the solution to all this was just to keep hugging her.

“I will.”  It helped a bit to have Pearl look at her so fondly, and lean in to kiss her cheek, nudging back a loose wave of hair, murmuring, “Dearest girl,” so that just she could hear it.  It restored a bit of normality, anyway, or made it seem like they could get back to normal even though she and Lapis had gone and shaken everything up.

“Okay, but come find me the second you change your mind, right?”  She kissed Pearl back, feeling her cheek quirk with a little smile as she did.  “Um. So.  This is an awkward question but I want to get it right.  If Lapis and I leave together are you going to feel bad?  Should I wait five minutes or…”

Pearl laughed softly.  “It’s all right, Jasper, I’ll cope.”

Lapis got up and hugged Pearl tightly.  It seemed to always be their pattern that Lapis put her arms around Pearl’s shoulders while Pearl’s went around her waist; they fit together so neatly, so closely matched.   _That’s okay,_ Jasper told herself.   _Lapis can do the matching stuff and I can do the contrasting stuff and there’s like a niche for each of us, I hope._

It was hard to leave her there, sitting by the fire by herself with her head down, looking pensively into the flames.  She didn’t even look up when Jasper turned back just to check whether she might be watching them go and could use one last wave goodbye.

“Oh, come on,” Lapis said, not unkindly.  “I know you want to kiss it all better but she needs time to absorb.”

“I just don’t want her to brood,” Jasper said, turning homeward again and scuffing her feet through the sand.  

“Nor do I.  Let’s check on her in the morning, and try to distract ourselves till then.”

“Who with, though?  I mean, it’s practically Steven’s bedtime already, I run out of things to say to Chalcedony pretty fast, and Peridot told me tonight is ‘CPH and chill’ for her and Amethyst which I’m pretty sure is code for something dorky, pervy or both.”

“Are you scared of Garnet too?”

“What?  No.”

“I just noticed she wasn’t even a consideration for someone to spend time with.”

“Are _you_ scared of her?”

“Fairly terrified,” Lapis admitted.  “I have no idea what she’s thinking, ever, _and_ she’s half Sapphire and a Blue Diamond courtier so I should have things in common with her but she feels completely foreign to me.  You know, I was actually there the first time they fused by accident.  That was terrifying too.  It was just unthinkable.  I do _not_ have good associations with Garnet.”

“She threw me into a warp core once.”

“All right, all right, seeing her do something unprecedentedly weird and creepy in public is relatively lightweight as traumas go.”

“These days I basically think she’s okay but it’s not as if she needs me for anything.  You know?  How do you make friends with someone who’s got all the company she wants by herself?  When she spends time with me she’s nice but it definitely feels like duty-nice, like she thinks it’s _important_ to build a relationship with me.”

“So far I’ve been grateful she’s avoided me as much as I’ve avoided her.”  Lapis turned and walked backwards, looking up at Jasper.  “Am I remotely a consideration for someone to spend time with?”

“Yeah, less remotely than Garnet,” Jasper said with half a smile.

“And not because it’s _important?”_

“It’s a different kind of important.  Important to _me._ With Garnet I mean she thinks it’s important for the _team.”_

“Ah, yes.  I’d _rather_ be ignored.”

“Garnet’s nice, though.  Look how much she loves Steven, and he just adores her.”

“But still, can I have this?  It means more to you if _I_ want to spend time with you than if Garnet does?”

“Yeah, it’s safe to say that.  Turn round or you’re gonna walk into a hole.”

“Whoops.”  Lapis twisted around neatly and hopped lightly over the remains of a sandcastle excavation.  “Thank you, although you could have been more impressive by lunging in and catching me when I tripped and fell.”

“Nah, it’d be creepy to set you up like that.  Anyway, this way I got to see you hop like a little pixie or something.  Is pixie the right one?  Do they hop?”

“Oh, so I’m a nereid _and_ a pixie.  Pearl’s called me a mermaid too.  Does she call you mythical beasts as well?”

“Mostly flowers, sunflower and tiger-lily, though I’ve had the occasional ‘glorious golden beast’.”

“Flowers, yes, I’ve been her bluebell once or twice.”

“That’s kind of weird but kind of nice.”

“I know,” Lapis said thoughtfully.  “I’d be mortified if she used one of _my_ pet-names for you too, as if we were interchangeable, but if we each have our own pet-names from the same kind of pattern, well, it feels like a link between the three of us.  You don’t call _her_ a pixie, I hope.”

“No, she’s my princess or if I’m feeling really mushy she’s sometimes my birdie.”

“That _is_ pretty mushy, but it fits her.  I’m not sure I see her being princess-like, but admittedly my main ideas about princesses come from a cartoon where you can be a hot dog princess or a slime princess.”

“That’s something we could do tonight, right?  Watch a show, not really think about anything else for a while.”

Lapis nibbled at her lip.  “I’d like to, except I haven’t seen all the episodes with Peridot yet.”

“So just ones you’ve watched with her.  Or it doesn’t have to be _Adventure Time._ I understand that, by the way, because I’m watching _Sailor Moon_ with Steven and Connie and I’d feel like a traitor and a fink if I went on ahead without them, but I’m not watching _Xena_ with anyone so that’s free.”

“What do you watch with Pearl?”

“Nothing, she doesn’t like television.  And she _really_ doesn’t like _Xena_ because it’s based on a whole lot of mythology I’ve never heard of but it mashes it up together and has things happen out of order and if it doesn’t like what was in the original story it makes something up.  I mean, she got so _cross_ about there being a character with a modern French version of a Hebrew name in a mythological Greek setting she bit a pillow and that was when I decided it wasn’t worth it and turned off the TV.”

“Oh Pearl,” Lapis said fondly.  “Would I like it, though?”

“I don’t know.  I mean, it’s funny, it’s adventurous, it’s got a really sweet love story even though they had some kind of weird taboo at the time that meant they couldn’t be direct about it.  Huge chunks of it are probably flying right over my head _because_ it’s about human mythology but the important thing is, Xena is a warrior princess and she used to be this terrifying evil warlord but now she’s trying to change her life and be a decent person and start over again all by herself, but then she’s not all by herself because she meets Gabrielle who wants to be a bard and write poems about heroes, and Gabrielle just loves her and believes in her and it’s really important and tricky because Gabrielle never _knew_ the old Xena so she doesn’t really understand who she is, and Xena loves her too and wants to protect her innocence and she can’t ever believe that Gabby could still love her if she _did_ know what she was really like, _and_ this terrible woman Callisto keeps showing up whose life Xena ruined when she was a warlord and so she wants to ruin Xena’s life back and prove that she can never redeem herself and the thing is _Xena knows she deserves it and also she can’t kill Callisto because that would mean Callisto was right about her and then Callisto wins.”_

“That was… a little bit intense,” Lapis said hesitantly.  “I mean, I’m getting the feeling that watching _Xena_ with you would be slightly too much like watching _Camp Pining Hearts_ with Peridot.  You know how she keeps prodding you to make sure you’re noticing what she thinks is important and enjoying it _correctly,_ and when you’re not into it like she is, she gets so crestfallen and you feel all guilty and mean?  I had little finger-poke bruises all up and down my arm!  Actually, she still pokes me when we’re watching _Adventure Time,_ but it’s more tolerable because it’s about something I actually give a damn about.”

“What does she poke you about?”

“Oh, well.  You might be into this because there are princesses.  Princess Bubblegum is a _scientist_ princess and she rules the Candy Kingdom which is full of sweet colourful idiots that she made in her lab, and Marceline is the Vampire Queen who lives in a cave and runs with the wolves and scares people for fun and our theory is that she and Bubblegum were in love, years ago, and they broke up for some reason and Marceline is still really hurt and angry about it and I _think_ Bubblegum believes Marceline should be able to understand, as if it was the only thing she _could_ do, and they still love each other but they’ve been apart for a long time and now they’re just sort of managing to rebuild their friendship, and it drives me absolutely crazy that the show spends so little time on that compared with episodes about exploring dungeons and fighting monsters.  So when there _is_ something about them there’s mutual poking, and we always watch those parts two or three times to appreciate them fully.”  Lapis paused, perhaps to rein in her own enthusiasm.  “I really don’t know whether she’s as excited as I am or being a good sport.”

“If she was just being a good sport you’d know.  I love Peridot, but if she’s doing something for someone else you _always_ know because she’s congratulating herself so hard.”

“Ha.  True.  I find that oddly endearing, though.  You always know where you are with Peridot because she tells you.  Loudly and often.”

“So do you want to do that?  Go watch your show?  It sounds like I’ll probably like it.”

“I… don’t think so.”  Lapis was frowning, talking slowly as if the ideas were just forming as she put them into words.  “I know it sounds harsh to say I’ve had enough of you for one day, but can you imagine a version of ‘had enough of you for one day’ that isn’t a bad thing, and I’ll be ready for more tomorrow, but today was so _much_ that if we try to keep going I’m going to burn out?”

“Does it also sound harsh to say that’s a huge relief and I pretty much just want to go and hide in my bed and sleep for ten hours straight?”

“Well, that’s a Peridot level of bluntness, but I understand.  So good night.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, less talking, more stuff actually happening; I'm getting burned out on the D&Ms.


	33. Chapter 33

Jasper woke to a note on her pillow in Pearl’s beautifully neat, smoothly curving writing.  

_ Dearest Jasper, _

_ You were so patient with me last night.  I hope you can be patient a while longer.  Today I’m going up to the barn to help Peridot with a project.  I think it will be just what I need.  Have a lovely day, my darling. _

_ Your Pearl _

_ P.S. You’re so pretty when you’re sleeping and you look so contented, it would take a heart of stone to wake you.   _

She folded the note and put it away safely in the bottom of her box of hair accessories, looked at the clock and remembered Greg would be expecting her again today.

He had the nerve to be late, which was weird for someone who slept in a van parked beside the office.  She’d been hanging around for a while before it occurred to her to go and lightly kick the van’s back door.  A groan issued from within and a few moments later, Greg issued too, looking like a bleary-eyed bearded caterpillar in an old maroon sleeping bag.  

“Sorry,” he said, yawning.  “I guess I slept in.  What time is it?”

“Like eight?  I don’t know, they don’t make watches in my size.  Are you okay?  You don’t look too well.”

“I’ll be okay.  I just need to replace all my blood with coffee.”  He yawned again, hugely, until his jaw made a clicking noise and he winced.  “You should stop sometime and think how lucky you are to be made out of light and magic and stuff.  I’m right at the age where you really start to feel your body slowing down on ya.  I mean yeah, I know I got fat, but I don’t know where the TMJ came from.”

“Well, I can try, but I don’t know how anything else feels.”

“Good point.  I mean, I know how it feels being young and healthy and just a little pudgy, for comparison.  I swear gravity used to go easier on me.  Man, I’m  _ morose _ today.  Mr Blueniverse.”

“Did something bad happen on your personal day?”

“Not really.”  Greg scratched his beard.  “Yesterday was an anniversary for me and Rose.  I took the day to remember her, go to places she liked, think about times we had together.  Most of it was good but I ended up getting a little maudlin.  Now I have an emotions hangover.”

“Well, that sucks.  I mean, I’m sorry.  Listen, you go and clean yourself up and I’ll get you that coffee and something to eat.”

“Aw, you don’t have to do that.”

“No, but if I were you I’d make the most of it before the mood passes.”

He went on to be kind of sluggish and useless all day, which Jasper secretly appreciated.  It spurred her to keep busy and not dwell on anything else.  She’d wondered if Lapis would decide to visit her at work in a more normal way but so far there was no sign of it.  That was also kind of a relief.  She  _ wanted _ to see Lapis and that was a weird enough experience on its own.  It was a lot easier to let it sink in while she detailed cars and took customers’ money and chivvied Greg along.  It was Saturday and that meant they were busier than usual, and she didn’t have to walk the huskies either.  She saw them going by, towing their owner on his skateboard, and waved to them.  They didn’t wave back unless she counted their wagging tails - and their master was too busy keeping hold of both leashes while balancing to spare a hand.

It seemed like now the feelings of last night had had a little time to settle she knew more clearly what they were.  She still felt horrible when she thought about how upset Pearl had been, but she could see good parts in it too.  Having both of them curled up in her lap, that had been unexpectedly good.  Better still if they were to be there just because they wanted a cuddle.  Hearing Lapis sing.  Her voice, or her delivery or whatever it was, fit that song so much better than Jasper’s own.  She might have to turn it over to her and find herself a different one.

Actually - and the thought briefly stopped her in the middle of vacuuming out the footwell of a filthy hatchback, and she resumed on autopilot until she stopped hearing bits of gravel and grit pinging and plinking their way up the tube - that song should have been Lapis’ to begin with.  She just hadn’t known enough about her then to understand that.  Now she thought she did understand, but who knew what she’d understand about her a few weeks or months down the line?  It might end up being as different from now as now was from then.  By contrast, she  _ felt _ like she understood Pearl, but then she hadn’t anticipated that whole thing with Pearl thinking they were trying to somehow painlessly get rid of her, and Lapis had seen what she was worried about right away, no explanation needed.  “An exit strategy,” she’d called it.  Had she done that kind of thing to someone, weaseled out when she got tired of them, or had it done to her?  What a sad, crappy thought.

She kept wondering how Pearl was getting on, too; what kind of “project” she and Peridot had going, if it was the distraction she needed.  Fortunately, her own distractions kept coming along before she dwelt on that too much.  It was a tiring day but it was satisfying to think of the money stacking up in the cash register, or in Greg’s bank account if they paid with cards.  She liked imagining each cent of money as a puzzle piece going in to form the picture of a new van.  Of course she had no real idea how many pieces the puzzle had or whether they’d even got all the edge pieces together yet, but it was still a pleasing thought.

Things had quietened down and they were cleaning up in readiness for closing time when Steven showed up, riding his bike.  He had Chalcedony, of all things, riding in the front basket with a blanket over her for ineffectual camouflage.

“Ta-daa,” he said to Chalcedony, making jazz hands in the general direction of the car wash.   _ “This _ is where my dad and Jasper work to fund your chip habit.  Check it out!  Hi Dad, hi Jasper.”

“Shtooball, what - or who, I guess - is that?”  Greg asked, pointing to the centipeetle.

“Chalcedony Centipeetle.  I must have told you about her before!”

_ “This _ is Chalcedony?  I was imagining a  _ bug!” _

“She is a bug,” Jasper said, shrugging the shoulder that didn’t have a coiled hose slung over it.  “Currently.”

“A bug the size of a dog.  Well, okay, she’s not even in the top ten weirdest things I’ve seen, but I was picturing more of an Alexander Beetle thing.”

Chalcedony turned her head towards Jasper and clattered her mandibles.

“There, she just said your name!”  Steven said, delighted.

“It didn’t sound like it.”

“No, obviously she can’t  _ pronounce _ ‘Jasper,’ she doesn’t have that kind of mouth.  But Chalcedony’s given us all names, I’ve been figuring it out from listening to her.  Tikka-tik like that means you - and she recognises you from a picture as well as from seeing you in person.  Sss-tik is me, Sss-ch-ch is Lapis, Tik-tikka-sss is Peridot, Ch-ch-tik is Pearl - I mean, she’s got kind of a limited vocabulary to work with but she’s really trying.  You need to come and see her more often - sometimes she  _ looks _ for you and goes ‘tikka-tik?’ like she’s asking where you are.”

“Really?”  She bent down to look Chalcedony in the eye, always assuming that was her eye.  “You’ve been looking for me?”

“Tikka-tik,” went Chalcedony.  “Tikka-tik.”

“See?”  Steven said proudly.  “Anyway, I thought it’d be nice for her to see around town and meet people - but she can cover up if she feels shy or anything.  She’s having fun!”

“Cool.”  Jasper stood back to let Greg offer his hand for Chalcedony to smell, always assuming that Chalcedony could smell things.

“I’m kind of hoping if I show her lots of different places and people she might see something that brings up a memory that helps her to change back.  I think it’s been really good for her to spend some time in my mom’s room, and she should go back when she needs a rest, but she’s strong enough to go other places now.”  Steven combed his fingers through Chalcedony’s mane and scratched her neck.

“Oh look, the gang’s all here,” Greg said.  Jasper looked up and saw Lapis rounding the corner into their street.  There was an odd little performance where Lapis noticed herself being noticed, turned round and walked off stiff-backed with embarrassment, and a moment later reappeared, having clearly decided it was more embarrassing to be seen in retreat but  _ not _ happy about it.  She put down the coiled hose and went over to meet her.

“Hey,” she said, and came within an ace of making it “hey pixie,” so at least they were both equally embarrassed.

“I had an inner debate about whether you were serious about it being all right to visit you at work,” Lapis said, folding her arms and glancing away.  “In the end I decided that just in case you weren’t, I could minimise the awkwardness by showing up when you were just about finished anyway.  I hadn’t really considered witnesses.”

“Steven and Greg aren’t  _ witnesses,  _ they’re just - they’re Steven and Greg, they’re ours.  Heard from Pearl today?”

“She did call.  Apparently whatever they’re working on requires an all-nighter.  She sounded all excited about that, which I have to say was pretty cute.  I did fish for an invitation to go up and see what they’re making, but she says they don’t want to show anyone until they’re sure it’s going to work, so I don’t think we can drop in.”

“Ah.”  Jasper sagged a little, disappointed.

“So yes.  Just me.  Sorry.”

“It’s not that, I just need to know what she’s going to say.  Plus I missed out on the cute excited nerd bird voice.”  She rubbed the back of her neck ruefully.  “Come on and say hi to Chalcedony.  She’s calling people names now.”   

“Didn’t you know that?  I’m Sss-ch-ch.”

“I miss out on stuff being here most days.”

“When do you think you can quit?”

“I don’t know.  At first I thought once Greg could get a new van, but then I started thinking about other stuff that Steven will need, and then the place is busier now and I don’t think he could do all the work by himself if I left.”

“Well, you’re not the only person capable of helping him,” Lapis said, shrugging. “You wouldn’t be abandoning him to some terrible fate, and I know Pearl would be happy to have you around more.”  She walked on to greet Chalcedony, who stood up with her forelegs on the edge of the bike basket and chattered at her.  “Has Steven been taking you on a tour?”

“Sss-ch-ch,” Chalcedony said.  She angled her head towards Greg and said, “Sss-tik-tik.”

“I think I just got named,” Greg said.  “That’s an honour, right?”

“Absolutely,” Steven said.  “You’re a member of an elite club.  The elitest!  Also it’s kind of neat that your name sounds close to mine.  Maybe she understands we’re related.  Chalcedony, I know you’re going to be able to talk to us for real soon.  Oh hey, Lapis!  How come you’re here?”

“I… came to ask Jasper if she’d like to walk home together, that’s all.”

“Oh, okay!”  He accepted that without a second thought and turned back to tell Greg about Chalcedony’s singing, leaving Lapis looking vaguely let down by the lack of reaction.  Jasper gave her a light nudge with the back of her hand and a small smile.  Not such a big deal to  _ him.   _ Lapis still looked a little vexed that her grand gesture was being mistaken for common or garden friendliness, but she glanced back and caught Jasper’s eye and there was a little twitch to her lips, a pre-smile at least.

In the end it was decided that they’d walk home with Steven and Chalcedony, Greg saying that Jasper had earned going home a little early by doing the work of two or more today.  Steven walked his bike in between them, telling the story of where he’d been with Chalcedony that day, up to the lighthouse, along the boardwalk, over to the marina.

“I’m thinking if I can show her as many  _ different _ environments as possible, that ups the chances that one of them will do something.  I want to be careful, I mean I don’t want to take her to a place that just upsets her by mistake,  _ but _ maybe the perfect place is out there, right?”

“I don’t see why not,” Lapis said.  “This may be a silly question, but have you tried, you know, your magic spit?  It healed me, although of course I had a different kind of injury.”

“That… isn’t really working any more.  I’m hoping it’s kind of a  _ Kiki’s Delivery Service  _ thing and I’ll get it back once I get into the right head space.”

“Why would it stop working?”  Jasper asked, frowning.  “Gem powers don’t just stop working unless something’s really wrong.  You’re not cracked, are you?”  She bent and pulled up his teeshirt to check.

“No, no, I’m fine, but remember I don’t just work by Gem rules,” Steven said, tugging his shirt back down.

“Did something happen, though?”  Lapis asked.  “Do you remember something unusual happening not long before you found you couldn’t do it any more?”

Steven pulled a face, a kind of unhappy grin with the corners of his mouth stretched wide and pulled down.  “It’s not his fault, because he didn’t know what would happen.  I tried to heal Dad’s broken leg, and it worked but he told me it didn’t because he wanted to spend more time with me while he was healing up.  And once I thought it didn’t work any more it really  _ didn’t _ work any more, and I’ve never got it back.”

“That is  _ horrible!” _  Lapis exclaimed, wheeling around.  “I’m going to go back there and give him a piece of my mind.”  

“No no no!” Steven cried as she strode away.  “It was just a mistake!  Jasper, hold my bike.”  He pushed it at her and ran around to block Lapis’ path.  “He didn’t know!”

“Oh, so it’s all right to lie to you as long as he doesn’t  _ know _ it’s going to rob you of one of your most precious abilities?”

“Of course it’s not okay, but we already dealt with it, him and me, and it’s between  _ us. _  Understand?  I know it’s because you care about me but it’s not - it’s not your business, Lapis, I’m sorry.  I’m asking you not to.”

Lapis still looked steamed, but she turned back.  “All right, I’ll leave him alone.  But I don’t understand why anyone bothers with fathers.  All they do is - is eat your fries and sabotage your innate powers.  Ugh.”

“He’s actually a really great dad,” Steven said, going to pet Chalcedony and soothe her down.  She had been shaking her mane and saying, “Sss-ch-ch!  Sss-tik!” as if she was remonstrating with them.  “Don’t get this one thing he messed up out of proportion, okay?  Let’s focus on finding a perfect place for Chalcedony instead.  Oh my gosh!  We should use the warp pad, we can get to way more places like that.  Will you guys come with us?”

“Like a mission?”  Jasper asked.  “Sweet.  I never get to go on missions.”

“You’re the one who decided to have a career,” Lapis said, shrugging.  “I’ll go.  If I’m going to criticise this planet all the time I should see more of it, just to make sure all my complaining’s accurate.”

Jasper bent to catch her eye.  “Was that Lapis for ‘that sounds like a fun adventure, I’m excited to be part of it’?”  There was that pre-smile twitch again, and Lapis turned her face away and made a little puffing sound.  “Yeah, one day I’m going to trick you into smiling.”  Lapis turned back and poked her tongue out.  It was indigo.

“Fffffffriendly banter, right?” Steven asked, a trifle uncertain.

“Getting there,” Jasper said.  

“Well, there’s  _ nothing _ like an adventure for team bonding.  Let’s go!”

 

The first destination they tried was the strawberry battlefield, but Chalcedony was so visibly upset as soon as she saw the place that they quickly left, Steven stroking her ruffled mane and apologising.  Next he took them to a jungly island where tall geodes stood in amongst the trees.  Chalcedony didn’t seem to mind it there.  She hopped down from Steven’s arms and scuttled around sniffing things.  Lapis was enchanted by the geodes, too much so to be embarrassed or grumpy about being witnessed by Jasper being enchanted.

“These are  _ ancient,” _ she said, running her fingertips over the jagged purple crystals lining one taller than Jasper.  “You know what they  _ are,  _ right?  They’re Amethyst eggs.  From before mass production, standardisation, before Kindergartens.”

“Amethyst could lay an  _ egg?” _ Steven asked, startled.

“Oh, no, egg is just a metaphor.  I’m fairly sure.  In any case, those ancestral Amethysts are all long gone, extinct.  Only shells like these are left to show us what they were like.  I had no idea Blue Diamond brought such precious antiquities here.  This island must have been like a private garden for her.  Well.  Maybe if I’d stayed in her good books she would have invited me here some time.”  She stroked the rough outer surface of the geode wistfully.

“What was she like?” Steven asked, peering into the glittering cavity.  

“Huge and noble and lovely and remote,” Lapis said.  “She loved beautiful things, elegance, delicacy.  Her court was a paradise of art and culture.  I wish I could show you.  I suppose I could have when I was trapped in the mirror, but you wouldn’t have known what to ask me to show.  Now I’m free and I can  _ tell _ you, but if you can’t see it and hear it yourself you’re never going to know how glorious it was.  All of this is your birthright too, Steven.  You need to understand it, but all that’s left is ruins and shells.  If I could ask your mother one question, it would be why she thought she had to destroy all that beauty.”

Steven was frowning, although his brows were drawn upward in the middle.  “Did you really love Blue Diamond?”

Lapis just nodded.  After a while she added, “But I don’t think she loved me.  I displeased her.”

His look of concern grew.  “Jasper,” he asked, “do you love Yellow Diamond?”

Jasper had been leaning on another geode thinking how funny Amethyst would look sitting on one of these like a little hen, and how pretty Lapis was when her eyes shone the way she had when she saw the geodes, and what a weird but interesting colour indigo was for a tongue to be, and she wasn’t really prepared to be asked a question like that.  “Yes?  I don’t know.  I  _ did _ love her, I loved her all my life.  I know I disappointed her, but I was trying to make up for it and I thought I was getting somewhere.  Then she cut me loose like she did to Peridot.  It was really hard to accept that at first.  If I hadn’t found a bunch of other people to love I don’t know how I’d have coped.  But I did!  So everything’s okay.”

Lapis had sunk down to sit inside the amethyst shell, her linked hands wrapped around her knees.  “If you saw her tomorrow and she said she wanted you back, would you go?”

“No,” Jasper said quickly.  She didn’t want Steven getting any wrong ideas or feeling insecure.

“Would you  _ want _ to go?  Don’t lie,” Lapis added.

“Yes,” she admitted.  “It’s dumb, but I would.”

“It’s  _ so _ dumb,” Lapis agreed with a sigh.  She tipped her head back against the inner wall of the geode, then swung it back forward with a small “ouch.”

“Okay, let’s get one thing very very clear,” Steven said.  He was pink-cheeked with anger and had scooped up Chalcedony for comfort.  “Art and culture and beauty, very very good!  We want lots of art and culture and beauty.  Using people who love you and dumping them,  _ not _ gonna happen here.  That’s not how love should be.”

“We talked about this before, though,” Lapis said.  “Well, you and I did, I don’t know if you’ve ever discussed it with Jasper.”

“I didn’t really understand that it was that bad,” he said glumly.  

Jasper crouched down beside him.  “But we’re going to be okay.  And look, the thing about wanting to go back is, I want to go back to what I believed in, this great infallible leader who’d love me if I was just good enough, but I know now that was never real.  Which hurts, but it means it’s okay  _ not _ to go back and to look round for something better.  I’m finding something better all the time.”  She gave him a gentle poke in the chest to make the point.

“Do you get the daydreams, though?”  Lapis asked, her voice distant and wistful.  “Where she does want you back, and you’re all wrapped up and safe in her arms?”

“Of course.  I just don’t want to dwell on them.  And you shouldn’t either.  You’ll only mess yourself up.”  Didn’t Lapis  _ know, _ anyway, how many million times better than those dreams it was to be curled up with Pearl stroking your hair and drowsily humming to herself?  If she didn’t, no wonder she was still brooding over a long-gone Diamond.

“I wouldn’t want  _ that,” _ Lapis said, pushing herself to her feet.  “What do you think, Chalcedony?  Does this place inspire you at all?  Maybe a little?”

“It seems like she  _ likes _ it here,” Steven said hopefully.  “I think we should come back.  Let’s try one more place and then go home for dinner.”

He chose the desert.  Despite her usual satisfaction at being able to quote  _ Star Wars _ in real life, Jasper had a bad feeling about this.

“Both of you stay sharp and stay close to me,” she warned Steven and Lapis.  “Last time I was here I got my ass kicked.”

“There’s such a lot of it to kick,” Lapis said airily, “you get a tremendous sense of  _ value.”   _ She stepped down from the warp pad and shuddered slightly at the feel of the sand on her bare feet.  “It’s so  _ dry _ here.”

“Welcome to the  _ desert,” _ said Jasper, who was vacillating between feeling her ass had been impugned and considering that it might have been complimented.

“All right, I walked into that.  It just feels unnatural to me.  Even the air’s dry.  It feels like it’s been  _ baked.” _

“I sort of like it myself.  That nice deep dry heat.”

“Chalcedony loves it!”  Steven exclaimed.  He had set the centipeetle down and she was scampering in circles and zigzags of glee, uttering little chirps and kicking up the sand.  He laughed in delight and scurried after her, floundering in the loose sand and kicking off his flip-flops to run more easily.  “This is where Lion’s from too!” he shouted back to Jasper and Lapis.

“Really?”  Jasper looked around with greater interest.

“From the look of some of the rock formations, I think this could have been a seabed once,” Lapis said, drawing a circle in the sand with the tip of her toe.  “Still, on this planet I think everywhere’s been seabed at some point.”

“That’d explain why Pearl and I found fish fossils in a cave.  You might’ve liked them.”

“I  _ love _ caves.  Water is the most amazing natural sculptor.”

“You should ask her to take you sometime, then.  And check out the part with the glow-worms.  This is me trying to help you have a good date, by the way.  Spelunking and mood lighting.”

“If it’s somewhere she’s recently been with you, I think I’d rather find somewhere I can make my own mark.  But thanks for thinking about it.”  Lapis gave a nervous little gust of a laugh.  “If she ever actually wants to try something like that with me.  I keep thinking that if I can just keep things the way they’ve been I’ll be happy, but I’m hoping so much that she’ll want - well, something more like she has with you.  Not the same.   _ I’m _ not the same, so - you know.”

“Fingers crossed,” Jasper said.  “Hey, why  _ do _ they cross their fingers for luck or to make a wish come true?  It just means you can’t use your fingers.”

“Oh, who knows why they do anything,” Lapis said, but she smiled for real as she said it.  That was at least partly because Steven had climbed up on a rock and was waving to them so they’d notice how high up he was.  They both waved back, suitably impressed.  He fell off the rock and landed on his face, but waved again to show he was okay.

“He’s a sturdy little guy,” Jasper said approvingly, sitting down and getting comfortable.  “And I think he’s going to be big because have you seen the size of his hands?  I’m going on the principle that puppies with big paws grow into big dogs.”

“I still can’t see him being Gem big, though,” Lapis said.  “Tall for a human, like you when you go into town, but he’s never going to impress them on Homeworld.”

“He still could be,” Jasper said stubbornly, aware that she didn’t have a leg to stand on.  Even if Rose Quartz had loved and valued smaller creatures and people, she still thought she’d have been proud to see her son turn out huge.

“I like you better at your real size, incidentally.  I used to think that you being smaller would make you less intimidating, but it never really did.  I think the humans should just get used to your real size too.  You could sneak your way up an inch at a time to acclimatise them.”

“I’d kind of like that, but it wouldn’t work with the job.  I clean out the insides of cars as well as washing the outside; I’ve got to be able to fit in there.  And then there’s the dogs - I mean, I already have to change my hands to do some things.  Like Snorlax has all these squishy folds in his face because they like breeding dogs to have stuff wrong with them, and you need to clean in between the folds because he gets his food mashed in there and it stinks to high heaven.  You can’t do that with my real-size hands, it’s too fiddly.  And then there’s the impacted butt glands.  I couldn’t freaking believe it.  You actually literally have to squeeze horrible stuff out of their asses to keep them clean and healthy.   _ And they’ve been bred like that. _  If I ever get a dog it’s got to be a good sturdy mix or at least a practical working breed designed not to go wrong and stink all the time.”

“They sound disgusting.”

“Oh, they’re disgusting all right, and I love ‘em.”  She grinned and leaned back on her elbows.  She knew while she was doing it that she was striking a pose, and it was probably a dumb thing to do when everything was so unsettled, but she just seemed to be doing it anyway.  And if Lapis had to hear about something disgusting at least she could look at something nice to offset it.  

_ What actually is up with me, though?  Apparently the minute the person I had the worst experience of my life with starts being vaguely nice to me I start showing off trying to impress her.  I didn’t think I gave that much of a crap - when she started telling me she missed me and had some kind of an attachment to me I was just confused and uncomfortable.  I always thought she was pretty but now I’m just being weird.  I should stop before I make  _ her _ uncomfortable.   _

“If Chalcedony is going to get anything out of being here, I hope she does it soon,” Lapis said.  She was standing with her hands on her hips watching boy and centipeetle play.  “She may like it, but the whole place gets on my nerves.  You’re not comfortable either, even if you’re trying to look like you’re just lounging in the sun.  I know when you’re all vigilant.  The Gem you fought here before, where did she come from?”

“It was hiding under the sand.  It just burst out suddenly, and then the sand was all caving in, running down into the space where it had been, and  _ we _ were sliding too.  We managed to get back on level ground and draw it away from the hole.  It was a big quadruped, a lot like a dog or a wolf, but it had these extra limbs growing out of its back like thick tentacles, and they were grabbing at us the whole time,  _ and  _ it had a long whippy tail with  _ another mouth _ on the end of it.”

“You keep saying  _ it,” _ Lapis pointed out.  “If we accept Chalcedony as a  _ she,  _ shouldn’t we do the same for all the corrupted Gems?”

“Honestly, I care about Chalcedony, but when I call her  _ she _ I’m just being polite and going along with Steven.  I can’t really feel like that’s a person until we can talk.  I care about her like I care about Lion, and Lion’s always been  _ it _ to me - though apparently it has to be  _ he _ because of the mane.”

“Are you going to feel bad about that if she does reform and start talking?”

“I hope not, because it’s not as if I’m ever mean to her.”

“But you think of her as an animal,” Lapis said sharply.

“I really like animals!”

“Will you stop and think for a second about what it might be like if she doesn’t  _ think _ like an animal?  If she’s trapped in there and the closest she can get to communicating is to repeat noises until we figure out they mean something?  And if you don’t care how she feels, could you stop and think that  _ I _ might feel -”

She was cut off by a sudden roar as the earth shook.  Something vast burst out of the desert floor, showering sand everywhere.  On one level Jasper was thinking, “Not  _ another  _ one,” but most of her wasn’t thinking, acting automatically, rolling to her feet, collecting Lapis under one arm, shielding her eyes with the other and running as fast as she could on loose dry sand for the shelter of the largest boulder nearby.  First thing, get nearest person she had to protect into a safer place.  Second thing, Steven, second only because not nearest.  She spat sand and popped her head up over the top of the rock, helmet on, to see what was going on.

It was hard to see in the haze of sand and dust.  This beast was different from the one she’d fought with Garnet, something hulking and segmented and armour-plated with a disturbing lopsided cluster of eyes.  It was roaring and striking again and again with its hooked forelimbs at the surface of a shining rose-pink bubble holding Steven and Chalcedony.  Steven was holding it back but he was flinching at each clashing blow and pouring with sweat.  Chalcedony was trying to help by spitting acid, which only ran down the inside of the bubble and threatened Steven’s bare feet; he was hopping to avoid it.  She felt Lapis grab her leg, a sharp little clutch on her thigh, and dropped back down to face her.

“You okay?” she asked quickly.

“Yes, where’s Steven?”  

“In his bubble.  He’s okay but he needs help.  I could use some too, that’s a  _ big _ so-and-so.”

“Oh no,” Lapis said, clutching at her own arms now.  “I can’t - there’s nothing I can do, there’s no water for miles except what’s inside Steven!”

“Crap.  Really none?”

“I would know!”

“What about tears and sweat?  We can make those - could you use them?”

“I know you’re a sweaty weepy mess but there are limits to what you can produce!”

“Okay.  I’m going to get out there and draw it away from Steven, give him some breathing room.  You run back to the warp pad, go home and bring everyone back here.”

“What?  No!  Who knows how long that’ll take - Pearl and Peridot are at the barn and I don’t  _ know _ where the others are.  You’ll probably get poofed inside a minute and then Steven will be alone.”

“I’m stronger than  _ that -” _

“I’m not leaving you so shut up and stop trying to give me orders.”

“Then give me a suggestion!”

“Why do I  _ like _ you?  You’re so dense!”  Glaring at her, Lapis grabbed her hand.  A cold shock went straight up Jasper’s arm to the back of her neck, and she shuddered.  She had to suck in a deep breath.

“It’s too soon.”   _ I wanted to fuse with Pearl first, I thought I still had time. _

“I know, but can you think of something better?”  Lapis swallowed hard; it looked painful.  “I’m sorry.”

“Save it.  Let’s dance.”

 

Steven was quickly approaching desperation.  He might have been better off dropping the bubble and using his shield, because he could have run and jumped, but that would have left Chalcedony exposed.  He couldn’t even hamster-ball the bubble  _ because _ of Chalcedony - she’d stopped spitting acid when she realised it was only adding to his problems, but it had pooled right in the bottom of the bubble where he would normally have put his feet, and he was having to stand astride it with his feet further apart than his shoulders, which felt precarious and kind of painful in the inner thigh, and it sloshed every time the bubble shook.  He couldn’t quite believe how much it hurt just to get a drop on your skin, his left foot felt like he’d stepped on a stove burner, and these jeans were ruined.  He was concentrating too hard on just keeping the bubble strong to cry right now but his nose was streaming and it was hard to breathe.  He didn’t know where Jasper and Lapis were, and even if he had, more than anything he wished Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl were here.

And the huge corrupted Gem kept crashing against the bubble and every second felt like he was going to be crushed - or the bubble would go flying and acid would go everywhere and that could be even worse.  For now they were wedged back against the rocks he’d been climbing on, but rocks could crack and break and this felt like anything but a safe position.

There was a flash of light over the monster’s shoulder and for a second he had a rush of hope that it was the warp pad, that help was on the way.  It was in the wrong place, though, over behind another boulder.

And then he nearly let the bubble drop because he was so astonished to see Malachite come lurching out from the cover of that boulder.  He wasn’t even clear on how her body worked, but apparently she could  _ run _ on all those hands.  She was screaming - for a war cry?  because she was terrified like him? - and closing the gap between them with astonishing speed, the corrupted Gem turning to meet her too slowly, Malachite’s body colliding with its own with an almighty  _ whack. _

A lot of things happened very fast.  Malachite grabbed onto whatever parts of the monster’s body each of her hands could reach and pulled them all in different directions.  The monster screamed and struck against the bubble one more time, its forelimb swinging sideways and up, and they were flicked up into the air and Chalcedony was screeching and in sheer panic he did something ridiculously tricky, popping the bubble and immediately forming another smaller one around his own body.  Acid splashed against it and hissed, but it didn’t hit him and then the  _ ground _ hit him and he was rolling over and over and hitting his head and his knees and his elbows until he managed to burst that bubble too.  He was still rolling over and over but a flailing body had a lot more friction than a smooth hard bubble and he bumped to a stop pretty fast.  Now his runny nose was clogged with wet sand, and there was a lot of it in his mouth, but at least his eyes had been scrunched closed.  When it stopped feeling quite so much like his brain was bouncing around inside his head, he scrambled up onto his knees and elbows and tried to see.

It looked like  _ two _ monsters fighting.  Steven wasn’t sure if Malachite had a natural weapon - a helmet with wings on it would look cool but probably wouldn’t be very useful - but she fought like fury with all six arms and - he winced - her teeth.  It looked like she was getting on top of things.  Chalcedony crawled over to him, limping on one of her hind legs, and he gathered her into his lap, tucking her shaggy head under his chin.

“You’ve got a sore foot too, huh?”  He risked a look at his own and winced.  It had been raw and now it was completely crusted with sand.  It looked horrible and hurt worse.  Most of the burn was on the sole, and he didn’t even want to imagine how it would feel to try to stand on it and have grains of sand crushed into it.  He would have tried spitting on it if his mouth hadn’t been all gunked up with sand too.  “It’s going to be okay,” he told Chalcedony, and wished she’d say it back.  “I’ll take care of you.”

There was a very final wrenching, cracking sound.  Malachite had broken the monster’s back.  She dropped it to the sand and crouched over it, panting, while it flickered and shrivelled down to a stone.  She planted one of her front hands firmly on it and looked around for him.

For a horrible half-second he thought that she would attack him next.  Her teeth were bared and her eyes were so wild.  Then she drew a deep breath and her face relaxed a little.  “Steven,” she said, “can you bubble this?”

“Yeah.  Can you bring it over, though?  My foot’s all jacked up.”  She passed it to him and sank down on the sand on folded arms while he secured it.  “Thank you.”

“I don’t think I can stay long,” Malachite said.  “But this is the first time I was  _ me. _  All me, not the two of them fighting each other.  Did I do something good?”

“Yeah, you did.  You saved me and Chalcedony.”

“Then it was worthwhile.  _ I _ was worthwhile.  That’s a good start, right?”

“That’s a hundred percent right.”  He wiped his nose on his arm and smiled up at her, and she grinned fiercely back.  Then she was gone, and Jasper almost dropped Lapis on him.

“Crap!  Sorry.”  She lowered Lapis more carefully and then sat down as if her legs couldn’t hold her up.  Lapis dropped to her knees and crawled a few feet away before sinking down as well.  Both of them were breathing heavily and looked distinctly pale and shaky, really not the way Steven would expect people who just had a very successful fusion to look.

“Are you guys okay?” he asked.

“We’ll be fine,” Jasper said quickly.  “What’s important is  _ you’re _ okay.”  Her head had been hanging forward, but she lifted it now and pushed back her hair to see him better.  “You are okay, right?”

“Most of me is but my jeans got killed and look at my foot.”  

Jasper winced, drawing in a hiss of air between her teeth.  “You shouldn’t walk on that.  Give me a sec and I’ll carry you.”

“It wasn’t as bad as it could have been,” Lapis said.  “Not your foot, sorry, Steven.  Us, Jasper?  Right?  It wasn’t anything like as bad as it was before.”

“No, no.  It was just - not something I’d do for fun.”

“When you do it for fun you don’t usually have to kill anything.”  Lapis touched the surface of the bubble gently.  “I wonder who she is.”

“She’s not the same as the one here before, even though she came out of the ground the same way,” Jasper said.  “That gemstone was red and this one’s pale blue.  That’s all I’ve got.”  She heaved herself to her feet, stretched out her back and bent again to scoop up Steven and Chalcedony.  “What do we do for a messed-up foot like that?”

“We could go to the hospital, but I think hospitals ask a lot of questions - well, Connie’s mom works there and she’s  _ sure _ to ask questions.  I guess we should try my mom’s fountain.”

He tried to explain about the fountain in the garden while Jasper carried him and Lapis carried Chalcedony.  It seemed to be news to them.  When they got there Jasper wandered around with her mouth hanging open in awe, staring at the statues, until he had to remind her that he kind of needed to get over to the pool.  When he could finally sit down on the rim of the fountain and dip his foot in the soft water, the clean, soothing feeling was incredible.  The sand swirled away and so did the blood and the oozy plasma stuff.  He tried wriggling his toes and found that they were sore like sunburn, but the worst pain was over.  He sighed in relief and scooped more water over the smaller spatter-burns on his lower legs.

Beside him, Lapis knelt on the fountain edge and lowered Chalcedony in.  She wasn’t keen on being put in the water, but seemed to feel the benefit once her lame leg was immersed.  She relaxed and cooed.

“I have to admit,” Lapis said with a small smile, “I was hoping it would be as simple as dunking her and she’d be magically restored to her old self.  Still, I guess Pearl and the others would have tried that a long time ago.”

“Did Pearl make all these?” Jasper asked, gesturing around at the statues.

“I don’t know,” Steven admitted.  “I guess she could have.”

“Rose Quartz could have ordered them made,” Lapis said, shrugging.  “Diamonds and other high-ranking Gems have their portraits done in paintings and murals and sculptures all the time.  Representations of them everywhere all the time, when they can’t be there.  There were even a few miniatures of me when I was a favourite.”

“It just seems a little nicer if they were a tribute from someone who loved her,” Jasper said.  “They’re beautiful either way.”  She reached out and touched the carved curls of a statue, gently and hesitantly, as if she was afraid she was being rude but couldn’t quite resist.  “Why is it in all her portraits her eyes are closed?”

“I don’t know,” Steven said again.  “There’s a  _ lot _ I don’t know, and some of it’s hard to ask about.  I don’t think she had anything wrong with her eyes.  I’ve seen a video she made for me, and they looked fine then.”

“What were they like?”

“Her eyes were black,” Lapis said briefly.  “I remember that clearly, Rose Quartz’s eyes were black.”

“What, all over?” Jasper asked, sounding startled.

“No, like mine,” Steven said.  “Except if you look really close they’re a super dark brown.  You can hardly see the difference between the pupil and the iris, though.”

“I’d been picturing them pink or red.”  She looked embarrassed, as if she’d put a little too much thought into Rose Quartz’s eyes.  “Could I see that video, Steven?”

He hesitated.  “It’s kind of private.  She made it just for me.  Sadie saw it too because she was helping me, but other than her I’d like to keep it private.  Everyone else has memories about her that I’ll never have, so if I can have that just for me, I feel better.”

“Oh, sure.  Sorry.  I’m just so curious about her, but I didn’t mean to butt in.  How’s your foot doing?”

“Nearly like new.  I just want to soak it a little longer.  It’s nice feeling like my mom’s taking care of me in a way.”

They sat a while in the quiet of the garden, and Chalcedony ate a few flower petals.


	34. Chapter 34

When they got home it turned out that Steven expected Lapis and Jasper would announce their second fusion right away and was surprised and a little dismayed by their shared reluctance.

“But the others will be so happy for you,” he protested, “just like I am.”

“I can’t speak for Jasper,” Lapis said, “but it’s just not the way I’d like to do it.”

“It would be one thing if we’d done it on purpose because we wanted to,” Jasper said, “but it was an emergency so I don’t feel like it counts.  But at least this time we did it for a good reason.  Something we really agreed on.  That’s important.”

“I just wish you could be happier about it,” Steven said plaintively.  “I still haven’t done a real Gem fusion but when Connie and I have fused it’s been a bit weird but overall really great.”

“You fuse with _Connie?”_  Lapis asked, startled.

“I’m impressed but not really surprised, because it _is_ Connie,” Jasper said.  “But how can you when she doesn’t have a gemstone?”

“I don’t know!  But we just do.  We make a person we call Stevonnie.  They’re bigger than both of us, and they look a little like each of us.  I guess they mostly look like a girl but they aren’t exactly a boy _or_ a girl, that’s why we say _they_ instead of _he_ or _she._ Our minds don’t really fuse to make a new personality, though - it still feels like two people sharing a body, and I mostly let Connie lead.  Sorry you didn’t know - it’s not a secret, it just never came up before.”

“What happened to us today doesn’t need to be a _secret,”_  Lapis said, “but maybe it shouldn’t come up for a bit?  Let’s at least wait until Pearl and Peridot finish whatever they’re working on and everyone is together again.”

That seemed to satisfy him for the time being.  They left him boiling water for spaghetti and explaining the importance of salting the water to Chalcedony.

All Jasper wanted was to either find Amethyst and tell her everything or, failing that, to hole up in her room until Pearl came home.  As soon as they were behind the Temple door, though, Lapis grabbed her hand, or at least her thumb, gripping it tight.

“Please don’t leave me alone,” she said, her voice low and urgent.  “I don’t know how to be alone after something like that.”

Jasper managed not to say that it was all she wanted, or maybe, she thought, she failed to say it.  She just didn’t seem to have it in her to tell Lapis no, she was going to go take care of herself and her own weird feelings.  It made her feel pretty weak.

“Okay,” she said.  “You don’t need to worry. I’ll stay.”

“Thank you,” Lapis said, her shoulders sagging.  “I know you don’t want to.  Selfish brat as usual.”

“Is that you saying it so I don’t have to?”

“As a mark of gratitude.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to say it, so keep it to yourself.  Come on.”

“Where to?  Your room?”

Jasper sagged in turn.  “I don’t know.  I can’t handle Pearl’s room but I feel weird taking you to mine when nothing’s settled.  This is why you need to get your own damn room.”

“But Pearl wants me to stay with her,” Lapis said.  “When she’s not with you, anyway.”

“Let’s go see Amethyst.”  Even if she couldn’t talk to her the way she would if Lapis wasn’t there, Amethyst was comforting.  You could settle into the cosy, slightly funky clutter of her room and feel that nothing mattered too terribly much.  Lapis seemed fairly unenthusiastic about going there, but didn’t actively complain as long as she had a large orange thumb to hold.  Amethyst wasn’t there, though, unless she was napping in one of the million hidey-holes and didn’t hear Jasper calling her name.  The napping would be in character but the not hearing would be hard to pull off.  

“Oh well,” Jasper said, sitting down on the floor and leaning against the couch.  “She won’t care if we wait for her.”

“You’re sure about that?” Lapis said doubtfully.

“Yeah, she’s told me it’s okay before.  Anyway, I guess you want another armchair hug type thing?”

“It would help.”

“Come here then.”  This time she felt like she could wrap her arms around Lapis tight enough to _guide_ her back to lean on her, instead of waiting for her to close that cautious little gap between them.  “That okay?”

“Thank you,” Lapis sighed.  “I was feeling… fragile.  You always feel solid and stable.”

“Yeah, Pearl says that too.  I’m glad I can be your stabiliser.  Even if you think I’m a sweaty weepy mess.”

“I was upset when I said that and I didn’t really mean it.  You’re not too sweaty.”

That made Jasper laugh, just a soft little snort.  “You little…  I notice as soon as you get your own way and I’m being nice to you, you get back to picking on me.”

“You don’t mind it the way you used to.”

“It doesn’t feel dangerous the way it used to.  Don’t overdo it, though.  I need a _little_ bit of sweet in between all the sour to remind me why I bother.”

“I’m not sour, I’m salty.  I think I remember saying today that I like you.  I was surprised _that_ slipped out.  I didn’t want to say it until I was sure it was consistently true.”

“You asked _why_ you liked me and called me dumb, but I’ll take what I can get.”

“Not dumb.  Dense.  Slow to get the point.  Did you really not think of trying to fuse?  Or was it more that you thought of it but didn’t want to say it?”

“Really wasn’t thinking about it.  Remember, in a situation like that I fall back on training.  I was a bodyguard for a while as well as an officer, and Jaspers aren’t supposed to _need_ to fuse to handle a situation.  They train you on it just in case but they don’t drill-drill-drill it, so it doesn’t come straight back like the things you practised again and again and again.”

“You dance better than I’d expect, then.”

“That must be raw talent.”

“Why _do_ I like you?” Lapis mused.  “You’re giving me a chance.  That’s important.  I like that about you.”

“That one’s mutual.”

“I think I like you _because_ you’re starting to like me.  I’m not sure why that is and I think if I examine it too closely it might stop working.”

“Better not,” Jasper agreed.

“It’s kind of fragile too.”

“Am I stabilising it?”  She put her chin down on Lapis’ head lightly, just for a moment.  

Instead of answering Lapis asked another question.  “Are you ever afraid to ask someone if they feel the same way you do about something, when you think they might but in case they don’t, it would be uncomfortable for them to know that you did in the first place?”

“Yep.”

“So if you don’t feel the same way I do about the next thing I say, would you be prepared to forget about it in the name of avoiding awkwardness?”

“Probably.  But if we’re talking about something really crazy uncomfortable and awkward, maybe tonight’s not a good time to try me.”

“Does it help if I say it’s about Malachite?”

“Maybe a little.”   _Thank goodness it wasn’t about Pearl and us._

“The thing is, I know that fusing today was hard on you because it was hard on me too.  Being in that state again brought up some vivid memories of bad things, being trapped, and even if I feel a lot safer now than I used to so it’s not as if I was devastated, I felt really shaky and wrung out afterwards.”

“I definitely feel the same way about that.”

“But _when_ we fused, when we formed Malachite again - wasn’t that kind of a thrill?”  That part came out in a guilty rush.  “Feeling all that strength again - I _know_ you felt that the first time and you were excited then because you thought you were going to win and go home a hero who captured Rose Quartz, and I was excited because I knew I would finally be able to stop you and save Steven - if you can be excited and despairing at the same time.  But still.  That surge of feeling that I could _do_ something for once and I wasn’t helpless any more, that was the one part of the whole thing that felt good for a few seconds.   _Really_ good.  Did you feel anything like that today?  I don’t want it to be just me.”  Her voice dwindled away on the last words.

“That’s not just you.  I, um, yeah, I know what you mean.  I’d say I felt kind of exhilarated.  I feel weird about enjoying that, because the way I always thought of it fusion was basically admitting you’d failed to deal with things on your own, and I _couldn’t_ deal with today on my own, so even if I _know_ it’s wrong there’s still that voice in my head telling me I’m not allowed to like any part of this, it happened because I was weak, and I should just get the humiliation over with as fast as I can.”

“Stop feeling big, this just proves that you’re small?” Lapis suggested.

“Yeah.  In spite of that, yeah, I did get a rush out of it.”

“Well, that’s something to tuck away and think about another day.”  She sounded quietly but thoroughly pleased.  “That’s all I wanted to know.  It’s really why I wanted to have some time alone with you.”

“So you’d be okay alone now?”

“I didn’t quite say that.  Besides, I’m going to be lonely tonight without Pearl _or_ Peridot around.”

“Wow, third choice.  I’ve moved up a _lot_ from last on the planet.”  Jasper yawned and knuckled her eyes.  “You’re probably going to be lonely with me too, ‘cause all I really want is to go to sleep.”

“Can you just try to stay awake a little longer?”

“Yeah, just giving you fair warning I’m likely to fade out now I’m relaxed.”

“You’re strange with your sleeping.”

“Show me something that works better for recovery when you’ve had a rough day, then.”

“I doubt you want to try bubble baths.  But bubble baths.”

“So build me a big enough bath.”

“We could just throw some bubble-bath in Rose Quartz’s fountain and you could soak in that.”

“It seems like it would be really disrespectful to put my _butt_ in a sacred mystical healing fountain.”

“Right, that’s clearly the problem with that idea.”

“Do you think all that water was _literally_ Rose’s tears?”

“I don’t know.  I’m picturing her sitting there with her eyes just spouting like hoses to fill the pool.”  Lapis tipped back her head to look up at Jasper.  “Maybe _that’s_ why she’s always represented with her eyes closed.  They were puffed shut from crying.”

“Aw, no, I hate that idea!  Too sad.  Rejected.”  Jasper blew a small crisp raspberry to drive the point home.

“Just trying to help.”  Lapis pressed her pointy little chin onto Jasper’s arm.  “I wanted to ask you about one other thing, but if you don’t want to talk about it now I’ll save it.”

“Tell me what and I’ll think about it.  The first one wasn’t so bad.”

“Well, I could have done that on purpose to soften you up.  I feel like I need to keep warning you about the shady things I might do.  The trouble is, warning honest people that they shouldn’t trust you tends to make them trust you because they think you’re being disarmingly honest.  See how that works?”

“You’re creeping me out.  Get back to the thing, whatever it was.”

“When Pearl makes up her mind, if she decides that yes, she wants to try being with you and me both, well, she’s going to want me to kiss her, isn’t she?”

“Oh.  Well, probably, but not if you don’t want to, you know, if you don’t like it.”

“How do I know whether I like it or not?  It’s this alien… _kink_ all the rest of you have just embraced like it’s not completely weird sticking your tongue into someone else’s mouth.”

“Well, the tongues are optional.  And trying it out doesn’t mean you’re committed to always doing it after that.  And if I’m totally misreading where you’re going with this I apologise but I have to say right now, no, you can’t practise on me.”  Her face was burning and she was very, very glad they weren’t facing each other.

“You really think you’re hot, don’t you?”

“Excuse _you,_ I know.”  She felt pretty sure Lapis was just being nasty because she was embarrassed, but that was the only free shot she would give her.

“The only reason I’d want to practise on you is because I wouldn’t care about disappointing you the way I care about disappointing Pearl.”

“What, you think she’ll be disappointed if you’re not already good at it the first time you try?  Don’t be dumb, that’s not going to bother her.  I was probably terrible when I started kissing her; she didn’t care.  Hey.”  She gave Lapis a little jostle.  “You know what she’s going to really like?  If you’re looking at her all kind of shy and nervous but also all curious and eager, saying something like, ‘I’m not sure about kissing but I want to learn; would you be my teacher?’”

“Oh my stars you’re right.”  Lapis gave an undignified spurting fizzle of a laugh.  “Oh, that is - I don’t know why I didn’t think of that but _bless_ your foul little mind.”  She began to laugh harder, nervous tension escaping in bubbling giggles.

“I know, right?” Jasper asked, grinning.  “I take no responsibility for any bruised lips.”

“Did _you_ do that?”

“Nah, I didn’t think of it in time.  I kissed _her_ first so I’ll give you that one for free.”

“When you didn’t really know what you were doing?  That was brave.”  She was still giggling.

“Well, I was built to be brave.  Then she got all upset and ran off because she felt guilty about _you_ and I felt just horrible until we patched things up.  You get to skip all that angst so you’re pretty lucky.”

“That’s _if_ she wants to try,” Lapis said, subsiding.  “Oh, I hope she does.”

“I think she does.  Want to, I mean.  She’ll be worried about how it’ll actually work, but she _wants_ to.  Not to be gross, but haven’t you seen the way she’ll come back from spending time with you and pretty much immediately jump me?”

“Because she’s missed you so much,” Lapis said.

“She’s missed me, yeah, but if she’s been away from me with anyone else I’ll just get a big hug and a kiss, not the whole take-me-I’m-yours.  She gets all het up with you and works it off with me afterwards.”  It always hurt a bit to admit that to herself and saying it to Lapis who was the cause of it all really stung, but she had to be honest.

“I really think you’re wrong about that, or at least only part right.  Pearl _adores_ you.”

“Maybe we’ll find out.  Okay, you’ve had two weird difficult personal questions and that’s all I’ve got energy for for one day.  Shop’s closed, good night, I’m getting some shut-eye and you should too.”  She shut her eyes firmly - maybe Rose Quartz really just wanted to get some sleep when people were taking her picture - and dropped her resistance to the heaviness that had been tugging at her body and mind all this time.  It was going to be harder to doze off than if they hadn’t talked about such unsettling things but she was tired enough to make up for a lot of that.

“I’m prepared to try that again.”

“Just a nap till Amethyst comes back.”

 

When Amethyst came home late with a grease-stained paper bag of tacos, she found them both fast asleep.  Jasper looked the most uncomfortable, sleeping sitting up with her head canted over on her own shoulder and her huge legs splayed out in front of her.  Her mouth was hanging open and she was breathing kind of loudly but apparently people with gemstones for noses didn’t actually snore.  Lapis had curled up neatly on her side between her legs, arms and legs all tucked in and her head resting on Jasper’s midriff, which couldn’t be a very soft pillow.  Muttering darkly about people who fell asleep in your lair and made it impossible to watch a backlog of _WWE Raw_ without waking them up and feeling like an asshole, she made her way to her own messy bed.

When she woke up they were still there, although Lapis must have slipped down or repositioned herself to lie across Jasper’s lap with her head on one massive thigh and her legs draped over the other.  After a good night’s sleep she had fewer compunctions about behaving like an asshole so she cued up the wrestling, sat herself on the other end of the couch with her feet up and ate cold tacos as loudly as she could, which wasn’t very loudly because they’d gone pretty soft sitting around overnight.  Since crunching wasn’t an option she went for loud chewing and smacking.

It took a while, but the noise woke Jasper.  She rolled her head from her shoulder back onto the seat of the couch, put her hand to the side of it that had been stretched all night and gave a grunt of pain before opening her eyes and looking around blearily.  She focused on Amethyst, who smiled with her cheeks stuffed with food and raised the half-taco in her hand as if making a toast.  Jasper’s eyes narrowed and she made a sudden lunge for the greasy paper bag between Amethyst’s feet, grabbed it and stuffed the last of the leftovers into her mouth in one handful.

“Thief,” Amethyst said cheerfully.  “I licked ‘em all.”

“Of course you did, they’re fish tacos.”

Amethyst almost choked laughing and gave Jasper an appreciative kick in the shoulder.  “Dude, that was gross enough for _me.”_

“Thought you’d like it,” Jasper said, chewing.  “Thanks for breakfast.  Gah, my neck hurts.”

“You did it to yourself.  Why’d you pass out there?”

“Lapis was in a weird mood and I thought it’d be easier to hang out in here than… I don’t know, I wanted to look after her but taking her down to my room felt too… Ugh, I wish Pearl and Peridot would come home.  I just want to see her and work things out.  Don’t you miss Peridot?”

“She’s been gone one night, Miss Needy.  I love her but I was looking forward to having the place to myself.  What exactly’s going on there?”

“It’s all kind of up in the air and we’re waiting for Pearl to decide what she wants.  I mean, we told her what _we_ want.  I guess, it was a really confusing conversation.  Have you talked to Steven?”

“What’s Steven got to do with it?  But no, he was already in bed when I got home.”

“Okay, yesterday Steven and Lapis and me went out to the desert because he had this idea about Chalcedony.”  She glanced down at Lapis, her expression fond but a little wary.  Amethyst listened while she told the whole weird story, finishing up with a request to keep it quiet for the time being.

“Wow.  Okay.  I mean, wow.  You’re not freaking out so I guess the fusion was okay?”

“Oh, I’m just freaking out very discreetly on the inside.  No, not really freaking out.”  She brushed a strand of hair off Lapis’ cheek, her large hand very gentle.  “It’s just not the way I wanted it to go.  I was starting to come round to the idea, I was thinking in a few months when I got a few other things figured out I’d ask Pearl to try again.  Get over being so scared of the water, _then_ tackle the other big fear.  I really wanted it to be with her, I knew it would mean so much to her and for me… I’d be doing it when I was good and ready with someone I trust.  I wanted it to be the kind of fusion you all do, based on love, like Tourmaline.  I was imagining we’d make someone beautiful and happy like her.  Then I just had to do it for an emergency again.  It wasn’t for love, it was to beat down a monster.  I built it up too much in my head so I was disappointed.  My mistake.”

“Oh, come on.  That was all about love.  You did it because you both love Steven, duh.”

“That’s not really the angle I’m worried about.”

“Sorry.  Thought it might make you feel better.”  Amethyst patted her shoulder.

“And I wish Pearl didn’t have to know about it, but it’s not something I can hide without lying to her.  How’s she going to feel when she comes back?  Oh, while you were gone for one night we were fusing.”

“For an emergency!”

“I’m scared she won’t see it like that and we’re going to be right back to Pearl feeling shut out.”

“If she does I’ll shake some sense into her.”

“Oh!  And it turns out Steven and Connie have a fusion!  I didn’t even think that was possible.”

“Oh yeah, Stevonnie’s a kick.  I named ‘em!”

“Seriously, is there anything else big and astonishing I should know?”  Jasper demanded.

“I wouldn’t know where to start,” Amethyst said wearily.  “Aren’t your legs numb with Lapis sleeping all over you?”

“No, she’s really light.  Not as light as Pearl, but still.  Also she’s paralysing me with that trick cats do of being all cute when they sleep.  She must’ve taken notes from Lion.”

“You’re such a pushover.  I’ll wake her up if you’re chicken.”  Amethyst reached over to jostle Lapis’ shoulder, but Jasper intercepted her hand and pushed it back.  “Seriously, don’t let her take advantage just ‘cause now you think she’s cute.  When did that start, anyway?”

“When I met her?  I didn’t _like_ her then but I’m not blind.”

“What _did_ you think of her then?”

“Cowardly and annoying.  I mean, that was in my peak jerk period.”

“Oh, I know, you were a raging asshole.  Maybe you overcorrected, though.  Don’t go all wussy.”

“Excuse me if it’s hard to find the balance between raging asshole and wuss.”

“How is she sleeping through us talking _and_ wrestling on the TV?”

“She must be really tired,” Jasper said.  “Just let her be, okay?”

“Don’t you have work today?  What’re you gonna do, phone Greg and say I can’t come in, Lapis is nappis on my lappis?”

“Sunday’s a half day.  She’s got time to sleep in.”

“So I thought the arrangement you were shooting for was Pearl Has Two Girlfriends and you and Lapis were just trying to be friends, but with this it’s looking more like an even three-way split.”  Amethyst gestured at Lapis and back at Jasper’s flushed face.

“I’m not even _thinking_ of trying to pull off anything that complicated till we even know if the first thing works.”

“Okay.  I mean I get that, you want to do right by Pearl first and that’s good, because that way I don’t have to kick your ass.   _But_ I’d appreciate a heads-up if and when you do.  At least so I can make popcorn.”

“I promise.  Let’s just watch your show.”

Lapis stretched out her legs, and for a moment it seemed she was waking up before she subsided back into sleep.  Her nose twitched and Amethyst saw Jasper’s whole big expressive face light up like a neon sign saying OMG SO CUTE, which was itself omg so cute, even if the whole situation had incredible potential to be a total trainwreck.  

It wasn’t as if Jasper or Pearl had ever heard what Rose told her and Garnet about Lapis Lazuli, the warnings about how dangerous she could be, how a person like that could break up the home they were trying to create for themselves.  It had just about broken Rose’s heart to have to exclude someone like that when they’d lost so many friends already, but she’d made the choice when they were few and threatened and just trying to establish something they could hold onto, even before they’d found Amethyst.  Pearl wasn’t to know because Pearl had found the mirror and was already so attached to it, and Rose didn’t want to take that away from her if she could avoid it, as long as it seemed safe.  It had all been a weighing up of calculated risks, Rose had tried to explain, and even she wasn’t happy with the solution she’d come up with but she needed them to trust that it was the best she could do under the circumstances.  They had, because it was _Rose._

So now Amethyst was just left hoping that for once, Rose had been wrong, maybe had been too cautious because she’d been through such a hard time, maybe had believed things she’d heard about Lapis without knowing them from experience, or maybe she’d been right at the time but things were different enough now that Lapis wouldn’t _want_ to play mind games and control people and turn them against each other the way she apparently had in the old days.  She could decide that just being loved was better than having power, right?  Maybe at some stage Garnet would tell her that it was finally okay to come off high alert where Lapis was concerned.  It always felt weird to have to keep thinking about her like that when she’d turned into… well, one of the family, nearly.  More of an abrasive cousin than a sister, but still.  So if she could just stay like that or get better and not, for example, take a figurative dump all over Jasper and Pearl’s feelings that would be great.

She sat back and half watched the TV, half watched Jasper pretending to watch TV while sneaking glances down at Lapis.

“You should be taking notes,” she said, nudging Jasper’s shoulder with her foot.  “I’m still planning to take you to the underground league some time.”

“Still looks too hard to do without really killing anyone,” Jasper complained.  “I’ll suplex some poor fool and drive his head up into his neck.”

“Naw, you’ll get it.  I was telling Smiley about you the other day, starting the hype.  Of course the first thing he asked was if you’re any relation to Tiger Millionaire; I said yeah but Tiger Trust Fund Kid doesn’t sound cool.  We need to work on the name, though.  Tangerine’s kind of a weird fruit, I’m not sure everyone knows what it is.”

“I don’t need to be fruit, do I?”

“No, but I wanted you to be orange like I’m purple.  I guess that doesn’t matter, you’re kind of blindingly orange no matter what.”

“I could be Tiger Billionaire: The Sequel.”

“That’s risky.  There’s still a lot of fan love for Tiger Millionaire, you don’t wanna come in like a usurper.  You can get goodwill from Steven’s legacy but if people feel like you’re not _respecting_ the legacy, there it goes.”

“Tiger Pauper.  Starting from scratch.”

“Scratch!  I really like that.”

“I’m Tiger Millionaire’s no-good kid and he cut me off without a cent because he caught me smelling a flower or something and thought I’d gone soft.”

“Because he’s the most heartless creature alive!”

“When actually I was killing a bee with my teeth!  So now I’m out to prove that I don’t need him and _I’m_ the most ruthless tiger the world’s ever known.”

“This is an awesome backstory and I totally want to remember it but Tiger Pauper’s a terrible name.  Someone’s going to call you Tiger Pooper the first week and then we’re screwed.”

“I guess it does make me sound like a failure before I start.”

“And Tiger Startup makes you sound too much like a nerd.  Leave it with me, I think we’re onto something here.”  She patted Jasper’s shoulder, pleased.  “Oh, look who’s surfacing.”

Lapis looked pretty while she was asleep but she woke up less prettily.  She scrunched her whole face up, repeatedly, and made a kind of grumbling whine that started in her throat and worked its way out through her nose.  More scrunchy faces followed and a groan of protest before she pushed herself up from Jasper’s leg and sat hunched over rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands.  “Ugh,” she said, her voice sounding gravelly.  “How long was I… is it still tonight?”

“No, it’s tomorrow,” Jasper said apologetically.  “I slept right through too.”

“Didn’t Amethyst come back?”  Lapis looked around peevishly, found her and gave her a sleepy stink-eye.  “Clearly you did.”

“And when I did you were sleeping like babies so I decided to be a good sport and crawled off to bed.  Sorry I didn’t realise I should’ve kicked you awake.  Next time pin a note on Jasper or something.”

“I feel _awful,”_ Lapis whined, scrubbing at her eyes again.  “My eyes are sticky and my teeth are furry.  And I - oh good grief.  I had a _dream.”_  She sounded like she was admitting to an incident of bed-wetting. 

“Really?” Jasper asked, her eyes widening.  “What was it?”

Lapis scratched her nose and looked sullen.  “It’s private,” she said.  “But it was stupid.  Now I’ve tried it I don’t have to do it again.”

“You are a _peach_ first thing in the morning,” Amethyst said.  “Go wash your face and gargle with coffee and toothpaste, see if that helps.”

“I’m going to have a bath,” Lapis said, getting up and stretching.  “Everyone needs to leave me alone.  Don’t ever talk me into that again,” she added, poking Jasper in the chest as she stepped over her leg to leave.  She walked sluggishly over to the nearest pool of water, stepped out onto its surface and disappeared downward with hardly a splash.  Once she was gone Jasper drew her legs up and kneaded at the cramped muscles, wincing.

“She was actually pretty nice to me last night,” she said, as if Lapis needed defending.  “Cuddly, even.”

“Maybe she’s just one of those people who wake up crabby,” Amethyst said.  “Think you can get up?”

“I picked the worst place to sleep,” Jasper admitted, levering herself off the floor.  She was trying to arch the crick out of her back when Steven came puffing down the amethyst-lined corridor.

“Hey, good morning!” he called out.  “I made eggs and Pearl and Peridot are back!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the feeling that during her days at court Lapis Lazuli became somewhat notorious for starting shit. She doesn't seem to remember it or think much about it, but _hmmmmm._


	35. Chapter 35

Pearl and Peridot were in the living room and both looked pleased with themselves in the extreme, bouncy and bright-eyed and fidgety with excitement.  When Jasper emerged Pearl flew at her and hugged her round the neck.  “Hello, darling!  Oh, what’s wrong?”  She had given a little grunt of pain at the impact.  

“I slept wrong and my back is sore.”

“How on earth did you manage to do that?” Pearl asked in the fond, fussy way that made her feel cossetted and spoiled.  “Come here and lie down and I’ll see what I can do.”

“There’s no time for _that!”_ Peridot cried.  “She’ll live, she’s huge!  We need to get going.”

“Going for what?” Amethyst asked. She strolled over and slung her arm around Peridot’s waist.  “Don’t I get a kiss?”

“Yes-yes-yes,” said Peridot, kissing her impatiently.  “And I can’t tell you yet.  You have to be surprised.  It’s _extremely_ impressive - Pearl, there isn’t time to walk on her back!”

“Garnet and Lapis aren’t here yet and I just want to get this place _here._ Isn’t that better?”

“Hrngh,” Jasper said, faintly but gratefully.

“I think that area’s the key to your whole back.  You actually have a problem with the way you’re optimised for strength; it makes you incredibly resistant to shock but it means you stiffen up more easily.”

“My neck hurts too, here on this side.  Oooooh, thank you.”  Cool, kindly hands went to work firmly, finding the sore place and kneading it away.

“We’re wasting so much ti-hi-hi-hime,” Peridot lamented, clutching at her hair.  “I want to _show_ them!”

“Lapis said something about taking a bath but I don’t know if she meant Steven’s bathroom or somewhere else,” Jasper said.

“Probably the warm pool in my room,” Pearl said.  “That’s one of her favourite spots.  I can go and find her.”

“Fine, good, go, chop-chop,”  Peridot snapped.

“Someone’s feeling bossy,” Amethyst said, bumping her hip.  “This should be good.”

At last everyone was gathered, Lapis with her hair damp and slightly curly and her face still slightly petulant, although she seemed content to be holding hands with Pearl.

“Right,” said Garnet.  “What do you have to show us?”

“We can’t show you _here,”_ Pearl said brightly, “but we don’t have to go up to the barn.  We’d like to show you up at the arena.  Oh, Jasper, I know it’s not your favourite place.  Will you be all right for a short visit?”

“Sure, if it’s important.”

“It’s incredibly important!”  Peridot shouted.  “Go-go-go!”

They took the warp pad up, and Peridot chivvied them all to take seats on the stone benches before turning to Pearl with a look of dismay.  “We don’t have Connie,” she said, “and she should see it too.”

“I know, but we can’t just go and get her whenever we need her, unfortunately.  We’ll give Connie a special demonstration next time she comes for a fencing lesson,” Pearl said.  “Now, everyone!  You may not be aware - in fact, you shouldn’t be aware because we were trying very hard to be discreet so as not to raise expectations - but Peridot and I have been working on a special project.”

“Is this that song about my butt?  Because I already found the lyrics when I was looking for Peri’s secret sour Skittles stash,” Amethyst said.  “It’s good!  But it’s not surprising.”

“Is it the planetary camouflage idea?” Garnet asked.

“Well, a-ha-ha, from the sublime to the ridiculous, I suppose,” Pearl said, looking embarrassed.  “Or the other way around.  No, it’s nothing so ambitious, I’m afraid.”

“It’s very ambitious!” Peridot objected.  “I didn’t even think it would be possible but you were so sure that I tried.  We’ve been working on it a little at a time with Pearl coaching me and then me practising alone and when I thought I’d had a breakthrough I called for an intensive workshop session for a final big push.  In short - is everyone listening?  I don’t want to have to repeat myself.  In short - this is amazing, you’re going to be so impressed.  In short - I have a weapon!”  She gave a kind of triumphant hoot and danced around in a circle hugging herself.

“She does _not_ look like someone who should be allowed a weapon,” Lapis muttered, low enough that Jasper wondered whether no one was supposed to hear or just she, who happened to be sitting beside Lapis, was supposed to hear.

“Awesome, babe!  Show us,” Amethyst said.

“That’s incredible, Peridot!”  Steven hopped up and ran over to hug her.  “Congratulations!”

“I know!” Peridot exclaimed, beaming.

“What sort of weapon?” Garnet asked, leaning forward.

“Well, I took a clue from the fact that fusion weapons tend to be fusions themselves, combinations of the individual Gems’ personal weapons,” Pearl said.  She was clearly thrilled to be explaining her process to an audience.  “Based on the fact that Tourmaline uses a bolas, which has a somewhat whiplike structure but is rapidly swung and then thrown, I reasoned that we should probably be focusing on projectile weapons and missiles as the area of Peridot’s natural aptitude.  From there it was really a mental exercise - and it was very difficult for Peridot to get the hang of the kind of meditation required, and I was very proud of how she persevered until she succeeded.  It was challenging for me too, to try to teach a process that Rose and I were making up as we went along.  But I’m chatting away when we should really just show you.  Peridot, would you like to do the honours?”

“Finally!” Peridot said.  “All right.  I’ve practised this in front of cows so I should be okay with an audience.  Everyone keep quiet so you don’t put me off.”  She lifted her visor, pushing it back into her hair, and closed her eyes, raising her hand to just in front of the gemstone in her forehead.  She took a deep breath in and slowly released it, then another.  After a long moment in which it seemed nothing would happen and they all began to feel faintly embarrassed for her the stone lit up and a glowing, indistinct object emerged into her hand.  She grasped it firmly, drew it forth and held it aloft, the sun glinting off it.  “Behold!”

It was a small green slingshot.  It looked a little more serious than the child’s back pocket type, being metallic and streamlined, but it wasn’t especially intimidating.  Steven clapped anyway.  

“Stop,” Peridot told him, “I’m not done.”  She lowered her visor again.  “I need a target.”

“Here’s one I prepared earlier,” Pearl said, and summoned one of her holographic doubles.  Jasper had seen one before the one time she’d been up here, but it still gave her the creeps how it managed to look just like Pearl and yet nothing like her, with that mean little weasel face.  Lapis must not have seen one, judging by her uneasy expression.  Pearl sent it over to stand at the far side of the arena in front of the stump of an obelisk.

“Right!” said Peridot.  “Take this, enemy!”  She thrust out her arm, pinched the elastic band of the slingshot and drew it back towards her.  

“You have to load it,” Amethyst said helpfully.

“No I don’t!” Peridot said gleefully, and released the elastic.  A marble-sized blob of lime-green light spat out and hummed through the air.  Before anyone had time to catch their breath it punched directly through the head of the holo-Pearl and neatly lopped a six-inch chunk of stone off the top of the broken obelisk.  It hummed off into the distance and burst with a small bright pop.  The holo-Pearl dropped bonelessly to its knees and disappeared.  The chunk of stone just dropped out of sight, hopefully not to land too near any living thing.

Without really thinking about it Jasper found herself on her feet and applauding.

“Yikes,” said Lapis.

Amethyst whooped and ran to hug Peridot, lifting her off her feet and bouncing her while she cackled triumphantly.  With the exception of Lapis, who hung back a little, everyone crowded around them to praise and congratulate Peridot, who was beside herself with pride and delight.

“It still has limitations,” she said, swivelling her head to get the most out of Garnet patting it.  “My aim is pretty good with stationary targets but if they’re moving and I’m moving, well, that’s something to work on.  We snuck back to the house to come up here to practise - that’s where we were most of the time and you didn’t know!  And at the moment I can do four shots but then I need time to recharge.  We’re hoping that will go up with experience.  I feel so freaking dangerous!  Whee!”  Her squeaky laughter was joined by Amethyst’s raspy chuckle as Jasper picked up the two of them together for a hug.  

Jasper could see Garnet hugging Pearl, too, stepping back to cup her cheek and say something too quiet to hear but that made Pearl burst into happy tears and hide her face in Garnet’s chest.  She had some mixed feelings about that; sometimes she got so tied up in the situation with herself, Pearl and Lapis that she was caught off balance when she was reminded that Garnet had a pretty central place in Pearl’s heart too.  They had been together for so long that there were sure to be times when a word from Garnet meant more than anything Jasper or Lapis might say or do.  Steven was hurrying over to make sure Pearl was all right; she let go of Garnet to bend down and hug him, rubbing her cheek against the curly top of his head.

Jasper realised that while she’d been distracted by Pearl, Amethyst and Peridot had started kissing and it felt just slightly too strange to hold two small happy squirmy people in celebratory make-out mode, even if they were apparently fine with her being there, so she set them down gently and stepped back.  Amethyst swung Peridot around in a circle, leaning back as they twirled, and the next second Tourmaline was there, hopping around in some kind of touchdown dance.  Jasper took a step back to avoid tripping or trampling and almost tripped herself over Lapis, who seemed to have been lurking behind her.

“Whoa, watch it.  Hey, what’s wrong?”  She looked grim.

“I didn’t realise how bad I’d feel up here,” Lapis mumbled.  “I told Pearl I would be fine but it’s upsetting me.”

“Oh - _oh._  You used to come here all the time.”

“It’s bad enough that it’s a ruin, but then Peridot has to go knocking chunks off it with her new peashooter.”

“Hey, don’t be mean.  This is a big deal for her.  Is there something I can do?  So you’d feel better?”

 _“No,”_ said Lapis, scornfully, then sighed and frowned.  “I’m in the worst mood today.  Just don’t take anything I say too seriously.  You can’t do anything but it was nice of you to offer.”

Jasper crouched down, resting her arms on her knees.  “Okay, I’m definitely not letting you sleep again.  Whatever that dream was it really pissed you off.”

“It wasn’t the _dream._  It was waking up and feeling confused about where I was and what was going on and Amethyst being there so I couldn’t talk to you the way I wanted.  I think it was actually a nice dream.  Pearl and I were deep under the sea together and - well, we were happy.  For parts of it it seemed as if you were around somewhere, although I never exactly saw you.  I didn’t mind having you there, anyway.  That’s all the sweet you’re getting, the rest of the day’s going to be solid salt.”  She walked off abruptly, leaving Jasper blinking, and hurried over to Pearl who apparently rated unlimited sweetness.

Tourmaline loomed into her peripheral vision.  “So I know it’s bad to eavesdrop but I have pretty damn good hearing, and did I just basically hear you got to co-star in a wet dream?”

“You have a nasty dirty little mind, Tourmaline.”  Her face was heating up, though, because she really didn’t have the right to criticise.  Just _being_ in Lapis’ dream, whatever kind it was, felt embarrassingly intimate.  She wished it hadn’t been a deep sea dream, though; they were always nightmares for her.

“No, because it was underwater, because - okay, a little bit.  Hey, I’m not strong enough to pass up a pun like that.  Anyway, I should go, this is Peri’s day.  See you next time.”  She flared up and disappeared.

 _“I_ thought it was funny,” Peridot told Amethyst.

 _“I_ thought it was your joke!”

“Yes, _all_ my jokes are funny.”  She flung her arms around Amethyst and blew a raspberry against her cheek.  “And I’m dangerous!”

“Yeah, you’re very dangerous, it’s a huge turn-on.”

“Seriously, though, seriously - I love how strong and fierce and powerful you are but now I don’t have to be helpless and useless and need you to protect me so much.  I might even rescue you!  Wouldn’t that be amazing?”

“Amazeballs,” Amethyst agreed happily.

 

Lapis had really hoped that Pearl’s sense of achievement at helping Peridot would boost her confidence and make her decisive.  On the other hand, she was atrociously nervous about hearing any kind of decision from Pearl.  She found herself dreading what happened next even if it was all mutual love; everything seemed so _important_ that it was daunting.  It would be so nice if there were a shortcut, a way to skip to a point at which everything was sorted out and peaceful and happy and she was somehow magically an excellent and devoted partner to Pearl and never let her down or made her regret ever having had anything to do with her.  She kept feeling that terrible tightness in her throat.  

She considered trying to avoid Pearl, but dismissed that idea as both doomed to fail and kind of mean.  She was already angry with herself for frankly sucking up to Pearl today and for being such a mess when she tried to deal with Jasper.  Why had she even _started_ to tell her about the dream?  She’d only ended up lying about it, trying to invent what she thought a loving sort of dream might be, because she had realised too late that she was too embarrassed to even summarise the actual dream.  That showed a lack of forethought that just wasn’t _her._  She needed to stop dwelling on Jasper, anyway.  That was a distraction (a big handsome distraction with glorious hair who somehow always smelled good even when she smelled like dogs and whose thick soft thigh was pretty much the pillow from heaven) and she’d sabotaged enough people to know when she was sabotaging herself.

So she didn’t actually _try_ to avoid Pearl; it was chance that they weren’t in the same places for most of the afternoon.  She spent that time in Chalcedony’s room, sitting by her cloud playpen  singing to her and coaxing her to sing back in her own way.  

“I wonder if _you_ had a messy, complicated love life in your day,” she mused, scratching Chalcedony’s mane.  “Would you like to reform so we can talk about it?  Perhaps you have wise advice for me - or perhaps we could just commiserate about how difficult it is.  I wonder if we actually already know each other and I just don’t recognise you.  I wonder if you’re someone whose life I ruined.  I hope not.”

Chalcedony looked up at her, always assuming that was her eye.  “Sss-ch-ch ch-ch-tik tikka-tik.”

“Yes, that’s us.”  It still unnerved her a little bit when Chalcedony showed so clearly that she was _trying_ to say something.  What she couldn’t work out was exactly what sort of limits were on her.  Why was it that she could assign people names but seemed unable to form any other recognisable patterns of sound?  “I so wish you could do what I did, repeating words and putting them together.  Are you sure you can’t mimic any other sounds?  Or we could come up with a code… perhaps Peridot could invent some sort of device with buttons you could press to play different words or sounds.  How about that?”

“Ch-ch-tik,” said Chalcedony, looking past her.  Lapis turned almost guiltily and saw that yes, Pearl was coming in.

“Oh,” she said, and found with relief that she didn’t have to fake a smile, nervous as she was.  Pearl knelt down beside her and rested her arms on the pen edge, mirroring the way Lapis was sitting.  

“Hello,” she said softly, and her smile mirrored Lapis’ too, genuine but a tiny bit trembly.  “I’ve been wanting so much to have a proper talk with you, but doesn’t all this feel strange and artificial?”

“Completely!” Lapis exclaimed, relieved that Pearl had said exactly what she’d felt.  “I feel as if I’m acting a part but nobody’s let me see a script!”

“I want so much to do all this _right,_ or at least _well -_ there is apparently an instruction book for this sort of relationship, Peridot looked it up trying to be helpful, but it was called _The Ethical Slut_ and I just thought _what?_  No, that is _not_ the book for me.”

“That _is_ sort of off-putting,” Lapis agreed.  “Anyway, if it’s a human book it might not be very helpful for us at all.”

“Very likely,” Pearl said.  “I think we should just put our faith in our ability to improvise.  And to backtrack if I should say something appallingly stupid.”  She was making a sort of cat’s cradle of her fingers, mostly watching them but occasionally glancing up to Lapis’ face.  “I really don’t know where to begin, either, so we may have to circle around.  I didn’t know whether to talk to you and Jasper together, or each of you separately and _then_ together, or if separately would be enough on its own.  I _did_ think that either way I should talk to you first.  I hope you don’t think that I went off with Peridot to avoid thinking about what you’ve asked me.  I haven’t been able to _stop_ thinking about it and I hoped that having something to do at the same time would keep me grounded.”

“I thought it must be something like that.  Really, you said as much in your note.”  At the time she’d been upset that Pearl _would_ leave her a note rather than saying goodbye properly, but she couldn’t really blame her for wanting to avoid that conversation.

“Oh, I still don’t know what to say.”  Pearl hung her head, her interlaced fingers tightening.  “I don’t know how I want things to be.  I do love you both so very, very much.  I don’t see how I can _deserve_ both of you loving me - either one of you would be more than I deserve!  It seems so _greedy_ and almost like _hubris_ to think that I could enjoy both of you, as if something terrible would be sure to happen.”

“What, to punish you for your hubris?”

Pearl shrugged unhappily.  “I know how silly that sounds.”

“You know I didn’t fall in love with you because I thought, ‘There is Pearl, she is good and deserves someone to love her so I will do that.’  In fact I started out thinking you were _awful_ and I’ve ended up… well.”  She placed her hand over Pearl’s and gave them a gently squeeze.  “You know, don’t you?”

“I know,” Pearl said quietly.  “It’s a bit like what happened to me with Jasper, I suppose - except I have to admit, and I haven’t even admitted this to _her,_ that I might never have started softening towards her except that she’s so _ridiculously_ attractive that I began - honestly, I began looking for excuses to like her.”  She was blushing now.  “Do - do you think that’s happened to you too?  With Jasper?”

“I don’t know what to think about Jasper.  I _do_ like her now.  I’d rather think that was because I’ve become a more forgiving, open-minded person or something mature like that than just because she’s all big and sexy.  Would I be giving myself too much credit?”

Pearl giggled.  “Fortunately there’s more to her than that.  It’s one of the oddest parts of all this - that it makes me anxious to see you two liking each other but also so hopeful.  I - I panicked when I thought that you two might be in love and wouldn’t want _me_ any more, but if it were actually possible that you would both want to keep me as well, then wouldn’t that be rather beautiful, you two?”

 _“Pearl,”_ Lapis said, “of course I want to _keep_ you.  You’re talking as if I would be moving on to Jasper but keeping you around for old times’ sake.  I’ve only just begun to like her properly and I _still_ don’t always feel comfortable with her.  You’re the one I’m in love with.  Why - wait, why are we talking about _this?_  Not that it doesn’t matter but when we had our big talk I was asking you if you thought that _we_ could love each other that way.  That’s what I really want to know.”

“What do you think that would look like?”  Pearl asked.  Lapis could feel how tightly knotted with tension her hands were, and she wished she knew the right thing to say to make them soften.

“I’m not sure.  The way we’ve been up to now but perhaps with added kissing?”

“But you don’t kiss.”

“But you want to, don’t you?  When you’re in love?”

“Not if _you_ don’t want to.”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, I had this conversation with Jasper already,” Lapis sighed.  She saw alarm in Pearl’s eyes and felt her hands flinch.  “We were talking about you,” she quickly added.  “She was trying to encourage me.”

“But the kissing isn’t a _prerequisite.”_

“Prerequisite?”

“If - oh, it’ll be _so_ humiliating if I’ve misunderstood.  If you wanted us to make love.”  She had dropped her voice into a guilty whisper and glanced sideways at Chalcedony - who was, in any case, settling down for a nap - as if this might be inappropriate.  “Or is that not - I’m so sorry, I don’t really know how you feel about it and I’d thought perhaps it doesn’t appeal to you at all, since you never initiated anything.”

“Jasper thought that too.  No, it’s not - it’s because - I hate talking about this.”

“We don’t have to!”  

“No, I told her the truth and you deserve it too.  It isn’t - it’s complicated.  I’ve never - you see, to me, apart from a few nice times when I was very young and didn’t know much about life yet, sex has been a means to an end.  It’s been - insincere because there was always an ulterior motive.  Even if I’ve enjoyed it I’ve felt this sort of distaste for - for everyone involved and particularly for me.”  She stopped, feeling squashed flat by her shame.  She’d despised the ones who had really been in love with her the most.  “Since I really love you…”  She didn’t know how to finish the sentence without lying in fact.  She was pretty sure she’d already lied by implication.

Pearl leaned in and put her arms around her, drawing Lapis in and guiding her head to her shoulder.  “It’s all right,” she said.  “It’s all right.  Oh, darling girl, I’m sorry I didn’t understand.”

“You couldn’t understand when I didn’t tell you about it.  Now I’ve come around to - well, now, I _do,_ I do want to make love to you, it’s embarrassing how much I do.  I’m _not_ used to feeling this way and it makes me all flustered and crabby.  But I don’t mean we should - not here and now!”  She pulled back quickly.  “I mean, not in front of Chalcedony.  Or - well, I think straight away would be a bit much for me.  I’ve been working up my nerve to try kissing you first, if you were willing.”

“I’m not sure why you’d think _I_ wouldn’t be willing.”

“If you felt like it would make things too complicated and you couldn’t cope with both me and Jasper.”

“Oh yes, that, good grief.  I keep getting too close to the details and forgetting the bigger picture.”  Pearl gave an awkward chuckle, glancing away.  “That brings me back to feeling I don’t deserve you both.”

“Would it help if you thought of it as more of an inconvenience?” Lapis asked, hoping she might get her to laugh properly.  “I’m sure we’d both be horribly needy and time-consuming.”

It worked; Pearl giggled and covered her mouth with her hand.  “I would need to do so much _organising.”_

“You could make a colour-coded timetable with little orange rhombuses and blue teardrops in the timeslots.”

“Don’t tease me, because you know I would.”

“You would, and it would be beautiful and incredibly efficient and romantic.”

“I’ve always thought it _should_ be possible to be both efficient and romantic,” Pearl said wistfully.  “I would try.”  She took Lapis’ hands in hers; they were a little shaky, but only a little.  “I don’t know if it will work at all but I’d like to try if you would.  Well, and Jasper too, but unless she’s had a dramatic change of heart in the last twenty-four hours I think she’s made her position pretty clear.  I really do love you so very much.”

Lapis had thought she was reasonably calm, if a little strung-up, but all of a sudden a huge, almost painful happy sob burst out of her.  It made a terrible noise and Pearl looked quite frightened.  Then she was crying torrentially and completely ruining what would have been a perfect moment for Pearl to kiss her with tears and mucus and ugly crumpled-up faces.

“Oh, shush-shush-shush, oh, what’s the matter?”  Pearl gathered her back into her arms and stroked the back of her head.

“It’s such a relie-he-he-heef!”

“Oh, _darling!”_

“I’m being silly and hysterical and I’m sorry-hee-heeeeeee.”

“It’s all right.  It’s all going to be all right.”  Pearl dabbed at Lapis’ cheek with the tail end of her sash.  

“I don’t _want_ to cry, I want to be happy!  I _am_ happy.”  She sniffed desperately in an effort to stop and wiped her eyes with both hands.  “Ugh.  Oh, Pearl.  I hope you’ll never be sorry.”

“May I kiss you?”

“In this state?”

“In any state.  Delmarva or Keystone or any state you like.  I would happily travel to kiss you.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” Lapis admitted.  

“Only a silly joke.”  Pearl stroked back her hair, traced her thumb from her cheekbone down to her jaw and along to her chin.  “May I?”

“Oh, please.”  She wasn’t sure if Pearl expected or wanted her to close her eyes (people in films closed their eyes; most of the real-life kisses she’d had a chance to observe were between Amethyst and Peridot and theirs were generally open or half-open, from what she could see without staring like a creep), but closing them meant one less thing to deal with when she was feeling delicate.  She felt Pearl’s soft breath against her cheek, and a very gentle brush of her thumb against her bottom lip, and then the light sweet pressure of her lips.  

At first it seemed as if a kiss was a kind of small, subtle dance, a slow  _ pas de deux _ , until Pearl’s tongue touched her lips as her fingers curled into her hair and a sort of warm trembling pulse went through her to the tips of her toes.  She caught her breath and as her lips parted Pearl’s tongue slipped deeper, though she drew back after just a brief moment.  

“How’s that?”

“Again, please?”

“Oh,  _ good!”   _ Pearl wrapped her arms tight around her waist, pressing a deep, soft kiss into her mouth, her tongue a warm, wet flicker that sent little ripples into her middle.  That was almost too much, almost a little bit yucky, but far, far too interesting to draw back from.  Pearl made a faint, sweet humming sound in her throat, drawing one hand up over her back, and then her dainty fingers were tracing a heart shape around her gemstone which was so wonderfully sentimental of her and so entirely Pearly that Lapis giggled into her mouth.  Than she was worried Pearl’s feelings might be hurt, so she tried to return the kiss and discovered how unfortunately easy it was to clink their teeth.

“Ow.  Sorry.”

“Don’t worry, keep going.”

The longer it went on the less she thought about how strange it was and the more she simply felt how good it was.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a smallish chapterlet and I made some small changes at the end of the previous one, if you want to go back.

Eventually a sense of basic decency and mild shame at behaving this way in front of an innocent centipeetle, even if she was apparently sleeping, drove them out of Rose’s room hand in hand, slightly rumpled, extremely bright-eyed and much inclined to giggle.  At least they had retied each other’s ribbons more or less straight, and there was nobody in the living room when they furtively emerged from the Temple.

“We’re going to be perfectly discreet,” Pearl whispered, perhaps a little optimistically, since she was the one with turquoise cheeks and ruffled hair who couldn’t keep her hands to herself.  

“Why?” Lapis whispered back.  “And why are we whispering?”  She tried to stroke down Pearl’s hair and almost lapsed into kissing her again.

“Well, because - I don’t know.  Because Steven doesn’t need to know this sort of thing is going on, not at his impressionable age.  And Amethyst will tease me.”  She kept circling her forefinger against the soft inside of Lapis’ wrist, sending ticklish shivers right up under her arm.

“If Amethyst tries to tease you, tell her you have two beautiful girlfriends now and her girlfriend smells like hot plastic.  It’s mean but it’s true.”

“She  _ does! _  I’ve been trying to place it.  Well, I’ll hold that in reserve.  I  _ do _ have two beautiful girlfriends.  I’m going to be so busy!”  Pearl’s face could hardly contain her smile.   _ “You _ smell like seafoam and rain on hot pavement and Jasper smells like… hmm… sometimes like warm apricots and sometimes like cinnamon toast.”

“I’m terrible at describing smells.  Hot plastic was a rare stroke of genius.  You smell like… um…”

“Hand sanitiser, I know, but I smelled that way  _ first.”   _ Pearl pulled her in close again, arms around her waist and hands linked at the small of Lapis’ back, their hips pressed together as she leaned back to gaze fondly at her face.  “We’ll be moderately discreet.”

“The way you and Jasper are?”

“Well, yes.”

“Oh good.”  This was going to be embarrassing and wonderful.

“Speaking of Jasper, I think I have a nice idea. We could go and meet her when she finishes at work and tell her the news.  Would you like to?”

“I think so.”

 

_ So here am I,  _ Lapis thought,  _ walking hand in hand with Pearl to meet Jasper.  This isn’t weird at all.  This is so weird I might bolt.  No, this is tolerably weird.  Much like a Jasper hug.  I don’t think I can back up to it, though. _

“Are you all right?” Pearl asked, tilting her head.  “Your hand’s a bit sweaty.”  That was a kind way of saying there was a small puddle forming between their palms.  She leaned over and whispered, “I’m nervous too, but now that I’ve actually made up my mind I feel  _ so _ much more hopeful.”

“You’re whispering again,” Lapis whispered back.

“I know.  I’m surreptitious.”

“It’s a surreptitious susurrus.”

“I  _ love _ your vocabulary.”

“There’s a lot of it to love,” Lapis said airily, which was both disgraceful showing off, nerd-pandering and highly successful, since Pearl dissolved into giggles again and hugged her arm.  She hadn’t realised just  _ how _ demonstrative Pearl was going to be (silly, given how she clambered all over Jasper, but then Jasper had a certain jungle-gym appeal that Lapis surely didn’t share) or how sweetly goosey it would make her feel.  She gave in to the rising giggles and leaned her head against Pearl’s.

When they came in sight of the car wash Pearl put a hand in front of her to slow her down.  “Oh, stop a moment,” she said.  “She hasn’t seen us yet.”  Jasper seemed to have got stuck on car hand-wash duty despite it being near closing time and was scrubbing the roof of a Range Rover as if it had personally offended her, her broad back to them.  “I know it’s a little sneaky,” Pearl went on, “but I always enjoy a chance to watch her for a few moments when she doesn’t know I’m there yet.  Not that she gets any less beautiful once she knows I’m watching, but she tends to get very slightly self-conscious because she cares what I think.  It’s like getting to watch her sleep.  On the other hand, Jasper tring to strike poses to impress me without being too obvious about it is also gorgeous and adorable.  Am I gushing?”

“Slightly, but well, look at her.”  Lapis shrugged one shoulder.  She was used to feeling like water, since it was her nature, but at the moment she very specifically felt like very deep water that had a thin sun-warmed layer at the top.  As long as you were in the warm layer everything was heavenly; the moment your foot dipped beneath it you felt a cold that would drag you straight down.  There was such a terrible distance between Pearl’s happy, innocent Jasper-watching and her own furtive Jasper-spying.  Telling herself that that was behind her and she had apologised for it and Jasper had been humiliatingly decent about it helped very little with her buoyancy, but she absolutely couldn’t show her dismay and spoil Pearl’s delight.

“May I ask?  I do understand what you said about just beginning to like her and not always being fully comfortable with her, but am I right in thinking you also find her quite attractive?”

“Yes… but I’m not always fully comfortable with that either.  It would be so much simpler to just like her in a friendly way.  Can we just go on for now as if I did?”

“Of course, if you’d feel better.  It’s very important to me that you’re comfortable.  I suppose I only ask because - well -”

“You want someone to ogle Jasper with.  You want a co-ogler.”

“I do  _ not.” _  Pearl tugged on the hem of her shirt.  “Try  _ admire.” _

“Ogle.”

“Oh well.  Thank you for not pronouncing it oogle the way Amethyst always does.  She does it on purpose, you know,” Pearl added darkly.

“I will support and condone your Jasper-ogling, never fear.”

“Ooh!  She sees us.”  Pearl gave a little wave that was the visual equivalent of “yoo-hoo.”  Jasper, who had worked her way round to the other side of the car, waved back, sponge in hand.  “That’s what I call her sunrise smile,” Pearl added proudly.  “She’s  _ so _ pretty!”

“No argument here.”  She let Pearl tow her over.

“Hi,” Jasper said, still with that big earnest hopeful smile, wiping her soapy hands on the seat of her pants.  “So you two look happy.”

“Here,” Pearl said, beckoning her with one finger.  Jasper bent as if Pearl had pulled on a string and kissed her cheek.  “And here,” Pearl said, tapping her other cheek, and when that was kissed, touched her lips for the next.

_ If I’m holding someone’s hand when she gets kissed, does any of the kiss transfer to me?  I shouldn’t think that. _  Lapis’ face felt warm and she had to glance away.   _ Or if Jasper kisses who  _ I  _ just kissed, does any of my kiss transfer to her?  I have a problem.  But what are the kissing rules?  I bet there are secret hidden rules to catch out and humiliate the uninitiated, too.  And that’s me, unless ten minutes’ fervent face-sucking counts as initiation.  Where did I pick up  _ that _ word?  It’s terrible.  I’ll provisionally blame Amethyst. _

“Thank you,” Pearl said, beaming, “that was just perfect.  Well, I think we have the best possible news.  After a lot of thought and discussion, I  _ do _ want to accept the offer both of you made.  I think it’s the best thing for all of us and - ooh!”  Jasper had lifted her off her feet to hug her.

“You don’t have to  _ justify _ it,” she said, grinning.  “You picked what I wanted you to pick!  Oh.”  She glanced down at Lapis, who was stubbornly holding onto Pearl’s hand with her arm stretched upward.  “Sorry, you want to get in on this?”  She shifted Pearl’s weight to her left arm and offered her right.

“Oh - um.  Well, why not?  To celebrate.”  Jasper scooped her up as if she weighed nothing.   _ Good grief, she’s strong.  How did I hold her down all those months?  I must have been even more pissed off than I remember. _  Pearl threw her arms around her too, making it a hug within a hug and actually wriggling with glee.  “Are you just possibly a little bit happy?”

“I’m  _ absurdly _ happy.  I mean, of course, the  _ big _ decision is made but there are all sorts of little decisions and questions we haven’t even thought to ask, but we can work all that out later.”

“With organisational charts,” Lapis said, nodding.

_ “So _ many,” Pearl agreed.  She freed one arm to drape around Jasper’s neck. “There, now I have you both.  And Jasper, we come with an offer to walk you home - although it looks as if you’re still fairly busy, so we can wait.”

“I just have this one job to finish, then I’m all yours.”  Jasper nuzzled Pearl’s cheek.

_ If I were the person Pearl deserves I would now offer to help Jasper get her work done sooner with water magic.  It just feels like such a cheapening of the most beautiful and powerful thing I have to use it on a gross dirty vehicle that can’t even go amphibious or fly.   _ While Lapis dithered, Jasper gently set them down and no one asked her to help at all.

 

The walk home detoured into a walk along the beach, mostly because Pearl was so happy she couldn’t walk in a straight line and needed a route she could traipse and twirl around on, with many fluttery gesticulations. There had already been one musical outburst, a high-speed patter song about how preposterously lucky she felt, which had undergone an alarming segue into trepidity about the fragility of serendipity, and the rhyme scheme was really breaking down before Lapis managed to catch Jasper’s eye, signal her, and the two of them ducked in to kiss Pearl on both cheeks simultaneously, which effectively reset her train of thought.

That got her onto the awkward topic of how much time the other two would like to spend as a trio and how much they would each like to have with her alone.

“I don’t know yet,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “Can’t we play it by ear for a little while?  Work around availability?  Though I am planning to talk to Greg about reducing my hours, I should be home more.”

“You know you could just not go, right?” Lapis asked.  “It’s not as if there would be consequences.”

“Of course, but I like Greg, he’s always nice to me.  I just want to extend him the courtesy of acting like it matters what he thinks.”

“You are sweet as always,” Pearl said, taking possession of Jasper’s arm.  “I can wait to make plans until you’ve worked things out.”

“We don’t have to plan every minute,” Lapis pointed out.

“It just seems safer.  That way I can be  _ sure _ you have parity - oh, and should I allow for time for the two of  _ you _ together?”

“You’re going to plan dates for us?” Jasper asked.  That was… sort of flattering?  Sort of sweet?  Quite busybodyish?

“Well, not activities or destinations.  Timeframes.  Though I can give you recommendations if you like!  You do need time together to develop your friendship, don’t you?”

“I think I’d like it to develop more organically,” Lapis said, gesturing vaguely.  “With spontaneity and informality and above all,  _ really low  _ expectations.”

“Super low,” Jasper agreed, “the lowest.  That way, every time we’re basically civil to each other it’s a little victory.”

“Yes, then if we actually enjoy each other’s company we can have a parade!”

“I enjoyed your company yesterday.  I mean, I’m sure it helped having Steven there for a buffer.  But I did.”

“Yes, because yesterday was such a feast of fun.”  Lapis paused, sighing heavily.  “We should tell you about yesterday, Pearl.”

“Oh.  Yeah.  Better not leave that any longer.”

“What happened yesterday?”  Pearl asked, glancing from one to the other.  

“Okay,” Jasper said, “I want to preface this by saying that while Steven  _ did _ get hurt, he’s completely better now and I’m pretty sure he’s not traumatised.”

“Water off a duck’s back,” Lapis said.  “Or acid.”

“What  _ happened _ yesterday?” Pearl repeated, more sharply.

“Let’s find somewhere to sit down, because it’s a fairly long story.”

They explained it all while Pearl sat on the very edge of Jasper’s knee and uttered little exclamations of dismay and irritation.  When they got to the Malachite part she subsided into silence.

“I’m sorry,” Jasper said quickly.  “I really wanted it to be you and it  _ would _ have been you if it hadn’t been an emergency.”

“No, no.  I understand.  Steven comes first, we all know that.  And I’m sure it was very important for the two of you to have a better fusion.”  She was sitting with her head tucked down and her hands clasped together on her knee and all the wriggly, bubbly delight seemed to have drained straight out of her.  It made Jasper feel awful and by the look of her Lapis felt pretty equally guilty.

“Yeah, but it would’ve kept.  I thought it’d be something really special to do with you when I felt ready.  I mean, you’re still going to be the first one I fuse with because I  _ want _ to, just because I want to find out what we’d be like together and understand you better and - and all that other stuff, the  _ good _ stuff.”  She put her arms around Pearl and pulled her back into her lap to hug her properly.  “Trust me, Malachite’s strictly for emergencies.”

“Yes, she’s awful,” Lapis said, unconvincingly, scooting in to pat Pearl’s knee.

“Well, she’s not  _ awful _ but she’s no Blue Opal.  Right?”

“It’s just silly for me to get into a funk about this,” Pearl said, sounding resolute, if a little muffled with her face pressed sideways into Jasper’s chest.  “So what?  I’m glad you could fuse.  I’m glad you agreed to do it as equal partners this time.  I’m glad Malachite was there to protect Steven, and I’m glad the two of you have told me all about it at the first reasonable opportunity.  This morning would have been all wrong, it would have spoiled things for Peridot.  I’m not going to go and be  _ silly _ just when so many nice things are happening.  You two are not - going - to leave me - out,” she said emphatically.

“Of  _ course _ we’re not,” Lapis said.  “Jasper, stop hogging Pearl.  Just lift your arm up, there.”  She clambered into her lap and cuddled up to Pearl.  “This is so unlike what I imagined, you know,” she said.  “The always ending up sandwiched with you and Jasper, I mean.”

“Well, I can leave,” Jasper offered.

“I didn’t say I don’t  _ like _ it,” Lapis said.  She freed one arm from Pearl to give Jasper a small shove in the stomach.  “Don’t be - you know.”

“Oh, I’m dense again?”

“Does this really go with what you said about the low expectations?”  Pearl asked.  She glanced up at Jasper uncertainly.

“It’s informal and spontaneous, isn’t it?”  Lapis asked, a little defensively to Jasper’s way of thinking.  “Here we are, unexpectedly comfortable, why don’t we just watch the sun go down and not worry about it?  Jasper, talk about something pleasant and inconsequential, please.”

“I suck at small talk.”

“I suppose with you it’s big talk or nothing.  Let’s just enjoy the quiet, then.”


	37. Chapter 37

They sat in silence while the sun sank and the sky darkened and stars gradually appeared, while the sea breathed softly and occasional town sounds drifted to their ears; a car horn beeping, a dog barking.  Pearl began to hum softly, and Lapis joined in, forming a slow, twining harmony.  Jasper gradually, hesitantly tried to add her own hum to theirs, hoping that a kind of deep drone could form a steady base for the tune.  Pearl twined her fingers between Jasper’s and tipped back her head to gaze fondly up at her.  Eventually the tune faded to an end with a sense of quiet contentment.

Lapis stirred and stretched her arms, arching her back with a very faint, dainty little - well, you probably weren’t allowed to call it a grunt, Jasper thought, but it was a close cousin to it.  “There’s a nice moon tonight,” she said.  “It looks sort of ghostly with the tattered clouds getting pulled across it by the wind.”

“A spookier kind of Autumn Moon?” Pearl asked.

“I’m not sure how to choreograph  _ spooky,”   _ Lapis admitted.  “We should start thinking about our winter show, though.  Jasper might even be in it.”

“Oh no, I’d rather watch,” Jasper said hastily.  “Really not my side of things.”

“Would you like us to dance for you now?” Pearl asked eagerly.  “We had some ideas we didn’t get a chance to use last time, but I’d like to show you.  What do you think, Lapis?”

“I always enjoy dancing with you, so if Jasper wouldn’t be bored…”

“I wouldn’t be bored.  It’d be kind of a treat.”

“All right, then!  Come on.”  Pearl sprang up and held out her hand for Lapis.  “Now Jasper, keep in mind this isn’t a fully worked out, finished concept, it’s just a rough draft.”

“Don’t talk it down  _ too _ much,” Lapis said, smiling.  “But let her be impressed.”

She sat and watched, and tried not to let her mouth hang open, as they bowed and twirled together and Blue Opal appeared.  At first she danced on the beach, soft and light on the sand, moving with little springs and skips that made her hair bounce above her shoulders.  She gradually moved down the beach towards the water, skipping out over the wavelets at the edge, drawing up spirals of coiled water and letting them fall with graceful sweeps of her arms.  

_ I think… I mean, is Blue sort of flirting with me?  The way she keeps looking at me, the way she’s, um, moving?  And does it work like, Pearl likes me therefore Blue likes me, or does she like me all by herself?  I’m flattered as hell but where does Lapis fit in?   _

And then Blue decided to conjure up a dancing partner for herself, and matters intensified.  Tourmaline had told her that she thought some of the back-up dancers in  _ The Autumn Moon  _ had looked like her, although she hadn’t noticed the resemblance herself, but this one was just a portrait, scaled up to Blue Opal’s size for ease of lifting and dipping.  The way they moved together was beautiful but it was making her face burn.  Actually, it was making most of the rest of her burn too.   _ Is that how they - she - they  _ want  _ me to feel, or do they somehow not realise what this’ll do to me?  It’s not like they discussed how to play it before they fused, so did they think of it together or is it Blue’s own idea that has nothing to do with Pearl and Lapis - damn it, I wish I understood fusion better. _

_ If it’s Blue’s own idea she’s kind of a saucy minx. _

_ I can’t believe I just thought with my own mind the words “saucy minx.” _

Then the water-Jasper collapsed into the bay and Blue was spinning and leaping back towards the shore, flaring and separating in mid-air so that Pearl and Lapis landed together in a graceful pose which fell apart almost immediately because Lapis was breathless with laughter.

“That was  _ so _ inappropriate!” she gasped, wiping her eyes.  “I loved it.”

“It was  _ not!” _  Pearl exclaimed.  “All right, it may have been slightly risqué -  _ at points _ \- but we’re all adults here, for goodness’ sake.”

“Of course, of course,” said Lapis, then dissolved in distinctly sub-adult giggles.

“And anyway, we’re not responsible!  Blue is her own person.”

“Of course, of course, she’s just a bit of a pervert.”

“That wasn’t perverted!  It was an honest and beautiful expression of - of healthy natural feelings and you’re just as much to blame as I am anyway.”  Pearl folded her arms tightly over her chest.

“I honestly don’t even know what you’re talking about, but then I’m an extremely broad-minded Gem,” Jasper said, holding up her hands.

“Thank you, darling, that’s a very gallant lie,” Pearl said.  She dropped back into Jasper’s lap with a sigh.  “Anyway, the dance is a work in progress and I think parts of it probably  _ should _ be toned down for general audiences.”

“Blecch, you’re all cold and wet,” Jasper said.

“Well, when you lead with ‘blecch’ I don’t really feel I can offer the usual invitation to warm me up,” she said airily.

“I volunteer,” Lapis said, clambering into Jasper’s lap and hugging Pearl.

“But you can’t, you’re as cold and soggy as she is.”

“Soon we’ll be warm and soggy.  Does that sound gross?  I think I’m going to double down on it.”

“You’re squashing me,” Pearl protested, giggling as Lapis tried to cover her like a blanket.

“I have to squeeze the warm into you.  I’m not naturally warm, you know.”

“I’ll say.  You’ve got the coldest hands I ever felt,” Jasper grumbled.

“Well, they don’t have to be cold,” Lapis said, easing back and letting Pearl catch her breath.  “They’re cold when I’m not trying, but here, feel.”  She reached up and pressed her palm to Jasper’s face.  For a moment it was shockingly cold, especially considering how flushed her cheeks still were.  Then the sense of cold went away, to cool, to a no-temperature feeling, and then definitely, positively warm.  “I’ll stop before I burn you,” she said, removing her hand, “but it’s just a trick with my form.  I can freeze or boil, whichever I want.  It’s just that going colder takes a lot less effort and energy.  If I  _ wanted _ to I could steam us dry - but it might be better just to go like this.”  She made a flicking gesture, drawing off a small mass of water which flew back to the sea like a sideways rain.  “Is that better for everyone?”

“Much, thank you,” said Pearl, sitting up and straightening her sash.  “Now, it’s getting late, and we  _ probably _ should go home and stop being extremely silly out here in the dark.”

 

“You know what I like about this that I didn’t expect to?” Jasper asked.  “Not something I expected to  _ dis _ like, something I like that I wasn’t expecting.”

“Me showing up to watch you work and not helping?”  Lapis suggested.  She was sitting cross-legged on top of a pile of towels well out of the way while Jasper shampooed a strange-looking animal that was apparently an Irish setter-Welsh corgi cross.

“You don’t have to help.  You’re a little bit fancy for dog-bathing.  No, I mean - you know how we can talk about Pearl?”  She began rinsing the dog’s coat, leaning back from it when it shook itself and spattered warm water and lather around.

“Yes.  At length.”  She felt a small smile on her face; just mentioning Pearl could bring it there now.  It had been just a few weeks of the new arrangement and she still didn’t know when she might get used to it.

“Well, I like how you’ve turned into my talking-about-Pearl-with friend.  With anyone else I feel like I should eventually rope it in, because who wants to hear you go on and on about the person you’re in love with?  It gets old for them pretty fast.  But you’re in love with her too and it feels like you’re just as interested in the subject as I am.  Am I right about that, or getting it completely wrong and boring your ass off?”

“No, you’re right.  Full disclosure, we talk about you too.”

“And we talk about you.”

“I hope it’s at least vaguely positive,” Lapis said.  She shifted her weight, pulled a towel out from under her and threw it at Jasper, who caught it one-handed.  “For example, you could tell her, ‘Today Lapis helped me very slightly’.”

“Of course it’s positive.  You think Pearl’s got  _ anything _ to say about you that isn’t?  She thinks you’re the cat’s pyjamas.”

“So you don’t tell her any of your less than positive things about me?”

“Why would I?  Most of them are over anyway, and some of them are just between you and me.  It’s okay, pup, I’m going to get you dried off as quick as I can.”  The dog was shivering a bit as she towelled it down.  “We’re going to have to shut the dog wash part of the car wash down for the winter.  It’s not good for them when the weather’s cold and it’s not like Greg can afford to build a dog bathroom onto the back of the place.  That would clean out all the van savings like that.”

With deep reluctance, Lapis said, “I could come to work with you and dry them instantly.”   _ Please don’t accept please don’t accept please don’t accept I don’t want to spend all day here dealing with dogs and humans. _

“Thanks, but I don’t think the others would like two of us being out here all day most days, missing out on Crystal Gem stuff.”

“I’m not really a Crystal Gem, though.  I don’t wear a star.  I consider myself unaffiliated.”  Even Peridot was star-bearing now, having needed to reform after a disastrous ricochet while practising with her slingshot.  

“Unaffiliated to Steven?”

“Of course not!”

“Then you’re a Crystal Gem, sorry if you don’t like it.”

“No, I’m - I’m an independent contractor.  Garnet doesn’t get to boss me around.  I’ll take orders from Steven and I’ll co-operate with the rest of you.  And I’ll dry that dog right now because it looks too pitiful and it bugs me.”  The dog looked deeply confused by its instant dryness but quickly accepted the new status quo and started pestering Jasper for a treat for being good.

“Thanks,” Jasper said, clearly surprised that she’d done anything helpful - and that was coming from someone who liked her.  Lapis’ desire to be considered reliable and useful was in conflict with her profound disinclination to let people get used to her doing scut work.  “Here, you get one,” Jasper told the dog.  “If I give you as many as you want you’ll be a little fatty by the time they pick you up.  Yes you will, you’ll be a cute little fatty boom-boom.”  She kissed it on top of the head.

“You’re going to miss them, aren’t you?” Lapis asked.

“Yeah, a bit.  I’ll still see a lot of them when I walk them.  I mainly feel bad for Greg losing the income.  Winter’s his quiet time anyway.  Still, that automatically clears up the whole reducing hours thing.  I can help more again in the summer.”  She got up, dusting off her knees.

Lapis gave it some thought, and within a few days had put her thoughts into action.

 

Greg was in the office making a deal for a large quantity of car wax that had wound up advertised on Craigslist for reasons he wasn’t about to enquire into too deeply when the door squeaked open and Lapis Lazuli walked in, pulling an old toy wagon of Steven’s behind her.  It looked like she had a box of some kind in there.

“Hello, Greg,” she said, looking uncomfortable the way she always did when she needed to talk to him on the understanding that he might talk back.  For a long time she’d ignored him completely, so he guessed her new, somewhat stilted efforts at politeness despite her obvious aversion to him represented some progress.  “How is your leg?”

“My - oh, my leg?  It’s fine, thanks.  Been fine for a while now.  Thank you.”

“Good.  I’m... sorry about the time I broke it.”

“Oh, no hard feelings.  I know you were really going through some stuff.  It’s okay.”

“But still, in compensation - and because you’re worrying Jasper and I don’t like to see her worrying - take this.”  She heaved the box out of the wagon and dumped it on the desk in front of him, almost crushing the computer mouse that he whisked out of the way just in time.  It was a small chest or trunk, not shaped like his idea of a treasure chest, which he realised was based pretty exclusively on cartoons but given how waterlogged it was and how old it looked, the inference was tempting.  

“It’s mostly gold, some silver,” Lapis said briskly.  “It took me a while to find a wreck that hadn’t been picked clean already.  I found one of Peridot’s old legs while I was looking, too, but it was well past salvaging.  Anyway, if that’s not enough to buy a respectable van and build a dog bathroom, tell me and I’ll find more.”

“A dog bathroom?” he repeated, his brain latching onto probably the least important part of that extraordinary statement.

“To wash dogs in,” she said, shrugging one shoulder.  “Jasper wants one, and since you clearly can’t provide it I thought I should.  But get the van first, because that bothers her the most.  Don’t skimp, get something nice and make her happy.”

“I can’t just take this,” Greg protested.  “Let me figure out some way to pay you back.”

“Nonsense, you have absolutely nothing I want.  Don’t worry about it.  This is a gift.  If it helps, pretend I’m paying  _ you _ back for making Steven, all right?  Goodbye now.”

He would have tried to go after her, except that the treasure chest was leaking a puddle that threatened the computer tower.  Still, it stood alone as the most incredibly ungracious yet incredibly kind thing he could remember anyone doing for him.

 


	38. I'm sorry this is not a real update, it's a goodbye

I started writing this story not long after the January Stevenbomb, and now the May Stevenbomb approacheth.  That has been an absurdly long hiatus and this is a big part of how I got through it with a modicum of sweet disposition intact.  I've got comments from many people that it's done the same for them and that made me very happy.  It also reinvigorated my ability to write, like, anything which had been stagnant for a long time and that made my life both better and sillier in these five months.  

However, I'm pretty much certain that I will lose all steam on the story once canon starts moving again.  That will be this weekend.  I haven't done anything like all the things I'd hoped to do in this story, but then it never had a planned structure or end point.  It was only supposed to be a one-shot about Amethyst and Peridot fusing, after all.  I feel as if all the characters are actually in fairly good positions if I leave it here, hopeful and growing, and although there are still clouds overhead - I don't think any relationship between people with all the complications and flaws of Pearl, Lapis and Jasper is going to be easy, whatever kind of honeymoon glow they're currently in, and YOU KNOW THERE'S STILL YELLOW DIAMOND OUT THERE SOMEWHERE - they seem like they'll be able to deal with whatever comes up together.

Thank you for reading all this time.  It really was a lovely experience to share with you.

And, of course, everyone who loves each other will live happily ever after.  You have my word on that.

**ETA: Discontinued here but recommenced over at[Side-Step](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6030193/chapters/13828783), which is E-rated. My apologies to people who would prefer to avoid the smut elements, but it got too fiddly to keep them separated.**


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